Caramel

^ thank you, adair, for the wisdom in that post.

BettyP

Laza - re: benzos. As Dee said we can't give medical advice, and you should definitely talk to your doctor about them. That said, there is an entire other forum on the internet that is devoted to people who have gone through benzo PAWS, and it's pretty sobering. Sometimes you'll absolutely need a benzo, that's why you've got a script. But try to think of them as an "in case of emergency break glass" type of thing, and if you can get by finding other more natural ways to get some sleep lean into those as much as you can.

rothmaninc

How is everyone doing?

LazaB

@BettyP Thank you

@rothmaninc I am feeling a little better because i have been practicing mindfulness in the last few days , just focusing on the symptoms of anxiety makes the anxiety much less scary , our thoughts are actually the thing that causes the problem. I just started doing it and i feel the results immediately , i read that it takes a lot of practice and time before you start seeing more results , but running from anxiety is the worst thing we can do because it just makes it more scary.

rothmaninc

Are Anhedonia and sleep patterns two of the last things to return to normal. I am at the one year point, most days are ok some lack of energy, and once in a while some anxiety, but all manageable, with no meds.. I am looking forward to the days when I can enjoy fishing again, and can sleep without melatonin. Any feedback from experienced PAWS survivors is appreciated....Thanks a million!!!!

rothmaninc

LazaB its good to hear that you are feeling a little better...

BettyP

@rothmaninc yes, anhedonia was the last of the things to come back for me. For several months towards the end I felt like "ok I'm not living in terror all the time, but I guess I'm just here in this grey space and that's how life is." It changed, though - it got better. I am mostly back to loving and looking forward to things I was into before I went through PAWS and before I started drinking. For me, I knew I was coming out of the forest when I started feeling good after exercising. I'm normally not a gym person, I just walked and did some running and swimming in early recovery to try and get any sort of serotonin or dopamine I could get. Even after working out in the first year and a half (and even a little more for me) I got nothing out of it, but kept at it. When the tides started to turn, I'd come home from the gym and actually feel good - that was when I knew things were finally getting good. You'll get there! Brain healing is a painfully slow process, unfortunately.

Introvrtd1

Day 32….again….had a bunch of bp spikes and palpitations today at work…lasted a few hours….finally settled down earlier this afternoon….so far still feeling ok.

Guess its just like many times before…these things take time.

Steely

I was wondering how you were going Introvrtd.

Thirty two days is fantastic.

These things will pass.

Just don't drink. That's all.

VikingGF

Hi, all-
Day 654 free from alcohol for me, and in the past month, I've been experiencing symptoms worse than on day 101. (I went back and found my post from that day.) But, reading through the posts has helped me- so many things I have not been paying attention to- I've been reckless with the caffeine and sugar- it's taking a toll. I talk myself out of the worst of the anxiety most of the time, I'm just so very weary of this battle, and the more aware I am of what I've done in the past and how much time I've wasted creeps in on me and kind of turns into a whirlwind of fear and anger- exacerbated by the dizziness, the out-of-body feeling, poor concentration and probably the worst- memory deficit that fluctuates. There are good days- where I am super-duper A-OK, and then BAM- I'm a useless pile. No reason, no warning.

I'll take better care of avoiding sugar and caffeine, increase my water intake. I'm also keeping everything bottled up- I don't have a therapist and I'm not willing to talk about this with my friends/family. I was journaling and let that slide- guess I'll get back to that, too. It means a lot to be able to come here and find support and more importantly, people who have experienced the same and have gotten through. Thanks to all.

Introvrtd1

I remember those early days of despair….I also remember those days when having lots of time on the books should be feeling great but without explanation or reason just the feeling of despair, anxiety, depression, and most other symptoms of early withdrawal start to rear their ugly heads…

Yeah…i been there

LazaB

Speaking of anxiety , i found some old pictures of myself , when i was 16 , hanging out in the countryside with my family with a smile on my face , years before my first drink , tomorrow i will have 150 days of no booze and the anxiety is still so high that i can't even dream of having a day like that now , and a good part of me is scared that i will never have it again.

Dee74

I hope you'll find like I did that my anxiety settled down Laza.
I should know this but I forget - have you seen anyone about it?

D

LazaB

I hope that it settles down , i haven't seen anyone about it yet.

rothmaninc

Happy belated Memorial Day to everyone

BettyP

Relating to the post about seeing an old photo of yourself when you were happy, and also another's reference to "I've had a lot of time in recovery I should feel better" - this is how we mentally beat ourselves up in PAWS. Yes, a lot of other people are fully recovered earlier - - a lot of people don't recover as soon as us. We're all somewhere in the middle of the pack, and we all get there eventually. That *should* is a tough one that I battled many times (and still sometimes do). Try to find a way to let that go, because your own recovery timeline is unique, just like you, and comparing to other people's timelines won't make a bit of difference to your healing brain cells, it'll just make you feel miserable.
Regarding looking at old photos - this is a PAWS mind trick that makes you believe you'll never feel good again. It's a symptom of the despair and anhedonia - that black hole that you look into and think "this is how I am now, forever, permanently" -- it's a lie your brain (and your disease of alcoholism) is telling you. It wants you to give up and drink. Trust me when I tell you, it passes. It really does. I look at old photos now and smile like my old self, wondering how I could have believed I'd never get better. I've even looked at photos of myself from the times when I was feeling my absolute worst in PAWS and felt okay about them. You will too :-)

LazaB

Betty you have no idea how much your posts are helping me , because i am basically through those exact emotions you had , at more than 150 days of no alcohol i feel no noticeable relief in anxiety and i am basically telling myself that i need to plan my life around this feeling now because it's never going to change , you are giving me a lot of hope.

Asix9

]Betty you have no idea how much your posts are helping me , because i am basically through those exact emotions you had , at more than 150 days of no alcohol i feel no noticeable relief in anxiety and i am basically telling myself that i need to plan my life around this feeling now because it's never going to change , you are giving me a lot of hope.


Stick to the plan and trust the process, Bro! I had yesterday so brutal cravings, because i upped my dose of Lexapro maybe, but my Defence was stronger! нема више ракије, само воде!!

BettyP

150 days is right in the thick of it, Laza. It will get better, though, eventually - it's painfully slow, and you want to make some sort of logical sense of it but it's like impossible because your anxiety is at a 10 at all times. I had anxiety so bad I could not leave the house - I'm back to going pretty much anywhere I want these days. Some days I edge back a little, but then sometimes I move forward. You're doing great getting this far! I often had to remind myself that I never had to do those first 150 days (or however much time I was at when I needed a boost) again - I'd even write it down on a piece of paper, like "you never have to go through the first six months again" and pin it up where I could see it. I also used a paper calendar on the wall, and I'd stick stickers on it like in elementary school to map my progress - - star stickers for getting through hard days, heart stickers for doing exercise, and so on -- it's a really nice visual tool to get through hard times. I know it sounds a little childish, but it really helped me not feel like every day was exactly the same, and gave me affirmations that I could get through hard times :-)

LazaB

Today i went to the supermarket near my house with my brother and i got reminded of why i avoid those places , i was on a verge of a panic attack the whole time , luckily we were in there for less than 10 minutes. I know one thing , i am an expert in hiding this , i was looking at myself in the supermarket mirror and i look like a completely normal customer , even an athlete ( i work out almost every day ) , but inside i was a completely insane person who is freaking out over nothing , it shows you that you can never really know what someone is going through.
I am actually thinking about Betty's timeline everyday , if it took her more than a year to feel better than i can do the same , luckily i work from home so i can wait , whatever it takes.