Tynesider22

I'm being tested tonight. Just heard that a friend of mine suddenly passed away within the last 48 hours.

I knew her mostly online, but I have met her and she was great. Not sure of her age, but she was younger than me. (I'm late 30s).

Feels like I've just been kicked in the throat, the news came out of nowhere.

Obladi

Oh Tyne

I'm so sorry. I think that the death of a friend is a test for any of us. Is the custom drinking or not drinking? If so, you know what the right answer is.

My thoughts are with you. Hold her in your heart. she was fortunate to have you as a friend.

Tynesider22

I didn't drink. It would have been a short term solution but in the long term it would have just made a bad situation even worse.

I woke up this morning and checked my messages, hoping it was a dream.

Obladi

How are you, Tyne?

Dropsie

Thinking of you Tyne.

I am so sorry for your loss. Much too young.

XX

Tynesider22

I'm fine. Shaken and obviously upset, but I'll be good.

fini

oh gee...I'm so sorry to hear of the death of your friend.
yes, we can be in pain and fine at the same time.....an odd thing, that.
keep going.

Dropsie

O,

You reported on the Relpase thread something your therapist said that I thought was really smart.

"it seems you've been drinking to avoid the inevitability of drinking".

Seems so many of us do that about so many things, but I think he really nailed it.

I am going to think on that a while.

XX

Obladi

That's precisely what I've reported 2 of the last 3 times I've travelled into the abyss, so I believe it to be true. Illogical, but true. I think maybe illogical doesn't necessarily equate to not useful.

fini

if you believe that there is an inevitability to your future drinking, then you are saying you have lost choice.
no?

Dropsie

In my experience, it is the opposite -- it is a totally screwed up way of maintaining control.

By choosing to fail, I no longer risk failure. It is not that failure was inevitable in the literal sense, but by doing that which I had sworn off but thought I might lose the battle, I took control of the failure.

Our minds are interesting places to travel.

fini

i understand the pre-emptive taking of control in this way.
but why not question the inevitability belief?
if it is so, it has implications.

Dropsie

True. I dont drink but do this crazy stuff with things like being late on important work etc. Its strange.

2ndhandrose

I can totally understand this feeling of "just fail, already, get it over with".

I have alternately, fought it and given in to it, over my life.

ScottFromWI

Continued here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7016038 (One More Day Part 3)