AAPJ

While I'm no AA recovery giant I have met a few. One senior AA member has 37 years of sobriety and has probably sponsored over 100 people. He has limits and simply tells sponsees how he sponsors people. If they are not interested in the way he sponsors people then he tells them to find someone else.

I'm pretty sure he would have told your sponsee to find someone else.

tomsteve

what would your HP want you to do?
where IS your HP in all this?

NClarke2017

what is a HP?

BlownOne

HP is Higher Power.
The concept is a power greater than yourself that you can turn to for strength and guidance in recovery and life in general. It can be your own concept of God, or anything else, actually. Provided whatever your HP is has the power to help you stay sober.

MindfulMan

Shouldn't this thread be in the Alcoholism 12-Step Support forum?

cocokramer

My hp is telling me that this woman is not good for my recovery.

Ken33xx

Roger that.

NClarke2017

oh thank you for the clarification!

EliL

Jeez sounds like a discussion going on of experts on counselling and alcohol addiction.

So as far as AA is concerned the sponsors job is to give the sponsee what they have gotten from working through the program of AA and, if you check the literature, to engage the sponsee in the fellowship of the program. This means that it is NOT a simple job of taking a person through the steps and leaving them to flail around in the meetings by themselves.

That said it is common sense that if someone is not willing to take step 4 that the sponsor should at least make some effort to convince them otherwise and is that sponsee is determined to not take this step to find a way to disengage from them in a respectful and invisible way as to not alienate them from AA.

Ken0331

If she's as gruff as she sounds, and has alienated people in the group . . . Exactly who does she have in her life who won't just hear her rant, rave, and complain roll their eyes at her then think, "Oh, here we go again . . . ."

I wouldn't worry over that part of it.

Ken33xx

Yes, common sense suggests if a sponsor or sponsee isn't working out to disengage in a respectful manner. However, there are people in the fellowship who will get upset when told you would like a change. Now, common sense also dictates one should put on their big boy or big girl pants and deal with the drama. But the drama can make for some weird vibes.

I believe my HP wants me to grow and better deal with uncomfortable situations. "Great meeting everyone, see you next week." Now, if a member stands by the door all droopy-eyed wanting me to out for coffee or dinner with them. Sorry but I am going home.

Or the "We're both in AA so we need to chat during our work breaks or hold a meeting during lunch... " Forget it.

Toxic, dysfunctional or codependent? That's for a therapist to decided but I know if I don`t set boundaries in and out of AA nobody will.

paulokes

There are some interesting and important points here.

Unfortunately, there are folks who feel AA...or any other recovery community...is about having a network of folks who *owe* you support, time, understanding, tolerance or whatever else...Raises hand...at certain times I was one of these people

The biggest symptom is when someone blurts..."Hey! I'm really upset! You're supposed to help me because I'm an alcoholic..." or words to that effect

Luckily folks in AA are exceptionally understanding and compassionate and do have a lot of patience for someone who is trying to find their feet. Because oftentimes...we have been that other person. But that's the point...support someone while they are trying to find their feet...I don't owe it to anyone to be a perpetual source of support or to accept poor behaviour from them. If someone is genuine and doing their best...I will help them in any way I can.

Past a certain point, the onus is on a newer member to get honest and seek appropriate help...The onus is not on an older member to continually give inappropriate help. That does people a disservice...It deprives them of ever having to learn to deal with life and face consequences themselves.

That can often sound harsh...but that's what recovery is all about. Hold someone up for a while...don't carry them or hold them down.

P

Ken33xx

Codependency can be an issue when the sponsor/sponsee relationship becomes dysfunctional. They often feed off each other until they don't. The case of the guy who hung out after meetings looking for someone to have coffee or dinner with is an example. I wasn't his sponsor but he complained the man wouldn't return his text messages. He made the sponsor (who I didn't know) out to be the bad guy.

So.... I hung out with the guy who is decent bloke but someone with never-ending drama. Nothing earthshaking. The usual relationship problems or the "I dislike this member in AA or I that meeting" ect.

A couple of years back I started to become very busy. I didn't want to meet a hour before a meeting, hang out afterwards or reply to text messages. And this is when things got weird. Instead of saying, "Fine or whatever" the man began to bad mouth me in his shares talking about (unnamed) members he couldn't trust. But eventually he stopped coming to the meeting. My guess is after his sponsor stopped listening he found me and when I stopped he found someone new.

I found myself in a similar situation at work. The guy at work fancies himself an AA guru with all the answers. He speaks with authority at meetings and for a brief time I considered asking him to be my sponsor. Unfortunately he alienated a number of his co-workers which basically left only me to talk with. He said how happy he was to learn I would be working in his section and for several months we chatted. Until I said to myself enough is enough. He didn't like when I cut back and pulled out all stops to get me to be his work buddy again.

It was another weird experience with an AA member but a good learning one as well.

I had put myself in an uncomfortable position because I wouldn't say no until I finally did.