SnazzyDresser

Yeah, there's no going back to any imagined "good old days" of drinking for us. The reality of that was brought home to be in January 2017, I'd had 208 days and took my chances. A less than optimal choice, it turns out. The horror movie of what alcohol does to our bodies and minds keeps advancing, finding new creative twists and turns to make us suffer. It's an awful movie, no reason to live that way.

Obladi

About that mountain...
If you start at the top, it might be easier to tackle.
The view is better, too.

O

TheWayBack

Well, I can't believe that it's 20 days today. I didn't post yesterday because I was having a super bad day. I honestly thought at one point that 'I just went too far with the alcohol, and I'm not going to make it'. It's hard to describe because I'm not sure how much of it was real and how much imagined. But I was in a lot of pain all over, I felt awful and I had this really bad panic attack that every organ in my body was just shutting down. I know that sounds entirely crazy, but I'm not really a drama type of person. My back hurt so bad on one side that I couldn't walk too much, I could not go to the bathroom all day, 1 or 2, my stomach felt so swollen up I felt I couldn't breathe. I just thought, OK, is this it? I won't even make it to the hospital. Then I got really tired and went to bed and woke up this morning feeling oddly better. After a cup of coffee, I felt impossibly better, my back was not even hurting anymore, which I'm sure had been hurting for days, and all my other real or imaginary problems for the most part where gone. So again, I have to think, how much of that was real, and how much was the panic attack I worked myself in to?

This is the best I have felt since I quit, by far. I was so relieved around 10am when I already had one meeting down and I realized I was not really doing to die. At least not today.

That brings up a point I've been thinking about all day. I learned about kindling and I know it must be true, but I haven't, probably very fortunately, been able to experience it myself. But I also learned about PAWS and was reading bout that a few days ago, and I know it has to be real. There cannot be any other logical explanation after going through withdrawals 2 weeks ago, and then symptoms that seem like they may be even worse just pop up out of nowhere. It's like a roller coaster of craziness and not fun at all. But am I ever thankful for this day. God bless this day, it feels almost like a miracle. I never want to drink again.

TheWayBack

Yeah, the idea of kindling and going through this again, only worse, is terrifying. I just keep asking myself over and over, why? Why did I do this? I don't know an answer. I remember my doctor asking me why I started drinking heavily, and I said 'I don't know, I don't think I have a reason, but I have a million of them'.

TheWayBack

Makes sense.

Dropsie

'I don't know, I don't think I have a reason, but I have a million of them'. That is so true.

One of the main reasons I could stop permanently was when I accepted fully that if I started it would just mean that I would have to stop again and that would be nuts and who knows if they have another quit in me. I love Dee's statement that abstinence is not control.

You said "I never want to drink again". Well I stopped five years ago and I do sometimes "want to" but I never will.

So I wonder if it is good to change your mind set to I do not drink period no matter what I want, and I will never change my mind.

Keepa go!

Dropsie

Sorry you are suffering, that stinks.

TheWayBack

Well, I had to just go and count, but I've made it 23 days.

I finally got my self up off the sofa and decided to start exercise again. Walked for one mile for 2 days, and then 2 miles yesterday. Wife joined me, which is great. Took a break today and will start back again tomorrow.

2 things that are going on with me right now. One is that I don't seem to want to do anything except sleep. I'm trying really hard to not take naps during the day so that I will sleep earlier at night, but I'll literally fall asleep on the sofa after work around 5-6pm, so I'll get up and walk around to fight it off. Then I've been getting sleepy again around 9pm and I've been fighting that off because I'm afraid it's too early to go to sleep and then I get a 2nd wind and will be up until 2am, sigh... Hopefully I get this sleep situation fixed. I'm not having a problem falling asleep, it's just the timing that sucks.

The other thing is, the last 3 nights, I'm having non-stop drinking dreams whenever I'm deep enough in sleep to dream. I'm not having any other dreams I remember, only those. And the theme is always similar. It's always about going to shop for beer. It will either be there is no place open so I'm desperately searching for options. Everything is closed, so I'm online seeing if I can find someplace open, even out of state. The other one will be I have beer, lots of it, but I want more, like all of it. I'm hiding it everywhere so no one else can find it but me so I won't run out. Last night I had already bought all the beer in 2 stores, all of it. But I wanted to go to another store to see what they have. My wife said, in the dream 'but why do you need more, you already have so much'. So I say, but the other store has different ones, I have to get it before it's gone! And I'm super anxious 'come on, we have to go now, they'll close!'. Geez.

TheWayBack

Thanks. Well, I didn't expect any less. I guess I'm sort of lucky that I haven't really suffered afternoon/evening depression like I did last time. And most of the pain I was in, went away. I'm sure part of it was imaginary, but not all. I don't feel really great, but not terrible either. I'm hoping more time and exercise will improve things. I did a lot of damage no doubt.

Hevyn

TheWay - I remember having both those issues in the early days. We're exhausted from all we've put ourselves through - it's normal to need good, deep sleep. The kind we didn't get when drinking.
The dreams bothered me for a few months on and off. Eventually they left me almost entirely. When I do have one now it's less intense & non-threatening. We will go through many phases as we heal.
Great idea to get exercise for distraction & to keep fit. Congratulations on your 23 days - be proud.

TheWayBack

Thank you. I know I'm inpatient, but I try to keep reminding myself that I seriously did not even feel quite human until day 20. Before that I had days that were somewhat better than the really bad days, but it really is a lot better now. Now I think I'm supposed to feel great again, in 23 days, after more than 10 years of constant self abuse. I don't know how many nights and morning I would wake up and be so thirsty that not all the water on the planet could quench my thirst. It was awful until the next drink.

TheWayBack

Today is day 25.

I don't have any cravings or desire for alcohol. I somethings think about it, I guess we all do. But it's an immediate turn off then I do and doesn't last long because of that.

I had the best day I've had yesterday since I started, mood wise. Not sure if it's because of the time without alcohol or that I started some light exercise. I did 2 miles walking yesterday again, may go for 3 today. I've lost 5 lbs of beer blubber. Or it might just be fluid retention. I changed my walk time from noon to 5pm, because every day I was getting very sleepy around 5pm, I mean like nodding off in my chair sleepy. I can't be doing that at 5pm, obviously. So yesterday the walking kept me awake. I thought that would also get me to sleep earlier. No luck on that so far. I went to bed at 1am, but could not sleep, I just lay there for a long time awake. I finally dozed off around 3am I suppose, but did not wake up again. I also forced myself to not eat anything after 8pm and will continue to do do. I need to lose about 40 lbs still.

I cannot seem to handle any stress still. Any amount of stress will send my heart rate into hyperdrive. But there is going to be some stress I cannot avoid, such is life, I'm trying to deal best I can. I would love to go off to some resort in Tahiti and just lie around on the beach for a few months, but such is not to be for the not rich or famous.

Things seem to be slowly improving. I know I have a long long way to go even if I can ever get back to close to where I was before I went on my 10+ year binge.

TheWayBack

Finally hit 10,000 steps walking today for the first time in over a year and 40 lbs ago. Yay, seeing that on my fitbit makes me happy.

Dee74

Good going TheWayBack

D

Kdon853

Stop thinking, you’re going to feel like crap physically for a while. I have almost 3 yrs and I still don’t sleep well and that’s ok, I read watch TV and doze off wake up doze off. I’m up at 530 and crash at 9 ish now and wake up during the night. Used to have drunk dreams considered those freebies.
Your mind clears, you feel better physically and things start falling into place . Good luck.

Kdon853

I used to feel guilty about wanting to do nothing on some days. In the beginning I had to keep busy, “I should be doing something. Today a day is not bad, helps recharge the batteries.

Dave42001

great job Way back.. Let me know if you would like me to get you a 30 chip. I'll be at the club tomorrow and would love to get one to you..

personally the chores will get done around the house.. my number one most important thing i had to do was stay sober just one more day!! When I first got clean, heck even now. my sobriety is the most important thing in my life. look at the date I found SR.. Nov 2012.

you're doing an amazing job, getting sober is no easy task but you have a big team of brothers and sisters pulling for you!!

wishing you the best! im having a zoom meeting tomorrow at 12 noon Texas time.. all the numbers are posted in the 12 steps room,, just a bunch of retired ex drunks telling funny stories and looking for the solution

luvchunk

Hope you are still plugging away. Day one for me. Your story is similar to mine. It has inspired me to join this forum.

Vindawgs

welcome back. Bback.o kick this toxic habit. wish you the best

TheWayBack

Still good, 32 days today. feeling better, still a long ways to go I know. But I feel really lucky like it's almost a miracle. I didn't think I was going to survive the first 3 days, lol. Sounds like an exaggeration, but I do not ever want to go through that again.

Congrats on day one, I know how rough it is. But you'll make it, if it gets too bad just get yourself to the emergency room. I had that all planned out just to be safe. But I have to tell you, it not only only gets better after the first few days, it slowly gets a lot better. At around 20 days I noticed a big difference, around 30 an even bigger difference. It is sooo worth it.