Please please help! Relapsed.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Please please help! Relapsed.
Hello everyone! Here I am, again, crying for help! Failed to stay sober and feeling this is my lowest point right now. Perhaps, THIS IS my rock bottom (I sure hope so). Today is my Day 1 all over again. How frustrating! Countless Day 1 and never past Day 14. How awful and embarrassing to realize that booze wins every time. Not a daily drinker but a binge drinker consuming way too much alcohol in one sitting. The things I have done and said under the influence of this monster 😱 The pain I have caused, the disappointment .....😭
I am going out of my mind right now with guilt and shame desperately trying to piece together last night. Blackout drunk-it can’t be me anymore!!! I cannot live in a state of constant regret; I must stay away from alcohol! I must! I can! I will!
But this hurts so so bad right now; and just to think that I did it to myself hurts even more! I am my worst enemy.
Please share your journey from shame and guilt to standing with your head up high and no regrets.
Please tell me how you were able to put it all in the past and move forward without feeling like you are the worst person on earth. Will it get better? Will this feeling of anxiety and complete loneliness pass? How does one forgive herself?
Why did I take that first drink?!? What was I thinking? Nothing but pain and regrets.
And if you are struggling just like I am right at this moment, let the healing begin and know that you are not alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you for reading my post. I needed to write it on here; I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to reflect on this daily in order to stay away from drinking. Willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Cannot continue wasting my life away like that. I have so much to offer to the world; I have so much to live for-healthy and proud! I want to come back here past Day 14, and post something that I can be actually proud of and inspire others during their dark moments.
Thank you for not judging me, for accepting me here, and for your time and kindness🙏🏻
I am going out of my mind right now with guilt and shame desperately trying to piece together last night. Blackout drunk-it can’t be me anymore!!! I cannot live in a state of constant regret; I must stay away from alcohol! I must! I can! I will!
But this hurts so so bad right now; and just to think that I did it to myself hurts even more! I am my worst enemy.
Please share your journey from shame and guilt to standing with your head up high and no regrets.
Please tell me how you were able to put it all in the past and move forward without feeling like you are the worst person on earth. Will it get better? Will this feeling of anxiety and complete loneliness pass? How does one forgive herself?
Why did I take that first drink?!? What was I thinking? Nothing but pain and regrets.
And if you are struggling just like I am right at this moment, let the healing begin and know that you are not alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you for reading my post. I needed to write it on here; I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to reflect on this daily in order to stay away from drinking. Willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Cannot continue wasting my life away like that. I have so much to offer to the world; I have so much to live for-healthy and proud! I want to come back here past Day 14, and post something that I can be actually proud of and inspire others during their dark moments.
Thank you for not judging me, for accepting me here, and for your time and kindness🙏🏻
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Welcome back Kat, sorry to hear that you drank - but I am happy that you decided to come here for help. Acknowledging the problem is always a hard, but necessary step.
As far as how to move forward, hold your head high, and all of that - I found that making sobriety your top priority over everything else is what helps most. By that I mean accepting that you can never, ever drink even one sip of alcohol without facing consequences. And after that, committing to some kind of plan to make sure that you don't. How you go about that is completely up to you, but there are a myriad of optoins - meetings, therapy, rehab, reading, meditation, and many more. You'll find a lot of support here and information on that very subject.
As far as the initial anxiety - that's mostly from our brain re-adjusting after a binge or long period of drinking. Remember that alcohol is a drug and a central nervous system depressant at that - so when you quit after an extended period, your anxiety rebounds in a serious way. That usually clears up in a few days- week after quitting. It's also possible to suffer from anxiety in general - I am diagnosed myself, but that's something you can work on down the road if it lingers.
Getting rest, drinking water, eating some decent food and a bit of light exercise can certainly help initially to.
So yes - it will get better, assuming you make the right choices.
As far as how to move forward, hold your head high, and all of that - I found that making sobriety your top priority over everything else is what helps most. By that I mean accepting that you can never, ever drink even one sip of alcohol without facing consequences. And after that, committing to some kind of plan to make sure that you don't. How you go about that is completely up to you, but there are a myriad of optoins - meetings, therapy, rehab, reading, meditation, and many more. You'll find a lot of support here and information on that very subject.
As far as the initial anxiety - that's mostly from our brain re-adjusting after a binge or long period of drinking. Remember that alcohol is a drug and a central nervous system depressant at that - so when you quit after an extended period, your anxiety rebounds in a serious way. That usually clears up in a few days- week after quitting. It's also possible to suffer from anxiety in general - I am diagnosed myself, but that's something you can work on down the road if it lingers.
Getting rest, drinking water, eating some decent food and a bit of light exercise can certainly help initially to.
So yes - it will get better, assuming you make the right choices.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Scott,
thank you so much for your kind wishes and support. I read and re-read every word you wrote taking it all in. My mental state is rather fragile right now due to hangover and anxiety, which I pray shall pass soon.
Crying in my room as my son has a hard time (to put it mildly) forgiving me for relapsing. Rightfully so, but oh-how-painful to see him feeling hurt and scared for his mother. Why did I take that first drink? A rhetorical questions that has been eating me alive all night and all morning.
thank you once again for listening and understanding.
thank you so much for your kind wishes and support. I read and re-read every word you wrote taking it all in. My mental state is rather fragile right now due to hangover and anxiety, which I pray shall pass soon.
Crying in my room as my son has a hard time (to put it mildly) forgiving me for relapsing. Rightfully so, but oh-how-painful to see him feeling hurt and scared for his mother. Why did I take that first drink? A rhetorical questions that has been eating me alive all night and all morning.
thank you once again for listening and understanding.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
May I ask, what were you doing to recover from your alcoholism?
I am planning on taking it one day at a time from this day forward remembering the physical and psychological pain I am in right now.
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Thanks for responding.
I kept my family my number one priority above everything else. That put me in the right frame of mind and worked for a while...Not much of a plan, I guess, but the good intention is there.
I asked what you were doing because whatever it was, it doesn't seem to be working. Good intentions won't keep you sober. Shame won't keep you sober.
I don't like to suggest specific methods or programs, like AA. But when someone come here as desperate for help as you appeared to be, I have to wonder, why not AA? Why not do whatever it takes to get and remain sober? Be it AA, Smart Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, out-patient treatment, in-patient rehab...WHAT EVER IT TAKES.
Originally Posted by Kat1313
I kept my family my number one priority above everything else. That put me in the right frame of mind and worked for a while...Not much of a plan, I guess, but the good intention is there.
I don't like to suggest specific methods or programs, like AA. But when someone come here as desperate for help as you appeared to be, I have to wonder, why not AA? Why not do whatever it takes to get and remain sober? Be it AA, Smart Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, out-patient treatment, in-patient rehab...WHAT EVER IT TAKES.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Can someone please advise me on how I should handle myself with my son? It is killing me to see him not speaking to me. I deserve it, I know, but I am so much more than my relapse. Emotional pain is unbearable right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
How old is your son?
I think you may just need to give him space and time and resolve to show him through actions you are serious about staying sober for good. You can certainly apologize, but if you've promised to quit many times before and failed, you can understand why he is stepping back at the moment and don't expect him to be vulnerable right away.
When my mom would drink over and over after promising she wouldn't, I would get so angry and hurt I literally had to have space. That didn't mean I didn't love her, but that her actions felt like she chose booze over me.
Of course you are more than your relapse, but to ask your son to swallow his pain and hurt to make you feel better may not be possible right now.
That's the hard truth of how alcoholism affects the whole family dynamic--not just the drinker.
The good news is that you can make that final decision to be done forever. As Carl says, it takes more than good intentions. Maybe if you actually went to a recovery meeting every day this week your son would see you are taking observable action. That might help bring him around.
Kat I am so sorry for your pain, and boy do I understand the regret of a relapse. You can quit for good--throw everything you have at it and never give up.
I think you may just need to give him space and time and resolve to show him through actions you are serious about staying sober for good. You can certainly apologize, but if you've promised to quit many times before and failed, you can understand why he is stepping back at the moment and don't expect him to be vulnerable right away.
When my mom would drink over and over after promising she wouldn't, I would get so angry and hurt I literally had to have space. That didn't mean I didn't love her, but that her actions felt like she chose booze over me.
Of course you are more than your relapse, but to ask your son to swallow his pain and hurt to make you feel better may not be possible right now.
That's the hard truth of how alcoholism affects the whole family dynamic--not just the drinker.
The good news is that you can make that final decision to be done forever. As Carl says, it takes more than good intentions. Maybe if you actually went to a recovery meeting every day this week your son would see you are taking observable action. That might help bring him around.
Kat I am so sorry for your pain, and boy do I understand the regret of a relapse. You can quit for good--throw everything you have at it and never give up.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Kat1313
Can someone please advise me on how I should handle myself with my son? It is killing me to see him not speaking to me. I deserve it, I know, but I am so much more than my relapse. Emotional pain is unbearable right now.
And yes, it does feel horribile - I still cringe when I think of some of the things I did ( or did not do ) that affected my family while I was drinking. But to be honest, when we do bad things we should feel bad about them - that's how we get in trouble with drinking in the fist place: By avoiding/hiding/escaping things we aren't comfortable with.
I can tell you that people are very forgiving....and our bodies/minds have a tremendous capability to recover. But it comes at a cost - hard work on our part. You can certainly share about things you are doing with him, for example if you need to spend time at a recovery meeting you could tell him that.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
How old is your son?
I think you may just need to give him space and time and resolve to show him through actions you are serious about staying sober for good. You can certainly apologize, but if you've promised to quit many times before and failed, you can understand why he is stepping back at the moment and don't expect him to be vulnerable right away.
When my mom would drink over and over after promising she wouldn't, I would get so angry and hurt I literally had to have space. That didn't mean I didn't love her, but that her actions felt like she chose booze over me.
Of course you are more than your relapse, but to ask your son to swallow his pain and hurt to make you feel better may not be possible right now.
That's the hard truth of how alcoholism affects the whole family dynamic--not just the drinker.
The good news is that you can make that final decision to be done forever. As Carl says, it takes more than good intentions. Maybe if you actually went to a recovery meeting every day this week your son would see you are taking observable action. That might help bring him around.
Kat I am so sorry for your pain, and boy do I understand the regret of a relapse. You can quit for good--throw everything you have at it and never give up.
I think you may just need to give him space and time and resolve to show him through actions you are serious about staying sober for good. You can certainly apologize, but if you've promised to quit many times before and failed, you can understand why he is stepping back at the moment and don't expect him to be vulnerable right away.
When my mom would drink over and over after promising she wouldn't, I would get so angry and hurt I literally had to have space. That didn't mean I didn't love her, but that her actions felt like she chose booze over me.
Of course you are more than your relapse, but to ask your son to swallow his pain and hurt to make you feel better may not be possible right now.
That's the hard truth of how alcoholism affects the whole family dynamic--not just the drinker.
The good news is that you can make that final decision to be done forever. As Carl says, it takes more than good intentions. Maybe if you actually went to a recovery meeting every day this week your son would see you are taking observable action. That might help bring him around.
Kat I am so sorry for your pain, and boy do I understand the regret of a relapse. You can quit for good--throw everything you have at it and never give up.
Hawkeye13,
I am moved to tears by your reply. Just what I needed to hear. My son is 18, very mature and wise beyond his years. He is my best friend.....Not today though, and it’s all my fault. I am going to do whatever it takes to stay sober this time around. I cannot believe I drank last night and let my family down. Guilt is so bad right now that I struggle to put it into words. Never more!
Thank you for your support. Means a lot to me especially right now. God bless! 🤗
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
The best thing you can do is focus on doing whatever it takes to stay sober. There's really not much you can say that will change anything other than action. He sees your drinking for what it is...so until you accept that and also face it head on, it will look like just more of the same.
And yes, it does feel horribile - I still cringe when I think of some of the things I did ( or did not do ) that affected my family while I was drinking. But to be honest, when we do bad things we should feel bad about them - that's how we get in trouble with drinking in the fist place: By avoiding/hiding/escaping things we aren't comfortable with.
I can tell you that people are very forgiving....and our bodies/minds have a tremendous capability to recover. But it comes at a cost - hard work on our part. You can certainly share about things you are doing with him, for example if you need to spend time at a recovery meeting you could tell him that.
And yes, it does feel horribile - I still cringe when I think of some of the things I did ( or did not do ) that affected my family while I was drinking. But to be honest, when we do bad things we should feel bad about them - that's how we get in trouble with drinking in the fist place: By avoiding/hiding/escaping things we aren't comfortable with.
I can tell you that people are very forgiving....and our bodies/minds have a tremendous capability to recover. But it comes at a cost - hard work on our part. You can certainly share about things you are doing with him, for example if you need to spend time at a recovery meeting you could tell him that.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Kat - Please forgive yourself & remain resolved to rise above this. Write down how you're feeling after this last episode - sometimes the memory grows dim & we decide it wasn't really that bad. I did the same thing when my son was a teenager. He used to leave me notes about my behavior. It was brutal - but I deserved it. Anyway, many years later we have a great relationship, & although I'm sure he remembers the bad times it hasn't ruined our love for each other. For now, focus on healing from this & getting free of alcohol for good. Hold your head up - be strong and determined. You've proven to yourself there's no control once it's in your system. This can be the last time you ever have to feel this miserable. 
You can do it, Kat.
You can do it, Kat.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Welcome to SR, Kat. I am so glad you found us. You will find a lot of support here.
Please don't take what I say the wrong way. I am a pretty blunt person, but I certainly don't mean anything as condemnation. That said...
This CAN be your rock bottom if it pushes you to do whatever it takes to stop drinking and live a sober life. Perhaps consider long-term rehab (anything over 28 or 30 days) to kickstart your sobriety and give you tools to use when cravings hit...and they will hit. After rehab, get involved with a program to help keep you sober. AA is great, but just meetings aren't the answer. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is the true AA program.
You say you put your family first, and while that sounds nice, you are going to have to change that mindset to putting your sobriety first. If you do that, then your family will benefit from it as much as you do.
I hope you will be willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it's something you don't think you need or don't think you have time for. You DO need it and you must make time for keeping your sobriety your number one priority. (((HUGS)))
Please don't take what I say the wrong way. I am a pretty blunt person, but I certainly don't mean anything as condemnation. That said...
This CAN be your rock bottom if it pushes you to do whatever it takes to stop drinking and live a sober life. Perhaps consider long-term rehab (anything over 28 or 30 days) to kickstart your sobriety and give you tools to use when cravings hit...and they will hit. After rehab, get involved with a program to help keep you sober. AA is great, but just meetings aren't the answer. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is the true AA program.
You say you put your family first, and while that sounds nice, you are going to have to change that mindset to putting your sobriety first. If you do that, then your family will benefit from it as much as you do.
I hope you will be willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it's something you don't think you need or don't think you have time for. You DO need it and you must make time for keeping your sobriety your number one priority. (((HUGS)))
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
Kat - Please forgive yourself & remain resolved to rise above this. Write down how you're feeling after this last episode - sometimes the memory grows dim & we decide it wasn't really that bad. I did the same thing when my son was a teenager. He used to leave me notes about my behavior. It was brutal - but I deserved it. Anyway, many years later we have a great relationship, & although I'm sure he remembers the bad times it hasn't ruined our love for each other. For now, focus on healing from this & getting free of alcohol for good. Hold your head up - be strong and determined. You've proven to yourself there's no control once it's in your system. This can be the last time you ever have to feel this miserable. You can do it, Kat.
You can do it, Kat.Yes, I can!!! I am so glad you were able to overcome this horrid disease and have a great relationship with your son. Gives me something to look forward to.
And as for writing things down for future reference-absolutey! This was one of the main reasons I came back on SR this morning. Made myself accountable, put my feelings and thoughts out there hoping that some day a story of my success (God willing) will inspire someone like me. A glimpse of hope for a hurting soul, if you will.
Grateful for your reply 🤗 feeling inspired and want my story to have a happy ending.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
First, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. That tipping point is a fine line as we often rationalize in our minds why we need that next drink (relapse). Sobriety has to be for you from you.
Find a program that has a proven success rate. Doesn't matter what the rate is, find a method for helping you to stay stopped.
Women for Recovery (or Men for Recovery), LifeRing, SOS, Refuge Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, AVRT are some programs that can help us.
Pick one and work it like it's life or death!
Find a program that has a proven success rate. Doesn't matter what the rate is, find a method for helping you to stay stopped.
Women for Recovery (or Men for Recovery), LifeRing, SOS, Refuge Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, AVRT are some programs that can help us.
Pick one and work it like it's life or death!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by suki44883
Welcome to SR, Kat. I am so glad you found us. You will find a lot of support here.
Please don't take what I say the wrong way. I am a pretty blunt person, but I certainly don't mean anything as condemnation. That said...
This CAN be your rock bottom if it pushes you to do whatever it takes to stop drinking and live a sober life. Perhaps consider long-term rehab (anything over 28 or 30 days) to kickstart your sobriety and give you tools to use when cravings hit...and they will hit. After rehab, get involved with a program to help keep you sober. AA is great, but just meetings aren't the answer. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is the true AA program.
You say you put your family first, and while that sounds nice, you are going to have to change that mindset to putting your sobriety first. If you do that, then your family will benefit from it as much as you do.
I hope you will be willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it's something you don't think you need or don't think you have time for. You DO need it and you must make time for keeping your sobriety your number one priority. (((HUGS)))
Please don't take what I say the wrong way. I am a pretty blunt person, but I certainly don't mean anything as condemnation. That said...
This CAN be your rock bottom if it pushes you to do whatever it takes to stop drinking and live a sober life. Perhaps consider long-term rehab (anything over 28 or 30 days) to kickstart your sobriety and give you tools to use when cravings hit...and they will hit. After rehab, get involved with a program to help keep you sober. AA is great, but just meetings aren't the answer. Getting a sponsor and working the steps is the true AA program.
You say you put your family first, and while that sounds nice, you are going to have to change that mindset to putting your sobriety first. If you do that, then your family will benefit from it as much as you do.
I hope you will be willing to do whatever is necessary, even if it's something you don't think you need or don't think you have time for. You DO need it and you must make time for keeping your sobriety your number one priority. (((HUGS)))
I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my sobriety work. My binge-drinking is tearing my family apart! I cannot stand to see my family hurt this much; moreover, I don’t EVER want to feel this miserable again!!! It is eating at me and I am having the hardest time with guilt and embarrassment of it all. What a curse! And to think that I did it to myself is just boggles my mind. I want to love and protect my family, not to hurt them. I am determined! Thank you for your input and wisdom. 🤗
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
First, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. That tipping point is a fine line as we often rationalize in our minds why we need that next drink (relapse). Sobriety has to be for you from you.
Find a program that has a proven success rate. Doesn't matter what the rate is, find a method for helping you to stay stopped.
Women for Recovery (or Men for Recovery), LifeRing, SOS, Refuge Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, AVRT are some programs that can help us.
Pick one and work it like it's life or death!
Find a program that has a proven success rate. Doesn't matter what the rate is, find a method for helping you to stay stopped.
Women for Recovery (or Men for Recovery), LifeRing, SOS, Refuge Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, AVRT are some programs that can help us.
Pick one and work it like it's life or death!
I just want the pain of it all to be gone and never have it back in our lives. 🤗
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