dwtbd

I think sans besotted-ness the neurons start firing in different directions with more depth. Less materially, mechanistically our minds see more or different , recognize feelings and intutions without being shoved out of the way or numbed out.

And I think part of the human 'condition ' is always suffering from some existential angst. 'Tamping' it down ,at one stage, was exitting the mental perturbations of puberty but that the gift is revisted in 'middle age' .

One of the main 'causes' of religion , my theory

Hawkeye13

Translation:

1. Once we dry out, our brain's receptors start to function more effectively and we are able to sense more both internally and externally. Our numbness wears off, and we have "eyes" to see if we choose to make space and open them / It/ Self.

2, The meaning of Life, something we gave up thinking about and started drinking over to smother the question when we couldn't figure it out back then, becomes an interesting topic once again as we get closer to Death and finding out first hand for ourselves.

3. Suffering being one of the main gates to Enlightenment, or not . . .

Obladi

We interrupt this moment of existential angst to bring you a special edition of Fast Times in the ED.

Eldest has been decompensating for a few weeks. In the past, she's been resistant to seeing anyone for help; bad previous experiences combined with an "I should be able to do it myself" attitude. Wonder where she got that from? However, she's recently been receptive to my offers to find her help. So I was already thinking things were getting pretty serious. This morning she texted that she didn't have any will to live and was thinking she might admit herself to the hospital. But when I called, she wasn't ready to actually go. With some convincing from me and her friend, she agreed to go in. They took her back to a bed pretty quickly, then I waited for the update which came 2 hours later from a nurse who hadn't spoken with her. Basically, she told me the drill which I remember well from my admission a couple of years back. Knowing she would be in the ED for at least 4 more hours until they reached a decision on what to do next, I left for home.

I had picked a very bad parking spot in the garage. There was a line of cars passing behind me to pay at the booth. So I very carefully started inching my way out, and felt a mild bump. "Damn," thunk I, "I've hit the cement pole." In moments, a furious young woman appeared at my window to dissuade me of that notion - I'd bumped into her car. Like a reasonable person, I said "Is there any damage?" "&*%$ why don't you look yourself?" Which I did, and concluded there was no damage. "@#!*&^% you looked straight at me you dumb ***, and then you drove into my ***ing car." You get the picture. This went on for probably five minutes. I gave her my information and she drove off cussing all the way. About 8 security guards were there by that time, and they kindly helped me to back out.

She filed a claim, of course. I could barely speak with her nice agent, I was so furious. I then called my insurance company and they assured me that they will not pay anything if the alleged damage isn't consistent with what happened.

As I was walking to my car to go get her, I thought about drinking, for sure. Not right then, but sometime later. I said, "I'm never going to drink again and I'm never going to change my mind." I didn't quite believe it and I thought about those guys on the Rational Recovery threads who wrote about enjoying staring the beast down. I said, "Broster, there is absolutely nothing fun about this." By the time I got to my daughter, the thoughts were gone.

Driving to the ED, she said "I would really like a martini right now." And I said, "Me too!" Her response was, "It's different for you - you can't." Again, thoughts of future drinking floated in. I ignored them - I had to concentrate on driving and getting her to actually walk into the hospital.

The car incident had no such affect on me. I was seriously seriously angry that this nasty young woman was so disrespectful, so belligerent, and threatened to mess me up! (I told her to come on; she stayed in her car spewing bile.) Zero thoughts of drinking on my drive home - that anger obliterated any desire to harm myself in that way.

So. Isn't that something.

Now I wait and hope that she allows herself to be admitted.

dwtbd

Jeez, talk about a day.
I’m not the biggest hugger , as you can probably tell but ((sis)) , and, best wishes for your daughter .

fini

whoa, O, yikes!

Obladi

The psychiatrist called around midnight to ask me a series of questions about my impressions of what's been going on with eldest. She wanted to know if I thought that my daughter would be at risk if she were discharged. I said I did, and the doctor agreed. She was going to speak with my daughter again to try to convince her to agree to inpatient treatment, but the fallback plan is involuntary admission. It was hard to go that route, but sometimes you have to be the mom even when you know your kid is potentially going to feel betrayed.

She knows I only want the best for her and that her friend is on the same page. I don't know the guy, but he's been really compassionate and supportive - to both of us.

I'm so glad I don't drink any more. Had I still been drinking, I'm not sure that I would have been truly available to her. There are any number of blessings to count in this moment. I'm going to try to focus on those and let go of the worry for now. For now, she is safe. And that is a very good thing.

Hawkeye13

O
You certainly have had the trial by fire, and come through thus far beautifully.

I think you are doing the right thing for your daughter--sometimes what's best isn't what's easy.

So very glad you are facing this sober and that you can see how firm a foundation you are building in your life now and going forward because you don't drink and you never will again.

fini

safe for now is a relief and hopefully gives you all a bit of breathing room to figure out next steps.

Stayingsassy

Wow, O.

I don’t know why life decides the timing is right to throw a wrench in the works when we finally get sober. Cosmic readiness I suppose. My dad’s death turned me upside down and I still have bricks sitting in my chest all day. But I wouldn’t do this drinking. I can’t imagine drinking and dealing with this at the same time.

I’m glad you are sober for your daughter. Also, your language and position over your AV is consistently impressive and strong. Its clear you’re going to make it.

Also dealing with someone filing a claim against me is a phobia of mine: went through that recently as well. You had a hell of a day. . Without drinking, because we don’t drink no matter what: and our sobriety guides our life now.

Dropsie

O,

I am sorry for what you are going through, which is like wow, but proud of you that you are present.

Not easy sometimes, just being there.

Go girl! and your girls... and mine.

XX

Dee74

Thinking of you and your daughter O - wishing both of you the best.

D

Obladi

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate you all.

And Sass, thanks very much for your post. I wasn't sure I'd ever see anything so positive from you (concerning me), and I'm truly touched that you would take the time.

She was finally admitted this afternoon. Total stay in the ED was 26 hours; apparently that is not at all out of the norm. Our healthcare system really makes me shake my head. Already, though, she is looking and sounding better. We're both a bit concerned at the treatment plan having the incorrect primary focus, so she is going to talk with them about it tomorrow. Annnnnnndddd she was talking about leaving when her 72 hours is up. I let that sit, hoping she will be able to have a part in forming a treatment plan that will be most suitable to her. And hoping that will help us to convince her to stay longer.

I am pretty tired, but it's ok. I feel like I really did the best I could do in everything I did and that feels pretty great.

Also, I don't drink anymore.

(I'm starting to remind myself of a guy who cracked me up in rehab. For every check-in, he would say, "Mentally, I feel like I'm off suboxone. Physically, I feel like I'm off suboxone. Spiritually, I feel like I'm off suboxone." )

Obladi

Oh, I am so grateful for real sleep. The kind that comes within minutes, that is completely still and restful, the kind that makes me pleased that five or six hours have passed without waking. I still have a headache most mornings, but the trade-off is worth it. So odd that I generally didn't have headaches when I was drinking - or maybe I did? It's possible that all of the other physical symptoms took precedence. Who knows? That's empty speculation at this point.

I've been puzzling over how to best help eldest, and I think I'm going to call her nurse to see what s/he thinks would be most effective in changing treatment focus. She's been placed in an eating disorders program, and while this is one of her problems, it's certainly not primary at this time (and I don't think it ever has been). We were looking at the list of eating rules yesterday, and they go on for about 5 pages. Things like "Butter can be added to oatmeal, but not to cream of wheat or grits. You may not cut salmon with a knife." It occurs to me that she may have been placed in this program because it was the only slot they had open, and if that's the case, I'm grateful for it. But still, maybe someone will be discharged today and she can switch.

The psychiatrist pulled me aside to talk for a few minutes yesterday. I was sort of blind-sided, so wasn't thinking fast enough to question this treatment. Drats. One of her questions was, "What worked for you to stay sober? Maybe that would be helpful to her." I responded, "Frankly, none of those programs you mention did. But I am now 29 days sober." It was her turn to be taken aback, so she had no more questions. I wish I'd said all of the programs were learning experiences, but in the end I learned that no program would 'work' for me - it had to be an inside job." Or something like that.

Hawkeye13

Hi O;
Thank you for sharing an update on what's going on.

I was waking up with a headache and one thing to look at is electrolytes and hydration, especially if you are still doing keto. Your body releases quite a bit of water, and also you lose moisture when you sleep "normally" through the deep breathing.

I start the day with a glass of lukewarm / cool water with a healthy pinch of pink salt stirred in. That makes the headache abate pretty quickly, and then I can get to the serious business of coffee.

Take care and keep posting when needed.
You are zeroing in on a month sober now---Wow

Stayingsassy

Well...you sound different. I’ve been reading your posts for awhile and you have always allowed an escape clause. Haven’t heard one this go round for you. Not in a single post. congrats on never drinking again.

Wishing you the best healing for your daughter.

Obladi

Yep, I know Sass. It's grand.

My daughter says she talked to her team today about needing a different approach and their response was, "That's the Eating Disorder talking." I really think she's right, but am second-guessing myself. I'm not the professional here - maybe they know things I don't know? But her friend, with whom she has spent almost the entire last month, also thinks they have her on the wrong track. So I've asked for a family meeting. Hopefully we can get this straightened out one way or another. I'm going to contact a psychiatric hospital tomorrow to see if they might be able to take her. Then would come the step of convincing her which would be a hard sell if this hospitalization continues on as it has been.

I'm really tired.
It's ok. I'll wake up in the morning and do it all over again. And it will be ok.

I'm going to try your saltwater cure in the morning, Hawk. No pink salt in the house, so white will need to suffice.

Hawkeye13

Himalayan pink, not pickling pink, which is toxic in case others are reading.
White table salt works just fine too--the pink Himalayan is actually a bit "sweeter" in flavor--more mild anyway and has trace minerals so if you get in the habit of drinking the salt water, it's worth the purchase price.

I hope the family meeting goes well and you get things set up best for your daughter to help her the most.

Sassy is right--you haven't left an escape clause this time and that is a different approach then before. You also have a certainty in the tone of your posts that rings authentically and powerfully.

Obladi

When I came home last night, my refrigerator was off! Man, I thought, maybe that's the same thing that happened with the last fridge - maybe my wiring is killing refrigerators!! I threw all of the breaker switches, then came back up to check. No dice. Pulled the fridge out, switched to the other socket in the outlet - and it came on! Phew. That outlet looks pretty dicey. I'll need to add calling an electrician to my procrastination list.

I was awake for awhile in the middle of the night, worrying about my kid and whether I may have inadvertently contributed to this decline by helping her financially. Maybe that was enabling? The amount I give her is just about enough to cover rent. Maybe if she didn't have that money... I don't know if I'm looking for a way to blame myself so that I can be the hero and find the magic cure or if this a rational thought.

*deep breath*

Despite the worry, I feel alright this morning. No headache! Physically, I'm feeling more flexible and comfortable. I'm getting ready to head into a class that I've been taking this school year, and am feeling really good about being truly present. Taking inventory, I just realized I haven't heard from the beast for awhile; at least not overtly. I'm ready to face this day.

I will hit the one month mark at 6pm this evening.
Gold star for me!

fini

glad to hear you handling all this, full plate and all.
not running.
i was thinking about what you mention, about an eating disorder, and how that might/might not be similar to alcoholism in ways where we have difficulty knowing/discerning the influence of that on everything else.
wondering if it lends itself so easily to being seen as the cause of everything else "wrong", or to be seen as separate from everything else.
and yes, just as you point out, you are not the expert/professional, nor is her friend.
on the other hand, so often "experts" can be in an echo chamber of sorts.
what a blessing you are soberly able to be there and put the energy and effort in to find out what needs doing and then act on doing it.

way many gold stars on a month, O!!!

Obladi

My daughter told me in the nicest way not to come visit this evening because her friend would be getting there early. That's alright.

She's decided that she will be leaving the hospital Monday morning. Her team is trying to talk her into going into a day program for a few weeks, but I have only slim hope that she will agree to it. She was clearly feeling pressured by me when I spoke with her, so I've left it alone for now and hope her friend will be able to convince her, or at least build a strong plan for what to do after.

A social worker called me today to go over the treatment plan they'd laid out for her. He explained that they were focusing on the eating disorder because without addressing that and the drinking, she wouldn't be able to really work on the underlying issues. And though they understand that the alcohol and eating issues are equally destructive, they wanted to use her inpatient time when she has no access to alcohol to try to start forming new habits with regard to food. That makes sense to me. Unfortunately, I think it either doesn't make sense to her or (more likely) she just can't stand having no control.

The beast showed up this evening on the drive home. Immediate physical anxiety followed. I said, "Oh, there you are! I've been expecting you," sang it a spontaneous nonsense song of disdain, and it crept away within ten minutes or so. I don't feel bravado confronting the thing, but I do have a deep sense of confidence (even while I'm disturbed) that these moments are just what they are - moments.