Mair

How do i do this???he still drinks. I cannot tolerate the drinking no matter what, but i feel so cold and heartless when i walk away now. I love him and am scared of losing him to cancer, i know he is scared and what he does when he is scared, sad, happy etc is drink.

He is in hospital tonight having the tumour removed tomorrow. I should be able to have normal emotions shouldnt i, but i cant do this because of his other diseace (alcoholism) I would like to make the most of our time left but the drinking will rob me of that too.

Im so sorry for this post, i know it's a sensitive question to ask you all but i value your opinions, my question is how do i set bounderies with an alcoholic who has cancer.

Mair xx

RosieM

Mair, I feel for you. When my ah was in the hospital with an aneurysm, I discovered he had not quit drinking as he had told me since his truck and closet were full of bottles I discovered when I was gathering his stuff to take to the hospital. I was MAD even though he was in his hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of machines!! It didn't stop his drinking, though.

Perhaps you don't have to make any big decisions right at this exact moment. You are not heartless. It's a tough spot you are in. RosieM

ICU

(((Mair)))

Rosie said exactly what I was thinking. Maybe get through the next couple of days with respect to his cancer surgery first. Then think about how you want to deal with the rest.

Sometimes it's first things first!

Keep coming back!

Mair

thank you Rosie and ICU yes you are right my main concern is the cancer and helping him deal with that. It's just so difficult having to turn my emotions on and off, he will come out of hospital and head for the pub, so i'll pick him up from the hospital tell him not to worry that we'll work it out that i will be there for him, he will then ask me to take him to the pub and my head auto pilots to the recovering codie mode of "if you want to drink ok but i wont be with you when you do"

But yes you are right first things first. Thank you xxx

ICU

That sounds like a perfectly fine boundary for you!

Spiritual Seeker

Just want to say blessings to you Mair at this difficult time.
Maybe do only what feels like something you want to do on any given day.
Remember "one day at a time"
Don't do anything that will cause resentments or doesn't feel right to do on any given day.

Barbara52

I would have a talk with the docs about what effects mixing alcohol with his meds may be. I have no idea what he will be on but most drugs don't mix well. It may not make a difference for him but at least he and you will have the information.

Be patient with yourself. Set what boundaries you can.

Miss Pink

with the help, guidance and care of others who have done it. You will find that help in alanon.

Have you tried it?

FormerDoormat

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share with you what I chose to do. My boyfriend, Richard, was in the end stages of alcoholism. He was living on borrowed time. I knew the end was near. But I didn't have the strength to stay with him to the very end. It was affecting my health and my sanity. And it was affecting the quality of my daughter's life, too.

So, I asked him to move out. He set himself up in an efficiency apartment near the Veteran's Hospital, so he could use public transportation to get to his doctor's appointments. I would pick him up on weekends (but only when he was sober), and we'd spend the weekends together. When he began drinking heavily again, I stopped seeing him on weekends and our only communication was via phone (but only when he was sober).

In the end, I decided to do a combination of what was best for me and what was best for him. But mostly I decided to do whatever I felt was necessary for me to have no regrets when he passed away, whether others regarded my actions as co-dependent or not.

Richard passed away six months ago. I hadn't seen him for several months before he died, but we spoke on the phone just three days before he passed away. He knew that I loved him and I knew that he loved me. And that was all that mattered.

I have no regrets. I made the best choices I could in a very difficult situation. I know you'll do the same. Keeping both of you in my prayers.