Want to work the 12 steps on my own
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
" Would it be fair to say that this really isn't even so much about having a sponsor or not vs. you feeling uncomfortable about taking time to work on your sobriety in any fashion? "
Nope - not true at all - not even a little. I have relapsed before and I am presently doing all I feel I can do at this time with the means I have available. I want to explore AA as an additional tool. I am not afraid to drive in NY and have already investigated the meetings there.
Nope - not true at all - not even a little. I have relapsed before and I am presently doing all I feel I can do at this time with the means I have available. I want to explore AA as an additional tool. I am not afraid to drive in NY and have already investigated the meetings there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Rar 
" Would it be fair to say that this really isn't even so much about having a sponsor or not vs. you feeling uncomfortable about taking time to work on your sobriety in any fashion? "
Nope - not true at all - not even a little. I have relapsed before and I am presently doing all I feel I can do at this time with the means I have available. I want to explore AA as an additional tool. I am not afraid to drive in NY and have already investigated the meetings there.
Nope - not true at all - not even a little. I have relapsed before and I am presently doing all I feel I can do at this time with the means I have available. I want to explore AA as an additional tool. I am not afraid to drive in NY and have already investigated the meetings there.
I think that as many have mentioned, there is a lot of AA that you can learn just from the Big Book on your own. I went to AA meetings early on in my sobriety and they were helpful, but I do not regularly attend meetings now and i've never officially worked the steps. But I still find a lot of value in the big book itself, and I read it often.
Regarding what you might get out of working the steps on your own, I guess the best thing to do would be to try it and see what happens, right? ;-)
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
There are many roads to sobriety. To me what was important was to have a plan to sobriety and the help of other addict/alcoholics who were also on the road to recovery, the specifics of which are solely what works for me. It's crucial to have a plan and not try to go it alone, but there are many paths there...12 Step does not have the monopoly on recovery. We have a whole secular recovery forum here that talks about different methods like SMART and AVRT. Check it out if you haven't already. There are medical resources, psychotherapy, inpatient and outpatient rehab, Refuge Buddhist/meditation based groups...etc. etc. etc.
12 Step is the oldest, largest and most widely used method, but that doesn't mean it's the best for you.
As far as AA goes, there are suggestions but not rules. If you want to work a program your own way, I think that's valid. I've known a number of people who've used meetings as a tool in their recovery toolkit without working the steps and stayed sober, and people who have decided that 12 Step wasn't for them and still remained sober, as long as they remained committed to sobriety and worked some kind of program other than AA.
Investigate, find a method that works for you, and stick with it and modify as necessary as you go along. Do what works for you...incidentally, not to please your husband. You gotta do what you gotta do, and he'll get on board or he won't.
I'm not in the slightest knocking AA/12 Step. It's a method that works for a lot of people, and works for many if they follow all of the suggested methods. Personally I found the concept of Step 1, the concept of service to help other addict/alcoholic, and the self-discovery gleaned from doing the 4th Step (which I'm doing with a therapist rather than with a sponsor in AA) to be very important to me. I never "worked" Step 1, it just kind of happened to me in rehab, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn't control my drinking and as long as I tried to drink and use "in moderation," I would end up back in rehab. However, if AA works for you on some level, I wouldn't dismiss the usefulness of working the steps with a sponsor out of hand without some investigation.
Just do SOMETHING formal. I believe that just saying "I'm going to stay sober" and trying to gut it out with willpower alone is a miserable place to be and usually doesn't work long term.
Good luck. Keep asking questions on SR. It's a tool in my sobriety kit for sure.
12 Step is the oldest, largest and most widely used method, but that doesn't mean it's the best for you.
As far as AA goes, there are suggestions but not rules. If you want to work a program your own way, I think that's valid. I've known a number of people who've used meetings as a tool in their recovery toolkit without working the steps and stayed sober, and people who have decided that 12 Step wasn't for them and still remained sober, as long as they remained committed to sobriety and worked some kind of program other than AA.
Investigate, find a method that works for you, and stick with it and modify as necessary as you go along. Do what works for you...incidentally, not to please your husband. You gotta do what you gotta do, and he'll get on board or he won't.
I'm not in the slightest knocking AA/12 Step. It's a method that works for a lot of people, and works for many if they follow all of the suggested methods. Personally I found the concept of Step 1, the concept of service to help other addict/alcoholic, and the self-discovery gleaned from doing the 4th Step (which I'm doing with a therapist rather than with a sponsor in AA) to be very important to me. I never "worked" Step 1, it just kind of happened to me in rehab, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn't control my drinking and as long as I tried to drink and use "in moderation," I would end up back in rehab. However, if AA works for you on some level, I wouldn't dismiss the usefulness of working the steps with a sponsor out of hand without some investigation.
Just do SOMETHING formal. I believe that just saying "I'm going to stay sober" and trying to gut it out with willpower alone is a miserable place to be and usually doesn't work long term.
Good luck. Keep asking questions on SR. It's a tool in my sobriety kit for sure.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Which is exactly what I did..
As someone who has problems with compliance, is exactly what I did, using ' Joe and Charlie's Big Book Study Meeting' listened to in conjunction with the Big Book, as my sponsors did...taking the same view as them that the Fellowship acts as a support organisation for 'problem drinkers'..that was just over ten years ago and when necessary I'm still doing it...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Embarrassment = Fear of judgement.
right?
who you afraid of judging you? a room full of saints at an AA meeting? 
yeah, that was a lil sarcasm. none of us walked into AA white as snow and none of us are now. there aint no original sin and the members of AA have covered them all.
right?
Originally Posted by Rar
Yes -
yeah, that was a lil sarcasm. none of us walked into AA white as snow and none of us are now. there aint no original sin and the members of AA have covered them all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Rar
I don't know if this has already been mentioned but there is a TON of stuff on the internet about working the steps. Step 1-3 or pretty passive so to speak...hugely important but they don't require 'work' in the form of writing. Step 4 is laid out exactly the way it is to be done in the BB-resentments, sex, fears. And there's a crap ton of stuff on line to help you. When you get to step 5 I really do recommend talking with a human being. Could be a counselor or a pastor/priest. Whatever. But just looking in the mirror and saying it all out might not get the desired result
I found 6 and 7 really hard. Rephrase, I FIND them hard. A sponsor a trusted spiritual guide is really helpful. But if you have a rock solid connection with God you'll probably find it easy. Not me, unfortunately.
8 and 9 are tough Rar. Just get lots of support where you can. Remember, the no harm philosophy applies to all parties, including you.
10 and 11 are really done daily (note to self......)
Its 12. Yeah, you can do that here. But maybe, you'll be so enlightened you'll consider reaching out in AA! Who knows, could happen
Get a 12x12 if you don't already have one. Share your experience. Good luck!
I don't know if this has already been mentioned but there is a TON of stuff on the internet about working the steps. Step 1-3 or pretty passive so to speak...hugely important but they don't require 'work' in the form of writing. Step 4 is laid out exactly the way it is to be done in the BB-resentments, sex, fears. And there's a crap ton of stuff on line to help you. When you get to step 5 I really do recommend talking with a human being. Could be a counselor or a pastor/priest. Whatever. But just looking in the mirror and saying it all out might not get the desired result
I found 6 and 7 really hard. Rephrase, I FIND them hard. A sponsor a trusted spiritual guide is really helpful. But if you have a rock solid connection with God you'll probably find it easy. Not me, unfortunately.
8 and 9 are tough Rar. Just get lots of support where you can. Remember, the no harm philosophy applies to all parties, including you.
10 and 11 are really done daily (note to self......)
Its 12. Yeah, you can do that here. But maybe, you'll be so enlightened you'll consider reaching out in AA! Who knows, could happen
Get a 12x12 if you don't already have one. Share your experience. Good luck!
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I just got Step 1 in rehab. Steps 2 and 3 are not an option to me, although I don't think I control everything in my life, I can't and don't want to define and surrender to a "Higher Power" or "God of my understanding." My understanding of God is that it may or may not exist, and I don't believe in Faith.
I'm working Steps 4, 5 & 8 simultaneously with my therapist. As per the above, 6 & 7 aren't going to happen. Ten is part of life, I am becoming mindful of it. I do 12 in my own way, usually by talking to addicts in the street .
That works for me so far.
I'm working Steps 4, 5 & 8 simultaneously with my therapist. As per the above, 6 & 7 aren't going to happen. Ten is part of life, I am becoming mindful of it. I do 12 in my own way, usually by talking to addicts in the street .
That works for me so far.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Originally Posted by tomsteve
Embarrassment = Fear of judgement.
right?
who you afraid of judging you? a room full of saints at an AA meeting?
yeah, that was a lil sarcasm. none of us walked into AA white as snow and none of us are now. there aint no original sin and the members of AA have covered them all.
right?
who you afraid of judging you? a room full of saints at an AA meeting?
yeah, that was a lil sarcasm. none of us walked into AA white as snow and none of us are now. there aint no original sin and the members of AA have covered them all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I have so much to read and listen to now. YAY! I noticed the step threads on the top of the 12 step site. I don't know why I didn't notice them before. I clicked on Step one and there are tons of threads. I've been reading Step 1 messages for a couple of hours now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Originally Posted by tomsteve
hhhmmm...does your husband know youre working on recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Originally Posted by tomsteve
why would he judge you for getting help? because he's still drinking and lost a drinking buddy?
Edited to add: Here in Florida he would have to drive me and either wait for me or return to pick me up. That would be an issue for him because it would cut in on his drinking time. In NY I can drive myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by August252015
Respectfully, She can help me work the steps over the phone (If she remembers them). ....sounds like a non-plan. It's an official sponsor's job to guide us through the steps. Not someone who may or may not "know" them anymore etc- that kind of person can be a good sober friend to have, not a sponsor.
Some people read the BB and that's it, some people read it then start going to meetings, some follow the advice to get a sponsor and really WORK the program, some never do and merely stay sober but never get into recovery.
It's all up to the individual. For me, the best thing I ever did (FINALLY) was listen to sober people's advice and do what they said- "look for those who have what you want, and go for that" - and I certainly had to do it IRL, then use online support like SR.
Good luck.
PS Just for the record, I'll say that us alcoholics are genius at finding an infinite number of reasons (excuses) to do "recovery our way." IME, IMO and IMObservation- that rarely works.
Some people read the BB and that's it, some people read it then start going to meetings, some follow the advice to get a sponsor and really WORK the program, some never do and merely stay sober but never get into recovery.
It's all up to the individual. For me, the best thing I ever did (FINALLY) was listen to sober people's advice and do what they said- "look for those who have what you want, and go for that" - and I certainly had to do it IRL, then use online support like SR.
Good luck.
PS Just for the record, I'll say that us alcoholics are genius at finding an infinite number of reasons (excuses) to do "recovery our way." IME, IMO and IMObservation- that rarely works.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Rar
I never saw a post where you asked for help.
????? - I don't understand why you posted this Day Trader.
????? - I don't understand why you posted this Day Trader.
As an active 12-step worker, how would I know you need help if I have no knowledge you have questions about working the steps, how to work them, or advice on how you want to try them? My experience in the 12-Step forum in SR over the past 8 years of me posting here has been that the majority (not all...) of the people who actively watch that room are usually on the same page. For me to post back and forth with many of the members isn't all that "entertaining" because most of us know the same things, believe the same way, and practice the same disciplines in our lives. When one of us is having a problem or a serious question is posed....there's typically a lot of activity.
I know from my past, I didn't want to ask the serious AA people about how to best work the program because I suspected in advance that they'd tell me to do the same thing they were doing. Deep down, I didn't want to do that.......so I'd ask people not in AA, not in recovery (friends, family, therapists, doctors, etc) what they thought I should do because I was betting I'd get answers more in line with what I wanted to hear. I suspect that's what you were doing - asking outside of 12-step support if version X or Y of working the steps sounds like a winner. Whether that's true or not isn't my concern but that's why I brought it up...because I used to ask the same types of questions of people I carefully chose because I wanted to hear responses that were in line with my thinking and told me that what I was doing was ok.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
As I was told many times, AA is NOT a self help program! Get to meetings and follow the steps with a sponsor. Its simple but not easy. Do it the right way and it will be easier than trying to fight it and looking for the softer, gentler way. That way does not exist.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Originally Posted by tomsteve
thats not the job or duty of a sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Hey Rar. I've just started reading the BB and also have a really good guidebook to work through the steps. I am really keen and excited to be starting on this path, but I'm taking it slowly, reading a bit every night and journalling my thoughts. I'm also reading the 12 step thread.
I'm not in a position to attend meetings or get a sponsor either. I live on a tiny island, with a community of several thousand. There are 3 meetings a week, but unfortuately they are hosted at a centre run by colleagues of mine professionally. I am not ready to out myself yet! I'd love to go but have accepted that I need to do things a bit differently. I love it if you wanted to keep in contact about your thoughts/work regarding the steps? A bit of peer support. And we have guidance from experienced AAers on the thread. PM me anytime. And Congratulations on taking this step. Gabe x
I'm not in a position to attend meetings or get a sponsor either. I live on a tiny island, with a community of several thousand. There are 3 meetings a week, but unfortuately they are hosted at a centre run by colleagues of mine professionally. I am not ready to out myself yet! I'd love to go but have accepted that I need to do things a bit differently. I love it if you wanted to keep in contact about your thoughts/work regarding the steps? A bit of peer support. And we have guidance from experienced AAers on the thread. PM me anytime. And Congratulations on taking this step. Gabe x
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Rar
my husband
We have given you all kinds of solid, if varying, advice on how we have succeeded (or not, in the past) and living sober and in recovery (again, two different things).
I'd humbly suggest that perhaps a change in focus, away from your husband and onto YOU, and what you need which sounds like sobriety, AND finding a willingness to go beyond things you've said like "all I feel I can do now."
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Cosima11
Telling people they are fearful or prideful for not doing things "the right way" (i.e. the way you did things) reads a bit egotistical imo but that is not the point of this thread.
the way i help people is pointing out things i see they may not. thats one action of love- i could let people struggle along on their own, but thats not love.
and if you notive, the OP seems to understand and its been helping.
i hope your not seeing a counselor that just sits there and lets you ramble on then takes your money- i hope if youre seeing a counselor, they are pointing things out to you,too.
p.s.
show me where i said what is and isnt the right way,please. im lost.
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