Found my way back here
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Originally Posted by SnazzyDresser 
Insomnia is very common in the first few weeks. I had it bad maybe the first 3 weeks, then it got significantly better. But I can't say I don't still have sleep issues now and then, 3.5 years in. Of course I also drink way too much coffee, look at computer screens late at night, and generally flout a lot of the good-sleeping rules.
You're doing great, WayBack.
You're doing great, WayBack.
I typically only drink one cup of coffee, because if I drink more, it tends to make me nervous and nauseous. The one thing I've noticed is that now it actually wakes me up, it's starting to work again. The last year or so, I'd drink a couple of coffee, all hung over and it had no noticeable effect.
I'm always at my computer before I go to bed. Maybe I should try to break that habit. I tried the blue screen filter on my Kindle, but I can't stand that. I've not been reading at night now though because when I go to bed, I typically fall asleep right away. Come to think of it, I wasn't reading before at bed time either because I would pass out every evening. I'm not even sure the last time I read at night, may have been years ago.
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Originally Posted by Dave42001
Great work!!! Kudos to you.
There's a lot going on in your brain right now.
Keep up the great work!! Wishing you the best.
There's a lot going on in your brain right now.
Keep up the great work!! Wishing you the best.
"There's a lot going on in your brain right now."
Unfortunately, almost all of it not good.
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Originally Posted by TheWayBack
"There's a lot going on in your brain right now."
Unfortunately, almost all of it not good.
Unfortunately, almost all of it not good.
Maybe try being gentle and patient with yourself?
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Originally Posted by TheWayBack
I really have to figure out a way to start going to sleep at night earlier. Because work. I'm really enjoying staying up until 3am or later, and sleeping until noon, because I can, on the weekend. But I need to be at my desk by 9am Monday thru Friday. I sometimes have meetings as early as 9:30am, and there is one on my calendar at that time on Monday. But I cannot fall sleep. The earliest I have fallen asleep since this Monday, my first day of my quit, was probably 1:30am. When I wake up I am like a real life zombie. The best I can describe it, I drag myself out of bed at 8:45am, I walk to the bathroom like a 90 year old man, scooting my feet on the rug. I go make some coffee and sit down in a chair in the living room and I feel like I've been shot with a tranquilizer dart. Not exaggerating. It takes me about half a large cup of coffee to even get my eyes to stay open. So I get to my desk and get logged in at 9am and I am soooo tired. Friday I also had a 9:30am and I was feeling a little more alert and did OK. I mean I don't think anyone in the meeting was looking at me thinking 'what the heck is wrong with this guy?'. I've tried all the get to sleep this way stuff and it just doesn't work. I think last time I tried to quit, I finally started getting to sleep a little earlier,not sure how long it took. So I guess I just have to ride it out.
Right now, I didn't really have the depression/anxiety thing today. It did start to come on around 8:30 - 9pm, which is the time I was typically beer buzz numb zone. But I just started doing some stuff, mostly eating junk food and trying to joke with the wife (who was trying to watch one of her TV shows, and getting annoyed with me). But I think that worked.
My wife has been wonderful through all of this. But she's not used to getting all of this attention. Since before she barely got any. I work from 9-5 and sometimes later. And as soon as work ends, I would grab a beer, and after that, I paid no attention to much of anything except for my next beer. I actually thought about this, this afternoon and it just hit me really hard. She was by herself most of the day, except when we'd do lunch, until end of work, and then I'd go straight off to beer land. This is a really painful thing to me, and I hate to even think about it, because it makes me not really like me so much. I have no idea how she stayed with me. It's one thing to have to say 'oh well, my partner got drunk today and I may as well have been alone'. But to do that for years, my God, that is just awful.
Right now, I didn't really have the depression/anxiety thing today. It did start to come on around 8:30 - 9pm, which is the time I was typically beer buzz numb zone. But I just started doing some stuff, mostly eating junk food and trying to joke with the wife (who was trying to watch one of her TV shows, and getting annoyed with me). But I think that worked.
My wife has been wonderful through all of this. But she's not used to getting all of this attention. Since before she barely got any. I work from 9-5 and sometimes later. And as soon as work ends, I would grab a beer, and after that, I paid no attention to much of anything except for my next beer. I actually thought about this, this afternoon and it just hit me really hard. She was by herself most of the day, except when we'd do lunch, until end of work, and then I'd go straight off to beer land. This is a really painful thing to me, and I hate to even think about it, because it makes me not really like me so much. I have no idea how she stayed with me. It's one thing to have to say 'oh well, my partner got drunk today and I may as well have been alone'. But to do that for years, my God, that is just awful.
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Day 12 in the books.
I actually had a pretty good day today. Even though I didn't sleep much last night, maybe 4-5 hours. Yesterday is the first day I did not need a nap during the day. I took 2 of them today though, I was just so tired. One thing I am happy about is that I did not have craving again today and I have not really had any depression in the afternoon for the past several days. I'm actually in a pretty good mood this afternoon and evening, after my 2nd nap. So glad it's the weekend though, so I can try to catch up on sleep again. I've just accepted that sleep will be rough for a while and am dealing with it best I can. But right now, I am so happy I quit the self abuse. I do feel better. I am a long, maybe very long way from good, but am thankful for just a little better. I wouldn't say I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I do not. It's more like being happy that I am not in the pits of despair every waking moment of every day, except for that few hours being drunk, only to wake up after fitful sleep to more misery until beer time again.
I actually had a pretty good day today. Even though I didn't sleep much last night, maybe 4-5 hours. Yesterday is the first day I did not need a nap during the day. I took 2 of them today though, I was just so tired. One thing I am happy about is that I did not have craving again today and I have not really had any depression in the afternoon for the past several days. I'm actually in a pretty good mood this afternoon and evening, after my 2nd nap. So glad it's the weekend though, so I can try to catch up on sleep again. I've just accepted that sleep will be rough for a while and am dealing with it best I can. But right now, I am so happy I quit the self abuse. I do feel better. I am a long, maybe very long way from good, but am thankful for just a little better. I wouldn't say I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I do not. It's more like being happy that I am not in the pits of despair every waking moment of every day, except for that few hours being drunk, only to wake up after fitful sleep to more misery until beer time again.
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I just realized that I didn't post yesterday. But I didn't drink either! I was playing a video game until around 4am this morning, and I think I just forgot and then was falling asleep.
Some good news, the ravenous appetite is finally coming under control the past couple days and I've now managed to drop 3 lbs. Now only 36 lbs to go to my target weight. Have to start exercise soon. I'm still feeling a lot of fatigue and honestly, sometimes my entire body feels like I've been ran over by a heard of stampeding Buffalo.
But overall, I feel a little more positive. No more withdrawals or cravings, of if any, they are mild, for now and my BP is down a little. I'm not feeling as much anxiety, it still pops up occasionally. And not much evening depression. That's the thing that worried me most, because I couldn't seem to shake that last quit and I want to blame that for my drinking again, although like everything else, probably was just another lame excuse because I never seemed to run out of them.
Anyway, 14 days down.
Some good news, the ravenous appetite is finally coming under control the past couple days and I've now managed to drop 3 lbs. Now only 36 lbs to go to my target weight. Have to start exercise soon. I'm still feeling a lot of fatigue and honestly, sometimes my entire body feels like I've been ran over by a heard of stampeding Buffalo.
But overall, I feel a little more positive. No more withdrawals or cravings, of if any, they are mild, for now and my BP is down a little. I'm not feeling as much anxiety, it still pops up occasionally. And not much evening depression. That's the thing that worried me most, because I couldn't seem to shake that last quit and I want to blame that for my drinking again, although like everything else, probably was just another lame excuse because I never seemed to run out of them.
Anyway, 14 days down.
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
Congrats on your 14 days. 
Good to see you so positive and determined. It's wonderful to come out of the fog and get our lives back. 
Good to see you so positive and determined. It's wonderful to come out of the fog and get our lives back. Member
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15 days. I feel better in many ways. No evening depression still. But tired and fatigued a lot. I still want to take naps during the day, but I'm resisting it. No naps past 2 days.
I have aches and pains in places I didn't even know I had. I basically am just sore achy all over my body. I don't know if this is part of some sort of detox. I hope it's not that and it's not that there's a million things wrong with me that I've been numbing for years so much I didn't notice it.
The other thing is that my brain seems to be completely scrambled at times. Like I feel more clarity of mind, then all of the sudden, I'm confused and can't put two thoughts together. Also having accidents. Yesterday, I managed to knock a glass of juice off my desk and half way across the room on the carpet. Today, I nearly dropped a big jar of olives on the tile floor in the kitchen, I mean it was close, the jar was actually in the air, and I somehow managed to catch it before it hit the floor. About 5 minutes later, I knocked one of the ice containers out of the freezer and it went all over the entire kitchen floor. 5 minutes after that, I did drop a jar of pepperocini on the tile, and by some miracle it didn't break and the lid was on. I managed to never drop anything like that on the floor the entire 10 years of being drunk almost every single day, that I can remember. I've suddenly became an uncoordinated clumsy clown.
The other thing is, I have zero motivation to do much of anything. I worked today, and got stuff done. But I was not enthusiastic about it. I have no ambition at all. My wife decorated the entire house for Halloween and then cleaned off the deck and decorated it, while I sat and looked like a tired out hound dog. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have any ambition or motivation at my age. Maybe that ship has just sailed and I should just sit in a rocking chair on the deck and dream of better times past. Maybe I can learn to knit. And I'm a guy, but anything else sounds like too much work to me.
I have aches and pains in places I didn't even know I had. I basically am just sore achy all over my body. I don't know if this is part of some sort of detox. I hope it's not that and it's not that there's a million things wrong with me that I've been numbing for years so much I didn't notice it.
The other thing is that my brain seems to be completely scrambled at times. Like I feel more clarity of mind, then all of the sudden, I'm confused and can't put two thoughts together. Also having accidents. Yesterday, I managed to knock a glass of juice off my desk and half way across the room on the carpet. Today, I nearly dropped a big jar of olives on the tile floor in the kitchen, I mean it was close, the jar was actually in the air, and I somehow managed to catch it before it hit the floor. About 5 minutes later, I knocked one of the ice containers out of the freezer and it went all over the entire kitchen floor. 5 minutes after that, I did drop a jar of pepperocini on the tile, and by some miracle it didn't break and the lid was on. I managed to never drop anything like that on the floor the entire 10 years of being drunk almost every single day, that I can remember. I've suddenly became an uncoordinated clumsy clown.
The other thing is, I have zero motivation to do much of anything. I worked today, and got stuff done. But I was not enthusiastic about it. I have no ambition at all. My wife decorated the entire house for Halloween and then cleaned off the deck and decorated it, while I sat and looked like a tired out hound dog. Maybe I'm just not supposed to have any ambition or motivation at my age. Maybe that ship has just sailed and I should just sit in a rocking chair on the deck and dream of better times past. Maybe I can learn to knit. And I'm a guy, but anything else sounds like too much work to me.
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Yeah...The immediate withdrawal was a cakewalk honestly compared to how I felt in the next three months. It was almost indescribable, like I didn’t inhabit my own body and mind. Ennui for months. Low energy. No motivation. No sex drive, zip. An almost obsessive focus on simply not drinking. Sometimes feeling a bit dissociated. Bizarre vivid dreams. Crying at the drop of a hat. And that went on for about six months.
two best things that helped these feelings out of a long, long long list of things I tried? Exercise, and epsom salt baths. I recommend both.
just hold on tight. The fact that you feel this way means you needed to do it. And you’re doing it. Patience, self care, and holding on. You’re doing great.
two best things that helped these feelings out of a long, long long list of things I tried? Exercise, and epsom salt baths. I recommend both.
just hold on tight. The fact that you feel this way means you needed to do it. And you’re doing it. Patience, self care, and holding on. You’re doing great.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Yeah...The immediate withdrawal was a cakewalk honestly compared to how I felt in the next three months. It was almost indescribable, like I didn’t inhabit my own body and mind. Ennui for months. Low energy. No motivation. No sex drive, zip. An almost obsessive focus on simply not drinking. Sometimes feeling a bit dissociated. Bizarre vivid dreams. Crying at the drop of a hat. And that went on for about six months.
two best things that helped these feelings out of a long, long long list of things I tried? Exercise, and epsom salt baths. I recommend both.
just hold on tight. The fact that you feel this way means you needed to do it. And you’re doing it. Patience, self care, and holding on. You’re doing great.
two best things that helped these feelings out of a long, long long list of things I tried? Exercise, and epsom salt baths. I recommend both.
just hold on tight. The fact that you feel this way means you needed to do it. And you’re doing it. Patience, self care, and holding on. You’re doing great.
16 days. Went pretty fast. The AV was yapping at me today. I think what triggered it is that I have some friends who are drinkers and some of them heavy drinkers. I can't say if some of them have a problem or not, that's up to them to decide, but I think a few of them do. It's just that they've been highly functional and at least somewhat successful like I have been mostly and they don't want to admit it and love drinking just like I did. But I think that triggered the AV to say 'hey, remember how much fun you guys have had drinking and chatting it up?'. Nope, I don't drink, that was before. I still talk to them I just don't drink. And I don't have a single friend if I say 'I quit drinking, will judge me or not support me'. Because I have friends in that circle who quit years ago and everyone is very supportive. I'll get a joke like 'What? Somebody do something!'. But they'll be supportive. I hope I can still be around some of those guys and not want to drink.
So AV lasted about 5 minutes, and that was it.
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17 days. I'm a little down today. So many aches and pains. I'm having so many different symptoms real or imaginary. I have a symptom and I'm web searching it and I think OMG, no that can't be. And then in 10 minutes I have another symptom and I think some other terrible thing is wrong with me. This is crazy. I need to stop looking up all these symptoms and calm down.
I feel like I've been piling up a pile of dirt for so long that now it's a giant mountain, like the size of Everest and I'm standing at the base looking up, realizing I have to clean up this mountain, and it's an insurmountable task, it's going to take forever. But I want to do it right now and there's not a piece of machinery on earth that can move that thing today, or this week, or this month, or this year. I don't know if anyone else has had this feeling, but I want to go back 10 years and do this all over, and get it right this time.
I feel like I've been piling up a pile of dirt for so long that now it's a giant mountain, like the size of Everest and I'm standing at the base looking up, realizing I have to clean up this mountain, and it's an insurmountable task, it's going to take forever. But I want to do it right now and there's not a piece of machinery on earth that can move that thing today, or this week, or this month, or this year. I don't know if anyone else has had this feeling, but I want to go back 10 years and do this all over, and get it right this time.
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One of the reason's I keep trying to write here every day is that I have no idea what happened last time as far as withdrawals. All I know is that post withdrawal, I had bad depression in the late afternoon/evening hours. Oddly, I don't really have that this time, not yet anyway. I feel down at times, like today, but it seems normal, I'm having a bad day, I feel a little down. What I had last quit attempt was not normal at all. It was like automatic as soon as the sun went down.
I finally read about kindling today. Oh boy, well I don't really know if it happened to me last time, and I don't want to find out next time because I don't want there to be a next time I quit drinking.
I finally read about kindling today. Oh boy, well I don't really know if it happened to me last time, and I don't want to find out next time because I don't want there to be a next time I quit drinking.
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