One More Day Part 2
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
"..relief because now I can drink.
But I won't. "
I harp on the can't/don't distinction, go figure, I would right ?
Can but won't is the next closest thing , so good on ya
, just wait for the real time all the time relief of 'just plain' Don't , one more of the privileges of lamination
But I won't. "
I harp on the can't/don't distinction, go figure, I would right ?
Can but won't is the next closest thing , so good on ya
, just wait for the real time all the time relief of 'just plain' Don't , one more of the privileges of lamination 
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I get ya, dbtbd
"Because I don't" seems like a stretch for me at the moment. I understand that's part of the deal - arbitrarily set your confidence level at 100 and all that. Thing is I have an issue with my confidence level about anything regarding myself. So for the moment "I'm sure I won't drink now" is working - I like it because of the construct that it's always now.
That feeling went away, of course. Though writing about it stirs the beastie a wee bit.
Had a good talk with my therapist about Thursday's session and what was bugging me. Irritation masking insecurity. He said that he's been trying hard not to sound critical and I said how about you just say it like you see it sometimes and we'll see how that goes? After all, it's a safe place where I can practice skills that I aspire to have. Main thing is I'd like to practice recognizing my feelings in the moment rather than a couple of days later. I like this guy - he owned his part in the whole tiff and I appreciate that. It's nice to have a therapist that actually seems to think about things that come up.
Did I say I colored yesterday? I did and now I'm about to go do some more while listening to something on Amazon or The Moth or NPR.
"Because I don't" seems like a stretch for me at the moment. I understand that's part of the deal - arbitrarily set your confidence level at 100 and all that. Thing is I have an issue with my confidence level about anything regarding myself. So for the moment "I'm sure I won't drink now" is working - I like it because of the construct that it's always now.
That feeling went away, of course. Though writing about it stirs the beastie a wee bit.
Had a good talk with my therapist about Thursday's session and what was bugging me. Irritation masking insecurity. He said that he's been trying hard not to sound critical and I said how about you just say it like you see it sometimes and we'll see how that goes? After all, it's a safe place where I can practice skills that I aspire to have. Main thing is I'd like to practice recognizing my feelings in the moment rather than a couple of days later. I like this guy - he owned his part in the whole tiff and I appreciate that. It's nice to have a therapist that actually seems to think about things that come up.
Did I say I colored yesterday? I did and now I'm about to go do some more while listening to something on Amazon or The Moth or NPR.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Dee!
Woke up this morning with a song in my head, which is usually the case. It was
Well it's all right now, I've learned my lesson well.
You see ya can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself...
If all I sang were memories I'd rather drive a truck.
I rather like the "doot n doo doo" part of this song, but the lyrics are pretty good too.
Spoke for an hour or so with middlest last night. At one point I said "you don't have to spend the whole evening with me" and she replied, "it's ok - I like talking with you." Small rewards for being sober - I like noticing them.
Thought about going to a meeting, the one that used to be (is?) my home group, but it didn't feel right yet. Maybe next week since I'll be beyond a month. Or maybe at two months. I don't know. I think I want to return a success and that might be pride getting in my way, or maybe pure stubbornness at wanting to do this on my own. I guess those two may be the same thing. What I do know is that I will receive a number of reactions, some perceived and some outright and I don't think my skin is quite thick enough yet to confidently power through those perceived reactions. I don't need anyone's wariness right now. I'm better off right now living my quiet life where only my therapist, you guys and I know the score.
Not sure why I'm writing as if AA is a must attend (at some point) for me. This would be a good thing to think through. Knowing my motivation might clarify what I'm looking for if I do go - and clarify whether the goal is appropriate for my healing. I'm a bit concerned at the prodigal son theme I'm feeling about this - that's certainly not the right expectation or goal. (After all, the reception that kid got was a total surprise and gift to him, which was part of the point of the story.)
Day 29, yessirree
Woke up this morning with a song in my head, which is usually the case. It was
Well it's all right now, I've learned my lesson well.
You see ya can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself...
If all I sang were memories I'd rather drive a truck.
I rather like the "doot n doo doo" part of this song, but the lyrics are pretty good too.
Spoke for an hour or so with middlest last night. At one point I said "you don't have to spend the whole evening with me" and she replied, "it's ok - I like talking with you." Small rewards for being sober - I like noticing them.
Thought about going to a meeting, the one that used to be (is?) my home group, but it didn't feel right yet. Maybe next week since I'll be beyond a month. Or maybe at two months. I don't know. I think I want to return a success and that might be pride getting in my way, or maybe pure stubbornness at wanting to do this on my own. I guess those two may be the same thing. What I do know is that I will receive a number of reactions, some perceived and some outright and I don't think my skin is quite thick enough yet to confidently power through those perceived reactions. I don't need anyone's wariness right now. I'm better off right now living my quiet life where only my therapist, you guys and I know the score.
Not sure why I'm writing as if AA is a must attend (at some point) for me. This would be a good thing to think through. Knowing my motivation might clarify what I'm looking for if I do go - and clarify whether the goal is appropriate for my healing. I'm a bit concerned at the prodigal son theme I'm feeling about this - that's certainly not the right expectation or goal. (After all, the reception that kid got was a total surprise and gift to him, which was part of the point of the story.)
Day 29, yessirree
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
daredevil,
No acne. No other side affects aside from feeling a little spacy the first few days. Other unsolicited information: Antabuse doesn't help with physical cravings but for me it helps with the psychological part. I just have it in my mind (now) that there's no way I will drink within 7 days of my last dose. So if I keep taking it every morning, I keep moving the goalpost and putting the drink so far in the future it's irrelevant. I wouldn't recommend experimenting with the stuff - the side affects are horrid and can be very dangerous. But you probably already know that. I take other medication for cravings and it definitely works for me.
No acne. No other side affects aside from feeling a little spacy the first few days. Other unsolicited information: Antabuse doesn't help with physical cravings but for me it helps with the psychological part. I just have it in my mind (now) that there's no way I will drink within 7 days of my last dose. So if I keep taking it every morning, I keep moving the goalpost and putting the drink so far in the future it's irrelevant. I wouldn't recommend experimenting with the stuff - the side affects are horrid and can be very dangerous. But you probably already know that. I take other medication for cravings and it definitely works for me.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Today is the day I get the leak in my basement fixed! I am so ready to let go of the worry every time we have a heavy rainfall. Not AS ready to deal with the part where restoration has to happen and will snowball into re-tiling and painting the whole room. One step at a time, O.
Took the day off and was going to work a few hours this morning but I'm not sure that's going to happen (and that's ok). It's good that I'm now getting busy enough at work to warrant the thought of working a couple of hours while "off." I far prefer that to twiddling my thumbs when I'm on the clock.
Booked my flight for Wisconsin yesterday and made arrangements for a rental car. Here's my defense against the beast: Arrive Friday and report directly to my friends' house. Drive to the conference on Monday - drop off the car along the way. That way I would really have to inconvenience myself to drink - at least the way I am wont to drink. I'd have to take an uber or shuttle to the liquor store and I am far too proud to let a stranger know that I'm a lush. That plus if the thought of drinking comes up, I will say to myself, "Not now. I don't drink now." (Or some variation.)
Go Belgium!
And England too!
(Safe because I don't know any French or Croatian people as far as I know.)
Day 30
Thanks for helping, you guys
Took the day off and was going to work a few hours this morning but I'm not sure that's going to happen (and that's ok). It's good that I'm now getting busy enough at work to warrant the thought of working a couple of hours while "off." I far prefer that to twiddling my thumbs when I'm on the clock.
Booked my flight for Wisconsin yesterday and made arrangements for a rental car. Here's my defense against the beast: Arrive Friday and report directly to my friends' house. Drive to the conference on Monday - drop off the car along the way. That way I would really have to inconvenience myself to drink - at least the way I am wont to drink. I'd have to take an uber or shuttle to the liquor store and I am far too proud to let a stranger know that I'm a lush. That plus if the thought of drinking comes up, I will say to myself, "Not now. I don't drink now." (Or some variation.)
Go Belgium!
And England too!
(Safe because I don't know any French or Croatian people as far as I know.)
Day 30
Thanks for helping, you guys
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,538
I've just signed up for a non-residential rehab course which starts on Monday.
My mind automatically went into "well, if I'm going abstinent from Monday, surely I can have one last drink". Then I thought about all the people who want me to beat this illness and how I would feel guilty afterwards and for flip knows how long.
So, I didn't. Woke this morning actually relieved I didn't fall into that trap and can actually say this is day 10., instead of yet another day 1.
I'm going out tonight to watch the England - Croatia game. I'm with friends and I have told them in no uncertain terms I am not drinking alcohol tonight, soft drinks yes, booze, no chance.
My mind automatically went into "well, if I'm going abstinent from Monday, surely I can have one last drink". Then I thought about all the people who want me to beat this illness and how I would feel guilty afterwards and for flip knows how long.
So, I didn't. Woke this morning actually relieved I didn't fall into that trap and can actually say this is day 10., instead of yet another day 1.
I'm going out tonight to watch the England - Croatia game. I'm with friends and I have told them in no uncertain terms I am not drinking alcohol tonight, soft drinks yes, booze, no chance.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Tynesider, good for you on all fronts! It sounds like you really want sobriety - more than you want to drink. That's all it takes.
In the US we call non-residential treatment Intensive Outpatient (IOP) and it's 3 hours/weekday. I did that twice and found it to be helpful; sometimes simply because of the accountability and that it filled up the rest of my day after work. I'd be interested to know what your experience is.
So glad you're doing this for yourself. Congratulations on reaching double digits.
In the US we call non-residential treatment Intensive Outpatient (IOP) and it's 3 hours/weekday. I did that twice and found it to be helpful; sometimes simply because of the accountability and that it filled up the rest of my day after work. I'd be interested to know what your experience is.
So glad you're doing this for yourself. Congratulations on reaching double digits.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
So glad that things are good in the O hood.
Bummer about Belgium and England. I knew they would play in the final, just thought it would be the real one, not the one for third place.....
My nephew is with us in Spain and lost a friend of his last night. She was 51 and healthy until a month ago and then got an heart infection etc. Puts things in persepective.
We all got one round at this rodeo. I personally dont want to spend it drunk and hungover.
So, onwards and upwards. I dont know about you, but I dont drink....
Bummer about Belgium and England. I knew they would play in the final, just thought it would be the real one, not the one for third place.....
My nephew is with us in Spain and lost a friend of his last night. She was 51 and healthy until a month ago and then got an heart infection etc. Puts things in persepective.
We all got one round at this rodeo. I personally dont want to spend it drunk and hungover.
So, onwards and upwards. I dont know about you, but I dont drink....
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,538
I'm sorry to hear about your nephew's friend Dropsie.
Went to a pub last night to watch England vs Croatia with a friend. He was knocking back the vodka and cokes, I just stayed on the Coke. (the drink, not the drug).
Normally during the World Cup, I enjoy a good drink as well, but that was then, this is now and I don't drink anymore.
Day 11.
Went to a pub last night to watch England vs Croatia with a friend. He was knocking back the vodka and cokes, I just stayed on the Coke. (the drink, not the drug).
Normally during the World Cup, I enjoy a good drink as well, but that was then, this is now and I don't drink anymore.
Day 11.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks!
Dropsie, I'm so sorry that Belgium didn't get to the final champion match. I'm glad you had fun along the way, though. Condolences to your nephew.
Tynesider, I'm aghast and impressed that you went to a pub. But perhaps you were a closet drinker like I was? I could go to a bar and have just one or two, or I could skip them altogether. But when I got home all bets were off. In any event, I'm glad you came away unscathed.
So the basement wall is fixed - hooray! I look forward to the next big rainstorm. Maybe I'll just hang out down there and watch it not leak. The damage isn't so bad either - nothing I couldn't cover up with a tapestry and forget about it. No but, I sent a picture to middlest because she thinks she knows someone who can repair it, so that will be good. And I can put the room back together now! Woo hoo.
I'd rather just hang around at home coloring all day, but guess I'd better start getting ready for work. I think maybe the reason I'm so set on staying in my house is that it's truly become my safe place. Nice transformation from being my drinking place.
Day 31
1 month + 1 day
But who's counting?
Dropsie, I'm so sorry that Belgium didn't get to the final champion match. I'm glad you had fun along the way, though. Condolences to your nephew.
Tynesider, I'm aghast and impressed that you went to a pub. But perhaps you were a closet drinker like I was? I could go to a bar and have just one or two, or I could skip them altogether. But when I got home all bets were off. In any event, I'm glad you came away unscathed.
So the basement wall is fixed - hooray! I look forward to the next big rainstorm. Maybe I'll just hang out down there and watch it not leak. The damage isn't so bad either - nothing I couldn't cover up with a tapestry and forget about it.
No but, I sent a picture to middlest because she thinks she knows someone who can repair it, so that will be good. And I can put the room back together now! Woo hoo. I'd rather just hang around at home coloring all day, but guess I'd better start getting ready for work. I think maybe the reason I'm so set on staying in my house is that it's truly become my safe place. Nice transformation from being my drinking place.
Day 31
1 month + 1 day
But who's counting?
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
... but I don't think it's "healthy" to confine myself to my house. For instance, I don't even want to mow the lawn because it's outside. And for another instance, I would have been pleased if my kid backed out on our planned meetup this evening. She didn't and I went - but just for coffee because a meal out seemed to much for me to handle. I'm not only hung up about being out I'm also now (again) hung up about food.
Therapist asked me today if things are coming out of the woodwork now that I'm sober and I said nope - just the same old stuff that's been with me all along. And I wondered whether this is as good as it gets. He assured me that it's not. So I'll have to believe him cuz what do I know? This seems like as good as it's ever been aside from being grossly out of shape. To me, getting in shape would be as good as it gets. Relationships with people IRL? A pipedream.
Therapist asked me today if things are coming out of the woodwork now that I'm sober and I said nope - just the same old stuff that's been with me all along. And I wondered whether this is as good as it gets. He assured me that it's not. So I'll have to believe him cuz what do I know? This seems like as good as it's ever been aside from being grossly out of shape. To me, getting in shape would be as good as it gets. Relationships with people IRL? A pipedream.
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