Dee74

Thank for the update dpac.

I think the most any of us can do right now is get through the days, good and bad and indifferent, and stay sober.

sounds like you're doing that

D

dpac414

Time for another update.

The 10th was my grandmother's memorial service, and we had a nice send off for her. Then yesterday I went to my grandparents' house and selected a few things to remember her. She left me this beautiful china set that I'm putting in storage right now for when I have a nice place and can have people over for special occasions. It was exhausting and I'm glad we were able to do it, but I feel like that was some kind of closure and now I can try and keep moving forward.

Otherwise, classes for my grad program are going to start next Thursday. To be completely honest, I'm extremely nervous. Rationally I know I'll be okay, but I'm so afraid I'm going to miss something or not know whats going on or somehow become really depressed like I was in college and just give up on everything. This is something I feel passionate about so I think I'll be okay, but I was in such an awful place when I did my undergrad that it's hard not to equate the two and expect the same experience. I'm going to be going remote for the first few weeks and then depending on what happens with covid, the university will reevaluate and adjust accordingly. I'm kind of glad about the remote classes though, not only because of safety but because I think it'll work better for me to just be able to do class from my house. So I'm anxiously awaiting the first class on Thursday, but otherwise I'm doing okay.

I did have the most insane craving yesterday though as I was driving home from my grandparents' house. I haven't had one like that in a long time, and I knew it came on because of the stress. I don't think I was genuinely in danger of drinking, but I had a lot of ****** nostalgia and longing in regards to drinking and it kind of took me by surprise. I ended up just going home and doing a full face of makeup while I made dinner, trying out a new palette I just got in the mail yesterday. Once I was done with it the craving had passed. But I had planned to call someone if that still wasn't the case. It's not my first rodeo, but it was just a reminder that we really always have to stay vigilant.

That's about it for me though. Family is okay, relationship is still going very well (it's been 6 months???? what???) and despite covid, I am okay. Hope everyone else is, too.

Briansy

Good to hear from you dpac. How long are you sober now?? I'll be 3 months next week. A new milestone for me...

dpac414

Hey Briansy. I'm a little over 1.5 years now, which is pretty wild tbh. Glad to hear you're sober too. Hoping it'll stick this time for you.

dpac414

Time for another little update from me. It's been about a year since I first created this thread and while it's not necessarily daily ramblings anymore, it's still been really helpful to get my thoughts out from time to time, as well as let y'all know that I'm still okay. Because I am still okay. Which as each day passes, is somehow more and more of an accomplishment (and miracle). I guess I just mean that in terms of my sobriety, because I never really thought I could be sober for this long or come as far as I have. It's been an incredible experience. That being said, I'm obviously still going to be posting to this thread, lol, even though I've made it seem like somehow it's done. I guess I've just been feeling extra grateful for everything lately.

Otherwise things are still going well. I started my grad school classes about two weeks ago and I think they will be manageable. It's a lot of reading and some essays and a group project here and there, but I think this semester will be fine. It's just weird because I've been gearing up for this for a whole year and now it's finally here, and it feels like I want to get everything done immediately right now, but I have to just go through the classes like everybody else. I'm so afraid of missing something or forgetting an assignment and I think that's useful but it is a little stressful. Hoping that things will even out a little more as I go.

Things are still solid in my relationship; we both work hard to be open with our feelings and communication and it seems to be working. Not like we really have any problems anyway, but I think it's partially due to consciously trying to model healthy behaviors as well as the fact that we just have a lot in common. He's a good dude. I'm hopeful it'll be a long term thing.

Otherwise, I don't have much else going on. I'm happy fall is coming - I love all the basic white girl things and the cooler weather. I'm just kinda keeping my head down and doing my thing and staying sober, and it's working for me.

Renegade2

This is interesting and scary at the same time.

You've been sober for so long and still have cravings like this?

dpac414

I've been sober for a little over a year and a half, and I would say that the cravings lessened considerably after the first 3-6 months. After that, it was more fleeting thoughts, and after that, not much thought about alcohol at all. There have been a few times during my sobriety where I've had an extremely stressful event that has triggered my "fight or drink" response. Drinking was the way I coped with everything for a long time, so it makes sense that when under a lot of stress, my brain will still try to protect me by telling me to drink and numb myself. The important thing is that I have done a lot of personal development, AA, and therapy over my sober time and feel confident in my sobriety plan and my ability to recognize these things when they happen and manage them accordingly. I guess my confidence comes from knowing that my safety net is solid, and should that fail for whatever reason, I have a couple spares up my sleeve.

The craving played out as an abrupt, intrusive thought that "I could go to the liquor store right now and drink, and no one would know. I miss drinking and getting drunk; I want to be able to have fun like that again [and get drunk alone in my apartment]" - that bracketed bit is always conveniently left out. Because I have sober time and have managed to work through these cravings before, I knew how to handle it and didn't think that I would actually do it. It just startled me. Because the truth is, my life is infinitely better sober, and there is not a single reason I should ever drink again.

I think everyone is different when it comes to ongoing sobriety and cravings, etc so my experience is not necessarily the "norm" or the same as others. Some people are lucky enough to never think about alcohol again, some have cravings every day. The important part is that you have a plan and know what to do to move through them, should they ever happen. You don't have to be afraid of them; they have no power over you. You just need to be prepared.

I hope this post made sense; I'm writing it well past midnight in my timezone so it's possible I'm just rambling on.

SnazzyDresser

Very well put, dpac.

dpac414

Thanks Snazzy.

Another quick update. School is moving right along, as is my relationship. The latter is amazing; I never thought I would be able to have a relationship like the one I have. Granted, I'm sure I'm still in the honeymoon phase, but it really feels like we have set up a solid foundation for a long term thing. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I feel.....secure for the first time in a relationship. It's really good.

School is also good. I have a paper due next week that I've been working on (first for me, tbh because I'd always start a day or two before and do a terrible job) and also a presentation on the 6th that the outline is already done for and I've been talking a lot with my group. I accidentally missed a quiz which kind of set me spiraling for a minute but I managed to get over it and know that it isn't a bad omen and that I'm not going to automatically fail. My therapist was helpful and it was actually kind of funny, because she was just like "okay so you missed it. what will you do differently next time?" and I just kinda stopped and was like, duh, obviously this is the way to handle this. Especially when I ask that of people all the time here.

Otherwise those are the two main things happening to me right now. Nothing crazy, kinda quiet, which I like. Holidays are coming up and while they'll be different this year because of covid, I'm still grateful; this is my favorite time of year. I wore a sweater today for the first time and it feels great.

dpac414

Man I haven't thought about this thread for awhile, but I wanted to still continue updating it for my own sake. It's nice to be able to look back and see what I've been through or how I've coped with something in the past if things start getting rough. Things are still going as well as they can be considering the sociopolitical climate in the US right now. My anxiety is off the chains buck wild due to everything that's been happening, but I've been dealing with it the best I can. I've been practicing gratitude, focusing on one day at a time, attending virtual AA meetings when I need to, exercising to get rid of some stress, and just generally doing my best. I am still very grateful to have a job and that I am still receiving steady pay. Sometimes though, things just seemed so absolutely ****** and I'm so tired and burnt out from it all. It's just a lot.

My boyfriend is also buying a house and he should be moved in by the end of next month, so that's another thing to add to the list but a very good thing. I'm excited for him. I don't plan to live with him any time soon really, but I'm not the biggest fan of the place he's at now and the house is really cute. So maybe someday. I like my space for the time being.

I really don't have much else to say except that I'm still moving right along. I've been lucky through all this, and very privileged. I don't take that for granted.

SnazzyDresser

SR is both privileged and honored to have people like you around, dpac.

Obladi

Good to see you, sis.
It's always good to hear from those who made it out and are simply living life.

dpac414

Y'all are too nice to me, honestly. Always good to see you too, O. I've been creeping on your threads and it's good to see you living life as well.

Just as a quick update on what's been going on....My boyfriend closed on his house and we've been in the process of fixing it up. Paint needs to go up in the living room and dining room, wallpaper needs to come down, carpet needs to be removed (it's like the pukey-ist green and I don't know why anyone would ever want that???) and the basement needs some fresh paint and carpeting as well. It's slow going but when it's done I think it's gonna look really good. It really is a cute little house. I don't know if I mentioned the sun porch, but there's a sun porch and I have some plans for it. (I love a good sun porch).

On the covid front, I had to tell my mom that I couldn't come over for Thanksgiving and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go for Christmas either. My state hasn't imposed any new restrictions yet, but even if they don't I think I'm just gonna stay home this year. It's sad, but the right thing to do.

I'm also 2 assignments away from finishing my first semester of grad school!! I have a final exam and a final paper. I remember I was so scared to go to grad school because my undergrad experience was a super dark time for me due to heavy depression/anxiety and the beginning of alcoholism. My experience now, with almost 2 years of sobriety under my belt and doing the work needed to manage my mental health, has been phenomenal. I am so much more capable than I ever thought possible. I still have 3.5 years left in the program but I feel more sure than ever that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Otherwise still good, still fine, still trying to move forward as best I can.

dpac414

Man I haven't posted on this thread in a long while, but I was reading here tonight and something compelled me to update this thread. I still read here almost every day and will post to people every so often but I mainly just read to see how people are doing. Also, I guess I just don't have much to report on other than my daily life.

My life is good. Genuinely. I'm 2.5 years sober in a great relationship, working towards my goals, and consistently trying to be a better person. I'm quitting my job this coming Friday and starting a new one that's closer to my career goals after a nice vacation with my family. Who am I, lol. I never thought this profound sense of contentment and normalcy could be mine. But here we are.

Not to say there hasn't been challenges, but I've been able to meet all of them from a really good place. I will say that vigilance is key, always. There was a time after I hit the two year mark where concerning thoughts about drinking again started happening with more frequency than I wanted. Coming here and reading consistently helps - both new threads and my old ones to remember what it was like. I never want to go back to that life and no sip of alcohol is worth the risk. Sobriety is worth everything, honestly. It does get as good as everyone says

Anyway, I just wanted to update because I was thinking about it and wanted to check in.

Patcha

How lovely to read this thread! It's very inspiring and helpful to hear!

fishkiller

2.5 years is awesome!
Always good to hear from those making it.
Thanks

Obladi

Wow, you sound really good, dpac!
Thanks for popping by to let us know.