dwtbd

"Thoughts about drinking"?
like 'hmm I'd like to be drunk, not gonna, but hmm'
or 'a month ago I'd be heading to the store about now' ?

PhoenixJ

I think the biggie for me is thinking with new input. From counsellor, psychologist- the stories here. That way-it is not just 'intellectualising', but indicative of growth.

dwtbd

I don't think there are any dangers or risks to thinking about drinking in general or even thoughts about myself taking actions like drinking.

I used to think that was problematic.

Obladi

Much more generalized. Sort of like... *ping* to go to that one liquor store, I would take this exit - but that makes no nevermind to me anymore... *ping* it's 5pm and adrinkwouldbenicebutIdon'tdrinknow... Sort of like whispers of a memory that might not serve any purpose aside to remind me that I am in a constant state of not drinking. It's not any more bother to me than it would be if I were to occasionally encounter a fly that's taken up residence in my house.

Obladi

This is a bit of a brain-twister. I'm tired of thinking about some things and trying to escape that most assuredly contributed to my drinking. Those incessant noisy memories of things I can't fix now: "I shoulda done this. I can't believe he did that. If only I'd trusted myself. I never had a fighting chance because of xyz. Blah blah blah blah blah." Stuff we've touched on in therapy but never really resolved because I was too busy getting pickled. This is the stuff I need to learn to really accept in some way or another to become a healthy grown person.

Other types of thinking and meandering thoughts are quite pleasant. I've been able to experience that again in the last weeks. I most especially enjoy the moments when I have a thought and immediately say to myself "hold it, back it up a minute" and then have a good internal chuckle at how ridiculous my thinking can be.

Yeah, Phoenix, I echo that. Although I do tend to intellectualize things, I've come to dislike that activity for its own sake. I have a colleague who is forever coming up with implausible explanations for any question posed to him. He's a lovely man, but when he starts down that road, I just want to close my ears and walk away. Maybe its one of those things where I recognize something I don't like about myself - could be.

There's a bar with outside seating downstairs from where I work. It was a lovely afternoon and I noticed two young women having a drink and a very friendly chat. I thought, "That looks really nice. But that's not ever happening again for me." It wasn't a sad thing at all, but I did notice the clear duality of those two thoughts. Thinking about it now ( ), I realize that what looked really nice was the very friendly chat. It's been many years since I've experienced that and even more since I've done it without alcohol involved. *sigh* I'll get there.

Obladi

When I came home after my favorite brother died two months ago, a neighbor that I don't know came knocking at my door bearing a beautiful live plant arrangement sent by my workplace. Someone had delivered it to him and asked that he watch for me to come home. I was really touched by that; the plant and that this guy who had no idea what was going on in my life did a small but very kind favor.

I worried about that plant. I've never been really good at keeping greenery alive. I had this fatalistic notion that the thing would die and it would be just another failure in my alcohol-sodden life, and an insult to the memory of my brother to boot. But. I've been watering it on a regular basis, turning it to to help it grow more evenly, picking dead leaves out... just tending to it. Now that it seems it will thrive, I've ordered a plant stand to hold it. No idea where it will go, but I'm happy at the thought of having a dedicated place for this living tribute.

The slow incremental changes I'm making feel like they are moving at light speed. Only three and a half weeks ago I was in a very dark and desperate place. The visceral memory of that has faded. Thinking back to that time, I feel a lot of compassion for that woman I was. It hasn't arrived yet, but I feel like somewhere out in the distance there is a place where I will start to feel some hope for a happy life. For now, I'll settle on where I am - contented enough.

fini

"....just tending to it "
that right there might be the secret to a good life. whether plant or human

Hawkeye13

You're the plant O--tending yourself will help you thrive.

Life is one big lovely metaphor

Obladi

Thanks, guys.


Earlier Today...
Me: Hey! I've put in enough hours, I could leave at 3 today!
AV: Yay! School's out, let's drink!
Me: Uh, I don't drink anymore.
AV: Oh. Hmm.

I left work around 5 and am now wondering where the last couple of hours have gone. It's weird that I wonder what I'll do with my time and manage to fill it quite sufficiently.

p.s. I don't drink anymore, so did not ponder on the location of liquor stores on my way home. I think giving the AV a firm "no" preempted Friday drive time anxiety.

Obladi

Up at 3am today, despite having gone to bed at the now very late (to me) hour of 11pm. A little bit of a funk came over me around 6am but its left me now that I've spent some time out of the house. I'm not motivated to do anything else today, and I'm going to let that be ok. If I eat, take my medication, make my bed, do the dishes and clean the cat box every day, that's good. If I do any single additional thing, that's really good.

Saw my therapist and first thing he said was, "Look what I got!" It was the Rational Recovery book. What a good guy.

I'm watching the first season of Married at First Sight, a show I've never seen before. This really calls for a pint of chocolate ice cream, but I'll settle for my hard boiled eggs. Maybe I'll make them into deviled eggs - whooooo.

Obladi

Turns out that only the first season of that show is on Amazon. Serious binge-watching dreams crushed.

So, another weekend sober and what do I have to show for it? Not much more than I did last weekend or the one prior. I was going to say that I know I should be working on filling in the emptiness that's starting to feel crowd in on me, but just now remembered fini's suggestion that being in it might just be the thing to do. If that's the case, then I'll claim limited "success," and make a small goal that's compatible.

Crazy how intimidating that last thought is.

Ok..... Here goes. Turning it from a goal to a determination: I will forgo spending time in my bedroom until at least 8pm each night. Doesn't sound like a big deal, right? It kind of is.

On the upside, I paid bills on Saturday, then calculated how much I would need to transfer from savings to checking. I looked at the last two weeks worth of spending and, much to my surprise, found that I'd "only" spent $350. I figure I used to spend at least $150 in the same time period for booze, so even with indulgences I think I'm ahead.

Didn't do taxes yet, of course. I'll probably have to pay, so let's go with the theory that this procrastination is a practical matter.

Hawkeye13

You've got sobriety to "show" for it and that's plenty right now.

Besides, your pants are falling off slowly--boiled eggs will do that.

Be with the lull-all is well

Aellyce

Those small, gradual habit alterations can be some of the most effective changes in early sobriety, IMO They add up quickly (like the $ not wasted on a bank account) and then it'll show boldly when we look back and reflect on the dynamics of our lives. It is also often the safest method to make small gradual changes vs. big ones all at once, less risky and more likely to succeed and last. Maybe I am just rationalizing here being slow and worrying. One can still set larger goals, I think, just need to accept that working toward them will be a process in smaller steps and smaller rewards. Except eliminating alcohol completely of course, which really is a huge change for most people like us.

That emptiness feeling (or the void, as some like to call it) is something I was very interested in a few years ago. Primarily because I was never prone to it before drinking became a problem, and not even too much while drinking... until I experienced serious depression for the first time which, not surprisingly, coincided with one of my worst periods of drinking back in 2011-12, I think. Then it lingered some, on/off, after I decided to embark on my first good chunk of sobriety. I "liked" to fill it with compulsive thinking, philosophy and the virtual world, including SR. I also had other "sources" as I have always been good at finding similar minds, whatever mental health state/level I am in. There were some pretty extensive and deep discussions on the nature of that proverbial void on this forum several times. What was interesting for me is that once I managed to seriously engage in my everyday life in meaningful, consistent and productive ways, even the occasional emptiness and existential void feelings/angst vanished completely. I have not experienced those states for years now, don't even recall how the last episode was and when exactly. And I don't even do anything particular to avoid those states other than efforts to live a fulfilling life and not get bogged down in momentary moods. I know it is more challenging/persistent for some people though, why feelings of emptiness are also included in the diagnostic criteria for some psych conditions. From what I have observed, for me, it pretty much only arises as a rare symptom of depression and/or a consequence of social isolation if I allow that to happen much.

I have not filed taxes either yet, which is kinda unusual for me in the last few years to wait till April, but took some time to organize the documents last week and have an appointment this week. I actually look forward to it as I like my tax guy and it'll come with a feeling of satisfaction when it's done. Maybe we can genuinely say that sometimes procrastination is a good antidote to impulsive action

Have a good week!

fini

yes, as Hawk says, you have sobriety to show for it. geez, woman!

hm...i don't think i ever suggested to be IN the void but more, hm, to be accepting of it without rushing to try and fill it. more like Hawk's being WITH it.
i had to experience it to get inklings of seeing what might fill it. what it was FOR, in a way.
so many people speak of it, alcoholics or not, and i see the danger for "us" as being in the illusion that drinking will work to fill it, when it does nothing of the sort, of course. it just covers up the awareness of it. which can look very attractive. the covering up, i mean. not the awareness.

Aellyce

I think it varies between individuals what they subjectively mean by that void, I've heard many versions when I asked people to define their experiences. For me in the past, boredom was the closest to my own version. Wanting more stimulation, or more intense and diverse than available to an ordinary brain/mind. I think it was similar to why many people enjoy manic-like states (and if anything, I am more prone to mild versions of that than depression). Of course nothing can achieve the sense of stimulation and mental state alteration alcohol/drugs (a momentarily well-fed AV, so to speak) can, and that fast. But it is a very expensive illusion maker that will sooner or later destroy its own source.

One thing I have been really appreciating and enjoying in getting older (am 45 now) is that my desire for mental stimulation, intensity and novelty has decreased a great deal. I do not perceive simple experiences as ordinary (in a negative sense) or not enough, am not so interested in the eccentric, bizarre, always something new and unconventional anymore. If someone had told me this when I was young, including before I started drinking heavily but engaged in other forms of excess and novelty-seeking, I would have told them to take a hike. In fact I did say that sometimes. Now I often see similar in my younger peers, it is so interesting. Sometimes seeing them gives me a feeling that some might have predispositions to addiction the way I do, and I did bring it up with some, for example when mentoring them if they are trainees working with me. That discussion is usually welcomed but whether it'll have any significant preventive effect... who knows.

Dropsie

I love the analogy of tending to ourselves -- I also related to this -- drinking "just covers up the awareness of it. which can look very attractive. the covering up, i mean. not the awareness." And this "And I don't even do anything particular to avoid those states other than efforts to live a fulfilling life and not get bogged down in momentary moods."

You O folks are good and cool people.

Obladi

You're pretty cool yourself, Dropsie. Well of course you are since you're an original O peep.

fini, of course you're right; I'm sure I paraphrased incorrectly. It's what I interpreted. I guess I was living IN the emptiness for these last many years of drinking, now I am undertaking the task of living WITH it until my path clears up somewhat. Or becomes clear. Thinking on that, perhaps its the same business as separating from the alcohol beast. It's bad news to be one with the thing, but it's something to learn to live with and let dissipate as I form new ways of living.

For me the void is almost literally nothingness. Lacking motivation (or maybe courage) to do anything significant toward becoming the person I'd like to be. Finding it soooo difficult to do things like taking a shower and doing laundry. I do feel like I've added things over the past several weeks that should have been done all along, and it is somewhat less difficult to do the basics . So on the one hand, that's progress and I can see how remarkably different it is than it was before. But on the other hand... I guess I'm just impatient. I know intellectually that no real healing was going to happen until I put down the bottle, but this nothingness is something I've carried pretty much all my life and I'm just tired of it.

*End whining.*

It's 8pm and I haven't stepped foot in my bedroom yet. Actually won't see it for another couple of hours as I'm going to be busy helping my youngest with her taxes. I've cooked up a couple of steaks, some chicken for lunch salads, and a week's worth of crustless quiche.

Onward.

Hawk, I carried your "all is well" assurance in my pocket all day. Thanks.

Hawkeye13

My pleasure O

For what it's worth, I'm finding my emptiness isn't as empty as I thought.

Let's chew over that this coming week. . .

fini

for me, i can best express it right now this way: the “void” was in me, not i in it.

what is it you are impatient for, really, O?

Obladi

Yeah that makes sense, fini. I'm impatient to fill the void, maybe? Not with just anything, but things of substance and meaning that feel genuine to me. Let me ruminate on it. I don't suppose you'll tell me what you're looking for until you read my fuller response.

Sure, Hawk. I'm not feeling particularly eloquent on this point. When that's the case, I tend to run out of things to say, but I can give it a go.

Daughter got her taxes done with only a minimum of drama. She has learned to contain her frustration enough to actually reason through to find an answer. That's impressive and I'm glad she's able to do this for herself. She didn't really need much help - I just sat in the same room with her, played on my phone and gave her a bit of advice or encouragement at the appropriate junctures. We've definitely both made progress.

Today will mark a full four weeks.

If I'd been in rehab, I'd be getting discharged today.
I'm glad I didn't go there. I've developed some pretty cynical ideas about that industry, but I'll save those for later.

So yeah anyway, 28 days.