Trouble sleeping at house
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Trouble sleeping at house
I don't know if this is technically PTSD but I am struggling (not giving up though!) with being able to relax and sleep at my house. It's home I love it poor house been through the ringer but it's home to me except for at night. I left in may, got to go back in mid September. I don't know the what's or whens just that bad stuff went on while I was gone and there was already a broken living room window (a high up window, not boarded up yet so likely more recent) a broken basement door window off the garage boarded up, ripped screens, then a recent kicked in main entry door right around when I was going back then after that after i had been there picking up trash over the weekend and getting estimates on fixing the kicked in door (which happened just after I went back the first time), well then a big side window was broken. That's when it happened something snapped and I got scared.
Nothing has happened since but I still haven't made it up to sleeping here every night because I don't sleep well yet and have to be alert for work. I make myself though, at least 2 nights a week and always on Saturday nights. And more if I can.
I still feel scared though...I guess because something just snapped, also it's a big house I'm alone and there are no outside lights due to unfinished wiring and there are many hidden spots and no neighbors directly beside me. I do have a dog (and cat) and my dog is very protective of me...and I of him so there goes that.
I went to victims assistance way back and they told me it's in a nice enough neighborhood nobody goes there well, statistics don't really mean anything to me plus someone went there so....means nothing to me. There's nothing really to steal, but as far as I know there wasn't then either...unless maybe drugs, possible for sure. But I don't know for sure. Heck for all I know the ex did one or the door people I don't know. They were shady as all get out too in fact they ripped me right off.
If I knew who or why....from before....maybe it would help. I don't know for sure. I had stopped communication with the ex because I really had to at the time and anything he said I couldn't believe as true or false, so I just don't know. He lived there after I left (or I'd have gone back) and had some other people there too.
I just need to accept breakins happen, but it may never happen to me again. I don't want to be scared, yet I am. I think another big part of it is I have seen what people become when addiction takes over. I think that is a lot of it and there was plenty of it around and oh I'm rambling anyway now.
I won't give up. But, I am frustrated because I'd pictured myself relaxed by now.
Nothing has happened since but I still haven't made it up to sleeping here every night because I don't sleep well yet and have to be alert for work. I make myself though, at least 2 nights a week and always on Saturday nights. And more if I can.
I still feel scared though...I guess because something just snapped, also it's a big house I'm alone and there are no outside lights due to unfinished wiring and there are many hidden spots and no neighbors directly beside me. I do have a dog (and cat) and my dog is very protective of me...and I of him so there goes that.
I went to victims assistance way back and they told me it's in a nice enough neighborhood nobody goes there well, statistics don't really mean anything to me plus someone went there so....means nothing to me. There's nothing really to steal, but as far as I know there wasn't then either...unless maybe drugs, possible for sure. But I don't know for sure. Heck for all I know the ex did one or the door people I don't know. They were shady as all get out too in fact they ripped me right off.
If I knew who or why....from before....maybe it would help. I don't know for sure. I had stopped communication with the ex because I really had to at the time and anything he said I couldn't believe as true or false, so I just don't know. He lived there after I left (or I'd have gone back) and had some other people there too.
I just need to accept breakins happen, but it may never happen to me again. I don't want to be scared, yet I am. I think another big part of it is I have seen what people become when addiction takes over. I think that is a lot of it and there was plenty of it around and oh I'm rambling anyway now.
I won't give up. But, I am frustrated because I'd pictured myself relaxed by now.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
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hey cloudy - easing into it sounds like a good plan to me. i have never experienced a break-in so i can't relate. i have never been afraid being alone (no dog even and I doubt whether my 2 cats would be able to help me out - LOL). maybe you can get some big sleighbells to hang on your doors. prayers that you will be able to advance to sleeping there all the time and feel secure.
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thank you ((CW)) Yeah it's weird I was there alone with the door unlocked many a night near the end. Even in the turmoil then maybe I felt safe because it was normal that someone would be coming back eventually. Even when all this started back in late '03 and my ex was sure people were sneaking around or breaking in....I wasn't scared, probably mainly because I just thought he was imagining things. But that big window following the kicked in door (which had a deadbolt) something snapped and my security with it.
Surely the negativity that was around while I was gone, is gone now. But it's like it's too late my sense of security is damaged and I know that people don't care about deadbolts, don't care about breaking windows, change in the face of addiction, then darn true tv show breaking in while people are there (turn that off cloudy duh! but i had to see the psychics catch em by that point lol) I mean it's ridiculous. I also know there are numerous "victim qualifiers" who live alone and are just fine and never bothered. Look how many sweet old people are just fine. I can be just fine too.
I just have to accept it might happen but it might not. If it does I'll have to deal with it then. Just gotta get past it.
Last night, after having been doing at least somewhat good though nowhere near where I thought I'd be by now...I just was so tired yet could not go to sleep. I was scared. Hell my beloved adorable yet so bad cat was even sleeping like a log instead of keeping me up all night. But I didn't go to sleep until about 6am. Layed back down at 5am, fell asleep about 6, got up at 8.....
I pray, and I keep going. I just feel so frustrated. I thought I would be fine by now. I wasn't scared before. I remember back when things got bad I wished my ex would just leave (God love him..) and I had no concern whatsoever about being here alone heck I'd be in peace. But after that last window, it snapped. And I'm still trying to get calm again...after all this time.
just frustrated. but not defeated i won't give up. i feel down though, but i still won't give up. this is home
Surely the negativity that was around while I was gone, is gone now. But it's like it's too late my sense of security is damaged and I know that people don't care about deadbolts, don't care about breaking windows, change in the face of addiction, then darn true tv show breaking in while people are there (turn that off cloudy duh! but i had to see the psychics catch em by that point lol) I mean it's ridiculous. I also know there are numerous "victim qualifiers" who live alone and are just fine and never bothered. Look how many sweet old people are just fine. I can be just fine too.
I just have to accept it might happen but it might not. If it does I'll have to deal with it then. Just gotta get past it.
Last night, after having been doing at least somewhat good though nowhere near where I thought I'd be by now...I just was so tired yet could not go to sleep. I was scared. Hell my beloved adorable yet so bad cat was even sleeping like a log instead of keeping me up all night. But I didn't go to sleep until about 6am. Layed back down at 5am, fell asleep about 6, got up at 8.....
I pray, and I keep going. I just feel so frustrated. I thought I would be fine by now. I wasn't scared before. I remember back when things got bad I wished my ex would just leave (God love him..) and I had no concern whatsoever about being here alone heck I'd be in peace. But after that last window, it snapped. And I'm still trying to get calm again...after all this time.
just frustrated. but not defeated i won't give up. i feel down though, but i still won't give up. this is home
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you still going to a counselor? if so, have you discussed this and what do they say? i'm one to talk - i have had a ligthning phobia for years now - to the point of obsession - i watch the radar at home and work - head to my basement at the slightest hint of a storm and won't leave work until the storms are past. fear con be debillitating!
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((CW)) yes fear can mess us up you are right. The thing is part of it is healthy and fine, and part of it I guess goes to that serenity prayer what can we control and what can't we. Course if I won the lottery today (gotta play first lol) I'd be like wire this house up gimme outside lights!
I do still see a counselor. I think it will be for some time too. Lots to work through still, sure do love having that resource and alanon and places/people like this available that's for sure.
On the fear issue, she says feel it and do it anyway. So that is what I'm doing. Course at a limit due to work... It's weird though you know, last night I was scared. But nothing happened, everything is fine. Tomorrow might be different some psycho might just decide to break in but it may never, ever happen so what do I do is the question. I have to stop living in fear.
I do still see a counselor. I think it will be for some time too. Lots to work through still, sure do love having that resource and alanon and places/people like this available that's for sure.
On the fear issue, she says feel it and do it anyway. So that is what I'm doing. Course at a limit due to work... It's weird though you know, last night I was scared. But nothing happened, everything is fine. Tomorrow might be different some psycho might just decide to break in but it may never, ever happen so what do I do is the question. I have to stop living in fear.
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Actually, those things are scary. I would be wanting some motion detector lights at the least. And thank G*d for the dog!
But we can and do habituate gradually. Maybe a slow but progressive exposure. Like is it feasible to visit for awhile on the days you don't stay over?
And don't overstress, it affects your work and sets back the "relaxing". What would be wrong with leaving when it gets too late and you are not sleeping or when fear sets in too hard. Knowing that nothing has happened and there is tomorrow, but acknowledging that you are being negatively impacted and that is not good for you.
just some ideas...
do you keep a cell phone handy?
live
But we can and do habituate gradually. Maybe a slow but progressive exposure. Like is it feasible to visit for awhile on the days you don't stay over?
And don't overstress, it affects your work and sets back the "relaxing". What would be wrong with leaving when it gets too late and you are not sleeping or when fear sets in too hard. Knowing that nothing has happened and there is tomorrow, but acknowledging that you are being negatively impacted and that is not good for you.
just some ideas...
do you keep a cell phone handy?
live
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Join Date: Jul 2003
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What makes it so necessary to keep this particular house?
The market is good - does it make any sense to sell it and start fresh with a new house?
I hate to go against your counselor's advice... to walk through the fear, but I do wonder what is driving you to insist on learning to tolerate a place that brings you so much discomfort.
Life is too short.
I hope you can find some comfort and peace.
PS - I apologize if I misspoke - I also just saw which forum I was in... if this sounds flippant or unreasonable, please consider the source as I have not walked in your shoes and don't know the fear you are experiencing.
The market is good - does it make any sense to sell it and start fresh with a new house?
I hate to go against your counselor's advice... to walk through the fear, but I do wonder what is driving you to insist on learning to tolerate a place that brings you so much discomfort.
Life is too short.
I hope you can find some comfort and peace.
PS - I apologize if I misspoke - I also just saw which forum I was in... if this sounds flippant or unreasonable, please consider the source as I have not walked in your shoes and don't know the fear you are experiencing.
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hello ((CW)) ((Liveweyered)) and ((Bigsis))
CW yeap! So baby steps it is :-)
Liveweyered thank you....what you described, that is how it goes now. Thank you, as I am very hard on myself about it, about just visiting daily and not staying daily yet. I come here every day, and am good (well other than normal stresses like holy crap this or that is wrong and needs fixed what to do etc lol) And always I keep my cell with me and always the dog with me. When I stay I bring the cat too and when I leave the door to take the dog out or before when I'd go to rake leaves I always lock the door. It does help to at least go over every day, and be ok with it then leave at night and go sleep at mom's. I so thought I would be farther along by now though. Much, much farther. It does help though to see that another day things were ok no breakins. And winter is on my side now because windows are covered in plastic and so I can see if anything was messed with and also the snow allows for footprints. But, same time, another reason I feel I should be farther along. For come spring and summer windows will have to be open and I won't have the telltale signs of winter on my side. It will be here soon and I'm way behind schedule. Wayyy way behind schedule. I think of the amount of time gone by since mid september. I guess in actuality much progress has been made but same time, sooooo far behind. argh! thank you....much
Bigsis noooo you're not out of line don't you worry. I completely get what you are saying. I've tave given that thought (going elsewhere) a go several times. It's too big a chance though, because I'm not positive anywhere else would make a difference. It might, but I'm not positive. I have to give it all I've got before I would take that route. I love it here, I love the way it was laid out I love the treeeees out back, I am comfortable here until the "guard let down or big vunerability" time comes. When I'm sleeping my guard is down. When it's dark people are much better hidden (not that it takes dark to necessarily be hidden here) Poor house has been through the ringer anyway...probably wouldn't be able to even get it sold right now. Not that I want to I love it (except at night augh!)
Dang breakins....that last one threw me a loop! I want very much to overcome it.
thanks to all of you CW, Liveweyered, Big Sis ((hugs))
CW yeap! So baby steps it is :-)
Liveweyered thank you....what you described, that is how it goes now. Thank you, as I am very hard on myself about it, about just visiting daily and not staying daily yet. I come here every day, and am good (well other than normal stresses like holy crap this or that is wrong and needs fixed what to do etc lol) And always I keep my cell with me and always the dog with me. When I stay I bring the cat too and when I leave the door to take the dog out or before when I'd go to rake leaves I always lock the door. It does help to at least go over every day, and be ok with it then leave at night and go sleep at mom's. I so thought I would be farther along by now though. Much, much farther. It does help though to see that another day things were ok no breakins. And winter is on my side now because windows are covered in plastic and so I can see if anything was messed with and also the snow allows for footprints. But, same time, another reason I feel I should be farther along. For come spring and summer windows will have to be open and I won't have the telltale signs of winter on my side. It will be here soon and I'm way behind schedule. Wayyy way behind schedule. I think of the amount of time gone by since mid september. I guess in actuality much progress has been made but same time, sooooo far behind. argh! thank you....much
Bigsis noooo you're not out of line don't you worry. I completely get what you are saying. I've tave given that thought (going elsewhere) a go several times. It's too big a chance though, because I'm not positive anywhere else would make a difference. It might, but I'm not positive. I have to give it all I've got before I would take that route. I love it here, I love the way it was laid out I love the treeeees out back, I am comfortable here until the "guard let down or big vunerability" time comes. When I'm sleeping my guard is down. When it's dark people are much better hidden (not that it takes dark to necessarily be hidden here) Poor house has been through the ringer anyway...probably wouldn't be able to even get it sold right now. Not that I want to I love it (except at night augh!)
Dang breakins....that last one threw me a loop! I want very much to overcome it.
thanks to all of you CW, Liveweyered, Big Sis ((hugs))
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