dpac414

This weekend has been unfairly hot, and I'm kind of mad about it, haha. I would really like fall to come.

O, I work in the cash office at the zoo. So I manage all cash operations outside of food and gift (that's an outside company). The main area I manage is the front gates, but we also handle the tram, zipline, any animal photos that have cash involved, etc. Basically if there's cash involved and it's not food or gift, we are in charge. This is my fifth year at the zoo, but my first summer up in the cash office. I started as a cashier and then climbed that ol' corporate ladder.

Today though, the other guy who is supposed to close the cash office today called off, so it's just me, all day. Woo.

The free admission is nice, but I don't have too much time to actually go into the zoo. I mostly get my kicks out of letting my friends and family in for free. The money thing is also funny, because I'm similar but with all sorts of things. Drinking was one of them. I probably spent around 80 bucks a week on drinking but wont' buy 40 dollar new flats for work. Or I can spend 52 bucks on an eyeshadow palette I definitely don't need, but can't on something with my friends. Priorities, I guess.

Other than that things are still relatively fine. I had a weird dream about Manfred yesterday and I feel like it kinda pushed me closer to just calling it quits than not. Weird. I have to remember that I'm independent, I'm fine being alone, and I can keep moving forward no matter what happens. So the situation doesn't seem as dire anymore, I guess. It felt like this was Some Really Big Thing that I needed to make work for me, but it's really not. Life moves on. Time's arrow marches forward. However you wanna say it.

And surprisingly enough, I didn't have any urge to drink at the yacht club. And I really only noticed that now. My thoughts of drinking nowadays tend to be more stress induced - like, I have a stressful day or am so exhausted and have the thought to just buy a box of wine and get blasted on my couch. But I always make sure to eat and/or exercise when I get that and that usually does it. It's interesting....whenever I have strong urges to drink, they feel very very far in the back of my mind. Like, they'd have to really push to get me to do anything about it and I just kinda acknowledge them and move on. Going to the store, buying alcohol, going home, opening it, and then putting it in my mouth would create such dissonance I don't know if I could actually do it. Always remaining vigilant, though. Always.

So, long day today. But afterwards I think I'll go do my workout and then shower and lay on the couch. Maybe a face mask is in order. I dunno yet. The four hours I have after work before I go to bed are my oyster. :P

dpac414

It's Tuesday, I guess. Weird because sometimes when I'm working so much my days get a little mixed up. It felt like Tuesday all yesterday, and then on Sunday when I woke up for the zoo I was convinced for about a minute that I needed to go into my week job. But one day down, three to go. I have plans to sleep as much as I want and then take my car to get my oil changed and then fix my tire pressure. So, it'll be productive but also relaxing.

I'm also going to a live show of one of my favorite podcasts with a friend Friday night, and I am so so excited. I bought the tickets in April for myself as a birthday present and have been looking forward to it since then. Should be a good time.

As an update to the Manfred situation....I am distancing myself considerably. There is too much going on and things just don't add up the way I think they should. For the life of me I cannot imagine continuing to live in someone's house after we have a signed ******* agreement that our relationship is over. And I can't imagine letting someone live in my house that I bought with my money and pay the mortgage on when we have a signed ******* agreement that our relationship is over. It just doesn't make sense. Makes me think that maybe he still isn't telling me the whole truth and that in turn makes me feel insecure which is just no good overall. So I'm close to calling it quits, guys. Huge bummer because everything really did seem good. I suppose a well adjusted, emotionally available, stable man really is the ultimate cryptid. Have I made that joke before? Because it's a good one. I caught a blurry picture of one once, but it turned out his ex wife was still living in his house. So that one was proven fake.

It just really sucks, because we had built up this trust and I had told him Things about me and turns out he was lying about something really ******* important. And now there's just another person out there, who knows these Things. I'm not devastated or anything and I'm processing it all as I should be, but it still really sucks. I have been on countless dates with countless ****** men and they all turned out to suck, and then I thought, had a glimmer of hope, that maybe just MAYBE I had finally found a good one. But if he can't kick this person out of his house and clean everything up to then start a new relationship then I don't know what kind of skills he has in the long run. I literally asked him yesterday if there were any updates and he said "I haven't seen her in a few days but she should be around tonight. That's definitely a conversation we need to have." So is he saying that he hasn't even brought it up yet??? It's beyond frustrating and I don't have time for it.

Otherwise, life is life. Got boxing again tonight although I think we are trying to find another time other than Tuesday, as we really don't like the instructor who does that class. Looking forward to it though.

Sorry I keep complaining about this stupid man, but it feels good to get it out. If anyone has read this far, thanks :P

I'm really okay, just disappointed. This dumb man isn't important enough to throw my sobriety away, so don't worry about me. (nothing is important enough to do that, but just sorta being dramatic, y'know).

dpac414

Told Manfred to get his stuff together and give me a call if/when things are sorted out. Then I just went to bed.

It was hard, but I did it. Not devastated, none of that. Just kinda disappointed that another thing didn't work out. But onwards and upwards as they say. Things move on whether I like it or not and it's in my best interest to get on the bus.

One day left of work today and then tomorrow is off. Gonna sleep a lot I think and do some car maintenance.

Briansy

Sounds like a positive step, Dpac. Sorry it didn't work out. I'm really impressed by your maturity levels for your age!

biminiblue

Do you feel a little relief as well as disappointment? I know I would. It's stressful to be "on hold" and that's where you two were. Now there is a clear decision and that would give me peace.

I agree with you, "Finish up your last mess." Unfortunately a lot of people want to have someone new in the wings while they keep a toe in the first pool.

dpac414

Thanks, Briansy.

That's sobriety, I guess. If I were drinking I would not have handled this with such measured consideration.

Hope you're doing okay.

Edit to Bim: Yeah, I do feel relief. I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was also starting to feel really insecure, and that's not how I am in a relationship nor how anyone should be. And I need to push for more for myself, not set the bar so low you can't even see it anymore.

Briansy

Unfortunately not. Got hit out of the blue with a huge craving yesterday and I drank all day. Back to day 1. Feeling very discouraged but I remain committed.

Obladi

dpac, I'm sorry that you went through this. I know it stinks that you put yourself out there only to be disappointed that your trust wasn't deserved. Even though you know it's ultimately the right move for you, it doesn't make cutting those ties any more pleasant. Enjoy your day off and make sure to do something extra nice for yourself!

Briansy, I'm sorry you lost the thread, but glad you've picked it up again.

O

dpac414

It's all right, everyone. Thanks for all of your support and advice. I know this was the right thing to do. At least I didn't get too involved before this all came to light! Focus on the positive.

I slept til almost noon today and that was wild. I don't think I've slept that late since high school. But I'm feeling good. I'm gonna do a quick workout and then get moving to take my car to get my oil changed. Then I'm going to see a live show of my favorite podcast this evening which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned but I'm just really excited.

It's also really beautiful out today and not too hot, so a great day to have off!

Briansy, I hope you manage to make sobriety stick for good for you. You deserve it.

Obladi

Is it The Moth Radio Hour???

dpac414

dpac414

All right time for a lil update. Things are still moving right along.

I sent my personal statement to my sister to look at for my MSW application and we both agreed it needs work. It's really kind of scary to work on this, as it makes the idea of me actually going to grad school very real. I had a bit of a panic where I was afraid that I'm not smart enough or capable enough or things will go back to the way they were in undergrad if I'm put in an academic environment again. If I get accepted, it is still a year away. I have plenty of time to prepare myself, and I know that I am a much better person than I was when I went to undergrad.

Other than that, my day off was amazing - I did a ton of stuff with my car and the show I went to was spectacular. I laughed the whole time and my face hurt from smiling. A great, wholesome experience. It was interesting though, because they were drinking on stage as they did their thing, and one of them was drinking white wine, my old drink of choice. It triggered something really strong in me and I had a moment of fear that I was going to leave the show and still want to drink. It was some gross fantasy of a chilled glass of white wine that really got me. But I'll have to drink a whole ******* 1.5 liters before I'm satisfied (passed out) so it would never end well. It was just strange that it wasn't even close to me and I still felt this extremely intense urge. I still had a great time and went home afterwards and tried to unwind a little before bed, and the craving hasn't come back since. Just startled me. We really must be ever vigilant.

That whole situation made me think that I probably should heavily consider skipping my holiday work parties this year. There's one just for our group that my boss holds at his country club, and one for the firm at a fancy restaurant and they always fall on Friday and Saturday of the same weekend. I might just lie and say I'll be out of town and take that Friday off. I'm too worried about what might happen. They're always total drink fests because my boss pays for everything and then there's always an open bar at the restaurant. Kinda sucks but I guess I have to do it. I'll be close to a year by that point and there's nothing getting in the way of that.

The rest of the weekend was the same as always. Zoo and more zoo. Watched a movie Saturday night and bought ice cream sandwiches, which I feel are an underrated form of ice cream. Gotta switch it up sometimes

I've also been making some decent fitness gains. Nothing weight related, can't worry about that, but in terms of my strength and abilities - things are working out. My high plank is up to 1:15 and I'm using 15lbs in the workouts for arms and around 25lbs for legs. I was also thinking of maybe going back to spinning but haven't done it yet. Boxing is enough right now. Slowly but surely.

Work this week is the same. Still doing my best.

SnazzyDresser

They really are. I also used to like that one between the actual cookies, the Chipwich, back when they were new.

Good job thinking thru that initial urge to drink wine, also the preemptive strike to avoid the drinking parties. You're doing great.

dpac414

All right, time for another little update.

Still doing well, still living life, still doing my best. It's weird, because I still am having a pretty significant influx of drinking thoughts. I think I'm far enough out that I am forgetting what it was like. That, coupled with stress and exhaustion are enough to have those thoughts creep in. I'm wondering now if this is one of those "I've relapsed before I've relapsed" kind of things. But I'm aware of the thoughts and have no secret plan to drink, no upcoming events where I could, or no "**** it" moments. Yet. I've been dealing with it by coming here to read and post, exercise, talking to my therapist and my mother, and just working through the emotions. I dunno if that's enough, but I sure am trying.

I won't say I'm *not* worried about it but I'm also not like.....totally freaked out. I think I'm looking at it clearly and trying to take steps to continue forward in my recovery. Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

Otherwise, just still on that daily grind. Still working both my office job and the zoo, but I have next weekend off to visit my friend who moved away almost two years ago at this point. I'm excited, as we are just gonna chill and enjoy ourselves. She's pregnant, so I'm gonna bring a little gift. Also makes it easy because we both can't drink, hah. She knows about my sobriety and recovery, though. The full extent of it. So it's not weird.

I also have finished my second draft of my personal statement for my master's program application. Much much better than the first, but that's the point of revision. Feeling a lot better about my abilities and stuff to really do this. I guess I just had to get back into the swing of things. More revisions to come, obviously, but I'm making good progress.

Otherwise, just another day at the zoo. It's beautiful and crisp outside. A true fall day. Still just taking it one day at a time and that's all I can do. Life is gonna happen anyway, and it's still not half bad. Just have to keep going.

dpac414

biminiblue

dpac, I woke this morning and you were on my mind, so I guess that means I'm supposed to say...something.

I have real forum fatigue and if I say the wrong thing, well, so be it.

I'm worried about your drinking thoughts. I'm worried about Manta. I'm worried about Sassy, Obladi, Tatsy, and Hawk and a lot of the girls. It's not my fight, but their words affect me; you know, codie-me.

So much sadness and, "giving up." I feel like I can't do this forum any more - it is completely dragging me down. The relapsing and depression are too much for me to handle. This isn't helping me.

So I want to say (eventually...)

Fight.

Do not give in.

The thoughts are just thoughts.

Peace out.

biminiblue

I started that post before your last post. Not sure why or how that happened, but whatever.

Hug.

dpac414

Obladi

Hugs all around.

bimini, thanks for your worry, but I think (?) I'm ok atm. Please take a look at my latest post. Maybe you need a break, or maybe we need to support you right now? Let us do that for you?

dpac, get that cry on your schedule post-haste! You're overdue. xo

O

Fusion

Bimini, please don’t worry about me, either! I’m staying strong, resolute, stoic I guess. I shall prevail (as I said in my thread - I had great guides 🤗 )