Daily Ramblings, Check Ins, and Maybe Other Stuff
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Thanks for checking in Dpac - glad to hear you are doing well and especially that you could be there to get your mom to the hospital. Also very glad to hear that you are keeping that stuff external to your recovery and staying strong, that's huge. And an early congrats on your upcoming year of sobriety - I hope you don't wait until then for another update ;-)
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
Good going, dpac.
Led Zeppelin advises us all the ramble on, after all!
Anyway, I bought new coffee beans today - chocolate cinnamon swirl flavor. So I'm going to go make a cup of that and settle in to the work day.
Things are good. Strong coffee is a gift straight from God. I'm hearing good things about chocolate as well.
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
I hope you don't wait until then for another update ;-)
Originally Posted by dpac414
Anyway, I bought new coffee beans today - chocolate cinnamon swirl flavor. So I'm going to go make a cup of that and settle in to the work day.
Things are good.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Went to my first work party last night since getting sober. Used to get lit on the open bar but didn't do that this year. It was kinda sad (in a bad way) because everyone was telling me "oh just drink more!" or "go get a drink!" and I had to say I don't drink anymore. It wasn't like I was ashamed of it, but it was kind of embarrassing that everyone assumed I was just gonna get hammered. But they wouldn't have been wrong. Ugh.
Anyway, it was fine. I mingled and ate my steak and cheesecake and then once the raffle was over, people literally started ordering shots and I had to get out of there. I started to feel that jealousy and longing to have "fun" with everyone else. So I said bye to everyone and left. Once outside in the cold air, it took a while for the craving to go away but I'm feeling a bit better about it today.
I know I can't drink, and for the most part I *have* accepted it. Just sometimes stuff like that is triggering. it was more so than I thought it'd be and I underestimated it, for sure. But I handled it and stayed sober.
Back to my old routine and it feels a lot better and more comfortable. Just reinforces the fact that you can't do things til you're really solid in your sobriety. And I feel solid in it, for sure. But it's so so so easy to slip up.
Anyways, just wanted to share that experience cuz it rattled me a little. I'm fine though, still moving along and ready for the holidays to be over, lmao.
Anyway, it was fine. I mingled and ate my steak and cheesecake and then once the raffle was over, people literally started ordering shots and I had to get out of there. I started to feel that jealousy and longing to have "fun" with everyone else. So I said bye to everyone and left. Once outside in the cold air, it took a while for the craving to go away but I'm feeling a bit better about it today.
I know I can't drink, and for the most part I *have* accepted it. Just sometimes stuff like that is triggering. it was more so than I thought it'd be and I underestimated it, for sure. But I handled it and stayed sober.
Back to my old routine and it feels a lot better and more comfortable. Just reinforces the fact that you can't do things til you're really solid in your sobriety. And I feel solid in it, for sure. But it's so so so easy to slip up.
Anyways, just wanted to share that experience cuz it rattled me a little. I'm fine though, still moving along and ready for the holidays to be over, lmao.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Here we are again.
Everything still going fine. These holidays have been kind of hard in terms of the AV and temptation but I just keep thinking that this is my last "first thing sober" as I get closer and closer to that year mark. Feels good, kind of like the whole slate is wiped clean. I won't have "this time last year I was drunk" moments anymore. When memories pop up on social media I won't have to remember that I was drunk there, or hungover. Good stuff.
The only other thing that's bothering me this christmas is the good ol' eating disorder. Dunno if I ever mentioned this in too much depth, but I'm also in recovery from bulimia (what *isn't* wrong with me, lmao) and being fully sober and present has made the fear of weight gain and need to purge after all these ******* dinners I have to go to really strong. I'm already fat, like that is what it is, but I still have that ingrained fatphobia that I'll get fatter if I eat what I want.
It's worse this year because I've had to celebrate christmas multiple times with my various family members, and tonight is the last thing. My dad's italian seven fish dinner. I'm having a lot of anxiety about it and am afraid of what I'll be eating, how much, and if I could get away with making myself throw up at some point during the evening. Being drunk always made it easier to make myself puke but I could definitely still do it sober. So you take away my number one bad coping mechanisms and I have to deal with everything.
I'm not afraid I might drink. I'm afraid of all the ******* food. Yikes.
Any advice is appreciated but not necessary. "Don't go" is an option, sure, but it's not this time. There is too much ******** and too much riding on this stupid ass dinner that I have to go or my dad will never leave me alone for the rest of 2020.
Everything still going fine. These holidays have been kind of hard in terms of the AV and temptation but I just keep thinking that this is my last "first thing sober" as I get closer and closer to that year mark. Feels good, kind of like the whole slate is wiped clean. I won't have "this time last year I was drunk" moments anymore. When memories pop up on social media I won't have to remember that I was drunk there, or hungover. Good stuff.
The only other thing that's bothering me this christmas is the good ol' eating disorder. Dunno if I ever mentioned this in too much depth, but I'm also in recovery from bulimia (what *isn't* wrong with me, lmao) and being fully sober and present has made the fear of weight gain and need to purge after all these ******* dinners I have to go to really strong. I'm already fat, like that is what it is, but I still have that ingrained fatphobia that I'll get fatter if I eat what I want.
It's worse this year because I've had to celebrate christmas multiple times with my various family members, and tonight is the last thing. My dad's italian seven fish dinner. I'm having a lot of anxiety about it and am afraid of what I'll be eating, how much, and if I could get away with making myself throw up at some point during the evening. Being drunk always made it easier to make myself puke but I could definitely still do it sober. So you take away my number one bad coping mechanisms and I have to deal with everything.
I'm not afraid I might drink. I'm afraid of all the ******* food. Yikes.
Any advice is appreciated but not necessary. "Don't go" is an option, sure, but it's not this time. There is too much ******** and too much riding on this stupid ass dinner that I have to go or my dad will never leave me alone for the rest of 2020.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey dpac, sorry I've been absent for a minute.
Been dealing with a bit of a meltdown in O-Land, but I'm happy to report it's all good, so I can run next door and sit next to you.
Hope your mom is on the mend. It was really good to hear that you handled the whole episode sober and with gratitude that you were able to hold everything together just like a grown-up. It's astounding the things we can handle, huh? So glad to read about Manfred. You know I had his number from the get-go. Not saying I told you so or anything as obnoxious as that.
I'm glad you got the validation you needed. It's good to put the nail in the coffin, eh?
Most importantly at the moment, how are you today? That dinner at dad's sounds like a really huge hurdle and now I'm very concerned for you and sorry that I missed your post yesterday.
O
Been dealing with a bit of a meltdown in O-Land, but I'm happy to report it's all good, so I can run next door and sit next to you.
Hope your mom is on the mend. It was really good to hear that you handled the whole episode sober and with gratitude that you were able to hold everything together just like a grown-up. It's astounding the things we can handle, huh? So glad to read about Manfred. You know I had his number from the get-go. Not saying I told you so or anything as obnoxious as that.
I'm glad you got the validation you needed. It's good to put the nail in the coffin, eh? Most importantly at the moment, how are you today? That dinner at dad's sounds like a really huge hurdle and now I'm very concerned for you and sorry that I missed your post yesterday.
O
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Hey guys, thanks for the reply.
I'm okay. I made it through everything and then had four days just for myself, where I hung around in pajamas and played video games and chilled with my cats. That was nice. I didn't relapse with anything (alcohol, ED) but I didn't really enjoy anything. To be honest, I feel like that was the best case scenario and I'm grateful for it.
I'm three days away from a whole goddam year sober and that in of itself is WILD. The holidays are over, I did it. I'm back at work and while I didn't really want to go back, the familiarity of the routine is nice.
O, thanks for your kind words, and I hope things are going well for you too. I admit I don't really check too many other threads nowadays, which feels kind of selfish. You can say "I told you so" on Manfred if you want, I don't mind. In the end, perhaps it was stupid to take that chance but I think as with everything, it comes down to how you handle it. And I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, you were right. :P
Briansy, I hope you're doing all right as well. I kinda wish you had a thread like this that you posted to from time to time to let us know how you're doing. Makes it easier for me, anyway.
Everything is all right. I kept to myself for the last days of my vacation and that felt good. Life moves on.
I'm okay. I made it through everything and then had four days just for myself, where I hung around in pajamas and played video games and chilled with my cats. That was nice. I didn't relapse with anything (alcohol, ED) but I didn't really enjoy anything. To be honest, I feel like that was the best case scenario and I'm grateful for it.
I'm three days away from a whole goddam year sober and that in of itself is WILD. The holidays are over, I did it. I'm back at work and while I didn't really want to go back, the familiarity of the routine is nice.
O, thanks for your kind words, and I hope things are going well for you too. I admit I don't really check too many other threads nowadays, which feels kind of selfish. You can say "I told you so" on Manfred if you want, I don't mind. In the end, perhaps it was stupid to take that chance but I think as with everything, it comes down to how you handle it. And I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, you were right. :P
Briansy, I hope you're doing all right as well. I kinda wish you had a thread like this that you posted to from time to time to let us know how you're doing. Makes it easier for me, anyway.
Everything is all right. I kept to myself for the last days of my vacation and that felt good. Life moves on.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I believe I was very careful NOT to tell you so.
Anyhow, you were very smart about the whole thing. Years smarter than I ever was.
I'm glad best case scenario came to pass and that there was no relapse. That's a win all around.
O
Anyhow, you were very smart about the whole thing. Years smarter than I ever was.
I'm glad best case scenario came to pass and that there was no relapse. That's a win all around.
O
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Originally Posted by dpac414
Hey guys, thanks for the reply.
I'm okay. I made it through everything and then had four days just for myself, where I hung around in pajamas and played video games and chilled with my cats. That was nice. I didn't relapse with anything (alcohol, ED) but I didn't really enjoy anything. To be honest, I feel like that was the best case scenario and I'm grateful for it.
I'm three days away from a whole goddam year sober and that in of itself is WILD. The holidays are over, I did it. I'm back at work and while I didn't really want to go back, the familiarity of the routine is nice.
O, thanks for your kind words, and I hope things are going well for you too. I admit I don't really check too many other threads nowadays, which feels kind of selfish. You can say "I told you so" on Manfred if you want, I don't mind. In the end, perhaps it was stupid to take that chance but I think as with everything, it comes down to how you handle it. And I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, you were right. :P
Briansy, I hope you're doing all right as well. I kinda wish you had a thread like this that you posted to from time to time to let us know how you're doing. Makes it easier for me, anyway.
Everything is all right. I kept to myself for the last days of my vacation and that felt good. Life moves on.
I'm okay. I made it through everything and then had four days just for myself, where I hung around in pajamas and played video games and chilled with my cats. That was nice. I didn't relapse with anything (alcohol, ED) but I didn't really enjoy anything. To be honest, I feel like that was the best case scenario and I'm grateful for it.
I'm three days away from a whole goddam year sober and that in of itself is WILD. The holidays are over, I did it. I'm back at work and while I didn't really want to go back, the familiarity of the routine is nice.
O, thanks for your kind words, and I hope things are going well for you too. I admit I don't really check too many other threads nowadays, which feels kind of selfish. You can say "I told you so" on Manfred if you want, I don't mind. In the end, perhaps it was stupid to take that chance but I think as with everything, it comes down to how you handle it. And I think I did a pretty good job. But yeah, you were right. :P
Briansy, I hope you're doing all right as well. I kinda wish you had a thread like this that you posted to from time to time to let us know how you're doing. Makes it easier for me, anyway.
Everything is all right. I kept to myself for the last days of my vacation and that felt good. Life moves on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Me again. Time for another little update.
I can safely say that life is good right now. Holidays are over and I've recovered, going back to my daily routine and feeling positive. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I got a new cat over the holidays, a little black kitty who I named Bellini. My other cat's name is Mimosa, so of course I had to keep with the theme. An ironic theme, but a cute one I think. I mainly end up calling her Beanie. She's very social and cute and her and Mim are getting along very well. So that worked out.
Also been back on my workout grind, adding spinning into my weekly workouts along with the boxing and other strength training I do during the week. So that way I have two (semi) mandatory forms of cardio (boxing and spin). I hate cardio, so the only way I'm gonna do it is if I do something fun with it. But it's been good. I feel strong and sturdy, even if I haven't lost any weight (which my grandfather so kindly pointed out, lmao). That's not what it's about anyway. Peace of mind, reduced stress, and better sleep is where it's at.
I also finally submitted my application for the masters program I want to attend this fall. I should hear back within the next few weeks so keep your fingers crossed for me.
And last but not least, I have another date coming up, hah. I know it seems quick since the whole Manfred situation (does it tho? cuz that was over 3 months ago at this point), but in a lot of ways this is to get my feet back under me. Dunno if that makes sense. I don't have any expectations, just going to have a nice dinner and some non alcoholic beverages. This dude doesn't drink either, so at least it won't be weird.
I think I hit all the main points of my life right now, haha. I have a psych appointment today and since everything is going well I won't have to adjust my medication at all. I still get thoughts of drinking every so often, but I'm good at recognizing and dealing with them now. I am still 100% focused on recovery, because without that I have none of what I talked about above. Just that it's getting easier and I think it will continue to do so.
I think the biggest thing with addiction is returning to "real life" after you've been working hard on your recovery in a controlled environment. Whether that environment is rehab or a strict routine, it doesn't matter. Once you start adding things back in (or in at all if you've never really done social things) the triggers start. I have a very busy and active life, and while I isolated while drinking, it was still pretty busy with obligations. Friends, family, work, volunteering, being places where there's alcohol, where others are drinking in front of you or not. I think we underestimate how easy it is to mess up once we've gotten used to our strict sobriety schedule. Isolation is comfortable, it's easy, and sometimes I think it might be easier to stay sober if you really don't have much going on. But I guess the point of sobriety is living a full life, unhindered by any sort of substance. And to do that, we need to prepare ourselves and step out into the world sometimes. I'm proud of how far I've come.
I can safely say that life is good right now. Holidays are over and I've recovered, going back to my daily routine and feeling positive. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I got a new cat over the holidays, a little black kitty who I named Bellini. My other cat's name is Mimosa, so of course I had to keep with the theme. An ironic theme, but a cute one I think. I mainly end up calling her Beanie. She's very social and cute and her and Mim are getting along very well. So that worked out.
Also been back on my workout grind, adding spinning into my weekly workouts along with the boxing and other strength training I do during the week. So that way I have two (semi) mandatory forms of cardio (boxing and spin). I hate cardio, so the only way I'm gonna do it is if I do something fun with it. But it's been good. I feel strong and sturdy, even if I haven't lost any weight (which my grandfather so kindly pointed out, lmao). That's not what it's about anyway. Peace of mind, reduced stress, and better sleep is where it's at.
I also finally submitted my application for the masters program I want to attend this fall. I should hear back within the next few weeks so keep your fingers crossed for me.
And last but not least, I have another date coming up, hah. I know it seems quick since the whole Manfred situation (does it tho? cuz that was over 3 months ago at this point), but in a lot of ways this is to get my feet back under me. Dunno if that makes sense. I don't have any expectations, just going to have a nice dinner and some non alcoholic beverages. This dude doesn't drink either, so at least it won't be weird.
I think I hit all the main points of my life right now, haha. I have a psych appointment today and since everything is going well I won't have to adjust my medication at all. I still get thoughts of drinking every so often, but I'm good at recognizing and dealing with them now. I am still 100% focused on recovery, because without that I have none of what I talked about above. Just that it's getting easier and I think it will continue to do so.
I think the biggest thing with addiction is returning to "real life" after you've been working hard on your recovery in a controlled environment. Whether that environment is rehab or a strict routine, it doesn't matter. Once you start adding things back in (or in at all if you've never really done social things) the triggers start. I have a very busy and active life, and while I isolated while drinking, it was still pretty busy with obligations. Friends, family, work, volunteering, being places where there's alcohol, where others are drinking in front of you or not. I think we underestimate how easy it is to mess up once we've gotten used to our strict sobriety schedule. Isolation is comfortable, it's easy, and sometimes I think it might be easier to stay sober if you really don't have much going on. But I guess the point of sobriety is living a full life, unhindered by any sort of substance. And to do that, we need to prepare ourselves and step out into the world sometimes. I'm proud of how far I've come.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm proud of you too, dpac. Hope that doesn't sound weird, since we only just met recently.
I have one cat with a vodka name and wanted to name the other one adopted at the same time similarly but I was over-ruled. Sheesh, people give you kittens then don't even let you name them both!
Since I always vote on your man issues (not), let me just say that I don't think that 3 months after Manfred is too soon by any means. Three days would've been perfectly acceptable to me. I trust you will let us know how your sober date goes.
What's the master's program again?
O
I have one cat with a vodka name and wanted to name the other one adopted at the same time similarly but I was over-ruled. Sheesh, people give you kittens then don't even let you name them both!
Since I always vote on your man issues (not), let me just say that I don't think that 3 months after Manfred is too soon by any means. Three days would've been perfectly acceptable to me.
I trust you will let us know how your sober date goes.What's the master's program again?
O
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,384
Good going, dpac! Very insightful ideas about isolation and integrating sobriety back into social life as well. We gotta get out there and mix it up. Us humans are social animals after all.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Hey, thanks for all the responses, guys.
I dunno how insightful I am or if I just like reading myself talk (hah). I have found though, that in sobriety I am much more content with being alone than I was before, so my more natural state is to enjoy my own company. So that makes it a little easier anyway. And I don't have to feel like I need to escape myself.
But! The master's program is in social work! I truly believe that is what I want to do - help people. So hopefully I get in!
I always appreciate your thoughts, O. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and respond. And yes, I will for sure update all of you about my date, because I assume y'all are on the edge of your seats. :P
I dunno how insightful I am or if I just like reading myself talk (hah). I have found though, that in sobriety I am much more content with being alone than I was before, so my more natural state is to enjoy my own company. So that makes it a little easier anyway. And I don't have to feel like I need to escape myself.
But! The master's program is in social work! I truly believe that is what I want to do - help people. So hopefully I get in!
I always appreciate your thoughts, O. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and respond. And yes, I will for sure update all of you about my date, because I assume y'all are on the edge of your seats. :P
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I am indeed on the edge of my seat. I've been sitting on it all day and it's not very comfortable. I should probably go buy myself a better chair for my home office.
Social work! One of my favorite people is the world is an LCSW - that'd be my therapist.
I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. One would (well I, for one would) think with your background, you'd be a shoo-in!
Social work! One of my favorite people is the world is an LCSW - that'd be my therapist.
I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. One would (well I, for one would) think with your background, you'd be a shoo-in!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Back again, quick lil update.
No date yet - but I'm pretty sure we're going out on Friday. We just need to finalize the plans. Looking forward to it, as its always interesting to meet someone new.
Also still waiting on the app results. Hopefully soon!
No date yet - but I'm pretty sure we're going out on Friday. We just need to finalize the plans. Looking forward to it, as its always interesting to meet someone new.
Also still waiting on the app results. Hopefully soon!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Thanks Tatsy! Hope you’re doing well too.
Date went fine, I think. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazing. It just was. He was cute and nice and I made him laugh a lot so maybe he’ll text me for a second date. I think I’m fine either way tbh.
It was nice to go out and have some dinner with someone and just chat, no pressure. I was nervous for the drive there, but after I got there I was fine. I’ve done this enough times to where I know the world will keep turning if I don’t have a good time.
I used to slam a few drinks before going out, for my nerves or whatever, but that always made things worse. Made me stupid and prone to bad decisions. Plus honestly?? I’ve kind of started to value really being able to feel things and be present in myself. It also just proves to me that I can do things sober. Anything I want.
So. There’s my update. No word from the grad school yet, but that’s not a rejection either. :p I’m having a chill morning with my cats and might exercise later before doing some laundry and playing video games. Have a nice weekend everyone.
Date went fine, I think. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazing. It just was. He was cute and nice and I made him laugh a lot so maybe he’ll text me for a second date. I think I’m fine either way tbh.
It was nice to go out and have some dinner with someone and just chat, no pressure. I was nervous for the drive there, but after I got there I was fine. I’ve done this enough times to where I know the world will keep turning if I don’t have a good time.
I used to slam a few drinks before going out, for my nerves or whatever, but that always made things worse. Made me stupid and prone to bad decisions. Plus honestly?? I’ve kind of started to value really being able to feel things and be present in myself. It also just proves to me that I can do things sober. Anything I want.
So. There’s my update. No word from the grad school yet, but that’s not a rejection either. :p I’m having a chill morning with my cats and might exercise later before doing some laundry and playing video games. Have a nice weekend everyone.
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