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Daily Ramblings, Check Ins, and Maybe Other Stuff

Old 09-03-2019, 05:46 AM
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Daily Ramblings, Check Ins, and Maybe Other Stuff

So I've been getting a little worried about my sobriety as of late. I feel like I'm becoming complacent and need to up my recovery tactics in order to get a firm grip on everything. So, I'm making my own accountability thread to check in every day as a way to help get some thoughts out and ground myself. I could just journal personally, but its more important to have other people know I'm doing this, even if they're not reading.

I think I'll either post in the morning when I get to work to reflect on the previous day, or in the evening before bed to reflect on the current day. Maybe I'll post twice. I can do whatever I want, haha. I've been feeling really weird and a little shaky just in general so it'll be good to get my thoughts down.

No one needs to comment or even read this thread, as it's more or less just for me, but advice is always much appreciated.

So here's the first post, I guess. Today consists of work after a wonderful day off with my mom and her S.O. We made souffles, one savory and one sweet, and they turned out so good. The weekend was more zoo as usual, and I managed to get a pretty good amount of rest in between.

Tonight is a boxing class with my friends, and then I'm going to catch up on monday night raw. Just the Hulu cut, so only an hour and a half. That's enough for me, tbh.

I already don't want to be at work and I hate my ******* job so much, lmao. It's comforting to know that I am taking steps to apply for grad school and move forward, so that's what makes it manageable.

But that's it for now. Gonna eat a peach and get to work.
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Old 09-04-2019, 05:26 AM
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Okay, time for another post.

Yesterday ended up being a good day, even though I started kinda irritable. I got through work and then went to boxing, which was an amazing release. It feels like all your problems are just dripping to the floor with the rest of your sweat and you are cleansed. And then as always, my friends and I went to eat afterwards and hang out and it was a good time.

I definitely did not get up to work out this morning because I always take a rest day after boxing, and my hamstrings are little sore because I'm trying to eventually do a full split (lmao, right??). I just want to be able to do one.

Otherwise, today consists of trying to get more work done, therapy, and AA. I need both of those right now, so I'm actually looking forward to going. I came in early to work today because I'm going to take a lunch break and it's very quiet and peaceful.

Might check in at the end of the day, not sure.
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Old 09-04-2019, 06:29 AM
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This is good my friend. This IS a form of talking about your day to day life and struggles. The worst thing to do is to let it fester in your own mind, so you have done the right thing by starting a new thread!!
How old are you if you don't mind me asking and how long have you been sober for now? I've just checked and I'm 78 days today
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:17 AM
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I am 25 and will have 9 months tomorrow, actually. 1/5/19.

Congrats on 78 days!! That's awesome.
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by dpac414 View Post
I am 25 and will have 9 months tomorrow, actually. 1/5/19.

Congrats on 78 days!! That's awesome.
Well done on the 9 months. I'm 34 (35 this December).
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Old 09-04-2019, 02:07 PM
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Dpac: only 25. Amazing maturity to get to this point so young. And 15 years on me to enjoy the rest of your 20s and 30s to the fullest. I'm on day 17 here and feeling great. Feel like I really turned a corner that last horrid weekend. Let's see.
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:01 AM
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Aw, thanks Briansy. I'm lucky, for sure. I don't know what allowed me to come to my senses so early, but whatever it was saved my life before things got too bad.

Yesterday was a good day. I went to lunch with that guy I'm seeing casually and it was really nice. I am keeping things so so casual for the foreseeable future because the last thing I need is to rush into anything I'm not prepared for. As with sobriety, one day at a time and plenty of time to allow myself to adjust as things progress (or don't, who knows). But it feels nice to be able to connect with someone. If things do get a little more serious, I'm gonna have to tell him why I'm always busy on Wednesdays. For now, he just knows I don't drink.

Other than that, I went to therapy and had a great session. Then it was AA, where the topic was the third step prayer. I did not share. I'm starting to feel a little more awkward that I'm not doing the steps or have a sponsor, but I think it would be worse to do it and sorta fake it if I don't really want to. Idk. It was very god heavy last night, and that's fine, but but it just seemed weird to have that be the topic at a beginner's meeting. Since I wasn't there last week, the guy I make coffee with was happy to see me and told me that he was glad I wasn't dead or drunk. Which he said as a joke, but meant it. Because honestly? Those really are the two other options if I try to drink again. I needed that reminder.

Afterwards I went home and watched Smackdown while kinda dozing off. I've been going to bed way too late because I've been so busy, but I have an evening off today so I'm gonna try to sleep around 9pm.

All in all, good day yesterday. A good reminder that if I keep my head down, keep pushing forward, and doing the next right thing, things fall into place for me. Sobriety is the thread that holds all of this together. If I drink, it falls apart and I'm back at square one. I cannot let that happen.

I feel ready for Thursday today.
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:02 AM
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Also Briansy - let's not see if you really turned a corner. Decide to turn that corner and don't look back. Make it stick this time. You can do it.
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Old 09-06-2019, 05:40 AM
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Time for another post all about me. :P

Yesterday was good. Work was rough, as usual since I hate my job so much, but I got through it. I was waiting for that guy to text me all day and then he didn't, so I went out on a limb and made it happen myself. We chatted all evening, so clearly it was fine. I really need to make sure that my anxiety brain doesn't try to sabotage this for me. The games of relationships are weird though....like don't text too often, wait a certain amount of time before you reply, don't be too needy, be happy all the time at the beginning, don't lean on someone too hard.....I've been on so many dates and had so many stints with different people while I was drinking but this time feels like I'm relearning how to connect with someone all over again. I don't think I've ever really had a healthy relationship with a man, specifically. I always put too much of me onto them, wanted them to be the cure for all my problems. It sounds cliche, but I think I needed a man's approval to make me feel worthy. I say all of this in the past tense, but I'm still unlearning it and navigating through it all.

Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to these things. Sobriety, medication, and therapy combined with hard work makes for success. I'm surely giving it my all.

Other than that, I had an evening off so I just lounged around. I needed to do laundry and a few other things but I ended up just...not doing them, hah. I feel like I'm getting sick, and I have that mud run tomorrow that I think will probably just make me sicker. So I took NyQuil and passed out around 8:30. Felt good to sleep for over 10 hours.

I feel like I'm out of that rut that I was in for a few days regarding drinking, and I think it only came about because I kind of put myself into a triggering situation (mom's house). There was no alcohol present, but it was the action of doing what we always did just without alcohol that triggered me. I need to be more careful. But I feel stronger in my sobriety again, especially after getting back to everything I was doing before. Posting, AA, therapy, check ins on my tracker app, etc. Good stuff. Consistent.

Tonight I'm visiting my grandmother who is in a nursing home. My sister is coming with me. I don't mind visiting her but it makes me sad because I'm not sure how much longer she really has left. She's the most stubborn woman I've ever known, and would live another 20 years to spite death itself if she could. Then I'm going straight to bed to get up for this race. That'll certainly be something.

Thanks all, happy Friday.
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Old 09-06-2019, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by dpac414 View Post
Time for another post all about me. :P

Yesterday was good. Work was rough, as usual since I hate my job so much, but I got through it. I was waiting for that guy to text me all day and then he didn't, so I went out on a limb and made it happen myself. We chatted all evening, so clearly it was fine. I really need to make sure that my anxiety brain doesn't try to sabotage this for me. The games of relationships are weird though....like don't text too often, wait a certain amount of time before you reply, don't be too needy, be happy all the time at the beginning, don't lean on someone too hard.....I've been on so many dates and had so many stints with different people while I was drinking but this time feels like I'm relearning how to connect with someone all over again. I don't think I've ever really had a healthy relationship with a man, specifically. I always put too much of me onto them, wanted them to be the cure for all my problems. It sounds cliche, but I think I needed a man's approval to make me feel worthy. I say all of this in the past tense, but I'm still unlearning it and navigating through it all.

Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to these things. Sobriety, medication, and therapy combined with hard work makes for success. I'm surely giving it my all.

Other than that, I had an evening off so I just lounged around. I needed to do laundry and a few other things but I ended up just...not doing them, hah. I feel like I'm getting sick, and I have that mud run tomorrow that I think will probably just make me sicker. So I took NyQuil and passed out around 8:30. Felt good to sleep for over 10 hours.

I feel like I'm out of that rut that I was in for a few days regarding drinking, and I think it only came about because I kind of put myself into a triggering situation (mom's house). There was no alcohol present, but it was the action of doing what we always did just without alcohol that triggered me. I need to be more careful. But I feel stronger in my sobriety again, especially after getting back to everything I was doing before. Posting, AA, therapy, check ins on my tracker app, etc. Good stuff. Consistent.

Tonight I'm visiting my grandmother who is in a nursing home. My sister is coming with me. I don't mind visiting her but it makes me sad because I'm not sure how much longer she really has left. She's the most stubborn woman I've ever known, and would live another 20 years to spite death itself if she could. Then I'm going straight to bed to get up for this race. That'll certainly be something.

Thanks all, happy Friday.
You're definitely remaining vigilant! I'm not actively doing anything at this moment in time. But I'm just relaxing and feeling content so why force something when I am not feeling in danger. Plus, obsessing is not a good mindset to get into!!

I do wonder with those multiple failed attempts - I keep saying that these are not in vain and that the last relapses are those last elements of resistance. When I first went through a proper spell of 5 or so weeks last year, I felt deprived as hell. This time, no deprivation. It takes a long time to sink in. But I kinda feel that it all just happens organically as long as you keep genuinely trying - and not because i am arbitrarily ticking boxes as to what others say I "should" be doing...
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:28 AM
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So it's just past 7am here and I am about to get ready for this mud run I signed up for in January.

It's significant for a few reasons. I was newly sober, only a couple of days, when my friends asked if I wanted to do this. They don't know the real reason I stopped drinking, just that I said I don't anymore. I agreed to run this race because I thought it'd be fun, a challenge, and something to prove to myself. I knew I needed to make sobriety stick if I had any hope of feeling good about this event.

As I sit here on this beautiful early Saturday morning, I'm remembering all the times I woke up feeling sick, sweaty, dead tired before all important things I needed to do (my college graduation for one). I know if I were still drinking I wouldn't have been able to abstain the night before this race, using it as an excuse for poor performance. I have a bit of a cold right now, but I am rested and sober, and already 100x better than I would be if I was hungover. I know I'd be waiting for that beer at the end of the race and then start the cycle of craving more for the rest of the day. I don't doubt that after I was dropped off at home later today, I would go out and buy more alcohol and drink until I passed out, only to be hungover for work tomorrow.

******* wild, the stuff we put ourselves through.

You know, I've never been super into fitness or proving things to myself vis a vis physical accomplishments. But this is more than that. I've trained for this race, gotten stronger, been sober, and come so far in the past months. I wouldn't have been able to do this without sobriety. These are the types of things I need to remember when I have those thoughts about alcohol. I am capable of so much when I do the right thing, and this is just a small piece of that.

I dunno guys, I'm just feeling self indulgently proud of myself this morning. I'm gonna go do this race and still be sober afterwards and I just feel really good about it.
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Old 09-07-2019, 04:59 AM
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You deserve to be proud of yourself! Milk it for all it's worth. Post pictures on Facebook (if you do that) so all of your friends can be amazed and happy that you did this thing.

I'm glad you started this thread. It gives me a glimpse of what my future might look like, including all of those inevitable ups and downs that are part of being simply human.

Thanks and have a great run!

O
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Old 09-07-2019, 07:39 PM
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I had a wonderful time today that I've posted about in other places here, so I won't get into it. I am tired, sore, and feeling very accomplished. Friends wanted to go to a brewery after the race to eat; I resolutely said no. They could have gone without me and I wouldn't have minded, but I was not stepping foot inside a brewery. They decided to change plans and we went to a different restaurant to get burgers. I didn't care about being selfish in that decision. If they felt obligated to change their decision because of me, that's not my problem. They didn't have to.

Mr. Man Friend came over again tonight and we watched Insidious, which wasn't as good as everyone seemed to say it was when it came out. I suppose the horror genre has really developed over the years so I've been spoiled by movies like Hereditary and The Witch. Things are still moving slowly, and I have to make sure I don't get impatient. This is the way it's supposed to go, and I need to chill out. So far still good.

I just wanted to check in tonight and do a little additional reflecting before bed. i'm doing well. Really well, in fact. It's days like these that I know all of this is worth it.

Tomorrow, zoo. Hopefully I'm not too sore. Might start the day with a lil yoga to stretch out all the muscles.
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Old 09-08-2019, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by dpac414 View Post
I had a wonderful time today that I've posted about in other places here, so I won't get into it. I am tired, sore, and feeling very accomplished. Friends wanted to go to a brewery after the race to eat; I resolutely said no. They could have gone without me and I wouldn't have minded, but I was not stepping foot inside a brewery. They decided to change plans and we went to a different restaurant to get burgers. I didn't care about being selfish in that decision. If they felt obligated to change their decision because of me, that's not my problem. They didn't have to.

Mr. Man Friend came over again tonight and we watched Insidious, which wasn't as good as everyone seemed to say it was when it came out. I suppose the horror genre has really developed over the years so I've been spoiled by movies like Hereditary and The Witch. Things are still moving slowly, and I have to make sure I don't get impatient. This is the way it's supposed to go, and I need to chill out. So far still good.

I just wanted to check in tonight and do a little additional reflecting before bed. i'm doing well. Really well, in fact. It's days like these that I know all of this is worth it.

Tomorrow, zoo. Hopefully I'm not too sore. Might start the day with a lil yoga to stretch out all the muscles.
Well done for sticking to your guns regarding the brewery. Do your friends know that you and the drink have parted company?
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Old 09-08-2019, 03:39 PM
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Yes, they do, but not the exact reasons why. It hadn't come down to a decision like that yet, so I think they were a little surprised I was so against it and couldn't just sit there and not drink. Which, I mean, I could have I suppose, but it would have been far too tempting and a stupid decision on my part.

Today SUCKED. The cold I had before the race developed into a full blown illness, and I'm sore and achy and kinda felt like crying all day because of how terrible I feel. I got through it, lost my voice, and am now home with some hot tea and sweatpants. Debating calling in sick for work tomorrow but will probably just go and ride it out. If I get enough sleep tonight, I should be okay. Still not as bad as being hungover.

So, that's that for today. Life is crazy, guys. In good and bad ways. I can handle anything as long as I'm sober, and I'm not going to be a giant baby about a cold when I could still be drinking myself to death.
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Old 09-08-2019, 04:55 PM
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Sorry you're not feeling well. Hopefully everything will be better in the morning.

O
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:55 PM
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get well soon dpac

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Old 09-10-2019, 05:37 AM
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Forgot to check in yesterday.

Still sore from the race saturday but feeling much better, like the cold has broken and now all I need to do is just recover. I got up and did a light cardio workout just to stay in the swing of things and I'm feeling nice and loose and warm. Good stuff, those endorphins.

I was talking to my man friend last night and had a moment of panic when he said something along the lines of "I'm very lucky to have met you." I have been doing so well, but sometimes it feels like I'm masquerading as this sober, put together person who is smart, funny, capable, and independent. That soon everything will fall apart and he'll see what a mess I really am.

I think this is brought on by a couple things. I was so depressed for such a long time, and then I drank on top of it. I have no idea what the real me really is, because I think I'm firing on all cylinders finally. I'm....happy......with no strings attached it seems. Weird. The second thing is that I've never really met someone and let things develop naturally and slowly. I've had relationships before, sure, but during those I was depressed and drinking actively, so my emotional capacity was stunted and I wasn't able to really give it my all. Plus I always took things way too fast. I'm not used to having someone be so nice to me. That sounds pathetic, but it's true.

I called my mom because I had this moment of panic and she talked me down, lol. I think I'm doing this right. Just dipping my toes in and remaining appropriately wary, but allowing things to just happen. I think this feeling of impostor syndrome will fade with more sober time, as I realize that yeah, this is the real me and it can stay this way.

I dunno guys, there's a novelty in normalcy. You finally stop drinking and things start to even out and you can take a step back and just say "huh, I guess this is how it's really supposed to be." I'm marveling at it like a wide eyed kid at a fair. It feels pretty good.

Today I'm getting dinner with my best friend who moved to a different state over a year ago. She moved with her husband who is doing a residency there. It'll be really nice to see her.
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Old 09-10-2019, 05:50 AM
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You're doing good, dpac. Your story about man friend makes me smile; how great that you're taking this slow and feeling (appropriate in my mind) very cautious about it. You're mom sounds like a good egg; I'm glad she's there to talk you down when you need it.

Dinner with your friend sounds wonderful - enjoy!!

O
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Old 09-10-2019, 06:12 AM
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Thanks for the kind words, O. My mom is a good egg. She's really been through the ringer with alcohol as well, and it's always interesting to me to hear people talk about their children on this forum, because I was one of those children. Now I'm on the other side.

I've read a little of your threads and I know it's not my place to comment on anyone's family, but just know that effort is appreciated and seen, and relationships can heal. My mom clawed her way out of the deepest pit, tooth and nail, got better, and we have a great relationship today. She's my hero, with all that she's done.

Didn't wanna get too deep, but just wanted you to know that since my mom was in the mix. I think you're doing great as well.
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