dpac414

Well done, Briansy. I hope you check in when you make it to three months!

BullDog777

checking in...

it's been a hard weekend for us here. My wife's aunt is dying and just got transferred to hospice care.

It looks like days now. I may have to fly out to vegas with my wife to settle the estate. She's a mess.

I have some wicked insomnia goin on. Anxiety has been kickin my a$$ for awhile now.

what can I do? I'm glad i can be there for my wife, but seeing her this broken is hard.

Obladi

I want to double "thanks" your last post, dpac, but despite my request long ago, this isn't a thing yet.

So consider this that.

dpac414

dpac414

It's super late where I am right now, but I felt like I wanted to write a post about the goings on in my life, aside from the grad school acceptance.

It's been an interesting weekend. My best friend at work quit to pursue a new opportunity, and her last day was Friday. We all went out to happy hour and chatted for a long time, and I was sad. I want to remain friends with her, and I'm confident I will, but it's always weird to bridge the gap between work friends and real life friends, if that makes sense. She's been such a good friend to me over the three years I've been at my office, and I'm really going to miss her. So we ate appetizers and I drank a cranberry soda water, and it was really bittersweet.

I went out on a date with a new prospect I'd been talking to after I left the happy hour. I never stay long at those anymore anyway because people start pounding the drinks and it's better for me just to leave that kind of situation. But me and this guy went to this exhibit that was at our convention center for the weekend, and then got some dinner and ice cream afterwards. The conversation was excellent, he is very smart, seems kind and funny, and has an eager, genuine quality to him that made me feel very comfortable. We hung out for about five hours and then I needed to get home to my cats.

Only thing is - and I don't even know if this is really that big of a deal - he's about 7 years older than me. I feel as though I'm in the stage of life where age gaps don't matter as much (within reason) and men tend to really peak in maturity around 30 or so, so I've always had more luck with older guys. By the end of the date, his personality kind of won me over.

It was interesting though - it almost seemed during a part of the conversation during dinner that he wanted me to talk more about why I don't drink. And it wasn't in a rude way or anything, cuz he was talking about his own drinking (or lackthereof....he said he doesn't really drink anymore bc he was drinking too much) and I think he kind of expected me to just dive right into my own alcoholism and reasons for staying sober. It bothered me. The fact that I don't drink is well known among my friends and family, but my sobriety is very private. I keep it close to me and kinda treat it like a fragile package. Don't wanna jostle it too much because it might break, and its not for other people to open. Weird simile but whatever.

I did wonder though....my unwillingness to talk about sobriety (even in general terms) feels like my last ditch effort to be one of those "cool sober people" who still go to bars and hang around where there's drinking and alcohol. That it's really not that big of a deal because I want to pretend it wasn't that bad for me and the fact that I don't drink doesn't define my entire personality. It doesn't, but it is very important.

I think that could be dangerous, and I'll have to think about it a little more.

I did go out with the same guy I went out with about two weeks ago tonight (so two dates in two days with diff people, yikes) and it was again, only ok. Dunno what's going thru his head but idk if he's shy or if there's just nothing there. I'm having fun though, and I've been able to go to some fun events and stuff this weekend, so it's a win. We'll see what happens.

That's all for now.

dpac414

Another update from me, to let y'all know that I'm still alive and kicking

Life has been busy, although these past 2ish weeks have felt like 3 months. I got the flu pretty aggressively on the 11th, and was out of work for three days and through the weekend. I only really started feeling a little better on Wednesday last week. I also went to Disney World with my sister Thursday through Sunday, which was kind of rough since I still had (have) a pretty bad cough. We had the trip planned since December though, so we went. It was fantastic. We went to Epcot for a half day on Thursday after our flights got in, and then did Universal and Island of Adventures Friday to mainly see the Harry Potter stuff they had. I read all the books as a kid, so it was pretty special. Saturday we rented a car and went to visit my grandmother, who lives about an hour outside Orlando. That was also a really nice visit. It was cool to see where they live (I hadn't been down there since they moved a couple years ago) and we had a wonderful time chatting and sitting outside in the sun.

So, although I was having a bit of a rough time with the sickness and whatnot, it ended up being great. It was really nice to see my sister for a couple days, just me and her. I feel a lot better this week; still have the cough but it's slowly getting better and I physically feel great. I was able to go back to my spinning class last night and it felt so good to get back into some exercise after 2 weeks off.

One good thing that came from the flu was that I was able to watch a lot of movies while I was dying in my house, so I highly recommend Parasite if anyone hasn't seen it yet. I can absolutely see why it won what it did at the Oscars. Excellent film.

Otherwise, life has been good. I've still been seeing that one guy (the older one) and have been taking it very slow. It's been going well. It's kinda wild because there's really nothing in the way of this actually working out. Can I actually date someone for longer than three months without something crazy happening? I don't know anymore. But I'm sure gonna try and see what happens. I just keep reminding myself to go slow and steady. I think it'll be okay.

Still sober, still doing my best. 2020 has been good to me so far. I think as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, things will be just fine. I've proven that I can handle a lot in my sobriety.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I'll probably check in again in a week or two.

dpac414

Back again with another little update about my life.

Things are still moving forward and I am still sober, so that's good. Relationship is also moving forward at a comfortable pace. It's really nice to have someone seem to genuinely like me and want to hang out with me. And while I'm trying to just take it one day at a time, I'm kind of half waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to get tired of me and end things. Which is stupid. I’m always so afraid of being too much or too overwhelming or having “too many problems” (whatever that means) and like, I always feel like maybe I don’t really have my **** together and I’m just a big ol’ fraud. I don’t want someone to take care of me or like….comfort me, as stupid as that sounds, cuz I’ve done all this **** by myself and I KNOW it’s okay to let ppl in and help you and that’s what a relationship IS, but I don't know. This is why I go to therapy. Being vulnerable is weird and hard.

Otherwise, things are going well. We've been going out and doing a lot of fun things together and I've met a couple of his friends so far. I'll be meeting a few more of them on Monday which I'm kind of nervous about it but I think it'll be okay. It seems like this guy is well adjusted and emotionally available and....normal. Wild, right? :P

Things with my grandma on my mom's side aren't going well, though, and it's giving me a lot of anxiety. I'm worried about when Corona finally comes here and the fact that my grandmother is more or less in an incubator, and I don't think she'd make it. My grandfather is hanging in there as best he can, but the stress is taking its toll. We have plans to move him into a nursing home as well this June, but it can't come soon enough. The stress is also taking its toll on my mom, who is doing her best to cope with things. I'm going to hang out with her and her partner this weekend for St. Patty's day (no drinking - they also have stopped although I'm not sure for how long), so that should be fun.

I'm also going to have a conversation with my father about how we are going to handle my tuition for my grad program. If I have to take a loan out, I will, but I'm hoping that we can come up with an agreement where he'll pay for it and I will pay him back as I would a loan, but without interest. I don't really want to do it because I don't want to take anything from him, but at the same time I need to do what's best for me and my future, and I feel like I shouldn't pass up a good opportunity.....a privileged position to have, honestly.

Almost three full months into 2020 and I can say that things are overall good. There's a lot of stress in my life right now, but I'm handling it with exercise, therapy, and IRL support. Things will keep on happening, and I will keep on handling them to the best of my ability. As long as I don't drink, I think things will be okay.

dpac414

I thought I'd check in very briefly.

I'm still sober and doing fine, although I am in social isolation (I live alone). It's been fine, but I didn't realize how much I actually depended on my AA meeting on Wednesday to get that dose of IRL alcoholism support. Our group finally set up a zoom meeting yesterday and it was such a relief to see everyone. I had gone to some other meetings, but it wasn't the same.

Otherwise I'm fine. Just socially isolating and staying inside. I started working from home on March 16, so it's been quite awhile since I've gone out for any other reason than to get groceries. But I'm still sober, and that's what matters.

I don't have much else to report on, honestly. But I am coming here and reading a few times a day and keeping in contact with my family and friends. Hang in there everyone. We can get through this.

dpac414

Hi everyone,
Again, long overdue for any sort of update, for me and whoever reads this thread. I am still working from home and under stay at home orders where I live. They are talking about lifting restrictions slowly over time, but our region hasn't been cleared yet. Which tbh I'm happy about, because I still have a lot of fear about potentially getting a second wave. I'm not really worried about myself, but more my parents, my grandmother who is in a nursing home, my 92 year old grandfather, my boyfriend with asthma, everyone, lmao. But I guess we just have to be careful.
Otherwise, I've been handling it fine. I am very fortunate and privileged to be able to still have a job, an income, and my apartment. My life hasn't really been super affected by this. I think about that all the time and try to do what I can to help those who don't have what I do. I donated blood last month, and got an email that it's on its way to the hospital, so that's pretty cool. Hopefully a little bit of me will help save someone's life.
My birthday was also on the 14th of April, so I'm 26 now. I wasn't really able to do much, but my boyfriend came over (only one that I've been seeing during the pandemic cuz I figure if he has it I have it and we're not seeing anyone else which I guess is still not recommended but whatEVER) and my mom ordered dinner to my apartment. We ate it and put music on and pretended like we were at a restaurant, and that was cute. It was still really nice and like I keep saying, I am so fortunate to be in the situation I'm in. I have people who love me and I am SOBER, which is the biggest thing. None of this would be possible without my sobriety, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to be an active alcoholic right now.
Anyway, I'm still doing really well. Hope everyone is also well. I'm still reading here almost daily, just not posting as much. I can't believe it's already May and almost halfway through 2020.

dpac414

Another quick update about how I'm doing. Still doing well personally. Still have my job, my family, my boyfriend, my cats. I'm lucky that covid has left me largely unaffected.

However, my grandmother isn't doing well and she's moving to a different senior care place on Thursday and my mom is so nervous about the whole thing I'm afraid she's going to have a mental break. And I talk to my grandfather every Tuesday and he really, really stresses me out. Says he's worried my mom will have to go back to the psych ward, that my grandmother is losing her mind, that he's not going to live long enough to see the election in November. But I talk to him every week because then that's one less day my mom has to talk to him, so I'm trying to lighten the load for her. So the whole thing sucks. I guess I just feel really helpless in the whole situation because there's really nothing I can do to help the situation.

It just sucks. I don't feel in danger of drinking though. I'm still actively working on my sobriety every day and while I still get urges sometimes (especially during these stressful times) it doesn't really feel like an option. So that's a positive I guess.

This too shall pass, I suppose.

Dee74

we're always here to talk to Dpac - hope your grandmothers move goes well and that the stress lessens for your other family members.

D

dpac414

Thanks Dee. Things are all right as they stand and now I’m just dealing with the stress of what’s going on in America right now. I’m just tired.

I have to go back to the office starting Monday, but it might be better since I haven’t been super productive these last two weeks or so. What I really need to do is get back to a more solid routine, as that has always been helpful for me. I need to go back to exercising regularly and going to sleep at a normal time (it’s almost 2am here right now). I am also starting back at the zoo for Saturdays only for some extra cash before I go to grad school in the fall. So that will be nice and familiar.

things will be all right. I just need to focus and do what I can.

dpac414

Just as an update - still here, still sober. But it's been really tough lately. My grandmother is dying. She's likely to pass away this week, we just don't know when. I was able to visit her last night and it was probably one of the most painful things I've ever done, save for maybe dealing with my mom when she went to the hospital and we thought she might also die.

But it's hard. It's sad. I'm sad. It's time for her, though. She has suffered enough and I want her to be at peace.

I won't drink, but I'm sad.

Fusion

I'm so sorry to read of your pain, due to your grandmother's last journey on this planet. I've been a witness a few times, it's, well, there are no words. But I'm so glad to read that you won't drink, dpac. So that when you visit her again, you'll be fully there for her, authentic, loving dpac (everything that the AV is not). Love and hugs to you and your grandmother, from the UK xxx.

Briansy

Hi Dpac, I haven't checked in for a while but just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through at the moment - but also how amazing it is that drinking is not seriously on the table. That really is great going. I'm on day 35 - feeling pretty good - hope I can get to where you are in due course. Take care x

Dee74

I'm sorry dpac - I know that's tough. Best thoughts and wishes to you and your family

dpac414

Thanks for everyone’s responses. Just wanted to let y’all know my grandmother passed away last Thursday morning. It’s been a weird couple of days but I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.

There have been a lot of tests on my sobriety since I decided to stop drinking but I think this one might be the hardest. I’m so grateful I have the tools I’ve built over the past 1.5 years to help me through this. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved that it’s over. I was so afraid she was going to live in that state for longer, since she’s always been a tough bitch.

Regardless, things are still all right here. Worried about a lot of things but I have support and will come out the other side.

kk1k5x

I'm very sorry to read about your grandmother. Stay strong, D.

Fusion

I'm so sorry to read of your Grandmother's passing, Dpac. And I understand what you meant when you said your'e glad she's not suffering, and relieved, because she was tough. Ugh, age. We have a finite number of years on this planet, let's make the most of them. As troubled as the world presently is, I believe that individually, we can make a difference, from a position of love, not hate and envy.

dpac414

Another update. Thanks to everyone who commented or reached out to me - I sincerely appreciate it.

It's been a weird couple weeks. I'm doing fine and don't feel in danger of drinking, but there have been moments where it crossed my mind. It's just been emotionally exhausting trying to support my mom and do everything else I need to be doing. I've been working with my therapist to set appropriate boundaries while still doing what I can. It's hard but I think it's gonna be okay. My grandfather moved into his new place the first week of July, and I think he's doing well there. He kind of complains about a lot, but it's kind of trivial stuff, like the air conditioner is loud and they forgot to bring him milk with breakfast one day. But I think they treat him well there so that's really what matters. We're having a bit of a covid spike in my area (not like the really bad hotspots in the country but for our population it's not ideal). I'm a little nervous about him being there but I guess I have to trust that they're ensuring everything is clean and as safe as possible and will handle any cases very carefully.

Otherwise, I'm still working partially at home and partially in the office. Our governor technically made another WFH mandate where possible, but I haven't heard anything from my office so I still had to come in today. I also was able to sign up for my first two classes for my grad program, so that's neat. I'm pretty sure they're going to be doing remote classes for my stuff, since I'm a part time graduate student. I think I'd like that better anyway, since it will allow me to at least be at home while I do class stuff instead of having to go to campus. But it's exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. I've been checking my email almost obsessively in case I miss something about what books I'm supposed to get, where we'll actually be doing class, the requirements, syllabus, etc. It's still early though. Classes don't officially start until 8/19, so plenty of time to worry, lol. I'm nervous, but I know that I am more equipped than ever to do this. At least my rational brain knows.

Otherwise, I'm still grateful for every day. I have an absurd amount of privilege to be in the position I am (still have a job, can work from home, going to grad school, income, family, etc) and I make sure to remind myself of that. Not to say things haven't been hard - they have. I just have been lucky and fortunate that the virus hasn't touched my life like it has many others. Hopefully it stays that way, but y'know. One day at a time and all that.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and let y'all know how I was doing. I'm still posting sometimes on newcomers and go read there everyday, so I'm here. This place is an important part of my ongoing recovery and I make sure not to forget that.