Please please help! Relapsed.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 49,095
Sober Kat will be leaving drunk Kat in the dust...
The embarrassing memories from your blackout will fade - what you do now is what matters. Use the regret to help make you determined & strong - then let it go.
The embarrassing memories from your blackout will fade - what you do now is what matters. Use the regret to help make you determined & strong - then let it go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Day 6 ✔️
Fair warning: lengthy post 😊 but an absolute must for me as a reminder of what I am going through. Hopefully, it will inspire you and provide with hope and a different way of looking at things. For me, a change of perspective could be a life-saving tool.
Today, I am back with the best news ever: my son has forgiven me for my relapse!!! My soul is elated and my heart is filled with joy and purpose. Very emotional but happy tears this time. Anxiety is still unbearable. Shame, regret, humiliation is still there almost a week later. I think it is still that severe due to my OCD and not remembering events from Monday night. Still guessing and trying to piece them together. Very unhealthy and soul-distructive. Anyways, back to my son...
We sat down last afternoon and had a very long, heart-to-heart talk. I finally got a chance to explain my side of things and was heard. Cannot be more proud of how smart, caring, wise, understanding my son is for an 18 year old. He said to me; ‘the past 5 days me not talking to you felt like an eternity. I missed you more than you could ever know. It felt like my world had ended because you were not in it, and I could hear you cry in the next room. I so wanted to come and talk to you sooner but did not know how to start a conversation. I could see how hurt and depressed you were by my silent treatment and it was breaking my heart. I can see how hard you are trying to be the best you can be on daily basis. You do everything for us and should not be defined by your mistakes. I forgive you, mama. It was a stupid mistake and we will get past it together. Don’t you ever pick up another drink! I need you! You are my best friend! I love you!”
I will stop right here as I trust you can see how amazingly well, yet emotionally, my Saturday afternoon went. I am so blessed to have my family and all of you good people by my side. I can clearly see how much I am loved and needed; it is giving me such purpose and strength. I feel like I can do anything and staying sober does not take effort anymore. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now, truthfully. If drinking is the only thing that could stand between my happiness and having a superb relationship with my family, then I am going to eliminate it completely!!! It has no value to me! My family does!!!!!
I am not in denial about my drinking pattern; I am just finding new strategies to beat it! A new plan, a totally new mindset that came to me last night as I was analyzing my past.
My way of looking at it is as follows: some people have to give up so much more in order to make things work and make/keep their family happy and functioning as one unit. All I have to do is be myself! Sounds way easier to me when I look at it that way. Not much to ask, right? My true self is not a drinker. Once angle had changed, my plan became doable. So now, all I really have to do is not apply all my energy and thoughts towards fighting the urge to drink (which I have “negative one” at this point) but change BACK, sort of speak. Then, I can use the knowledge and past experiences to be my real self. Makes sense? Do you see what I mean?
I am trying to find an individual approach to the problem that could work for me long-term and possibly save someone else’s life and relationship in similar circumstances.
whatever works, I say 🙌🏻
giving it my all ❣️
Thank you for reading my Day 6 progress report 😊
Best to you, my friends! I will be back tomorrow (with a much shorter post) to mark my Day 7!
Fair warning: lengthy post 😊 but an absolute must for me as a reminder of what I am going through. Hopefully, it will inspire you and provide with hope and a different way of looking at things. For me, a change of perspective could be a life-saving tool.
Today, I am back with the best news ever: my son has forgiven me for my relapse!!! My soul is elated and my heart is filled with joy and purpose. Very emotional but happy tears this time. Anxiety is still unbearable. Shame, regret, humiliation is still there almost a week later. I think it is still that severe due to my OCD and not remembering events from Monday night. Still guessing and trying to piece them together. Very unhealthy and soul-distructive. Anyways, back to my son...
We sat down last afternoon and had a very long, heart-to-heart talk. I finally got a chance to explain my side of things and was heard. Cannot be more proud of how smart, caring, wise, understanding my son is for an 18 year old. He said to me; ‘the past 5 days me not talking to you felt like an eternity. I missed you more than you could ever know. It felt like my world had ended because you were not in it, and I could hear you cry in the next room. I so wanted to come and talk to you sooner but did not know how to start a conversation. I could see how hurt and depressed you were by my silent treatment and it was breaking my heart. I can see how hard you are trying to be the best you can be on daily basis. You do everything for us and should not be defined by your mistakes. I forgive you, mama. It was a stupid mistake and we will get past it together. Don’t you ever pick up another drink! I need you! You are my best friend! I love you!”
I will stop right here as I trust you can see how amazingly well, yet emotionally, my Saturday afternoon went. I am so blessed to have my family and all of you good people by my side. I can clearly see how much I am loved and needed; it is giving me such purpose and strength. I feel like I can do anything and staying sober does not take effort anymore. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now, truthfully. If drinking is the only thing that could stand between my happiness and having a superb relationship with my family, then I am going to eliminate it completely!!! It has no value to me! My family does!!!!!
I am not in denial about my drinking pattern; I am just finding new strategies to beat it! A new plan, a totally new mindset that came to me last night as I was analyzing my past.
My way of looking at it is as follows: some people have to give up so much more in order to make things work and make/keep their family happy and functioning as one unit. All I have to do is be myself! Sounds way easier to me when I look at it that way. Not much to ask, right? My true self is not a drinker. Once angle had changed, my plan became doable. So now, all I really have to do is not apply all my energy and thoughts towards fighting the urge to drink (which I have “negative one” at this point) but change BACK, sort of speak. Then, I can use the knowledge and past experiences to be my real self. Makes sense? Do you see what I mean?
I am trying to find an individual approach to the problem that could work for me long-term and possibly save someone else’s life and relationship in similar circumstances.
whatever works, I say 🙌🏻
giving it my all ❣️
Thank you for reading my Day 6 progress report 😊
Best to you, my friends! I will be back tomorrow (with a much shorter post) to mark my Day 7!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Kat1313 
Hello everyone! Here I am, again, crying for help! Failed to stay sober and feeling this is my lowest point right now. Perhaps, THIS IS my rock bottom (I sure hope so). Today is my Day 1 all over again. How frustrating! Countless Day 1 and never past Day 14. How awful and embarrassing to realize that booze wins every time. Not a daily drinker but a binge drinker consuming way too much alcohol in one sitting. The things I have done and said under the influence of this monster 😱 The pain I have caused, the disappointment .....😭
I am going out of my mind right now with guilt and shame desperately trying to piece together last night. Blackout drunk-it can’t be me anymore!!! I cannot live in a state of constant regret; I must stay away from alcohol! I must! I can! I will!
But this hurts so so bad right now; and just to think that I did it to myself hurts even more! I am my worst enemy.
Please share your journey from shame and guilt to standing with your head up high and no regrets.
Please tell me how you were able to put it all in the past and move forward without feeling like you are the worst person on earth. Will it get better? Will this feeling of anxiety and complete loneliness pass? How does one forgive herself?
Why did I take that first drink?!? What was I thinking? Nothing but pain and regrets.
And if you are struggling just like I am right at this moment, let the healing begin and know that you are not alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you for reading my post. I needed to write it on here; I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to reflect on this daily in order to stay away from drinking. Willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Cannot continue wasting my life away like that. I have so much to offer to the world; I have so much to live for-healthy and proud! I want to come back here past Day 14, and post something that I can be actually proud of and inspire others during their dark moments.
Thank you for not judging me, for accepting me here, and for your time and kindness🙏🏻
I am going out of my mind right now with guilt and shame desperately trying to piece together last night. Blackout drunk-it can’t be me anymore!!! I cannot live in a state of constant regret; I must stay away from alcohol! I must! I can! I will!
But this hurts so so bad right now; and just to think that I did it to myself hurts even more! I am my worst enemy.
Please share your journey from shame and guilt to standing with your head up high and no regrets.
Please tell me how you were able to put it all in the past and move forward without feeling like you are the worst person on earth. Will it get better? Will this feeling of anxiety and complete loneliness pass? How does one forgive herself?
Why did I take that first drink?!? What was I thinking? Nothing but pain and regrets.
And if you are struggling just like I am right at this moment, let the healing begin and know that you are not alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you for reading my post. I needed to write it on here; I need to be accountable for my actions. I need to reflect on this daily in order to stay away from drinking. Willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Cannot continue wasting my life away like that. I have so much to offer to the world; I have so much to live for-healthy and proud! I want to come back here past Day 14, and post something that I can be actually proud of and inspire others during their dark moments.
Thank you for not judging me, for accepting me here, and for your time and kindness🙏🏻
I can relate to much of your post. Here's my experience: I'd have a bad night out drinking and be filled with remorse. I truly did believe I was going to do something. That I could get it together.
One time I went so far as to call AA but I didn't go. I was around 30 years old at time time.
Unfortunately, I needed to go through another 5 years of alcohol fueled episodes before I actually became sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Until I reached this point it was always a few days of remorse and/or embarrassment followed by me drinking again.
I simply couldn't fathom a life of completely free of alcohol. I still wanted to drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10,656
I’m really happy for you Kat.
I quit in large part to save my family.
I know you can do this. Make a plan with specific strategies for tempting times, places, and circumstances. Don’t drink no matter what. Keep working on and deepening you recovery.
Do the above and you will succeed
I quit in large part to save my family.
I know you can do this. Make a plan with specific strategies for tempting times, places, and circumstances. Don’t drink no matter what. Keep working on and deepening you recovery.
Do the above and you will succeed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Thank you, everybody! I am so relieved right now and trying my hardest to make happy memory stick in case I will need it later. As a reminder of how wonderful life can be without binges, you know?
I am deeply grateful to those of you who take the time to read my heartfelt posts, reflect on them and reply. Group effort at its best
I am deeply grateful to those of you who take the time to read my heartfelt posts, reflect on them and reply. Group effort at its best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
I quit for myself, but a lot of the memories of the pain of drinking have subsided, so I stay sober for my family.
My family is my guiding principle, always.
My family is my guiding principle, always.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Day 7 ✔️
Happy to report that I am back to tell you of another sober day of many many more to come.
Still working on calming down my anxiety, but feelings of guilt and shame have subsided a tiny bit.
Taking it one day at a time, no desire to drink; the sheer thought of alcohol makes me cringe. Slowly but surely learning to forgive myself as I take each step forward
Happy to report that I am back to tell you of another sober day of many many more to come.
Still working on calming down my anxiety, but feelings of guilt and shame have subsided a tiny bit.
Taking it one day at a time, no desire to drink; the sheer thought of alcohol makes me cringe. Slowly but surely learning to forgive myself as I take each step forward
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by uncle holmes
How are you doing kat? How was your day today? How do you feel?
Thank you ever so kindly for checking on me 🤗
Day 9 ✔️ today! Double digits tomorrow. 🙌🏻
I am doing fine; really trying to work on forgiving myself and not letting my mind take me back too much to the sark place of shame and despair.
Trying to think positive and enjoying sobriety like I never have before.
Sending positive energy to those who struggle to stay sober and wishing everybody nothing but the best!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
You're doing well Kat, 9 days is huge, just keep taking each day as it comes. I know the pain of relapse and hurting my loved ones. The best apology is changed behaviour and you are working on that. A big part of my recovery is gratitude, I write on the gratitude threads practically every day and it does help me to stay accountable.
Sending you lots of love and a big gentle hug ((( ))).
Sending you lots of love and a big gentle hug ((( ))).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4,781
That's wonderful kat! I'm so happy for you! You can do this! You can beat this! Lots of people do! You just got to make sure you don't pick up that first drink! The shame and despair will lessen!
Keep us posted! Feel free to come on here anytime and let us know how you're doing and what feelings you're going through! Even if its not a crisis and it's just a regular day! Your chances of staying sober will be much greater if you stay in contact with other recovering people!
Keep us posted! Feel free to come on here anytime and let us know how you're doing and what feelings you're going through! Even if its not a crisis and it's just a regular day! Your chances of staying sober will be much greater if you stay in contact with other recovering people!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
