Ken0331

"My day job is as a counselor and I just can't be her therapist EVER."

Fixed that for ya. Your job as a sponsor is not to be a therapist. Even if it is your day job.

Agree with everyone about the boundaries and the toxic relationship. This is manipulative behavior. I think a nice way of "firing" her would be to tell her, "I'm just not the person you need; it doesn't seem like I can help you. You need to work with somebody else who can." None of this beating around the bush about it.

If she goes back out, that's on her, not you. You can't pass on your desire to be sober to her. You can demonstrate it and hope she sees it and wants it, too. But you can't keep anyone sober. And if you believe in the approach of the Big Book, you can't even keep yourself sober. Your Higher Power helps you with that, as you trust him/her/it to do it.

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

Best of luck to you in how you handle it. Pass any decision by your sponsor first, of course.

cocokramer

"Double winners" ..... oh that made me laugh!!!

It's like some people have a second sense on how to pick a codependent out of a room of complete strangers.

I don't know what an appropriate time of follow up is with her? I told her that I would work with her until she finds another sponsor but she's voiced her displeasure with me more than once.

I think I need to give her a time limit.... thoughts????

Ken0331

From what you've said, if she's alienated that many people in the group she goes to, it may be quite a while before she finds someone willing to work with her.


Perhaps a better approach might be to let her flail around on her own for awhile. Then when she finally becomes willing to listen to someone else, take suggestions, and cease the same destructive thinking/behavior that's kept her sick, someone who knows how to handle her better will come along.

NClarke2017

I know it sounds hard but you are not supposed to take up the responsibility of her therapist, or continue to enable her codependency. I think the other responders here have great advice for cutting it out. It's not your fault if your sponsor/sponsee match isn't the greatest fit. What stood out to me in your posts is you mentioning her possible mental health issues. Perhaps she struggles with understand boundaries and can benefit from a professional therapist.

tomsteve

there is a great part in the big book that fits this

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.

tomsteve

ya know, my sponsor did that to me for a time. just so happened to be after telling me i was on a pre meditated drunk. after that, he didnt give suggestions-he either let me whirl or didnt listen at all.
THEN came the close call where i was about 10 minutes away from a drink.
THEN he started assisting again to pop my head back outta my but.

NYCDoglvr

It's about her willingness to reach out to you and the program. Whenever I get a new sponsee I tell them I'm not your mom, a teacher or therapist. My purpose work the steps and help them stay sober. I advise telling her it's normal procedures for sponsee's to call sponsors. Be upfront about when you're available; she may need someone with more availability.

Ken0331

I had a friend of nearly 20 years asking some pretty intrusive questions and not respecting my boundaries when it came to my recovery. He meant well, but . . .

Anyway, one day he asked if the people in my AA group knew what I was struggling with.

I replied that my sponsor and close friends in the group know about my struggles (consequences related to drinking), but that those people are not my counselor, social worker, or priest. We help each stay sober, and I don't abuse the relationships I have there with those issues.

cocokramer

I'm a wimp. I did tell her that if she found another sponsor I would not be offended. I think that she is hoping to take advantage of my codependent personality glitches and that I will try to give her what she wants - which I feel is going to be endless hours of reaching out to her but never quite giving her exactly what she wants because I can NEVER GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS..... because she has to find comfort in herself.

Can I just follow up our last conversation with a text..... I'm so wimpy.... this is about personal growth, right?

So I need to confirm with her face to face that I agree that she should look elsewhere.

I'm just so afraid that I will get sucked in.

Just a simple "I agree that you should look for another sponsor. I can meet with you this last time but feel that you would be better suited with someone else."

Come on guys.... enable me.... let me go out like a wimp

Gottalife

You'll likely be a sober wimp

cocokramer

Hahahahahab!!!!!!!

Very true. I think that my sponsor wants me to tell her face to face.... but she's already basically telling me that I'm not fulfilling her needs. How much abuse can one drunk take!!!! (Smile)

I don't think that I owe her anymore than to be as kind as I can while maintaining my boundaries.

I've had a bad feeling about this from the beginning.

And if rather be a sober wimp than a drunk patsy!!!!

fini

cocokramer, it's the perfect time to set her a good example of how to be kind and firm in tandem

and in person

Ken33xx

Codependency can be a issue in AA and there are plenty of members willing to feed off each other. They enjoy it.

I find nothing wrong with listening to a fellow members troubles but without set boundaries people will suck you in.

With regard to the OP situation: my experience is the woman will tug on any string she thinks will push OP to do what she wants.

cocokramer

Eeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!! I know.

fini

i know you know

cocokramer

Yup. And I do know fow far I am willing to go. I'm at "uncle".

I tried to set up boundaries with her. This is clearly one of my issues.... need to face it head on. For myself.

Ken33xx

And in my experience it may not be comfortable. Don't be surprised if the woman suddenly turns on you. Makes snide remarks during the meeting about two-faced sponsors.

Don't expect her to let you go without trying to punish you first.

cocokramer

Oh I know.... I envision her kicking me out of her house. And then telling everyone what a rotten sponsor I was.

Or if I tell her after our meeting tomorrow night and her just shutting me out with righteous anger and hurt.

I know all about the punishment I'll receive.

That's why is rather do it via text.... to avoid the ugly confrontation that I know is bound to occur.

That's ok.... many in my group tell me that I'm a saint for dealing with her vitriol. Some of them have been on the other side of it as well... whenever she perceives real or imaginary abandonment.

Been there... done that.

Ken33xx

Dealing with such individuals helped me to grow. But make no mistake I found it discomforting when they continued with the games. They knew what they were doing and they knew I didn't like it.

I might also suggest not to discuss the woman too much with others. Let the woman in question complain/gossip behind your back. Stay out of it.

I found dealing with toxic AA members a valuable learning experience and helpful in the "real world"

Ken33xx

An add-on the above post:

I wasn't a sponsor nor did I hold any particular animosity towards either member. I just no longer wanted to hangout before/after meetings. I didn't want to go out for lunch or dinner.

So I asked myself what is it about me that attracted them?

The answer is two-fold. 1. I felt it was my responsibility as a member of the AA fellowship to hangout. 2 I do not like confrontations and would agree to meet or hangout when I didn't want to.

Nevertheless, I needed to put a stop to this and when we attended meetings together it was often uncomfortable. They continued for almost a year to play games but I stuck to my boundaries and it worked.