cloudy

I don't know if this is technically PTSD but I am struggling (not giving up though!) with being able to relax and sleep at my house. It's home I love it poor house been through the ringer but it's home to me except for at night. I left in may, got to go back in mid September. I don't know the what's or whens just that bad stuff went on while I was gone and there was already a broken living room window (a high up window, not boarded up yet so likely more recent) a broken basement door window off the garage boarded up, ripped screens, then a recent kicked in main entry door right around when I was going back then after that after i had been there picking up trash over the weekend and getting estimates on fixing the kicked in door (which happened just after I went back the first time), well then a big side window was broken. That's when it happened something snapped and I got scared.

Nothing has happened since but I still haven't made it up to sleeping here every night because I don't sleep well yet and have to be alert for work. I make myself though, at least 2 nights a week and always on Saturday nights. And more if I can.

I still feel scared though...I guess because something just snapped, also it's a big house I'm alone and there are no outside lights due to unfinished wiring and there are many hidden spots and no neighbors directly beside me. I do have a dog (and cat) and my dog is very protective of me...and I of him so there goes that.

I went to victims assistance way back and they told me it's in a nice enough neighborhood nobody goes there well, statistics don't really mean anything to me plus someone went there so....means nothing to me. There's nothing really to steal, but as far as I know there wasn't then either...unless maybe drugs, possible for sure. But I don't know for sure. Heck for all I know the ex did one or the door people I don't know. They were shady as all get out too in fact they ripped me right off.

If I knew who or why....from before....maybe it would help. I don't know for sure. I had stopped communication with the ex because I really had to at the time and anything he said I couldn't believe as true or false, so I just don't know. He lived there after I left (or I'd have gone back) and had some other people there too.

I just need to accept breakins happen, but it may never happen to me again. I don't want to be scared, yet I am. I think another big part of it is I have seen what people become when addiction takes over. I think that is a lot of it and there was plenty of it around and oh I'm rambling anyway now.

I won't give up. But, I am frustrated because I'd pictured myself relaxed by now.