lggirl

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while but really needed to today. My ABF is now in a residential housing at Addington in Canada. This is the place where the counselor called my ABF a junkie, damaged goods and a liar and also told him he was not allowed to call me EVER! Well I went to call the Administrator and the counselor picked up so I talked to him again and he once again started the name calling so I asked him to stop and said it was unprofessional. He asked me what was so unprof. about calling someone a junkie and I must be in complete denial. Well the conversation was going no where except my challeges were pissing him off, so I got off the phone with the uneducated exaddict counselor.

Well, today I got a phone call from my ABF's dad telling me the administrator said I was controlling, manipulative and codependent. So obviously the counselor spoke with the administrator. Now I'm dealing with people who have completly brainwashed my ABF. All I want to do is say goodbye to the person I spent the last 3yrs of my life with and nobody will let me. They told him not to call me, not to write and he should never have any contact with me. Well, I've only called the place 4 times in 5 months to see how he was. I completely have my own life and would like to discuss what I should do with all his things, the counselor said I should throw them out! I am at my wits end and don't want to drive to Canada to throw all his stuff on the lawn. How can someone do this morally. I am not a user and had nothing to do with his drug life. Any advice would be helpful, my heart is broken.

hello-kitty

I'm sorry you are hurting! It sounds like you are banging your head against a brick wall and really, there is no point to it. My advice is to step away from the addict. Let him finish up with his treatment - brainwashing or not - it could save his life. Let him work his own recovery. You can work yours. Focus on your own life and getting over him. I know that it is hard not to have closure, but for now, maybe it is best to write all your feelings down, burn the paper and then let go. As far as his stuff, send it to his father if you are worried about it.

Chino

Has his family talked to him at all?

lggirl

His family has talked to him but everyone tiptoes around the subject of me. His family was the one who gave him a place to live, payed the rent, gave him money and always gave him what he wanted. I never gave him any money and wouldn't see him when I knew he was high. I even left and went on vacation with a friend for 2 wks before this all happened. I did my best to put up boundaries. I can't understand how a rehab that promoted couples counseling to me and told me to keep calling are now the same people calling me manipulative, controlling and a codi. This is very hurtful. So apparently whatever little you do for the addict if you still love them your a codependent. I can't believe adult people actually act as though this is the professional thing to do. They must have put some meds in his food! And does one really stay sober knowing they just left someone behind without saying goodbye, the one they supposedly loved for 3 yrs and without sounding codependent- got them into rehab- actually put this intoxicated person on the plane to Canada. I guess this was my first mistake amongst many. Thanks everyone for reading

Chino

Those three things stood out to me.

1) If he and his family are tiptoeing around the subject of you, then you are a sensitive subject for all of them, for whatever reason. Ask his family if you want to know.

2) The person calling you those things was influenced by the person you engaged in a war of words. If you really feel the need for closure, call the administrator and ask questions only, make no accusations. The more they talk the more you learn and vice versa.

3) His sobriety has nothing to do with you. It's all about him.

wooforever

I would just throw his **** out, or give it to a charity that could use it. If you are not going to be with him. Why care, just get it out of your way.

If you do feel comfortable doing that then if his parents live near you take to their place and let them deal with it. That can be your closure.,

lggirl

Thanks Chino, his family said they don't want to do anything to disturb his recovery. They also think the facility has brainwashed him but they don't care as long as he stays sober. They call me a victim of his using. The person who called me these names is the administrator so I'm at a dead end of talking to normal people. I know his sobriety is all about him, I'm just wonder how one feels good about themself knowingly hurting someone they loved!

GiveLove

Perhaps you could write his folks a note and let them know that you will be putting all of his things on the porch (lawn, sidewalk, dumpster) on a certain date. You can include a short note of goodbye if that's going to give you closure. And on that day, put everything outside for them.

If they come and get it, fine. If they don't, toss it.

Either way, rehab rules, regs, and recommendations are not brainwashing. Sometimes our addicts are more honest with them than they've been with us -- they could have his best interests at heart.

And YOUR best interests lie in getting on with your life. Or at least that's how it looks from here...

Good luck!!

lggirl

The administrator told me there was couples counseling for us when I was researching rehabs. The counselor told me he told my ABF he was not allowed to call and if he did he would end up using. If this is not mind control, I don't know what is. You can call it scare tactics. Also he continues to get this "advice" while in the residential home from the same counselor.

BigSis

Boy, this makes me smile... most the folks I know in Alanon come in with Control issues, manipulative behaviors and codependence! You are among friends, dear.


Sobriety is survival for addicts. It is not a "preference" or a "choice" or a "nice idea"... it is a matter of life and death. Absolutely.

So can you blame the parents for putting his sobriety above other needs?

I guess I am wondering why you don't put it a little higher, too? If he had or has feelings for you, at some point he can address those. But what is the hurry? Let him get better.

If you can afford it, put his stuff in storage. If not, donate it to charity.


I have had to learn to let go... it did not feel natural. I still struggle with this concept.

Alanon has helped me very much. You might consider going to about 6 meetings to see if going helps you feel better about this situation... it is free.

sleepygoat

Hope this isn't a Narconon place. big trouble for him if it is and it would explain some things.
if so (naronon), pm me.

Jane Doe

Well addicts often hurt the ones they love. I don't think it makes them feel good. It's just par for the course. I'm sorry he didn't get to say goodbye to you but it sounds like getting to rehab was a priority to him.

Honestly, I think you need to give his stuff to his folks or charity & be done with him if you have already moved on. There is no reason to argue with the rehab center.

outtolunch

I thought the same thing so I checked it out. This place is 12 Steps based.

As it relates to Narconon, I am open-minded. Addiction kills. Narconon works for some people. Who am I to judge?

splendra

(((((lggirl))))

I am sorry that you are hurting over this. It does sound like you have bee without him for quite a while so why not try letting go so you don't go crazy.

Call his parents and tell them you want to get rid of his stuff and ask them if they want to come get it for him. If they do not want it throw it out or donate it.

I suspect that you have not heard the last from this guy it is very difficult to get an A out of your life completely ya know. So enjoy your time now is all we have anyway.

lggirl

Thanks everyone for responding. His parents didn't want this to happen either. They really like me and wanted us to be together. I just wanted to say goodbye. I dream of the day I put him on the plane and he kissed me goodbye. See you soon hon! This is not a Narconon place but the place has some definite control issues and I'm not talking about regular rules. It's not like he just got there, he's been there for 5 months!!

katie44

Hi there I know the program well my son was there two years ago. They definitely run an in your face program. Most of the program is true reality, they don't pull any punches. There was a counsellor that was there that was excellent Im sure he is still there. It is not an easy program for the addict as you know. They have chores all the time ( good thing) The counselling is quite in depth. They tell the addict the way it is and what will happen if they dont get there sh....it together. I tried to get my son to return there he wouldnt he said he had nightmares about the place. Although my son went back to using after the program and I always wondered if it was shame that kept him from returning. They really brought out some issues that he had been struggling with for years. I think it was a good thing. This program is not some cushy high end rehab that caters to the addict. They must earn trust there. We did the family counselling there etc.. When he first went there I would get phone calls telling me to come get him it was horrible. I had this vision of some h...ll hole. You see we put him on a plane and the administrator met him at the airport. He is harsh. We drove to Montreal, I was in this utter panic but when we got there I realized that they were helping him. There are a few there that I have a real dislike for, Im sure it is the ones u are dealing with however I can tell you I believe they really are looking out for the interest of the addict. My son may tell u different. Why they won't let you speak with him is beyond me. If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

ZoeLee

@lggirl, thank you for posting this, as I haven't found too many people who can relate to the extremes of what a rehab promises and what actually takes place. I am a former therapist, who worked in a rehab facility for eating disorders (not alcohol or drug addiction). As a staff member, I even felt like the environment was a bit "brainwashed."

Fast forward 5 years and I am in a relationship with an addict. I intervened when I discovered what was going on, involved his family and we got him checked into a rehab. 2 months later, he's still there and completely cut off contact. I've heard through others that he's seeing some girl and then I heard he's hanging out with a few different girls. Who knows the truth. His family doesn't want to mess up his recovery and they are just glad he's not using. Like you, the rehab also promised couples therapy. I can completely relate to you. It's as if my boyfriend died and this rehab brainwashed him and took over. I get that he is in recovery, but I also know that cutting me out of the picture, wasn't necessary and is so illogical to me (I wasn't a trigger and didn't use with him. The only thing I'll give them is the codependency aspect, but I've been in AlAnon for almost 2 years so am definitely working on me).

I just think that this happens so much more often than people talk about, unfortunately.

SaraMichelle

when addicts involve theirselfs in relationships, even ones that already existed, it can be dangerous and detrimental to our recovery, right now he is just focusiong on getting healthy.

tbeit

Hi lggirl sorry for your pain.Nyack has great Alanon meetings you should hit one and work on yourself.If you want info you caan pm me.good luck

Ann

This thread is over three years old and the original poster has not been back so it's not likely she will see your replies. Let's hope she is happy and has moved on with her life