Rar

HI All - I'm on my 57th day AF after 3 or 4 relapses. I am not attending AA meetings, but would like to work through the steps on my own without a sponsor and perhaps with help from those on SR. I have been listening to YouTube videos explaining the steps. I intend to listen to YouTube meeting videos,

Where can I find information on how to work the steps and what I need to do? The 12 step thread isn't very active.

August252015

IMO and IME, there's huge reason to work them with a sponsor, certainly not working them alone. Help and guidance and instruction through the BB is critical to many people's beginning of sobriety, especially. It was mine.

You CAN just buy a BB at any bookstore. Online you can read it here
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/read-...lve-traditions

Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

or on various sites if you Google things like "Big Book of AA online" as I did.

Again, working a recovery program such as AA is best meant to be done with support from others.

Why, out of curiosity, do you want to do it solo? There are workbooks and worksheets (for step 4 and 5 in particular) that are good, and I followed advice to use them with my sponsor, as well as attending meetings. I still have my sponsor and my sweet spot for mtgs is 3-5 a week (I self-correct when it dips lower) - I am just past 2 years sober.

I think most other AA folks around here, with some time and commitment in recovery, will tell you that working it solo is not the best idea.

Good luck to you.

Rar

Hi August. Thanks for responding. The simple answer is "I don't know why". Right now I would just feel more comfortable working by myself with SR. I do have a close friend (I have written about her here), and yesterday we were talking about the steps. She is a neighbor in NY, but I am currently in Florida. She can help me work the steps over the phone (If she remembers them). She has been sober probably 25+ years.

August252015

Respectfully, She can help me work the steps over the phone (If she remembers them). ....sounds like a non-plan. It's an official sponsor's job to guide us through the steps. Not someone who may or may not "know" them anymore etc- that kind of person can be a good sober friend to have, not a sponsor.

Some people read the BB and that's it, some people read it then start going to meetings, some follow the advice to get a sponsor and really WORK the program, some never do and merely stay sober but never get into recovery.

It's all up to the individual. For me, the best thing I ever did (FINALLY) was listen to sober people's advice and do what they said- "look for those who have what you want, and go for that" - and I certainly had to do it IRL, then use online support like SR.

Good luck.

PS Just for the record, I'll say that us alcoholics are genius at finding an infinite number of reasons (excuses) to do "recovery our way." IME, IMO and IMObservation- that rarely works.

biminiblue

Lots of people recover just fine without a sponsor. The steps are laid out in the book. I know people "in" AA have some set rules in their heads, and phrases like, "not recovered," and then they make up some more, but the sponsor thing isn't in the book. That's a recent construct of people - not the program.

I know lots of people (here and in real life) who have recovered just fine by doing many of the things in the steps, but they did it their way and at their pace. The steps are good, common-sense guidelines. I guess if that didn't work then they could step it up a notch, but not every person needs a sponsor to, "Recover."

I tried the AA route and found that I actually had more recovery than some of the people who were sponsoring in AA. I've spent my adult life seeking in one way or another, be it the Bible or therapy or the many spiritual/self-help books I've read, and some of the AA sponsor-ladies I met were codependents and tried to control with fear. Not only that, but the meetings I mostly attended were full of gossip and judgement and mind-reading and projection. I'm sure not everyone was that way, but it seemed common and prevalent especially in one of the big groups here.

Rar, I would try it yourself. Especially if you have a history of trauma. You can always add to your plan. There are good addiction counselors who know about the steps too, and a lot of it is straight out of religious tradition so even many priests and pastors are educated about the principals.

tomsteve

it reads like fear or maybe even pride and ego having ya want to do it solo,especially with the plethora of meetings in florida and NY.

Bird615

For me, having the right sponsor that I could trust take me through the steps helped explain any questions or confusion I had, encouraged me when the going got tough, and helped correct me if I was going off course. I also needed someone that would call me on it if I was using my old alcoholic coping mechanisms such as minimizing, avoiding, procrastinating, blaming, etc.

If I had just done what felt more "comfortable" in my recovery, I wouldn't have gone to meetings, I wouldn't have spoken in meetings, I wouldn't have been a greeter or chaired meetings or taken a service position. I don't think I would have stayed sober for very long, either.

A good sponsor can make all the difference.

ScottFromWI

I would suggest asking for help in the 12-step forum if you did decide to go the route of doing it "on your own".

I'd also suggest looking back at your own motivations for doing so however - why is it you really feel you'd be better off doing it yourself? Are you afraid of the personal interaction or possibly having to be told things you don't want to hear? That's a common fear.

Cosima11

I understand the benefits of having someone to hold you accountable and helping you see things in your thinking patterns you may not want/be able to see for yourself. However it really is an inside job at the end of the day. You disclose what you want to disclose, so hinging your recovery on the approval of another person doesn't make much sense to me honestly.

DayTrader

I never saw a post where you asked for help..... is that possibly because you want to work the steps but do so the way you see fit? ie, no meetings, no sponsor, no real connection to the fellowship of AA (including the 12 Step forum)? If so, you're certainly welcome to do whatever you want to do. The book Alcoholics Anonymous was written in the hope that it could be mailed out, people could read it and follow the instructions, have a Spiritual Awakening, and then go on to teach others in their area how to do likewise. Remember, the book was brand new at one time so the bulk of the nation hadn't heard of it, didn't know anything about 12 Steps and unless one was lucky enough to live in an area where it was already established, someone had to be first, yanno? AA in Texas, for example was started by a guy who'd never been to an AA meeting, had a copy of the book, and moved there because he had breathing issues and was told the air there would be better for his lungs. He read the book, took the steps and had a Spiritual Awakening as a result of those actions. He went on to start AA in Texas.

I would caution you that it's significantly easier to go through the directions, the book, and the steps with someone who has 1. done them and 2. really "knows" you. I can safely say, nobody online truly knows me. You know the "internet Mike." The Mike that comes out in what I write.... but that's not the real me. People who know me personally have a much clearer knowledge of who I am. As I said, those aren't requirements but it would make it much easier for you and you'd likely get a LOT more out of it.

tomsteve

thats not the job or duty of a sponsor.

daredevil

I would do whatever you feel most comfortable with Rar. Seems like a great idea to starting working the steps, even on your own initially. I work the steps on my own, but I find going to meetings helpful.

Maybe in time you'll find it helpful to have a sponsor, maybe not. Whatever you feel works best for you, works best.

Rar

I don't feel I'd be better off!!! I think it would help me and provide another tool for my recovery, which is why I want to start working the steps.

#1 - I don't drive here in Florida. I could go once back in NY.
#2 - my husband doesn't think I have a drinking problem, though he is supportive of my drinking sparkling water rather than beer. I think I'm embarrassed at going in front of my husband.
#3 - I don't discuss my not drinking with my husband. If he isn't an alcoholic himself, he certainly has a drinking problem.

Rar

I never saw a post where you asked for help.

????? - I don't understand why you posted this Day Trader.

biminiblue

So, #2. I think some discussion about this is really important for your mental health. If you fear your husband's judgement, that's a problem. Your husband. Who should be your best friend/confidant. I know that isn't always the case, but this needs to be examined because any time I bow to the (God)-contradictory messages from others, I'm in trouble.

People that don't have a drinking problem are not going to understand. Full stop.

This is a pride issue and it is addressed in the steps. You've struggled for years and at some point this has to be ONLY about your inner wisdom and your Higher Power. What is good/best for Rar? Do only that.

Rar

I don't think it's fear. I think it's probably pride and embarrassment.

biminiblue

Embarrassment = Fear of judgement.

right?

Rar

Yes -

nez

In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Sponsors and meetings are additional tools that help a lot of people on their journey, but all the information needed to work the steps are in the big book.

ScottFromWI

There are online meetings if driving to regular meetings is a problem, so you could give them a try.

Whether other people think we have a drinking problem is not really relevant. It's hard enough for us to understand our own problem, much less someone else understanding it. I do understand that you might feel embarrassed talking to him about it, but at the end of the day your sobriety is your decision alone. You will likely have to set some boundaries to make sobriety a priority for you, regardless of what recovery method you choose.

Would it be fair to say that this really isn't even so much about having a sponsor or not vs. you feeling uncomfortable about taking time to work on your sobriety in any fashion?