Cosima11

Hey guys I'm back.. not entirely sure what I even wrote in my last post, just sure it was really melodramatic and embarrassing (so please forgive me for not going back to rehash it or respond to anyone who may have commented). I'm fine though, haven't been smoking or taking more xanax or anything else since that day.

I thought maybe I needed a break from this place, not from all you amazing people just from my own looping thoughts.. but I've missed being here. It's really strange how after a year and a half of not drinking, it almost feels like a different lifetime. Like something that happened to someone else. But as much as I wish I could just delve back into life and society and forget about my alcoholism entirely, I know I can't do that. So I'm grateful for this site and the feeling of being understood here.

Nothing much is new but I'm starting to actually enjoy yoga, I've been going 2-3 times a week and am fine with it becoming sort of addicting. It's definitely mind-body-soul and have already started noticing small changes in myself. Work is still frustrating, my love life is still a joke, but when nothing is working externally I can still try to find peace within.

Anyway how's everyone doing here? So happy to see you're still sticking with it O and Cow!!

Obladi

Yay, so happy to see you back!! I'm glad to hear that it was just a one-day thing, too. Yoga sounds lovely.

Cow

Hey all y'all

I am headed up to the cabin tomorrow for a whole month! I got books and stuff to make banana bread. It's my new addiction. That and Scrabble. Who knew adz was a word?! If anybody here plays PM me and I'll give you the link so we can have a game online. The site is free and no ads.

In other news I am having some kind of rebound of my benzo withdrawal symtoms, which sucks, a lot, but I will get through. I'm still tinkering with my diet and my energy is poor, but otherwise I am still doing okay.

How are you all going?

Dropsie

I had a thought yesterday.

What if we treated our other issues (procrasination, money, etc.) just like we do booze. We don't have to figure out the whys and wherefores or otherwise overthink it (which just makes me feel bad anyway). We just need to change the behavior without emotional attachment.

My guru lady always said "do you really need that anymore" - now I finally think I see what she means. And she always tell me to take the easiest way to get anything done, whereas I feel obliged to take the hardest.

Its like Baldwins says, if we dont face it we cant change it -- but I realize that facing it does not need to include figuring our why I self sabotage to create chaos, just treat it like a project -- what practically needs to change then change it. step by step.

When I started this journey I had an emotionally abusive husband, drank, and was a mess with my bills, taxes, and money.

I have now gotten rid of the two hardest, the husband and the drink, so now I just need to do the necessary for the last. It makes me anxious, which means I am definitely on the right track.

Love to all.

Obladi

Right on, Dropsie.

That semi-detached method to dispatch with drinking is a mighty promising approach for dealing with other beasts. (Or as someone said recently, other heads of the same beast.) "It needs to be done, so I'll just do it." I did my 2018 taxes on Sunday, then went right on to finally do 2016. Not sure what overcame me, aside from the thought, "I'm sitting here, so I might as well."

I'm not sure what the trick is to maintain that forward momentum. I used to think it was doing one thing after another in rapid succession, but that is stressful. I think (?) maybe the way to do that is to chisel away at that procrastination list, preventing too much overlap. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of having too many projects in process at the same time. Funny, because I'm just the opposite at work; I thrive on chaos there.

entropy1964

Hi Peeps

Cosima I'm glad you are doing ok. I didn't read any crazy posts from you, maybe I was in Cali at that time and entrenched in my own crazy. But xanax will do that to ya. Love life? Who needs it? Of course I'm going through this weird I'm too old for love phase so don't listen to me. I'm pretty sure one of my fitness class teachers has this 'thing' for me. And its, ehem, interesting. She's a woman, I'm not gay, so I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm oddly drawn to her tho so that's a bit different. I dunno, maybe I'm just nuts. But it is soooo awkward and I don't get awkward. Figure that one out. But I know I can't switch teams so that's out. Ha! Wtf am I babbling about? I guess it feels good that someone finds me interesting, even if it is the wrong sex. And she's gorgeous. Ha! Oh well. Maybe she's looking for a sugar mama. Oh jesus. I'm going to stop now.

Cow, I love banana bread. But it doesn't love me. Sadly I've been really really overdoing it with sugar and carbs and it stops now. Jesus. Talk about switching addictions. I truly have at this point. So no sugar today. I'm not going to kill myself with respect to healthy carbs just yet. Had an orange today with my egg and avo. Just going to kick the chocolate to the curb then take it from there. Have fun at the cabin.

Procrastination. Rut. Self imposed nothingness. Waiting for life to change. Kid moving in a few months. Maybe I'll move to Cali. Still stuck in stuckness. Oh well. Life is peaceful so there is that.

So time to start working on my house. Repair gates, step one. Start picking out stuff for my master bath remodel. Step two...and figuring out how to pay for the 10k it'll cost. Start quoting the kitchen remodel. Just gotta do it. Paint the exterior. Better talk to the bank about an equity loan. Why not? My house looks like some crazy hippy lives in it. Ha! Oh because a crazy hippy DOES live in it.

Peace.

Obladi

Since when are women the wrong sex?

fini

yes, O.
anyway, Frick, i was not gay. at all. nothing like that had occurred to me, though looking back much later i could see i had had a very short crush on a girl in my early teens, which at the time just seemed like one of those temporary intense “things” most of us seemed to go through. shrug.
anyway, in my thirties, i was suddenly oddly drawn to this one particular woman i worked with.
i decided i had two choices: shut that down in me or be willing to be open.
i chose the latter.
wasn’t oddly drawn to another woman until much much later, and have stopped trying to label or fit into “straight”or “gay” and have dropped the “oddly” from “oddly drawn”.
there is no wrong sex. or gender.

Obladi

Amen to that.

When I was at my first (and last, so far) appointment with my new physician, one of her many questions was, of course, what my sexual preference was. Standard question nowadays. I stewed for a bit, then said "I don't know." And I'm fine with that, as fine as I am with contemplating any close relationship anyhow. Which isn't comfortable at all, but I hope will be one day.

Obladi

fini, you hit on one of my pet peeves. I wonder why it is that we say 'sex' instead of 'gender.'

Frick, if you are thinking of moving to Cali, how come you're looking at remodeling? I personally really like hippie houses. If I don't get a tiny house next, my choice after this house would be either a hippie house in a hippie neighborhood OR a small very clean and very new apartment in the city. Wherever I am, I see wood floors, lots of windows, and sparseness all around.

What's your rut like?

fini

"fini, you hit on one of my pet peeves. I wonder why it is that we say 'sex' instead of 'gender.' "
"we" don't
but lots of folk do. ignorance. unwillingness to accept. laziness. fear.
went to an AA meeting last night for someone's anniversary: AA QT, queer and trans, has about thirty regular participants, with all imaginable diversity of 'gender expression' (a term in vogue here)
yep, wood floors and lots of windows would be heavenly!
how is eldest doing?

SoberCAH

When I fill out forms which leave a blank, to be filled in, for Sex, I write "Yes" or "Yes, please".

Obladi

entropy1964

Hi guys

I hope my post didn't offend. It was me just blathering on about something I thought was...I don't know, cute I guess? Or something. I don't know. I'm not interested in either sex, or gender, or whatever. Hell I barely have friends. My dog is my closest friend! And my cat...but he's kind of an azzhole. Soooo, my apologies.

My rut is not knowing whether I'm moving or not. Daughter being on the verge of launching but not just yet. So everything is not just yet, almost, getting there kind of thing. Its like being in limbo. For months. Its ok because life is good and I should just enjoy it. But anxious me doesn't like the uncertainty of it all. Either way I'm going to be moving or working in 5 months so I should enjoy this time. Right? Yeah, easier said than done. I'm going to Cali again in June and will see what the current state of 'things' are. I am not going to commit to moving in to take care of 2 people with Alzheimers without an end game. And I can't get bupkiss from my brothers.....sooo who the heck knows.

My house is actually a very standard kind of suburban home. Its the inside that is, ehem, eclectic. I need to remodel because 'things' are breaking and leaking so gotta do it. If I do move it will only be for 6 months so I'd just close up the house while I'm gone. And maybe I just feel like doing 'something'. I'm getting the gates fixed so I'm starting there Start small. The kitchen can wait but the master bath really needs to be done. I'd love to get new carpet but my fricken cat will destroy it so have to wait until he moves on to greener pastures.

I would love to just sell this place and get something much smaller. But I bought this house for very little so my mortgage is small. Small is good. So I see being in this place for quite a while. I like it, honestly. Idaho is an awesome place. And it seems lots of other people think so too because we are growing like crazy. Good in some ways, sad in others.

Dropsie

Frick,

Dont seem to me like anyone is offended, more interested I would say.

None of my business, but I would be really sure about the end game with your parents unless you are ready for the long haul. I watched my godmother care for both her and my godfather's mothers for more than a decade. It is hard to describe how tough it was.

But she felt like it was the right thing to do. In the end, she thought it would have been bettter for both them and her family to let them be cared for by professionals and visit a lot.

To say it was hard is such an understatement.

There is no good answer.

entropy1964

Hi Dropsie

Well I wasn't sure if I had offended so I thought I'd make an amends, just in case. The gender identification issue is rightfully a sensitive thing. My daughter has scolded more than once for a slip up on my part. Its not intentional but certainly I could be more careful. I have never considered myself to be naive or even remotely judgmental....I'm just old!

You are so right about the end game...and that is what scares me. I am a party of one in being very serious about placing my parents in a really great home. I am the only one in my family that has toured facilities and has at least a working knowledge of the process. My brothers, in their infinite wisdom, are of a mind that they will DIE if we transition them. I find this interesting because our own grandmother lived in a facility for over a decade and was really happy. I had a conversation with their geriatrician who also said they could be quite happy if it is handled right. What they (the brothers, 4) don't understand is if we wait until they are too far gone we have a much harder time of placing them. Today they would be able to enter into assisted living, together, with the option to move to memory care if needed. Wait too long? And its skilled nursing. And yeah, that sucks. Sad thing? My brothers think I'm an insane idiot. I'm the scapegoat. Oh gawd, the stories I could tell. So its not only a potential black hole for me, but the dysfunction it would bring me straight into could be potentially dangerous for my well being. The brother that molested me is one of the ones who believes that a home would be a death sentence. All the while he has never, ever spent more than a few hours with them in the last 5 years. He was going to 'call me' to tell me why he knows so much about their situation, just so I could be 'properly educated'. This was after I spent 21 days caring for them by myself. He never called. I recorded the phone call I had with the folks' dr, outlining the need for better professional care. Silence. Not a word from any of them. They are ******* idiots. Sorry. But I honestly now understand that this alcoholic is actually the healthiest one in the family. And I simply force them to see that they don't know jack. But they won't face it because they are the alphas...and I'm the lowly female. Ugh. Well stayed tuned.

But right now I am going to sear some fresh ahi, made a nice little sunomono salad and have some rice in the steamer. OMG its a gonna be good.

fini

no offense taken here, in case you we were worried. just felt like sharing a bit more about myself for a change.
but if this woman has a “thing” for you for real, i would just like to say that that is going to be tough for her.
anyway...my mom had dementia and did not move into a care home until she fell one too many times and my dad finally agreed he could not do it anymore. after she died, he struggled on, frail though not demented but with age-related troubles, and by the time he moved into assisted living he should have really been in the care part of the facility. it would have saved him so much stress...but taken a toll on his independent streak.
sorry about your less-than-helpful (see, i can be polite!) brothers; in my family, the bulk of daily chores and mundane tiresome errands and cleaning and such divided quite neatly along gender lines, predictably.
if you can somehow manage to get your parents into assisted living now, then yes, a transition to more care will be much easier later.

Obladi

Frick, I didn't take any offense - I know you were expressing how uncomfortable you were/are about that situation. I believe we live on a spectrum - no, it's a fact to me - we do. Getting near our personal edges can be disconcerting, but there's nothing wrong with being there.

More later. I just wanted to address your concern about giving offense. No need for amends in any way, as far as I'm concerned.

Obladi

Frick, I'm thinking about your situation and how difficult and stressful it is. No wonder you feel stuck in a rut. You're sort of sandwiched between your daughter and your parents and have little to no support in this thing. Or do you? Do you have anyone in your life that is supporting you? If you don't, maybe consider where you can get that. It's important to have someone who's on your side.

With your parents, who is in charge? Do any of you have power of attorney or power of medical attorney? Is there a reason you have to convince your crappy brothers about what needs to be done? I'm guessing maybe your parents won't go to assisted living without the other kids pressuring them, maybe.

Way more questions than answers from me tonight. If it helps anything, I'm on your side.

entropy1964

Thanks O. Yes it is a crappy situation. And no, I have no one in my court and I do need that. I keep thinking of getting some therapy, just someone to talk to really, but haven't done it yet.

We do have power of attorney....all five of us. And two of my brothers are co successor trustees. Years ago I was trying to convince the band of brothers that we needed to execute the DPOA giving us the power to create an irrevocable trust. This would have allowed them to qualify for Medi-cal. But no, I just couldn't get them moving. We are having a conference call on the 30th with a third party attorney, per my request, to discuss how to move forward. They are chauvinists and won't listen to me. Maybe they will listen to this attorney. But medi-cal looks back 3.5 yrs so even if we do create a new trust it will take time to qualify. But better late than never.

The two brothers that live close, one is their live in caregiver, are far more cooperative with me. They want me to move badly. One of my other brothers doesn't think I can 'handle' the job that he himself refuses to do. But he says I'm better than nothing. So that's always a bit frustrating. When I was in Cali we had a phone call where he, in his arrogance, was so demeaning to me....yet so full of himself that he doesn't even see a 'problem' with the call. Actually told me things like there's no way I could a job, who would hire me etc. He doesn't know me at all. He's just a total *****. And he says everything with a smile so you never really know what the ******* is thinking. Ugh. Even tho it wasn't his objective to have me rethink my idea of moving (I am better than nothing after all) that is what the call did. It pissed me off so much that I finally asked myself 'why AM I doing this?'. One of my brothers, who moved in 6 years ago, did so because he was divorcing and had no where to go. At that time my folks weren't anywhere near as bad as they are now. Then about 4 years ago the oldest moved in, because his life was falling apart and he was a total mess (he has a litany of mental health problems etc). So two of them were there together for 3 years. But both moved in because something in their personal lives propelled them to do so. I have no such circumstance. I would literally be leaving my home, my child, my life (which I don't think they believe I have) and the possibility of employment (the necessity really). So I asked myself, wtf am I thinking? There is literally no reason for me to be doing this other than to look after my folks. I have now started to back pedal seeing that really 'this' could be very bad for me. No just the external logistics, but putting myself right smack dab in the center of the toxic family. So why am I doing this? I think in some ways I wanted to finally be seen as competent. I wanted to be the savior. I wanted them all to believe in me. But they never will. And a couple of them will just wait for me to fail. I am, after all, the scare goat.

But, in the middle of all this brother BS, are my parents. And they need something. So its tough. My Mom, who can't really speak well anymore, really wants me to move. Like REALLY. Just the look in her eyes makes me so sad for her. I'm female and can connect with her. She can't stand the brother that is living with them. And, quite honestly, he is really weird. He is kind tho so I always tell her she needs to give him a break. But all she says is "He's weird. You now he's gay right?" Yes Mom, I know he's gay. But that's not why he's weird.

Oh GAWD. Happy Easter everyone. And thanks for letting me blather on here.