courage2

I hope no one thinks I was minimizing the trauma of molestation by writing about confrontation. I don't have memories of being sexually molested by a family member, but I've received a share of abuse, and I know pretty well how badly that shaped me. I didn't mean to suggest intentional confrontation with the abuser. Ugh -- letting yourself be vulnerable with a pervert? No.

What I meant is that now, in my current psychological state, I don't think I could stop myself from going into uncontrolled attack mode. As I've gained time in sobriety, I tolerate evil and brutality less and less. I get very aggressive in people's faces. Things seem to matter now.

I'm wondering if --from the perspective of the child -- the net of addictions is a horribly safe cave, in comparison to the danger that lurks in the most trusted other person?

I'm glad you made it through the holiday with your family, cow. I'm really sorry you found out about the porn stash, especially when you were doing something to help the old man. He sounds like a foul individual -- a rich, walking, piece of future grave rot.

Obladi, I hope you see your way through. Do you have a trusted other anywhere in your life?

Frickaflip, thank you for the moving posts. You're amazing!

Hawkeye13

Hi All;

I'm glad you got through T-giving Cow--I too would want to stay in the will as I have also been in financial struggle nearly all my life and I can appreciate what peace financial security can bring.

O, please let yourself out into the light and air of sobriety soon. You so deserve it. Frick, I agree with courage, you write some amazing, helpful posts.

I'm doing well--51 days sober, 23 pounds lost, and feeling better than I have in years. I've got some projects lined up for the next several weeks which involve being outside, travel, heavy lifting and minimal time online so if you don't see me around much for awhile, that why.

Life is calling, and I'm actually ready to answer

Gilmer

That is fantastic all around, Hawkeye! I'm thrilled for you!

Cow

... ... that sound like you burying some bodies for the mob. More details please!!

23 pound! Just from quitting, or you on special plan?

Good on you for all of it, Hawk!!

I doing better. I back in my body. Has recommit to sobriety. And back on benzo taper. Currently I at 4mg of 30 mg pill. Should be off in 8 week. WD still hell, but I want off all the drugs!!

How is rest of you gumdrops going?

Gilmer

I'm good.

I'm glad you're back to tapering off the benzos, Cow!

Cosima11

Glad to hear you're doing well Hawkeye and that you're re-committed Cow.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up during this training but am physically and mentally exhausted most of the time. Training is early morning til late afternoon, then I work til 2 AM three nights a week and also Saturday/Sunday. I didn't used to have so many hours but of course as soon as I started this they scheduled me for more days. It can all be adjusted and figured out in time but right now just trying to make it through.

I keep hearing "your first 2 years in this business are going to be hell". Cool, so I've climbed the sobriety mountain only to be standing at the very bottom of a new one. I do know if I'd tried to do this early on while still dealing with frequent insomnia and other unhealthy habits (chain smoking) etc, it would've been next to impossible.. So I guess I'm grateful to be in a place where I'm at least able to move forward even if it's not exactly fun.

Hawkeye13

Hi Folks--how is everyone doing?

I had a really rough week at work with serious backstabbing, but I've pulled out the multiple knives and am moving on as best I can. It will actually work out better for me in the end, but very unprofessional actions happened which cannot be undone and I am still feeing pretty hurt quite honestly, though the ones involved were read the riot act by my boss.

The good news is I didn't drink over it, or even desire to drink over it. The knowledge that it only would escalate a crap situation into overdrive may have finally penetrated my brain after so many years--I hope so.

I've also been doing very well on low-carb keto changes, and that continues to bring huge physical and mental benefits. I got a bargain on an Instant Pot last week and have been cooking up a storm this weekend. Pot roast, beef stroganoff sans noodles, and an amazing pork with black bean sauce I made from a giant slab of country ribs marked down for quick sale.

I'm thinking a fair bit about my life, my choices, and why I chose the numbness of addiction for so many years quite a bit of late--not with judgement so much as relative objectivity. When I weigh the circumstances of childhood, the poor life skill tools I had beyond stubborn survival, and the many addict role models I grew up with, it all makes a kind of inevitable sense.

There was no level playing field, but who gets one most of the time anyway? The irritating part is how long I've allowed it to rule my life, and how often I've relapsed despite better tools and self-awareness. At 54, I really can't see keeping my dead mother accountable for my actions today. Pointless and counter-productive.

Time is the most precious limited-resource I have left--and I've wasted so much of it caught in addiction, and plumbing the past as though it were the place where the answers are kept. But what value or use are "answers " when their context is long irrelevant?

Choices, right here in the now, is what I have to spend that counts.

Please check in friends-- I do value this connection. I'm now even more isolated IRL thanks to work fiasco.

Gilmer

I am very sorry about the skullduggery at work. I'm glad the boss read them the riot act. And I'm glad that things will ultimately be in your best interest.

I think your time of self assessment is bearing fruit. At 54 I can see why you'd think it the sanest course to just move on. You're already doing it!

Not drinking at this traumatic work situation has been a critical test--and you've passed it!

Cow

Hi Hawk sorry about you work crap.

For me, is very bitter pill to come to terms with how much of life has been swallowed up by addiction. Is almost too unbearable to think of.

I just was ruminating in my sleepless benzo withdrawal night over all the time, travels, peoples, opportunities that has been lost and/or not remembered.

I think it not a good exercise, cuz it futile and devastating. So yeah, right now have to be the focus. And right now I ...well, I still mostly suck, but you is doing great! I doing okay with couple few windows of good.

soberista

Evening all. Just playing catch up on the thread. I'm getting ready for a Christmas Fayre this weekend. 6 months work printing my textile designs and this weekend I shall hopefully sell shed loads and make some cash. Day after tomorrow I am 11 months sober. Been the best 11 months of my life. I have never been happier and now regularly go out with friends to bars and don't even contemplate drinking. I have sparkling apple juice, have a great evening and drive home . I agree Cow. So much time in addiction.

I can't offer any advice on your situation with your dad Cow. You need the money so what choice do you have? My ex husband was one of 3 children abused by their father and uncle. It's a fragmented family and the children scattered from that environment. His sister told mum but she did nothing . I was young when I met him and at the time he had blocked the memories out. His sisters hadn't. One of them told him when I was pregnant don't you remember what dad and uncle did to us? He didn't. One day some months later he was standing at the top of the stairs and i caught sight of him. His face blanked and he fell from top to bottom like a dead weight. I ran after him and at the bottom of the stairs he looked at me and said "I've remembered "
I said under no circumstances would our kids come into contact with them and when the kids where old enough I explained why we didn't see them. i believe his mum was a victim also. I appreciate she did nothing when confronted with it by her daughter but having been in a domestic violent relationship fear can play a huge part in how we handle thing's (or feel too scared to handle things). His mum did tell me on occasion he made her sit in the garden in her underwear but at the time I didn't understand what any of it meant.

My ex husband , unfortunately for my children, has not sought any help, lives with them and plays the victim. They feel sorry and guilty and so support him (no rent or food costs) and if he does anything for them in the house they also pay him. He can only be described as a broken machine. Who knows where their (his parents) money will go. None of their kids have any contact so either theyve left it to the dogs home or perhaps my children.

It's all a terrible state of affairs. These abusers have no idea the destruction that is left in the wake of their actions. Generations upon generation.

I have no answers.

courage2

For those whose situations keep bringing up the past I'm not quite entirely cut off from everything that ever happened to me before 1981, but almost. When my parents died I was haunted for a while, but ghosts aren't at all the same as flesh and blood.

Obladi

Courage,

You touched me deeply with the cave metaphor. It is indeed a horrible safe place.

I intend to come out when middlest comes to visit on the 11th. God willing (and me acting), I will stay out.

Anyhow, that's the plan.

boreas

Rootin’ for you O. Hell, I’m finding even lonliness is richer in sobriety. And I mean that in a good way.

I kept waiting for life to shift so I could put it down. But when I shifted instead, everything changed. My life is still essentially the same minus booze. I didn’t think I could endure that. But here, on the other side, I found that all that stuff I’d been drowning could be endured after all.

I found this poem in the early 90’s, who knows where. The last line has been on repeat in my mind lately.
Best wishes all,
-bora

“I brewed a pot of bitter tea. Neither sugar nor saccharin could sweeten away its savor.
Had I steeped the tea to long? Or, forgetting, added new tea leaves to old? Or failed to scour the pot, or bring the water to a boil?
No matter, the tea was made. At little cost to me, with little waste, I could have poured the stuff into the sink, used new leaves, boiled fresh water, steeped more tea-with an eye on the clock-in a scrubbed clean pot.
But this wasn’t my way. Since I had brewed this bitter tea, I drank it down, the dregs and all, and flourished on it.”- Arch

Gilmer

Contentment in the little things. It goes a long way.

Cow

Hello Kittens, I hanging in there. I been a cow of few words lately, but I reading every posting.

How is everybody going?

courage2

Good to see you cow. I've been off my game lately but escaping anxiety listening to ghost stories. Odd how that works. Worried? How about The Pit & The Pendulum?

Hawkeye13

Hi All;

Hanging in and working towards my holiday.

O, hope things are going well with your daughter's visit.

Cosima11

Well I got through the last day of training which entailed brunch and mimosas and cheers.. Out of around 15 people I was one out of two who didn't drink- the other girl was around my age which I found kind of surprising. No explanations were asked for so thankfully I didn't need to offer any. Can't say it wasn't slightly uncomfortable though. The thought of "just this once" crossed my mind but considering the only reason I had to re-take this training a year later is because of drinking (or recovering from this ridiculous problem) I knew that would be kind of insane.

Sooo now I'm free to jump into this fully and there's nothing I want more than to do whatever it takes. My bar job feels like a punishment at this point and I must get out of purgatory.

Cow

Good on you, Cosima!

O, was you able to pull out as you had plan? I worry for you.

It seem all the crones is hibernate for the winter.

Obladi

I'm sitting in my car, waiting to see if my eldest, who works nearby, would like to spend some time with me. She's working a split shift today, always a drag. More so because the young woman is deeply depressed, dealing with her own demons.

No, Cow, I haven't quite pulled out, though I've made some progress. Having the middle girl in the house has helped tremendously, but she goes out at night...

I feel good today - this could be the start. Even took my meds for once. I'll keep doing that because it's so stupid to skip them.

We are celebrating Christmas on Sunday so that all of us can be together. Youngest even rsvp'd by text a couple of days ago. She said, "It's too late for me to ask off so I can come after work around 7:30." I did not say, "If you'd asked off when I invited you.." I really hope everyone behaves - this will be the first time I've spoken to her since she moved out in the spring. There are so many ways this could go...