O Well
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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O Well
I'm courageous enough (confident enough?) to feel ready to start a new thread - literally. Figuratively, the thread started 17 days ago when I knew I was really and truly done drinking. Although it took 2 more days to seal the deal, that feeling and commitment hasn't budged.
All of you who pointed out over these many years that I was over-intellectualizing the thing were of course absolutely correct. To ** drink or not drink ** is a simple equation; all of the surrounding noise was rationalization, a thing I'm pretty good at doing.
If you are inclined to comment, share thoughts, or otherwise participate - please do. I like that (even when I don't, if you know what I mean).
All of you who pointed out over these many years that I was over-intellectualizing the thing were of course absolutely correct. To ** drink or not drink ** is a simple equation; all of the surrounding noise was rationalization, a thing I'm pretty good at doing.
If you are inclined to comment, share thoughts, or otherwise participate - please do. I like that (even when I don't, if you know what I mean).
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I'm very happy you have found your way out of the mind and into your Self O
I have so often wandered in my mental labyrinth, lost and using alcohol to create a clever landscape of gothic proportions.
But it was lonely and sad and empty and I'm also glad to be blinking in the light of sobriety.
Sometimes I still feel a little like a bat who wants their comfort zone of sonar and dark instead of learning to navigate this new way in this new medium of vision.
But I feel the health of this choice--don't you?
I feel freedom and something like hope, and belief I can really be done this time for good. For good.
Life is out there waiting for us to grow into it again.
I have so often wandered in my mental labyrinth, lost and using alcohol to create a clever landscape of gothic proportions.
But it was lonely and sad and empty and I'm also glad to be blinking in the light of sobriety.
Sometimes I still feel a little like a bat who wants their comfort zone of sonar and dark instead of learning to navigate this new way in this new medium of vision.
But I feel the health of this choice--don't you?
I feel freedom and something like hope, and belief I can really be done this time for good. For good.
Life is out there waiting for us to grow into it again.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Glad to hear you've made the decision Obladi. I tried desperately to outthink/outsmart/overpower my addiction for many years too. And just like you I had lots and lots of people around me who could see everything clearly, yet I didn't listen to much of what they said. Sure I heard it, but I kept clinging to the hope that I was somehow unique and could "win" the battle to control my drinking.
It was quite empowering when I finally realized that quitting drinking was not in any way a "loss" - nor an indicator that I was somehow weaker or inferior. I'm just different in my relationship with alcohol. Just like some people are allergic to peanuts or more prone to anxiety. And that ultimately I have the power to make positive change in my life. You do too and I'm glad you are heading down that road.
It was quite empowering when I finally realized that quitting drinking was not in any way a "loss" - nor an indicator that I was somehow weaker or inferior. I'm just different in my relationship with alcohol. Just like some people are allergic to peanuts or more prone to anxiety. And that ultimately I have the power to make positive change in my life. You do too and I'm glad you are heading down that road.
Life Goes On
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
Sometimes I still feel a little like a bat who wants their comfort zone of sonar and dark instead of learning to navigate this new way in this new medium of vision.
But I feel the health of this choice--don't you?
I feel freedom and something like hope, and belief I can really be done this time for good. For good.
Life is out there waiting for us to grow into it again.
But I feel the health of this choice--don't you?
I feel freedom and something like hope, and belief I can really be done this time for good. For good.
Life is out there waiting for us to grow into it again.
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Sure I heard it, but I kept clinging to the hope that I was somehow unique and could "win" the battle to control my drinking.
Originally Posted by fini
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Hi O, another wildly analytical and philosophlical woman here. I don't recall interacting with you... I was in this forum between 2014 and 2016 mostly. Have you read through the Authenticity threads with RobbyRobot? That was my "SR prime" if we can say that. But just another tendency to excess... of philosophy, of existentialism, of trying to exceed...
Not sure we have ever met before. I have been sober for a few years now, using a mix of methods. SR, AA, RR, rehabs. Pretty much everything I have also posted so much *** and also many interesting things before. Former user name "Aellyce"" What is your current strategy?
Best wishes,
Aellyce
Not sure we have ever met before. I have been sober for a few years now, using a mix of methods. SR, AA, RR, rehabs. Pretty much everything
I have also posted so much *** and also many interesting things before. Former user name "Aellyce"" What is your current strategy?Best wishes,
Aellyce
Life Goes On
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Hi Aellyce, I think I remember seeing you around, but I don't think we've ever had any interactions. Welcome to my tiny corner of the web! Pull up a chair and chat awhile. I read a lot of Robbie back in the day, but he was capable of bending even my twisted brain. I think I found it hard to keep up with the Authenticity thread. Perhaps I will go back and read it one day. I'm really glad to know that you've been sober for a couple of years. Congratulations!
My "strategy" is to never drink again and never change my mind. Took years to get there, but yeah somehow now it's as Simple as that. I do see a therapist who has upped our sessions for a month or so based on my unprecedented turn-about. He and I have also made a plan about what the on-call therapist should do to help me should I ever have the need to have someone talk me out of the brilliant idea to drink again. But really, I feel free of it. There is no pull in me whatsoever to go back to that insanity. No ambivalence, no argument going on in my head, just the entirely predictable momentary urges that I disregard. Sometimes out loud, but mostly not.
One of the best things about Now - and there are many - is that I am not putting on a brave face, not trying to do what I think everyone else thinks I ought to do. I mean, sure everyone who knows how I used to drink certainly thought (knew) I should quit. But I didn't stop and haven't stayed stopped to please or mollify anyone. I'm just done. And losing that anvil that was tied around my neck is just as good as it's cracked up to be.
I've also done SR, AA, rehab (inpatient and outpatient), and RR. I'm toying with the idea of visiting a local (!) Refuge Recovery meeting. Kind of chicken about the whole thing, but also very curious. We shall see.
Good to meet you!
------------------------
Hey, Cow - good to see you.
My "strategy" is to never drink again and never change my mind. Took years to get there, but yeah somehow now it's as Simple as that. I do see a therapist who has upped our sessions for a month or so based on my unprecedented turn-about. He and I have also made a plan about what the on-call therapist should do to help me should I ever have the need to have someone talk me out of the brilliant idea to drink again. But really, I feel free of it. There is no pull in me whatsoever to go back to that insanity. No ambivalence, no argument going on in my head, just the entirely predictable momentary urges that I disregard. Sometimes out loud, but mostly not.
One of the best things about Now - and there are many - is that I am not putting on a brave face, not trying to do what I think everyone else thinks I ought to do. I mean, sure everyone who knows how I used to drink certainly thought (knew) I should quit. But I didn't stop and haven't stayed stopped to please or mollify anyone. I'm just done. And losing that anvil that was tied around my neck is just as good as it's cracked up to be.
I've also done SR, AA, rehab (inpatient and outpatient), and RR. I'm toying with the idea of visiting a local (!) Refuge Recovery meeting. Kind of chicken about the whole thing, but also very curious. We shall see.
Good to meet you!
------------------------
Hey, Cow - good to see you.
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“ There is no pull in me whatsoever to go back to that insanity. No ambivalence, no argument going on in my head, just the entirely predictable momentary urges that I disregard.“
yes; this is very much how it has been for me (only i interrogate the urges instead of disregarding), and i am so happy to hear the clear distinction you are making/experiencing between “pull” and “momentary urge”.
exactly.
i like the title of your new thread.
yes; this is very much how it has been for me (only i interrogate the urges instead of disregarding), and i am so happy to hear the clear distinction you are making/experiencing between “pull” and “momentary urge”.
exactly.
i like the title of your new thread.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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RobbyRobot was sort of a second and unintended, unexpected "father" for me here. He died around the same time my own beloved dad died, in 2015. It was a bizarre but extremely meaningful time in my life. I believe some SR "old timers" will concur with their experience.
In terms of intellectualizing addiction - I continue to do that in that I do research on addiction, as a career. Research on addiction and this is my day job Not alcohol (my DOC, I would not want to work on something so close to me) but addiction and related neuropsychyatric issues. So, plenty of intellectualization every single day. I have been doing this research for almost 10 years now - long before I got sober, in early sobriety, and still long beyond. I love it. Perhaps this is my my form of what Dee and others do on SR...
In terms of staying sober though, my knowledge about how addiction works in the brain did help me to inhibit my alcohol cravings (I know many people on SR will will have a different view, but for me, knowledge was indeed power and it continues to be). Handling the cravings was pretty much THE challenge for me. My cravings were insane, almost out of this world, very frequent and stubborn, and extremely difficult to overcome and handle. Of course I was also a chronic relapser, like most of us. If you are anything like me and recently sober, fasten your seatbelt - it is not going to be easy. I can tell you though the same old boring thing: it'll be worth all the pain .
BTW, I love the thread title
In terms of intellectualizing addiction - I continue to do that in that I do research on addiction, as a career. Research on addiction and this is my day job
Not alcohol (my DOC, I would not want to work on something so close to me) but addiction and related neuropsychyatric issues. So, plenty of intellectualization every single day. I have been doing this research for almost 10 years now - long before I got sober, in early sobriety, and still long beyond. I love it. Perhaps this is my my form of what Dee and others do on SR...In terms of staying sober though, my knowledge about how addiction works in the brain did help me to inhibit my alcohol cravings (I know many people on SR will will have a different view, but for me, knowledge was indeed power and it continues to be). Handling the cravings was pretty much THE challenge for me. My cravings were insane, almost out of this world, very frequent and stubborn, and extremely difficult to overcome and handle. Of course I was also a chronic relapser, like most of us. If you are anything like me and recently sober, fasten your seatbelt - it is not going to be easy. I can tell you though the same old boring thing: it'll be worth all the pain .
BTW, I love the thread title
Life Goes On
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Thanks, fini, dee. I feel a bit like I've emerged from the wilds of the jungle where I'd spent years fighting to survive. But all along there was a subdivision within easy walking range! And now, a couple of weeks later, I shake my head with wonder that I'm back home living a "normal" life.
Oh, Aellyce, don't get me wrong. I don't think there's a chance in the world I'm going to lose the intellectualism. It's an integral part of who I am, and I rather like thinking academically. Some people have an issue with that. While I used to feel self-conscious about it, I'm gonna let that go because I yam who I yam. HOWEVER, I am done with allowing my addiction to use my intellect to justify drinking. That's a crazy (if effective) twisted use of my own brain. I agree with the notion that knowledge is power - the essential piece is how that power is employed, right? Like your work with addiction - not only is it clearly extremely engaging, but I'd guess that it's a way to live a life with integrity every day. That's a proper use of intellect.
I left the crystal ball at my country manor, but at the moment I don't see any signs of really struggling with sobriety. Sure, I anticipate that those things that gave me plausible excuses still need to be dealt with and that is likely to be very challenging - I just think I can handle it sober now. Actually I'm convinced that's the only way I really am going to be able to see my way through to self-actualization.
I'm not sure that when I created the title for this thread that I read it both ways, but now I like it too.
p.s. The last real run I had at sobriety lasted something like 60 days. I certainly know that vigilance will be required to take me beyond that. I think I've come to realize that keeping an eye out for "the beast" at all times (not at any magic milestone) is what's going to carry me through.
Oh, Aellyce, don't get me wrong. I don't think there's a chance in the world I'm going to lose the intellectualism. It's an integral part of who I am, and I rather like thinking academically. Some people have an issue with that. While I used to feel self-conscious about it, I'm gonna let that go because I yam who I yam. HOWEVER, I am done with allowing my addiction to use my intellect to justify drinking. That's a crazy (if effective) twisted use of my own brain. I agree with the notion that knowledge is power - the essential piece is how that power is employed, right? Like your work with addiction - not only is it clearly extremely engaging, but I'd guess that it's a way to live a life with integrity every day. That's a proper use of intellect.
I left the crystal ball at my country manor, but at the moment I don't see any signs of really struggling with sobriety. Sure, I anticipate that those things that gave me plausible excuses still need to be dealt with and that is likely to be very challenging - I just think I can handle it sober now. Actually I'm convinced that's the only way I really am going to be able to see my way through to self-actualization.
I'm not sure that when I created the title for this thread that I read it both ways, but now I like it too.
p.s. The last real run I had at sobriety lasted something like 60 days. I certainly know that vigilance will be required to take me beyond that. I think I've come to realize that keeping an eye out for "the beast" at all times (not at any magic milestone) is what's going to carry me through.
Life Goes On
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- I sleep at least six hours straight through the night now
- my boss says "you seem better this week" (thinking or pretending we're only talking about sleep)
- this is the second Friday I've taken recycling to the curb without the need to hide the liquor bottles amongst the other rubbish
- my short-term memory is better already
- I can write again
- I no longer have that uneasy feeling that people I interact with in the morning might detect alcohol on my breath or take note of the shakiness of my hands/voice
No doubt there is more, but I need to get off to those morning people now!
- my boss says "you seem better this week" (thinking or pretending we're only talking about sleep)
- this is the second Friday I've taken recycling to the curb without the need to hide the liquor bottles amongst the other rubbish
- my short-term memory is better already
- I can write again
- I no longer have that uneasy feeling that people I interact with in the morning might detect alcohol on my breath or take note of the shakiness of my hands/voice
No doubt there is more, but I need to get off to those morning people now!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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The sense of groundedness and stability, feelings of "positive" in-alignment Peace are some sober gifts I treasure greatly.
These took the fear-factor out of letting go of the bottle.
And the wonderful sleep, many hours of restful sleep with "normal" dreams--that I will never ever take for granted again.
Good to see you so upbeat O
Weekend projects and pampering?
Some nice gourmet meals and perhaps some giant tree-trimming?
That's another great bonus--how long the weekend actually is and how much it is possible to do, think, prepare, and enjoy during that time
These took the fear-factor out of letting go of the bottle.
And the wonderful sleep, many hours of restful sleep with "normal" dreams--that I will never ever take for granted again.
Good to see you so upbeat O
Weekend projects and pampering?
Some nice gourmet meals and perhaps some giant tree-trimming?
That's another great bonus--how long the weekend actually is and how much it is possible to do, think, prepare, and enjoy during that time
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Yes, being able to live a healthy and balanced life after all those years of the opposite is definitely a great relief and joy.
One of my biggest problems during my drinking, and also quite a bit in early sobriety, was that I very much misused my intellect for pointless, excessive distractions and escapes, while neglecting important and useful things. I even misused this forum that way in the past, or therapy - why I closed my account a couple times before. It wasn't so intelligent or mature at all and took me a while to shred the habits, but I feel that there has been a very significant change for me in terms of how much I tend to get stuck in analysis paralysis and distraction. It is quite interesting because it's not even appealing for me now to spend a great deal of time thinking and dissecting things just for the sake of it, or to escape, if it is not useful and practical somehow. I don't think this is necessarily related to drinking per se, perhaps more aging and changing priorities. But alcoholic drinking definitely does bad things to the brain, my thought processes and my motivations for using my mind were often excessively eccentric, manic, high-strung, and ineffective. That was definitely the effect of alcohol and also, I think, of the social isolation that was very characteristic of my heavy drinking years. It also often led to an emotional roller coaster, which was not like me at all before drinking became an issue and now in sustained sobriety. I remember doing some psychiatric assessments when I was an alcoholic drinker and I reached diagnostic criteria (or almost) for a few disorders. Now it is only some generalized anxiety, which I have always had, but very manageable and I don't take any meds or receive any psych treatment. Living a balanced, productive life pretty much fixed my issues but it took a while as I really struggled with discipline for a long time even in sobriety, and had to learn some better strategies almost from scratch that I should have learned in my youth but never did.
It is great that you don't find staying sober difficult right now. I would be prepared for some challenges down the road though as sometimes unexpected things can precipitate cravings and poor judgment. Or just good old stress. SR has so much great info on how to handle the desire to drink!
One of my biggest problems during my drinking, and also quite a bit in early sobriety, was that I very much misused my intellect for pointless, excessive distractions and escapes, while neglecting important and useful things. I even misused this forum that way in the past, or therapy - why I closed my account a couple times before. It wasn't so intelligent or mature at all and took me a while to shred the habits, but I feel that there has been a very significant change for me in terms of how much I tend to get stuck in analysis paralysis and distraction. It is quite interesting because it's not even appealing for me now to spend a great deal of time thinking and dissecting things just for the sake of it, or to escape, if it is not useful and practical somehow. I don't think this is necessarily related to drinking per se, perhaps more aging and changing priorities. But alcoholic drinking definitely does bad things to the brain, my thought processes and my motivations for using my mind were often excessively eccentric, manic, high-strung, and ineffective. That was definitely the effect of alcohol and also, I think, of the social isolation that was very characteristic of my heavy drinking years. It also often led to an emotional roller coaster, which was not like me at all before drinking became an issue and now in sustained sobriety. I remember doing some psychiatric assessments when I was an alcoholic drinker and I reached diagnostic criteria (or almost) for a few disorders. Now it is only some generalized anxiety, which I have always had, but very manageable and I don't take any meds or receive any psych treatment. Living a balanced, productive life pretty much fixed my issues but it took a while as I really struggled with discipline for a long time even in sobriety, and had to learn some better strategies almost from scratch that I should have learned in my youth but never did.
It is great that you don't find staying sober difficult right now. I would be prepared for some challenges down the road though as sometimes unexpected things can precipitate cravings and poor judgment. Or just good old stress. SR has so much great info on how to handle the desire to drink!
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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No weekend projects planned, Hawk. I see my therapist tomorrow morning and will be helping youngest with her taxes sometime later in the day. Her birthday is Sunday, and eldest is planning for an outing with us all, after 7pm (egods). Aside from that, I'm gonna go with the flow and do what strikes me as the next do-able thing. Check back regularly for updates.
Aellyce, I'm glad that you and Hawk both talk about finding balance. It's something I feel fully capable of doing, and laying off the booze has taken me a long way already. I'm sure in great part that's because I'm still pretty insulated in my little world - and that's ok by me. It will take a lot of work for me to reach outside of myself toward anyone new in my life in the wider non-virtual world; that's far, far too risky for me.
I am a dual-diagnosis (tri-diagnosis?) gal, certified by a shrink and everything. Alcohol Use Disorder (obviously), major depression and anxiety. With that first diagnosis wiped off the list (or perhaps listed as "in remission") and with a therapist that I really trust and like, I'm hoping to get beyond or learn how to deal effectively with the others. I was taking a boatload of medication before and stopped taking them all each time I started drinking again. My doctor started me up again on just gabapentin (anxiety), zoloft (anxiety/depression), and trazodone (sleep). I'm fairly anxious much of the time, but they tell me this is sometimes a side affect of starting up on the zoloft. Ironic, isn't it? The side affect is what it's supposed to be treating. But if you read the package inserts (I do), that seems to be true of many medications. It's been helpful in the past, so I'm going with it.
fini, I was imagining you on my drive home, sitting in your favorite chair, peacefully knitting away. Is it a rocking chair? You know, I can't even imagine you as a drinking person though you assure me you were. I hope one day someone will be able to say that to me. I thought about "interrogating the urges," and I get that. For me, that can wait until a later time. For now, I think I just need to continue carving the new "I don't drink" pathways in my brain. (Not that you were suggesting otherwise - I was just contemplating what you said.)
Aellyce, I'm glad that you and Hawk both talk about finding balance. It's something I feel fully capable of doing, and laying off the booze has taken me a long way already. I'm sure in great part that's because I'm still pretty insulated in my little world - and that's ok by me. It will take a lot of work for me to reach outside of myself toward anyone new in my life in the wider non-virtual world; that's far, far too risky for me.
I am a dual-diagnosis (tri-diagnosis?) gal, certified by a shrink and everything. Alcohol Use Disorder (obviously), major depression and anxiety. With that first diagnosis wiped off the list (or perhaps listed as "in remission") and with a therapist that I really trust and like, I'm hoping to get beyond or learn how to deal effectively with the others. I was taking a boatload of medication before and stopped taking them all each time I started drinking again. My doctor started me up again on just gabapentin (anxiety), zoloft (anxiety/depression), and trazodone (sleep). I'm fairly anxious much of the time, but they tell me this is sometimes a side affect of starting up on the zoloft. Ironic, isn't it? The side affect is what it's supposed to be treating. But if you read the package inserts (I do), that seems to be true of many medications. It's been helpful in the past, so I'm going with it.
fini, I was imagining you on my drive home, sitting in your favorite chair, peacefully knitting away. Is it a rocking chair? You know, I can't even imagine you as a drinking person though you assure me you were. I hope one day someone will be able to say that to me. I thought about "interrogating the urges," and I get that. For me, that can wait until a later time. For now, I think I just need to continue carving the new "I don't drink" pathways in my brain. (Not that you were suggesting otherwise - I was just contemplating what you said.)
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hi O,
no, i do not sit in a rocking chair to knit, though i do have one. now. it is a light golden wooden one, the one my dad bought for my mom when i was born, even though they really couldn’t afford it.
it is totally lovely and comfy, but not cuddly.
it was the only thing i had really REALLY wanted of my parents’ belongings after they both died, and i did get it (others wanted other things, first and foremost) but don’t use it much. still don’t know how to use attachments here or i would send a photo.
so i knit on my couch, which is in dire need of being replaced.
the urges (well, i don’t get them anymore, really, though the other day suddenly wanted a cigarette (not really, of course)) i interrogate solely because i want to get to what’s “behind” them. because i know, for example, that the momentary urge manifesting as “wannagottasmoke!!” had nothing to do with cigarettes but was about feeling nostalgic at that moment, combined with missing that particular sunny afternoon visiting feeling and hanging out with someone in their yard...a combo of missing and memory.
yes yes yes, keep carving that sober pathway any way you can.
no, i do not sit in a rocking chair to knit, though i do have one. now. it is a light golden wooden one, the one my dad bought for my mom when i was born, even though they really couldn’t afford it.
it is totally lovely and comfy, but not cuddly.
it was the only thing i had really REALLY wanted of my parents’ belongings after they both died, and i did get it (others wanted other things, first and foremost) but don’t use it much. still don’t know how to use attachments here or i would send a photo.
so i knit on my couch, which is in dire need of being replaced.
the urges (well, i don’t get them anymore, really, though the other day suddenly wanted a cigarette (not really, of course)) i interrogate solely because i want to get to what’s “behind” them. because i know, for example, that the momentary urge manifesting as “wannagottasmoke!!” had nothing to do with cigarettes but was about feeling nostalgic at that moment, combined with missing that particular sunny afternoon visiting feeling and hanging out with someone in their yard...a combo of missing and memory.
yes yes yes, keep carving that sober pathway any way you can.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
- I can sign my name legibly
- when I wake up at 0415, it's not because I need another drink, it's because I've slept enough
- my face has become a healthy skin tone and is no longer puffy
fini, I'm glad you got the rocking chair. I've only done the estate thing once, when my grandmother died. Totally hated the free-for-all-ness of that event, but came away with a trinket that I treasure and that was sufficient. Hope you're able to replace that couch soon.
Aellyce, I didn't ignore your warning to watch out for trouble down the road, I just needed to think on it more because I thought I'd already addressed that by saying that I anticipate challenges. As you've mentioned this a couple of times, I think maybe you're meaning I really really need to be prepared. But how would you propose that I do that, aside from the things I am doing? Not drinking, being mindful of urges and separating from them, taking my medication, making a contingency plan with the therapist and seeing him twice weekly, posting here - what more? Oh, I'm also getting a Vivitrol injection Monday; not because I feel that I need it, but more because what's the harm? I'm really curious about your thoughts on this.
I did indeed wake up at 0415 today and have managed to while away the better part of 5 hours since. I thought about how I wasn't drinking and how pleasant it is and how I don't miss it in the least. It's peculiar and wonderful to not remember how "great" it was. Because in the end it really wasn't. I read an article Mummyto2 posted on the Newcomers thread and this rang true:, I wanted to drink for precisely the same reason that I didn’t want to drink – because I had a drinking problem. Solution? Don't drink. It reminds me of the Bob Newhart sketch "Stop it!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BjKS1-vjPs
- when I wake up at 0415, it's not because I need another drink, it's because I've slept enough
- my face has become a healthy skin tone and is no longer puffy
fini, I'm glad you got the rocking chair. I've only done the estate thing once, when my grandmother died. Totally hated the free-for-all-ness of that event, but came away with a trinket that I treasure and that was sufficient. Hope you're able to replace that couch soon.
Aellyce, I didn't ignore your warning to watch out for trouble down the road, I just needed to think on it more because I thought I'd already addressed that by saying that I anticipate challenges. As you've mentioned this a couple of times, I think maybe you're meaning I really really need to be prepared. But how would you propose that I do that, aside from the things I am doing? Not drinking, being mindful of urges and separating from them, taking my medication, making a contingency plan with the therapist and seeing him twice weekly, posting here - what more? Oh, I'm also getting a Vivitrol injection Monday; not because I feel that I need it, but more because what's the harm? I'm really curious about your thoughts on this.
I did indeed wake up at 0415 today and have managed to while away the better part of 5 hours since. I thought about how I wasn't drinking and how pleasant it is and how I don't miss it in the least. It's peculiar and wonderful to not remember how "great" it was. Because in the end it really wasn't. I read an article Mummyto2 posted on the Newcomers thread and this rang true:, I wanted to drink for precisely the same reason that I didn’t want to drink – because I had a drinking problem. Solution? Don't drink. It reminds me of the Bob Newhart sketch "Stop it!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BjKS1-vjPs
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I did not want to be dismissive, apologies if it came across a bit like that. Just emphasized those things because my experience with drinking urges in the beginning was pretty hard, with fluctuating patterns of confidence developing fast / seemingly no desire and periods when I needed every resource (inside and out) to get through the desires of my mind. Also because I read some of your old posts/threads about recurring relapses. Some people in recovery or recovered from alcoholism say that something just changed dramatically for them when they finally took sobriety seriously and they lost all the desire to drink. Many people who found AA life-changing, for example. Or made a Big Plan and no more relapses ever. I think those sudden turnovers are truly wonderful when they happen.
On the Vivitrol treatment, we can't get too detailed about medical stuff on this forum but I wish I had given a try to it in the past because intense momentary cravings and impulses were pretty much the only way I broke my determination and I wasted so much time. Many people have it broader, like they are generally unhappy, can't imagine handling certain aspects of life without drinking, spiritually lost etc. I don't think I had those challenges much, for me it was acting out the intense cravings in the moment. I probably would have been a good candidate to try anti-craving meds even though there isn't any effective way currently to predict whether it will work for someone or not. It does nothing for many people but can be moderately or very helpful to some, it's an interaction between the med and individual biological background that we do not know fully or even too well about ourselves. I know that some people in recovery circuits are quite against using medication to alleviate urges, claiming that we do not effectively learn how to cope naturally. But then why to take meds for something like depression even? I am not a fan of fear-based medically increased inhibition (e.g. Antabuse) though.
Fini's bringing up smoking reminded me of something important about the mental associations involved in urges and their power early on. It is about time and how the memories and associations weaken over time if they are no longer reinforced at all. I also smoked in the past, for about 20 years. It was never a strong addiction for me and I could leave it pretty easily then restart. I finally gave it up for good about 10 years ago and have not had any desire for a cig after the first year or so without it and even then it wasn't frequent or strong, nothing like alcohol. Interesting, because now I can't even recall what it felt like to smoke other than the smell and physical feeling of inhaling it. I don't remember what I liked in it, not even in situations that closely resemble my old typical smoking environments or when someone smokes next to me. I can't imagine putting a cig in my mouth and lighting it again and the whole habit sounds kinda bizarre. This is definitely not the case about drinking alcohol yet, that I can recall pretty well how it felt, including the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapses. Of course not as intensely as when I was only a few weeks or months sober, but it is still intact. Maybe those memories will also fade with time quite completely, just like about smoking.
The balanced life involving many positive and fulfilling elements works so well as it provides natural and healthy pleasure vs. the alcoholic/addicted life that is typically deprived in so many ways. Balanced life including many healthy and productive activities, not merely emotional content and acceptance of limits and hardships. For me, if I were asked now what my most effective recovery method was, that's what I would name: a balanced, productive, connected lifestyle. I personally don't even see many reasons for minimizing too much in early sobriety and focusing only (or mainly) on staying sober - I tried that as well in my first attempt, and I could abstain, but was still restless and remained mentally very turbulent, still had many bad habits and sub-optimal circumstances that I did not improve (I guess this is what some people call a dry drunk and similar). Of course it is not a good idea either to suddenly take on too many things and engage in all sorts of activities just for the sake of it - that is another form of escape IMO and often leads to burnout or the development of other bad habits.
As for relapse prevention and actual recovery program, I personally found SMART the most relatable and helpful for me, both the meetings and the overall resources and views. It naturally clicks well with my personality and values, has strong practical elements and strategies that can be applied pretty well to any goal not just stopping an addiction, and it encourages building effective confidence and resourcefulness. I also think it is very good for many people to make a strong determination and stop looking for potential holes, stop second guessing, anticipating negative scenarios, dwelling on the past etc. Then many suggest that we should actually go against our natural inclinations, use methods that are unfamiliar and not so easy to relate to initially and trust it will change how we deal with life and ourselves, like the first parts of the 12-step program. The latter can also be good for people who have issues with trust, I believe.
Sober mornings are the best, I doubt I will ever stop appreciating them!
On the Vivitrol treatment, we can't get too detailed about medical stuff on this forum but I wish I had given a try to it in the past because intense momentary cravings and impulses were pretty much the only way I broke my determination and I wasted so much time. Many people have it broader, like they are generally unhappy, can't imagine handling certain aspects of life without drinking, spiritually lost etc. I don't think I had those challenges much, for me it was acting out the intense cravings in the moment. I probably would have been a good candidate to try anti-craving meds even though there isn't any effective way currently to predict whether it will work for someone or not. It does nothing for many people but can be moderately or very helpful to some, it's an interaction between the med and individual biological background that we do not know fully or even too well about ourselves. I know that some people in recovery circuits are quite against using medication to alleviate urges, claiming that we do not effectively learn how to cope naturally. But then why to take meds for something like depression even? I am not a fan of fear-based medically increased inhibition (e.g. Antabuse) though.
Fini's bringing up smoking reminded me of something important about the mental associations involved in urges and their power early on. It is about time and how the memories and associations weaken over time if they are no longer reinforced at all. I also smoked in the past, for about 20 years. It was never a strong addiction for me and I could leave it pretty easily then restart. I finally gave it up for good about 10 years ago and have not had any desire for a cig after the first year or so without it and even then it wasn't frequent or strong, nothing like alcohol. Interesting, because now I can't even recall what it felt like to smoke other than the smell and physical feeling of inhaling it. I don't remember what I liked in it, not even in situations that closely resemble my old typical smoking environments or when someone smokes next to me. I can't imagine putting a cig in my mouth and lighting it again and the whole habit sounds kinda bizarre. This is definitely not the case about drinking alcohol yet, that I can recall pretty well how it felt, including the thoughts and feelings that lead to relapses. Of course not as intensely as when I was only a few weeks or months sober, but it is still intact. Maybe those memories will also fade with time quite completely, just like about smoking.
The balanced life involving many positive and fulfilling elements works so well as it provides natural and healthy pleasure vs. the alcoholic/addicted life that is typically deprived in so many ways. Balanced life including many healthy and productive activities, not merely emotional content and acceptance of limits and hardships. For me, if I were asked now what my most effective recovery method was, that's what I would name: a balanced, productive, connected lifestyle. I personally don't even see many reasons for minimizing too much in early sobriety and focusing only (or mainly) on staying sober - I tried that as well in my first attempt, and I could abstain, but was still restless and remained mentally very turbulent, still had many bad habits and sub-optimal circumstances that I did not improve (I guess this is what some people call a dry drunk and similar). Of course it is not a good idea either to suddenly take on too many things and engage in all sorts of activities just for the sake of it - that is another form of escape IMO and often leads to burnout or the development of other bad habits.
As for relapse prevention and actual recovery program, I personally found SMART the most relatable and helpful for me, both the meetings and the overall resources and views. It naturally clicks well with my personality and values, has strong practical elements and strategies that can be applied pretty well to any goal not just stopping an addiction, and it encourages building effective confidence and resourcefulness. I also think it is very good for many people to make a strong determination and stop looking for potential holes, stop second guessing, anticipating negative scenarios, dwelling on the past etc. Then many suggest that we should actually go against our natural inclinations, use methods that are unfamiliar and not so easy to relate to initially and trust it will change how we deal with life and ourselves, like the first parts of the 12-step program. The latter can also be good for people who have issues with trust, I believe.
Sober mornings are the best, I doubt I will ever stop appreciating them!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
This is so cool : -- I still can't, but not because of the shakes any more.
-- never gets old
Obladi, congrats on the most important decision of your life. You're done, You rock!
Originally Posted by Obladi
- I can sign my name legibly
Originally Posted by Obladi
Obladi, congrats on the most important decision of your life. You're done, You rock!
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