drycucumber77

Hi all - I'm so happy so many of you are discussing anxiety. 13 months in and this is still rocking me about like a rag doll. For me it manifests like this - obsession with breathing, very shaky right leg, some flutters and weird palpitations and I then get attacks of anxiety. Do you all find this normal after 13 months? I literally spend the afternoon lying on my stomach arched up because I am more anxious on my back! 2pm to 6PM...every day is the worst...it's like paws is operating to a schedule for me which is unusual.I rarely now feel the brain fog...as shocking as that was...anxiety wins hands down as being the worst symptom... I'll admit that I'm pretty petrified of the coronavirus which is certainly exacerbating things. I'm so done with paws though...nearly everyone says 2 years..and I know everyone is different but my god it just appears to be never ending. I smashed booze most weekends for 15 years and now I'm paying the consequences...and then a pandemic got chucked in to the mix too! Arghhhhhhhh

ScottFromWI

I wouldn't say that it's "normal" to feel that way but it's certainly possible for anxiety to make you feel that way, even at 13 months sober. Have you sought help via counseling or other avenues for your anxiety? Quitting drinking is certainly a requirment to start getting better from a mental health standpoint, but it is not a cure for anxiety in itself.

EllyB

Just did a 1/2 hour of yoga, and it really helps!

Gives me an hour window after from the worst of the anxiety. I will take it.

Dave9185

Today might be the first day where I didn't have/notice brain fog. Although I did have a few instanced of head rush after getting up from the couch. The anxiety is still there, caused by my abdominal/chest/back aches. Still waiting for my doc to call me back to set up a referral for MRI. At this point (6 months sober) whatever this is, I am going to have to get investigated by a doctor. I still have elevated BP, and still get kind of tingly in my legs often. I think I just became a major fat ass in the last few years, just boozing and eating all types of crap, it's having an effect on my health, and I'm blaming alcohol. I think at this point alcohol does play a role, but being sober for half a year, any lingering symptoms I'm spending all my free time researching in order to bring it up to my doctor. Since I quit drinking, I've been eating better, but not really seriously. Right now I'm on a gradual diet to lose some weight (from my fatty liver) and I hope it has some effect on my overall health. I even read about liver and how if it's inflamed it can cause breathlessness, and I remember I used to get major breathlessness after eating big salty meals (salt is like poison for a damaged liver). I'm also doing smaller meals more frequently, instead of 3 large meals per day. I don't know if that has anything to do with my lack of brain fog, but it is happening as I'm losing weight, maybe it has something to do with the visceral fat that my body is burning off. Feeling better, but still feel like I have some ways to go.

ScottFromWI

That's great EllyB! Over time you will find things that give you another hour here, maybe 2 hours there, and before you know it you'll have the whole day covered!

EllyB

My anxiety has a schedule too, but it’s more in the morning, from say 10 till 4. I actually feel pretty calm in the evening. But I still wake up at 5 or 6 every morning with a pounding heart, and my anxiety and restlessness generally peaks in the middle of the day.

I really can’t figure out how much is me and how much is PAWS. I mean, I guess I stopped dealing properly with things that made me anxious as I started drinking more heavily, especially when I could get away with having a drink before returning a phone call or whatever. But I am also finding myself freaking out over little things that wouldn’t have bothered me before— drunk or sober. I struggled with depression at times in my 20s and early 30s ( when I wasn’t drinking all that much) but not really excessive anxiety. Sigh. Sorry for the navel gazing here, but I am trying to figure out what parts are amenable to therapy and new techniques and which aren’t. But then again, any recovering alcoholic needs to learn new coping strategies!

ant385

It’s because your cortisol levels increase before you wake Elly. I find mornings can be the worst. In the evening it drops and you get a flooded with the sleep chemical melatonin which helps quench anxiety.

Graceful123

Hey all,

How is everybody doing these days?

I trust this website 100% as I've read tons of good, supporting messages on here so I'd like to be as open about things as possible. Far more open in the anonymous space that is SR as opposed to anyone I know in real life. So here it goes..

I've had a relapse over the holidays (just after actually). A pretty serious one at that. Started innocently at a beer or two and turned into... well you know the story. I thought I had a handle on things after 6 months, I was wrong.

I feel absolutely awful. Both on a conscious level and on the subconscious level. I can tell the chemical imbalance in me is playing it's dark magic again. I feel restless, anxious, depressed, uneasy. I don't even know, feels like some strange combination of all of those. I feel how much worse I am doing now vs right before this relapse where I felt... great at some points, almost normal. I am also ashamed because I said I wouldn't drink in 2021 and yet here we are, at the time of the relapse, not even 2 weeks into the new year.

This was triggered by some "high school-level" drama bullpoop (I'm 28 btw, I've been done with HS for some time now). Some drama I wasn't willing to deal with consciously so I said "oh, I have 6 months of healing, prolly ok to do some casual drinking". Anyways, the reasons are irrelevant. It happened.

This for me is a learning opportunity on SO MANY LEVELS:

1) It actually showed me that there truly is a chemical imbalance in me yet. Even after 6 months. I react very strongly to a tiniest bit of alcohol. Massive headaches, anxiety, mental anguish so to speak. And it just doesn't make me feel the euphoria it did when I drank heavily in the past.
2) I think I have healed? I have not. And this shows that that 2 year mark they talk about in PAWS is very real. You may not have the symptoms of PAWS after a much shorter period of time (like I said, I was doing much, much better after 6 months, most symptoms have either disappeared completely or strongly subsided), but it seems like the chemical imbalance does it's thing covertly for a VERY LONG time. The brain remembers the pain..
3) it was a smack in the face, saying don't pick up that bottle!
4) I figured out that there is no better way to learn than to learn the hard way. And I'm learning the hard way.

I know what I did is completely wrong. Please read this as a cautionary tale. Things do get better but only if you don't pick up!

ScottFromWI

Thank you for sharing your message Graceful, it's indeed an important reminder that we must be ever vigilant in all areas of our lives as it relates to our sobriety- and also our general mental/physical help. I am glad that you learned from the experience, and especially glad to hear that you are back seeking help to start anew.

EllyB

Graceful— I remember being concerned when you talked about going away with friends over the New Year, and it sounded a bit dangerous. Hope you have committed to stop for good now. In some ways, our brains never will heal, as other people on this site can attest to!

It is really hard to think about never drinking ever again for some of us. But the few hours of pleasure or relief aren’t worth all this pain. I just wish personally that the pain had hit me more while I was drinking and less now that I have quit to make it clearer to my animal brain.... because my frontal cortex is struggling with all of this. I am sure we all struggle with this.

EllyB

Yep. That makes sense. Really makes it hard to get anything done though.

Graceful123

In which ways, if you don't mind me asking? Do you think we have all permanently damaged ourselves? I hope not...

EllyB

I mean in terms of being able to drink moderately, is all... to not crave and up our drinking as time goes on. That thing about our off-switch being broken. Our brain pathways have changed. I think that eventually we will be almost entirely repaired as far as mood, sleep and cognition goes. But the addictive part of our brain will remain forever. The whole pickle vs cucumber metaphor. My pickling happened more slowly than it happened for others, so it’s easy to see how long I have been drinking at an alcoholic level. No crazy binge drinking for most of it, but enough. The increase in drinking wasn’t linear, but I never just lost interest in alcohol or went back to just having a couple of drinks a few times a week.

You are lucky that you are still young and haven’t done much permanent damage to your body. Your brain will heal completely as long as you don’t drink... the permanent sensitivity seems to be already there, as you are discovering. We get to experience longer term kindling.

ScottFromWI

I personally feel that the human body/mind is incredibly resilient. I drank for 25 years and towards the end I was in horrible shape, both physically and mentally and even though it literally took years, I would say that I was able to restore a lot of "normalcy" to my life. Remember that your body is continually replacing/healing itself every day. And in many ways, when you heal your mind - you are making use of new parts of it that you never knew before.

I also firmly believe that instead of focusing on "PAWS" as condition in itself, that one should focus on the actual symptoms themselves and seek help. For example, if you are feeling depressed - perhaps seeing a counselor or a doctor to treat your depression. If one is having neurological symptoms, they should see a neurologist. If you are having Gastrointestinal distress, you should see someone that can help and work on changing your diet/exercise etc...and the list goes on, those are just random examples.

Bottom line, the potential to recover is great - and there are many, many stories of people who have overcome tremendous odds to recover successfully - many of them right here on SR too. Check out the recovery stories forum for some additional inspiration when you have time.

ant385

the withdrawal and PAWS will end. But alcoholism and kindling may not I think is the point. So don’t worry. As long as you remain sober you will live again.

Graceful123

That's a fair assessment. Can't let this thing win. I think all of us are strong enough and it's evident that if we're already on this website, we're at the very least trying to make amends and seek help.

Graceful123

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who has posted in these forums, hearing that people have gone through what I have gone made me feel not so scared and alone during the initial withdrawals and detox. It is certainly a scary experience that I wish upon no-one. This website is a blessing! Thank you all!

And I hope in some small part sharing my experiences on PAWS and withdrawals and relapses has helped someone else who is just starting on this journey. It is tough but we are all strong enough! I hope to one day take it upon myself (when I'm finished with my recovery) to help guide new souls on this journey. But for now all I can do is share my experiences. Again, thank you!

BettyP

Oh Graceful I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are definitely not permanently damaged - you just hit the reset button. Which sucks, but you know you can overcome it, as uncomfortable as it feels. This is a time for self compassion and resting as much as you can. I think what Elly is referring to is what a lot of alcoholics say about alcohol being an "allergy." Like just think of alcohol as like having an allergy from now on - like shellfish. You just can't have it anymore - because it gives you these awful PAWS symptoms, and it's just not worth it. I am, actually, allergic to shellfish haha - and I love them, but I never touch them because the reaction is just not worth it. Take care of yourself, be sympathetic - you are human for slipping and for thinking "hey maybe I'm ok now?" I am quite a bit older than you (early 40s) and I can't imagine how easy it would have been for me to start drinking as soon as I felt better at your age - the easiest thing in the world since the whole world is practically shoving a drink in your hand at every turn at your age. I remember quitting drinking once in my early 30s and then counting the number of times a day that people offered me a drink or alluded to drinking later (like after work) - it was at least 10 times a day. That's a lot of societal pressure, so give yourself a lot of credit for getting as far as you have. You're back at it now, and will get even more dedicated to staying sober this time around :-)

I have definitely turned a corner on my worst symptoms at 6.5 months, which I am eternally grateful for. I was able to go out of the house and go for a long drive and run a bunch of errands and appointments yesterday, no anxiety, no dread, no weird thoughts. Felt like myself. It was amazing. I am actually looking forward to days to come and enjoying my sober life today - really a miracle. I know the symptoms will come back, but as I have more days that are good and less that are bad, I can see that I'm going in the absolute right direction.

EllyB

Glad you are feeling better, Betty! I have heard that the second 1/2 of the first year gets better for a lot of people.

And yes, graceful, you will make a full recovery in short order from the sounds of things! I had my first drink 40 years ago and for the past 15 had averaged a bottle of wine + a day, so it will take me longer.

Graceful123

You've made the right decision as to quitting though, Elly. It does suck for a while, but gets easier and easier each day. If you really narrow it down, it's a pretty simple formula, you just cannot pick up that drink, the rest will sort itself out.