Obladi

Cos,

What will you do to put yourself out there, do you think? I'm interested for you, and selfishly for me, too. It's not an easy thing to do...

O

Cosima11

Thanks Dropsie, I do see what you're saying. With him there's a lot of history.. we've known each other for over 10 years. I've tried to and have walked away before (it was never really dramatic, various circumstances just sort of brought us in different directions) but he is "the one" person I could never get over. The fact that we've both ended up here, still in each others lives after all this time can only be explained as an act of "the universe". So I'm really in it, already invested.. and the ball is in his court at this point.

O, it's so true it's not easy. I do have some work friends who I've talked with about hanging out but it hasn't actually happened yet.. I'm trying to get a group together to go camping though. And there's another girl I know through work who's also trying to get into real estate so we plan on meeting up and maybe forming some sort of alliance..

Aside from work, the only other option I can think of is to try out different meetup groups. Which I know sounds really lame but it could actually be sort of fun to find random people who share mutual interests and hobbies. Not that I have that many hobbies either though lol. So I'm really not sure, if I come up with any other good ideas I'll post about them and you should do the same!

Need2Know

I'm always concerned when people use the terms "The One" and "The Universe" with respect to romantic relationships. Just my $0.02

What about a dog? Never underestimate the companionship of a good dog! (Or other pet.) It might not be what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might get you what you need.

Cosima11

Yeah it’s a sad state of affairs but I’ll stand by that. Of all my relationships, potential relationships and dates, he’s the one person I never stopped wishing things would work out with.. So now I’m doing/have done everything in my power to show him that.

If you don’t believe in a spiritual “universe” I would expect you to be concerned but I do.. And although I don’t have roots here, I have a step parent who happens to be from here and I found out literally right before I was about to tell my family I’m moving here that they are planning on moving here after retirement (which I can only hope is still many years down the road). So even if we go our separate ways, we will both be coming back to this place later on for years to come and I just don’t see it as a wash your hands clean entirely of him sort of situation.. But it’s still up in the air.

A dog would be nice and I have thought about it but with the hours I work and my sometimes terrible sleep schedule, plus not having a fenced in back yard I thought it’s not really the right time yet

Dropsie

Cos,

My point exactly. I do believe in the universe, and I would let it do its work.

See where it takes with your young man, and the rest.

X

Hawkeye13

I agree that the Universe has its ways, and we ought to step back and not second-guess it as much as we do. At least I do.

Hope all are well. I'm actually really good this evening--I finally got shed of the procrastination I've been using all week to avoid work and tackled it. I'm very glad I did.

Pink clouds reflecting off the lake tonight. Almost like pink velvet on blue water. Very pretty. And the first crickets are tuning up their legs before tonight's concert. I'm looking forward to that under a canopy of starry spotlights. . .

Dropsie

Hawk,

Sounds amazing.

X

Need2Know

I agree that the universe (Life) has its ways (Coincidences) but if we read too much into them and rely too much upon them, rather than on logic and empirical evidence, we get into bad situations that could have been avoided.

I see a lot of temptation in people to rely upon "signs from the universe" to do things, especially in romantic relationships, that are just what they want to do, rather than what they know they should do. Just like any other addictive behavior.

Think about it this way, you are presented with a major alcohol triggering event. Then someone offers to buy you a drink or you find yourself getting the trigger while standing across the street from a liquor store. Do you take that as evidence that the universe wants you to drink?

Well, yes, of course you do bc what you really want is to drink and to hell with logic and reason. Or maybe no, you resist bc even if the universe is encouraging you to drink you choose logic and reason.

Cosima11

Need2Know, since you seem to be talking about me specifically, I'll just say that's not how I interpret "signs from the universe" in any way. I would not have close to 2 years sobriety if I did. I don't so much believe in coincidences, but I don't think everything that happens is a sign of what action we're supposed to take in that moment.

Additionally, nothing about how things have turned out in the romantic relationship is what I wanted. What I want to do at this point is to move on to someone new, or simply bail and go back to Vegas. What I know would happen if I do either of those things.. is I will be haunted by the decision for months or years to come, knowing had I humbled myself long enough to let him decide on his own time, there may have been a different ending. And there may not be. This may all be a huge waste of time. But it's not just up to me and what I want.. That's where "the universe" comes in but please understand I'm not looking at the situation with rose colored glasses or as some sort of subjective fairy tale.

Cosima11

Honestly N2K, I was thinking of what I might have said to elicit your responses, and I think you might not have like the comment I made in your thread about Naltrexone, so now you’re here proving some sort of point? Thanks for your feedback and good luck with your sobriety. I also won’t continue lamenting about this ridiculous relationship on this thread.. Thanks all for listening and sorry for taking up space with this.

Hawkeye13

Cosmia;
I think relationships and relationships issues are important and difficult factors that underlie many of alcohol issues we all have.

I personally really find it helpful when you share what's going on as it helps me process my own issues around relationships,the impact of alcohol has had / has on them, the feelings of fear, growth, expectation etc. which are triggered by them, etc. so I very much hope you keep sharing on this and other personal issues as that is the point of this thread.

This is a long-running thread with regular posters, and I think our topics should be chosen and continued by us, "the regulars", and though others are quite welcome to visit and post, or even join regularly if they care to, this is our space and our conversation is on-going and therefore relevant and meaningful to us.
What you have to say is important to me, and doesn't need "editing" of any type.

I also felt the comment was implying that I am waiting for some Universal woo woo but that isn't what I was saying either by "the Universe has its ways".

What I meant was that by staying in the moment, the best action often becomes clear and obvious as opposed to my ego-driven desire to imagine a future and try to outsmart it before all the data are in.

I think lots of us drinkers, and non-drinkers, tend to do that. The mind isn't always the first or only source to ask when making choices in life. This is more about wisdom than empirical knowledge. . .

courage2

Here's an item for chuckleheads:

There's a minor ant problem in my apartment. I live right under the roof, which is decked and has plantings and shrubs. Apparently, they sent an Exterminator (!) to destroy (!) ant nests up there, and there's been a diaspora to my floor. They are poor pathetic singletons, true refugees, lacking a queen or home to return to.

My problem is what to do with them. I have a great fondness for ants-- in my dull dull childhood they were the subject of many moosings.

I confess I killed one by crushing. I set a few free by throwing them out the window, but for private reasons I prefer not to open windows in this high-rise. Then I settled on letting the force of water flush them away -- the drain or toilet. This works and is certainly clean. However, to conserve water I started waiting to flush until I had found two or three, during which interval, anyone already in the can had to tread water, very pitifully. Even more pitiful, two in the toilet meant that they desperately tried to communicate, and three seemed to be able to coordinate an escape! The drama (always tragic come the flush) has been making me crazy!

So my new plan is to keep a little plastic bag or similar handy, with a few grains of sugar. Every morning I'll put anyone I see in the bag, and when I go out every afternoon, I'll release them to a nearby sidewalk tree basin.

Cosima11

Thanks Hawkeye for the kind words, I appreciate your support. I think it was sort of necessary for me to process after coming back from this trip, and necessary to affirm that my life here will carry on in this state regardless of how things are going in the relationship. Overall my life is still improving, however minuscule it may seem on a daily basis..

I don’t actually mind the constructive criticism N2K, if that’s what it is.. But if there’s an issue of some kind I’d rather address it directly than passive aggressively.

Courage, I had an ant problem too. Somehow this year hasn’t been bad but last year was terrible. They may seem tiny and harmless but I’ve realized ants actually sort of disgust and terrify me (Im joking but not completely) because they’ll eat literally anything. They’ll eat other bugs, a dead lizard outside.. They definitely communicate and coordinate in groups. I’ve watched as a small army of them hauled away a piece of lettuce.

So I say do whatever is necessary to get rid of them, it’s kill or be killed sometimes..

fini

aw courage, what a great idea!
i have in the past used cinnamon with great success to repel them. sprinkled a solid line just at all entrances including windows and that stopped them from crossing.
i have had to watch ants scurry as i sprayed aphids (with Safers Soap)which were destroying my new one-foot tall apple tree, and don’t know how to solve that dilemma.
love your solution to your situation.

Need2Know

Cos - I am so sorry that I upset you with my comment. I certainly did not take offense at your comment on my thread. Your comment was interesting and helpful.

I also agree with others here that relationship issues, as well as ants and Okra recipes, are all acceptable topics of discussion here. Cow herself mentions all the time that this is a place to discuss anything! (That Scott will allow.)

So back to why I put my $0.02 in. I've been in situations where I was swept away by what is called "limerence." Which includes things like love at first sight. Or the feelings that the cosmos has brought this person into my life. Or that this person is "The One."

I've also seen it in others, meaning they have treated me that way. I've learned to see it as a trick of the mind, that leads to a bad end result. IMHO, in the real world, there are no perfect matches, no One and Only, no soul mates. In real life, even the best romantic relationships will sometime be hard, have bad patches. Maybe even bad endings.

There is good scientific evidence out there that shows when people are caught up in a "True Love/Soul Mate" state it activates the same parts of your brain that drugs like cocaine do. Which of course, when things do go bad, leads to the feelings of desperation to get one more fix, one last try at making it work, with a hopelessly incompatible person. Or relationship that has simply run its course.

I think I went to far though in discussing my opinion here about this. It's just me, from my experience. No one needs to agree with me or take my advice. I'm just a random person on the internet. I don't know you or your situation. Just your language triggered me a bit. I'm so sorry that my interjection has bothered you.


Bunny - I hate killing things. About the only thing I will kill without remorse is a wasp, a mosquito or a house fly. And even house fly's I feel a little bad.

I would certainly not kill an ant without a colony. Look at their life span. It is very short. I'd let them be. Not even move them out. Poor things won't live much longer anyway. I've helped them out of places like sinks, toilets and tubs when they get stuck. My wife hates that I do this.

If they were biting ants or an active multiply colony that was attacking my food supply, well that would be different. I'd feel bad about it but I'd feel like, its us or them.

Mice are the same. Even more so. So cute and loving and lovable. But I've learned the hard way what happens if you don't take action to protect yourself with mice. Not good. Very not good.

But I have lived in peace with one mouse. Once I had one that had no mate. I could hear it now and then. I saw it under the fridge once and then started leaving bits of cracker there for it. He would let me watch him eat. I liked him and I think he knew that.

Obladi

Snarkbunny, I love the consideration with which you (and fini) treat the ants. I must confess to using some form of chemical barrier when I've faced infestations in the past. Funny thing, though; once my last kid was moved out and I'd cleaned up all evidence of sticky sweets from the floor, the problem disappeared.

Cos, what Hawk says. Keep spewing. That's what we're here for! Meetup groups do not sound lame to me at all. I have joined a number and hope one day to muster the courage to actually appear for some event. I've cast an invitation to my work peers to go rafting, but at this point it looks doubtful that any of them will take me up on it. It really is so hard to form new relationships once you're an adult, eh?

Cosima11

No worries N2K, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't something I had said to offend you. I do understand where you're coming from. I remember hearing somewhere that biologically speaking, we "fall in love" so we'll have sex with someone enough times to procreate with them. That may be true, but I think emotions are complex counterparts to our physiological experiences and it's best not to question or block them too much. I do believe in "soul mates" and think it's very possible and very likely to have more than one. "The one" was simply a figure of speech I used to show that at this point and time of my life (and after everything I've learned from past mistakes), he's the one person I actually still want to stick out the good, bad and ugly with.

As for the addiction aspect, I think you're right and I believe it's what killed the connection. I've written probably way too much about it on this thread and others. When I first quit drinking things were going well, like "miraculously" well considering everything that had happened. But I was transferring addictions to some extent, and unfortunately clinging onto him took center stage after I also quit smoking. I could no longer handle any amount of uncertainty.. So I don't think it's so much about what I "should do" in terms of moving on or not, since the relationship itself isn't necessarily the problem (just like alcohol wasn't inherently the problem).. it's changing the way I view and behave in it. Going on this trip seemed to sort of snap me out of it (again) but there's a lot I need to do to ensure it doesn't keep happening. I don't know if it can be salvaged but I'm still willing to try if he is.

Anyway no hard feelings. In another topic.. I went to lunch today with my co-worker/real estate friend, and without any prompting from me she suggested we start joining meetup groups as a way to expand our social lives and meet new potential clients. She mentioned hiking, yoga, and Buddhism groups as things to join so pretty sure we'll get along..

O, I had typed out this reply before reading yours, but yes it's difficult! I've been talking about going camping for a couple months now and people say they want to but.. actually coordinating it never seems to happen. Rafting sounds really fun too, I hope they'll take you up on it.

Cosima11

I also think I'm not doing a great job of explaining what I'm saying I want in the relationship.. I want things to work out with him, even if it means enduring challenging times. The problem is we're in limbo (not what I want at all). He won't end it but he won't commit either. And me giving an ultimatum is not going to work. But I can take a huge step back and stop giving off desperate and needy vibes.. so that's what I'm currently trying to do.

Need2Know

With my limited experience with Buddhism, I'd say that to be at peace with being in limbo, will be the path to less suffering.

Obladi

hmmmm

Hard to comment on this relationship jazz without projecting, so I'll be transparent and let you be the arbiter. My last relationship damned near killed me. He was fine with being distant, fine with seeing me every couple of weeks, not disturbed at all about how unsettling this all was for me. I discovered that drowning all of that out with alcohol "worked." But of course it didn't.

My completely unsolicited (and perhaps unwanted) advice: don't take just a step back. Separate completely and see how the chips fall. Not in a mean way, just in a detached Cos Matters kind of way. Because you do.