TheWayBack

I used to post here. I'm trying to remember when it was. I think it was this year, but early this year.

I was trying to quit drinking. I think I made it 50 days or maybe it was even 60. It seems like an eternity ago. Anyway, one day I decided it would be OK if I had a few beers. And that was it. I've been drinking every day for months.

Recently, it's been much worse. I'm not feeling well. I had lost a lot of weight, but I've gained it all back. I can't even describe how much pain I am in. My entire body feels like a train wreck, everything hurts.

My wife started worrying about me and our relationship, so I said yeah I need to stop this and get back on the right track. I'm not sure how long I've been saying, I'll stop drinking tomorrow, no more beer. But as soon as I run out, I order more. And then I'll say 'OK, I'll finish this and no more'. I've
been doing that for weeks now. Not eating well, can't, my stomach is always messed up. Can't sleep because of the alcohol, so always tired all day.

So today, my wife just sort of broke down and cried a lot and I was just so bothered by it I couldn't say anything. I wanted to, but I couldn't. Drank most of the day, apologized to her and promised myself once again, no alcohol tomorrow. I'm a train wreck. Every time I try to quit, I'm so nervous. I did this before though, trying to remember now, I should read my old posts if they're still here.

Dee74

Welcome back
any ideas on how you might stay sober?

D

TheWayBack

I don't have a clue. I just went back and read my old posts here and it really surprised me, I didn't actually remember any of that, I just remember I was here. It sounds like I was already 50 days when I found this place and I must have made it at least 65 days. Looks like it was March last time I posted here. I think it's the depression that caused me to search for help. To be honest, I didn't even know it would be really hard to quit drinking and not start again. I didn't even drink in my 20s and 30s and didn't start the daily drinking until I was in my late 40s. Crazy.

I remember after reading those posts, I was suffering from daily afternoon depression after I quit. Never had depression before that.

I'm really scared, actually.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I remember you from when I was here.

boreas

Welcome back!

I quit in my mid-40’s. My drinking hadn’t changed, but the way my body reacted to alcohol had. Just drinking my normal amount and I was still drunk in the am. At noon, daily, a mind-numbing headache would hit. Indigestion, acid reflux, black-outs, etc. Scary stuff.

I couldn’t see it at the time, but sobriety is a way of life and has its own momentum. Now, I can’t imagine any reason that would be good enough to pick up again.

-bora

treeguy24

One thing I have found, and maybe others agree here, is that using whether it's alcohol or drugs can be very routine oriented. Part of the struggle of stopping is you may not know what to do during those hours you normally would be drinking. Or the things you want to do you have a hard time doing because normally you would do them under the influence. You have to try and force yourself anyways to do SOMETHING to occupy your mind. The other thing is, figure out some strategy to STOP yourself from ordering more alcohol. Whether you are ordering online or actually going to the store, you need to develop a strategy for how to avoid doing that. When your mindset shifts and your addiction is talking, and you are tempted to get more alcohol, how are you going to deal with that?

Come on here and chat? Talk to your wife or a friend? Sponsor? Write in a journal? Go for a walk?

Heck, even do nothing and watch tv. There have been times I have been struggling so bad with wanting to use and I do nothing but just lie on my bed and close my eyes. Sometimes for hours. Complete waste of the afternoon. Or just sit there and watch something on my phone to pass the time because the intensity of the urges is overwhelming. But if it helps me stay clean, then that's what matters. It isn't about always being productive, sometimes it's about just getting through the day. Especially considering the situation we are in nowadays with the pandemic.

Today's a new day. I am rooting for you!

biminiblue

Welcome back.

Scared, depressed. Check, check. I don't think any of us found this website when we were flying high and pleased with the way our lives were going. I know I was pretty miserable.

I think you start with Day One.

It will be uncomfortable, but you've got the ability.

SnazzyDresser

Good to have you back, WayBack!

LumenandNyx

Hi,

Not sure if inpatient is an option for you, but I suggest you find out. It looks like you're suffering from the same problem I did - I just wanted what I wanted and that was all there was to it so I made sure I had it. Alcohol.

Treatment separates you from alcohol. You can't get it while you're there and instead, you're helped to focus on other things. Treatment works for a lot of people and it could just be the ticket you need.

This much is true - detox is not going to be pleasant. It never is. But people do it every day and live to tell about it. I think you should include your wife - on a morning that you haven't had a drink - in the process of stopping drinking. Whether it's treatment or something else.

You're not just killing yourself here ....

Anna

I think you've found that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will get worse unless you stop drinking. And, yes, it's depressing and scary, but you can do it. Alcohol is a depressant and you should feel better when you stop drinking. And, it's your AV that is trying to convince you that it's so scary. You will likely have a tough few days, but if you take care of yourself, you will be able to get through it. It sounds like your wife will be supportive of your efforts.

Obladi

Welcome back.
Yep, first step is to stop. Full stop, no looking back. (yet)

Your wife provided the impetus, but the desire to Not Drink must come from you and be about you. Not everyone is likely to agree, but for me I knew I had to tear myself down to the foundation and start building myself anew. Trying to please, mollify, repay or eliminate worry for people I loved never did the trick because I was still fundamentally broken. Don't take this the wrong way but I hope for your sake that you're just as broken. There's no way out but up from that place.

O

TheWayBack

Hey everyone. Thanks for responding to my post. I may not be too chatty for a while, I'm a nervous wreck at the moment. It's past beer o'clock, I'm sure you know what I mean. I'm not going to drink today, that's the goal.

I really have no idea what I am in for here. Last time I quit I was in the hospital. Not because of quitting though, that's why I quit because I was in the hospital. I was on all sorts of drugs including pain killers, so I don't really know how bad the withdrawals were. When I got out, after a week or so, I wasn't really having cravings or anything, but they came back after and I got depressed in the afternoon/evenings.

Now, I know I'm in for some withdrawals here, but I don't know how bad it will be. I drank daily for more than 10 years before I came here the first time, and sometimes very heavily. I was drinking last night until about 11pm, 6 beers and an entire bottle of wine. Pretty avg day. But I'm not drinking today.

I was what you would call a highly functional drunk. Until the last few years, and then I was more of functional at a level I could get by with, and nothing more. The last month or so, I started to become barely functional at all, starting to see the entire thing turn into a personal disaster. I was also like that before I quit the last time, like at end game stage.

If it gets scary bad, I'll head to the emergency room I guess. Right now I'm just like super nervous and agitated. I guess you could say I'm wound up pretty tight here. Running around, snacking, drinking soft drinks, whatever I can do, trying to play a video game, cannot focus. I have a couple hours left before I will not be able to buy more alcohol, and there's none in the house, so there's the plan for today.

fini

glad you’re giving this another shot, and going for medical assistance if things go sideways is a good plan.
yes, scary to find that quitting is not as easy as we thought.
wake-up call.

TheWayBack

Yeah, I really hope this wakes me up. It's not going well here at all, the anxiety is over the top. It feels like a panic attack actually. Also, very nauseous, elevated heart rate. This sucks. I have my wife on ready if we need to go to the emergency room.

It's really strange too, all of my senses of perception seems to be noticeably higher, but I feel way off. I was in the kitchen about 20 minutes ago, again, because I keep getting stuff to snack on because I'm so anxious and don't know what else to do. I was just getting cheese and crackers and I put the little cutting board on the counter and I saw a small spider. And I thought 'is that real?'. Don't see too many spiders in the house here, of course there is one occasionally. I hate them, but they typically don't scare me. I just kept looking at it and leaned in a little and it moved and holy cow it scared me! Lol, I mean it's sort of funny now. I don't know why I didn't think it was real, but I know it's because of the alcohol full on stop and the panic like anxiety. I told my wife 'I hope I don't see any more spiders tonight, because the next time I will be sure it's not real. I won't be able to sleep tonight, I'm sure'.

I wanted to just sit quiet tonight and ride this out and not post, because I know I probably sound silly and it's sort of embarrassing. But I'm just doing anything I can to ride this out. My wife said I'm rambling and talking to myself. This is only the 2nd time I've abstained from alcohol since I started drinking every day, except last time I was here and I was in the hospital all drugged up and didn't even notice any sort of withdrawal, I was totally out of it for a few days.

I hope I don't go on like this all night and drive you folks crazy, but thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

TheWayBack

Morning everyone. Made it to day 2. Last night was a little rough. Wife helped me through. Stayed up with me until 4am this morning, when we finally went to bed. Fitful sleep, but sleep finally came. Dragged myself up this morning feeling awful. First thing I did was go to make coffee and seeing something that really wasn't there, not sure how to describe it, it was just like something that was on fire near the coffee pot, startled me.

Got coffee and trying to do some work. I feel a little calmer for now, very tired.

I didn't realize until last night, actually early this morning, that last time I was here was March 2019. Wow, I was drinking like a maniac daily for about 18 months before attempting another quit. I thought that was this year, and that it was only 6 months!

biminiblue

I had a lot of hallucinations when I quit, I would imagine that's common.

I had a lot of trouble with spatial relationships in general. Lots of things appeared to be moving RIGHT AT ME and would spook me. I had to sit against the wall wherever I went, everything made me paranoid.

I also had trouble finding the words I wanted when I talked.

Ugh.

It's good you're writing this down, so you can remember how jacked up you really are/were. Keep it going.

TheWayBack

Thanks for the welcome back. I was in my mid 40s when I started this crap. I think my body reaction to the alcohol is also a big part of it, although I also started drinking much more heavily. I think the only reason I'm not back in the hospital is because I stopped the hard liquor completely, more than a year ago, sticking to beer, very seldom a little wine, but the beer still did a number on me, all on it's own. I think I was averaging 10 beers a day past several months, sometimes more.

Briansy

It's gonna be a tough few days but Day one is out of the way - that's amazing. Great that you have your wife there for you too. If you have been drinking daily for 18 months then you are in for a very pleasant surprise when you start to feel "normal" again. Looking forward to the updates!

fini

don't worry about posting and how it might sound...just post!

TheWayBack

Day 2 now in the history books. I was OK most of the day, just tried, since I did not get to sleep until maybe 5am and had to get up at 9am to work. But I was much better early today. But as I expected, as it got past drinking time, I started to get anxious again. But not as bad as yesterday. I'm so bloated from the alcohol, I look like I am 10 months pregnant and my belly feels like it will pop any day now. I'm puffy all over, but nothing like I had before with the severe edema, it's just very uncomfortable. Still have elevated heartbeat and nausea. BP is up of course, but not danger level, yet. No more visual and audio hallucinations today. Those were mild anyway.

But what I did today, I ate all day, I feel like I'm starving to death. But I decided that stuffing myself with food and drinking soda all day is the best I can do right now.

I'm hoping the worst is over, but I don't know. I know I'm not out of the woods yet. And after I know the cravings will return with a vengeance as soon as I feel a little better. I have to day, I don't know where I'm going with this. I dread the daily evening depression I had before. I think I will start walking tomorrow and plan some sort of light exercise.

I know I'm not too chatty now. It's because I'm so nervous and it actually takes me a long time to type anything out and when I get it, I have to keep proof reading it because it's full of spelling and grammatical errors. I've tried a couple of times responding to people, but when I do, it seems like I'm not making any sense and I keep having to go back and read the other person's post, because I type half a sentence and forget what I'm replying to. I was having this problem badly while working today. I would start working on a problem, but I had to keep going back and reading what I was supposed to be doing over and over again. Very frustrating. My mind is all sorts of out of wack.

tursiops999

welcome back, TheWayBack. Glad you're here. Don't worry about sounding wacky, we understand. I hope our support can help you get sober for good. Stick around, when that depression sets in we're here to listen. For now, one foot in front of the other, but stick with us.