Please please help! Relapsed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Colorado
Posts: 702
I could have posted your exact post on January 11th, 2020. I was a binge drinker as well... blackouts, thinking I could have just 1, disappointed family (including 2 kids), shame, guilt, many Day 1s, etc. The only think that has kept me sober this time is I have a plan and I stick to it.
1. The feelings of anxiety over past behavior do subside, but it takes time.
2. My kids and husband were horribly disappointed in me. I talked with my sponsor about this and she asked (in more gentle words than I’m using), “Can you blame them?” It will take time. Your son probably needs to see you sober for a decent amount of time.
3. As far as my plan, I joined AA online and am working the Steps (any program with a proven track record will work), I joined SR and am active in my January class as well as a couple of other daily threads, I told my immediate family and a few select friends, I write 10 things I’m grateful for every single morning, I downloaded a sobriety app on my phone, I downloaded a sobriety prayer and meditation app on my phone, I completed sobriety plans on a Bible app I have, I read recovery books in my first few weeks, I talk openly with my husband and kids about my sobriety. I found that having to hold myself accountable to other people has been what has helped me the most so far.
Before this time, the only thing I did was tell my family that I would quit drinking, and apologized to them. That didn’t work for me. It does get better.
Hang in there!
Please tell me how you were able to put it all in the past and move forward without feeling like you are the worst person on earth. Will it get better? Will this feeling of anxiety and complete loneliness pass? How does one forgive herself?
2. My kids and husband were horribly disappointed in me. I talked with my sponsor about this and she asked (in more gentle words than I’m using), “Can you blame them?” It will take time. Your son probably needs to see you sober for a decent amount of time.
3. As far as my plan, I joined AA online and am working the Steps (any program with a proven track record will work), I joined SR and am active in my January class as well as a couple of other daily threads, I told my immediate family and a few select friends, I write 10 things I’m grateful for every single morning, I downloaded a sobriety app on my phone, I downloaded a sobriety prayer and meditation app on my phone, I completed sobriety plans on a Bible app I have, I read recovery books in my first few weeks, I talk openly with my husband and kids about my sobriety. I found that having to hold myself accountable to other people has been what has helped me the most so far.
Before this time, the only thing I did was tell my family that I would quit drinking, and apologized to them. That didn’t work for me. It does get better.
Hang in there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by DaisyBelle7 
I could have posted your exact post on January 11th, 2020. I was a binge drinker as well... blackouts, thinking I could have just 1, disappointed family (including 2 kids), shame, guilt, many Day 1s, etc. The only think that has kept me sober this time is I have a plan and I stick to it.
1. The feelings of anxiety over past behavior do subside, but it takes time.
2. My kids and husband were horribly disappointed in me. I talked with my sponsor about this and she asked (in more gentle words than I’m using), “Can you blame them?” It will take time. Your son probably needs to see you sober for a decent amount of time.
3. As far as my plan, I joined AA online and am working the Steps (any program with a proven track record will work), I joined SR and am active in my January class as well as a couple of other daily threads, I told my immediate family and a few select friends, I write 10 things I’m grateful for every single morning, I downloaded a sobriety app on my phone, I downloaded a sobriety prayer and meditation app on my phone, I completed sobriety plans on a Bible app I have, I read recovery books in my first few weeks, I talk openly with my husband and kids about my sobriety. I found that having to hold myself accountable to other people has been what has helped me the most so far.
Before this time, the only thing I did was tell my family that I would quit drinking, and apologized to them. That didn’t work for me. It does get better. Hang in there!
1. The feelings of anxiety over past behavior do subside, but it takes time.
2. My kids and husband were horribly disappointed in me. I talked with my sponsor about this and she asked (in more gentle words than I’m using), “Can you blame them?” It will take time. Your son probably needs to see you sober for a decent amount of time.
3. As far as my plan, I joined AA online and am working the Steps (any program with a proven track record will work), I joined SR and am active in my January class as well as a couple of other daily threads, I told my immediate family and a few select friends, I write 10 things I’m grateful for every single morning, I downloaded a sobriety app on my phone, I downloaded a sobriety prayer and meditation app on my phone, I completed sobriety plans on a Bible app I have, I read recovery books in my first few weeks, I talk openly with my husband and kids about my sobriety. I found that having to hold myself accountable to other people has been what has helped me the most so far.
Before this time, the only thing I did was tell my family that I would quit drinking, and apologized to them. That didn’t work for me. It does get better.
Hang in there!I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story and plan with me. My feelings are very raw today, but I am trying to do all I can to make Day 1 count. Cannot remember what I did or said last night, and it is making me nuts! I feel like I acted like a fool in front of people because I could not stand straight on my feet. Can’t even remember how I got home. I did not drive, that’s a fact. All I remember was looking at my husband and son’s faces when I stumbled through the door and fell down on a floor before I could close the door behind me. Very “lady-like” 🙈 how awful and so not who I want to be. Five hour binge messed me up so bad that I cannot recover emotionally and physically from it almost 24 hours later. How will I face people I was with? I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without feeling shameful. I will never forget what I am feeling right now. I could have spent those 5 hours with my family.....instead, I chose drinking. 😭😭😭
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Colorado
Posts: 702
Originally Posted by Kat1313
DaisyBelle7,
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story and plan with me. My feelings are very raw today, but I am trying to do all I can to make Day 1 count. Cannot remember what I did or said last night, and it is making me nuts! I feel like I acted like a fool in front of people because I could not stand straight on my feet. Can’t even remember how I got home. I did not drive, that’s a fact. All I remember was looking at my husband and son’s faces when I stumbled through the door and fell down on a floor before I could close the door behind me. Very “lady-like” �� how awful and so not who I want to be. Five hour binge messed me up so bad that I cannot recover emotionally and physically from it almost 24 hours later. How will I face people I was with? I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without feeling shameful. I will never forget what I am feeling right now. I could have spent those 5 hours with my family.....instead, I chose drinking. ������
Once you start working through your recovery plan, your feelings of shame and guilt will subside. Look at it this way... what happened last night got you to where you are right now. Don’t let there be another night like last night. I promise you, it’s WAY better to wake up sober every morning, remembering what I did last night, not having to apologize, not having a hangover or be vomiting... there’s no downside to being sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 292
The uglier your relapses are the more you will be able to resist the AV. That is how I managed. Even when the cravings had me crawling out of my skin I played the tape forward and the thought of that misery gave me the ammunition I needed to not give in to those awful cravings.
You are really reaching out for help which is great!
You are really reaching out for help which is great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by DaisyBelle7
For my last 3 years of drinking, I blacked out probably 95% of the time and there were a lot of times. It’s impossible for us to remember because in a blackout, we don’t form memories. There’s nothing there, so don’t try to recall because you’ll drive yourself crazy. I’ve done and said horrible things during blackouts, I’m sure most of us have. The thing I learned, is it’s likely that the people you were with were also drinking so they may not have a good memory of last night. I know it’s raw today, but do your best not to dwell on it because you can’t go back & change it. Channel that energy into making a recovery plan that works for you.
Once you start working through your recovery plan, your feelings of shame and guilt will subside. Look at it this way... what happened last night got you to where you are right now. Don’t let there be another night like last night. I promise you, it’s WAY better to wake up sober every morning, remembering what I did last night, not having to apologize, not having a hangover or be vomiting... there’s no downside to being sober.
Once you start working through your recovery plan, your feelings of shame and guilt will subside. Look at it this way... what happened last night got you to where you are right now. Don’t let there be another night like last night. I promise you, it’s WAY better to wake up sober every morning, remembering what I did last night, not having to apologize, not having a hangover or be vomiting... there’s no downside to being sober.
Overwhelmed is to say the least. All I can think about is how much my behavior and drinking patterns affect my family. A wake up call for sure. I guess there is a bright side to this nightmare-I was given another chance to fix my life! Everything happens for a reason, right?
I am so proud of you staying sober. We got this! 🤗
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Gettingcloser
The uglier your relapses are the more you will be able to resist the AV. That is how I managed. Even when the cravings had me crawling out of my skin I played the tape forward and the thought of that misery gave me the ammunition I needed to not give in to those awful cravings.
You are really reaching out for help which is great!
You are really reaching out for help which is great!
if you don’t mind my asking: how long have you been sober? Does it really get easier to let go of your past mistakes with time? Really could use some encouraging insight on that. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 292
It gets so much easier! I am almost two years sober and my life is so much better. What I didn't realize was how much the guilt and shame were weighing me down and that I was just used to living that way.
As you gain sober time you will get your self esteem and confidence back. The added bonus is the realization that hidden in the ugliness of your addiction is the amazing gift of sobriety.
I was in such a bad, hopeless place. I am so grateful for my sobriety because I have me back and that is pretty special!
You can so do this!!
As you gain sober time you will get your self esteem and confidence back. The added bonus is the realization that hidden in the ugliness of your addiction is the amazing gift of sobriety.
I was in such a bad, hopeless place. I am so grateful for my sobriety because I have me back and that is pretty special!
You can so do this!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,695
Welcome back Kat 
Every time I wanted to drink, I came here instead. Whether you do that as well, or add other things like AA or whatever as well, I don't think there's any substitute for hard sustained work, at least in the early days.
Not every day was hard, but some days I was so worn out from not drinking, I'd collapse into bed at dusk.
A good friend from the Friends and Family section here once said "my addict doesn't get to set the timetable for my trust or forgiveness."
As hard as that is to hear, its the truth, I'm not a parent, but I let my loved ones down a lot. They'd heard the 'I've quit - really' speech way too many times.
They neede to see change and real action in me to start forgiving me and trusting me again.
The good news is most of my loved ones responded to the change they saw in me.
I know it hurts to be on the outer with your son, but given him a little time.
Keep your side of the street clean and I hope his trust and forgiveness will kick into play again
D
Every time I wanted to drink, I came here instead. Whether you do that as well, or add other things like AA or whatever as well, I don't think there's any substitute for hard sustained work, at least in the early days.
Not every day was hard, but some days I was so worn out from not drinking, I'd collapse into bed at dusk.
Can someone please advise me on how I should handle myself with my son? It is killing me to see him not speaking to me. I deserve it, I know, but I am so much more than my relapse. Emotional pain is unbearable right now.
As hard as that is to hear, its the truth, I'm not a parent, but I let my loved ones down a lot. They'd heard the 'I've quit - really' speech way too many times.
They neede to see change and real action in me to start forgiving me and trusting me again.
The good news is most of my loved ones responded to the change they saw in me.
I know it hurts to be on the outer with your son, but given him a little time.
Keep your side of the street clean and I hope his trust and forgiveness will kick into play again
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Gettingcloser
It gets so much easier! I am almost two years sober and my life is so much better. What I didn't realize was how much the guilt and shame were weighing me down and that I was just used to living that way.
As you gain sober time you will get your self esteem and confidence back. The added bonus is the realization that hidden in the ugliness of your addiction is the amazing gift of sobriety.
I was in such a bad, hopeless place. I am so grateful for my sobriety because I have me back and that is pretty special!
You can so do this!!
As you gain sober time you will get your self esteem and confidence back. The added bonus is the realization that hidden in the ugliness of your addiction is the amazing gift of sobriety.
I was in such a bad, hopeless place. I am so grateful for my sobriety because I have me back and that is pretty special!
You can so do this!!
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻Yes, I can!
congrats on almost two years of sobriety. It’s a great accomplishment; gives me hope .
I am so loved by my family and the least I could do for them in return is to be the absolute best version of myself. I know that with hard work, a bit of time and sobriety under my belt, I will make them feel proud of me. They will no longer fear that I may relapse. I want them to have their lives back without having to worry about me drinking again. As they both told me this morning: “you don’t have to drink every day for us to worry about you killing yourself slowly. Even when you do it one a week or once a month or once a year, to us it feels like you are doing it every day. Because we have to see you become someone else, not the person we know and love.” When drunk, I tend to be more talkative, forgetful, my facial expressions change and my reaction and responses slow down significantly (regardless of number of drinks. After my first drink I am not myself. Pretty sure lots of people can relate to that). I can’t see or feel it for the most part but they can almost immediately and it drives them crazy. They cannot, nor they should, see me like that. My son says: “you are not fun when drinking. You look and act stupid and totally out of your character. I am worried about you, and it is beyond my comprehension how someone can choose booze over people! Mama, one time is too much! But to do it to yourself and us over and over from time to time is despicable!” Why wasn’t I hearing it before?!? I mean, I felt horrible about it and always tried my best not to let them down again and failed. Today is different somehow. Cannot put my finger on it just yet but it feels ten time worse than before. It feels like I have hit my rock bottom and the only way out of it is up 👍🏻 i can only do better hereon-out. does it make sense to you? Even my thought process is different from before; I truly want it for myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome back Kat
Every time I wanted to drink, I came here instead. Whether you do that as well, or add other things like AA or whatever as well, I don't think there's any substitute for hard sustained work, at least in the early days.
Not every day was hard, but some days I was so worn out from not drinking, I'd collapse into bed at dusk.
A good friend from the Friends and Family section here once said "my addict doesn't get to set the timetable for my trust or forgiveness."
As hard as that is to hear, its the truth, I'm not a parent, but I let my loved ones down a lot. They'd heard the 'I've quit - really' speech way too many times.
They neede to see change and real action in me to start forgiving me and trusting me again.
The good news is most of my loved ones responded to the change they saw in me.
I know it hurts to be on the outer with your son, but given him a little time.
Keep your side of the street clean and I hope his trust and forgiveness will kick into play again
D
Every time I wanted to drink, I came here instead. Whether you do that as well, or add other things like AA or whatever as well, I don't think there's any substitute for hard sustained work, at least in the early days.
Not every day was hard, but some days I was so worn out from not drinking, I'd collapse into bed at dusk.
A good friend from the Friends and Family section here once said "my addict doesn't get to set the timetable for my trust or forgiveness."
As hard as that is to hear, its the truth, I'm not a parent, but I let my loved ones down a lot. They'd heard the 'I've quit - really' speech way too many times.
They neede to see change and real action in me to start forgiving me and trusting me again.
The good news is most of my loved ones responded to the change they saw in me.
I know it hurts to be on the outer with your son, but given him a little time.
Keep your side of the street clean and I hope his trust and forgiveness will kick into play again
D
thank you for welcoming me back! So glad I made the decision today and posted on SR. Have been posting and replying for 9-10 hours straight. Find it therapeutic and healing. People on SR are so welcoming, supportive, candid, and understanding that it makes me want to be a better person.
Just wish the emotional pain, shame and regret would subside a little. Still there strong as ever 😔 But it is there to guide me so I can start working on things, right? I choose to think so in order to give it purpose of some sort in a positive way.
I am grateful that you found time to share your story and wisdom with me. Cannot bear to be alone with my thoughts right now. 🤗
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Day 2. Got through my second sleepless night. Tired and depressed because of intrusive thoughts. Keep dwelling on my past bad choices even though I know it is not healthy and won’t help my recovery.
I need serious help with putting my past in the past; looking at sources and options right now. Reading tons of interesting articles and posts hoping to get out this misery and self-destructive behavior as fast as I can. Cannot wait for emotional healing to begin; looking forward to happy thoughts, forgiveness and life-long sobriety.
Zero desire to drink. None! Regrets, on the other hand-plenty. Need a nap badly but my racing thoughts won’t let me. Tried meditation audio last night and it did not work for me.
Hope you all have a good day today filled with love, joy, kept promises and healing.
I need serious help with putting my past in the past; looking at sources and options right now. Reading tons of interesting articles and posts hoping to get out this misery and self-destructive behavior as fast as I can. Cannot wait for emotional healing to begin; looking forward to happy thoughts, forgiveness and life-long sobriety.
Zero desire to drink. None! Regrets, on the other hand-plenty. Need a nap badly but my racing thoughts won’t let me. Tried meditation audio last night and it did not work for me.
Hope you all have a good day today filled with love, joy, kept promises and healing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Hi Kat
Welcome to SR
All I can add and this is from personal experience of having tried for years to quit and stay quit.
What looks like the easy way, just don't drink and battle away with it is actually the incredibly hard way to do it.
What looks like the hard way to get sober, doing a program that involves steps and inventory etc, is actually the much easier way.
I haven't had a drink now for 5+ years and, added bonus, I don't have to battle away with it anymore, it's been banished and more added bonus, the same program not only removed the desire to drink, it also gave me a way to deal with all the shame and guilt and frustration etc.
Best thing I have ever done 😊
All the best for your sobriety journey 👍
Welcome to SR
All I can add and this is from personal experience of having tried for years to quit and stay quit.
What looks like the easy way, just don't drink and battle away with it is actually the incredibly hard way to do it.
What looks like the hard way to get sober, doing a program that involves steps and inventory etc, is actually the much easier way.
I haven't had a drink now for 5+ years and, added bonus, I don't have to battle away with it anymore, it's been banished and more added bonus, the same program not only removed the desire to drink, it also gave me a way to deal with all the shame and guilt and frustration etc.
Best thing I have ever done 😊
All the best for your sobriety journey 👍
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Derringer
Hi Kat
Welcome to SR
All I can add and this is from personal experience of having tried for years to quit and stay quit.
What looks like the easy way, just don't drink and battle away with it is actually the incredibly hard way to do it.
What looks like the hard way to get sober, doing a program that involves steps and inventory etc, is actually the much easier way.
I haven't had a drink now for 5+ years and, added bonus, I don't have to battle away with it anymore, it's been banished and more added bonus, the same program not only removed the desire to drink, it also gave me a way to deal with all the shame and guilt and frustration etc.
Best thing I have ever done 😊
All the best for your sobriety journey 👍
Welcome to SR
All I can add and this is from personal experience of having tried for years to quit and stay quit.
What looks like the easy way, just don't drink and battle away with it is actually the incredibly hard way to do it.
What looks like the hard way to get sober, doing a program that involves steps and inventory etc, is actually the much easier way.
I haven't had a drink now for 5+ years and, added bonus, I don't have to battle away with it anymore, it's been banished and more added bonus, the same program not only removed the desire to drink, it also gave me a way to deal with all the shame and guilt and frustration etc.
Best thing I have ever done 😊
All the best for your sobriety journey 👍
Congrats on 5+ years of sobriety 👍🏻
I am trying to let the past stay in the past and focus on the future. Not doing a great job at it so far but determined and ready to move forward!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
I wish you a slow recovery. There is nothing you could say to your kids or spouse, been there after a while words are just noise to them . You will have enough time to wallow in the guilt and shame. The drink has to be put down. Actions not words are what will keep you sober. Zero desire that drink today... it will come back to you we have built in forgetters in ourselves. Find a program , I use AA it works for me.
Recovery is not easy especially in the beginning I wanted to drink everyday but the craves eases and finally subsides.
Saying I’m sorry it will never happen again never worked because I’m an alcoholic.
It sounds like you will have strong support from them , but that will take time
Recovery is not easy especially in the beginning I wanted to drink everyday but the craves eases and finally subsides.
Saying I’m sorry it will never happen again never worked because I’m an alcoholic.
It sounds like you will have strong support from them , but that will take time
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Sorry to hear you relapsed. The same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago and all the pain and anxiety from blacking out was crippling, so I know how you feel with that. For some reason though, booze always overpowers me and I don't know why. I hope we figure it out this time. Good luck to you .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by anxiousrock
Sorry to hear you relapsed. The same thing happened to me a couple weeks ago and all the pain and anxiety from blacking out was crippling, so I know how you feel with that. For some reason though, booze always overpowers me and I don't know why. I hope we figure it out this time. Good luck to you .
. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Kdon853
I wish you a slow recovery. There is nothing you could say to your kids or spouse, been there after a while words are just noise to them . You will have enough time to wallow in the guilt and shame. The drink has to be put down. Actions not words are what will keep you sober. Zero desire that drink today... it will come back to you we have built in forgetters in ourselves. Find a program , I use AA it works for me.
Recovery is not easy especially in the beginning I wanted to drink everyday but the craves eases and finally subsides.
Saying I’m sorry it will never happen again never worked because I’m an alcoholic.
It sounds like you will have strong support from them , but that will take time
Recovery is not easy especially in the beginning I wanted to drink everyday but the craves eases and finally subsides.
Saying I’m sorry it will never happen again never worked because I’m an alcoholic.
It sounds like you will have strong support from them , but that will take time
best to you as well 🤗
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Kat1313
best to you as well. I am here if you ever need to talk. Let’s work on staying sober together. I am having the most difficult time forgiving myself; all the negative feelings I have towards myself feed my anxiety. I am still way too emotional to see things for what they are. Overthinking everything is what I am excellent at
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