cocokramer

Hi.

I've been working with my sponsee for about 5 months.

I am 2 years sober. She is coming up on 6 months.

She has asked me several times now to reach out more to her. She references aa literature frequently that talks about sponsors basically going to any lengths to visit/reach out to their sponsee.

She doesn't actually reference anything specific, but feels that I should make more overtures to get together.

She is retired and I have a full time job. Up until the holidays, I was seeing her every Sunday for an hour in between her church commitments.

She complains that others in our group do not reach out to her and complains that they are too busy. Other members have told me that they are offended by her manner and demands.

She brings up often that she is lonely. I often refer to the promises and assure her that in time with work they will begin to manifest.

Again today she said that she needs me to contract her more etc.

I told her that I would not be offended if she wanted to look for another sponsor and we could still work together in the interim.

I have also emphasized that she needs to reach out to ME not Vic versa.

Am I missing something here? I've spoken with my sponsor and she has has suggested that if my sponsee brings this up again I should suggest that she find new sponsorship.

Thoughts? Hope I'm posting in the right place.

Thank you for feedba k.

tomsteve

is the sponsee doing stepwork?

cocokramer

We did stepwork, yes. But she wanted to skip step 4 because she had already righted all of her wrongs.

I just spoke to my sponsor at length and remembered how far denial goes when we need it to protect ourselves.

I think that she is lonely and wants me to fill the void.

Ken0331

Yes, your sponsee needs to reach out to you, not the other way around.

Just remember you are not her therapist, counselor, or surrogate family. The role of a sponsor is primarily to help her work thru the Steps.

Is she doing that?

I wouldn't let her guilt trip you into a relationship beyond that.

Ken0331

Skip Step 4?

While everything in the BB are just suggestions, letting someone new in sobriety dictate their own recovery plan usually doesn't produce great results.

If your sponsee doesn't want to follow your advice, I'd take the advice of your sponsor and tell her to find someone else.

tomsteve

im reading work needing doing on step 1,2, and 3.

tomsteve

a part of the BB ive had to be reminded of a time or 5:


Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.

cocokramer

Oh so many good words here!

I suspect there may be some mental health issues involved.

My day job is as a counselor and I just can't be her therapist on the weekends.

And I do know that there are other newcomers out there who would be more receptive.... there have to be.

All I can do, I guess, is remain available.

A big part of the problem too is that she compares.... no relating. The not yets are things that she can't comprehend happening to her.

I want to say... go back out... see if you really are an alcoholic.... even though she readily admits that she is. I have lots of not yets and I know that they are just out there waiting for me to take a drink.

At the end of our meeting I did say that I'd be fine with her finding someone else.

What I feel like saying is that I have an amazing recovery and if you can't appreciate that because of your own issues.... well I'll just go work with someone who needs me more.

Ah... my own issues.

Recovery is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me.

Thank you for the feedback.

Ken0331

I've heard someone share similar to that in a discussion meeting. Talking about problems, how low they feel, but at least their drinking isn't as bad as someone who had XYZ consequences. All wrapped up in the problem, not wanting to really do anything to work towards solutions, poor me, etc.

Someone in the group cut them off after a long pity me speech and said, "It doesn't sound like you're done yet. Maybe you need to go back out and drink some more before you're ready."

Some people aren't ready yet. Some don't want to be. And some think AA is a group therapy session, or a substitute for individual counseling.

icoi87

I am about 5.5 months sober and my sponsor is a little over 2 years. I generally reach out to my sponsor. She tells me “call if you need me” and I call when I need her. I don’t expect her to answer all the time or be at my beck and call either. She gives me much of her time and I am very grateful.

It sounds like you are a great sponsor

cocokramer

Someone in the group cut them off after a long pity me speech and said, "It doesn't sound like you're done yet. Maybe you need to go back out and drink some more before you're ready."

Some people aren't ready yet. Some don't want to be. And some think AA is a group therapy session, or a substitute for individual counseling.[/QUOTE]

Yes!!!! She wanted to drink sherry at xmas... I'm thingking.... hey.... maybe she's not an alcoholic. But I'm sure that she probably is. She tried to basically say to me that if she went out again it would be because I wasn't spending enough time with her.....

cocokramer

I have a passion for sobriety that I so want to imbue in her but she's so resistant.

I never feel good enough and that is an issue that I had with my narcissistic ex. I can't turn myself inside out trying to please someone who is looking for me to be the solution to their problems. Because happiness does truly come from within.

Good luck to you! Glad you have a sponsor and are working the program!

icoi87

It sounds like she might be pretty toxic for you. No one is responsible for her sobriety except for her. Perhaps she should find someone else.

shortstop81

It doesn't sound like she's really gotten through steps 1 to 3. She doesn't sound open minded or willing to do the work (yet).

I've had two sponsors and the general rule has been that *I* am the one that reaches out to them. My recovery is MY responsibility, and learning how to reach out for support was in itself part of my recovery. It's that honestly and accountability that makes me humble enough to receive the guidance.

Maybe a brutally honest conversation with your sponsee is in order? About boundaries and expectations about your roles and relationship. If she doesn't like the terms, then she can move on to someone else if she pleases. And remember - you are absolutely NOT responsible for her going back out if she does.

AAPJ

In my view you would not be in the wrong to fire her. Based on what you have shared that seems like the most appropriate course of action here. Her behavior is manipulating and dysfunctional. Tolerating such behavior is simply wrong.

My sponsor is someone who is doing me a service. Not the other way around. Thus, I am extremely respectful of his time. I would not want a sponsee who does not show me similar respect.

If anyone thinks I'm wrong I hereby give you permission to respond in a confrontational manner. I think it's beneficial to hear other opinions. I have been in the rooms of AA long enough to realize that I'm often wrong and I'm ok with that. Fire away.

Thanks!

tomsteve

cocokramer, i think this thread is showing something from the big book to be true:
God will constantly disclose more to you and to us
you had a problem ya wanted assistance with. im thinkin your HP was saying something like ,"you know where to reach out."

on this:
I never feel good enough and that is an issue that I had with my narcissistic ex. I can't turn myself inside out trying to please someone who is looking for me to be the solution to their problems. Because happiness does truly come from within.

has anyone ever brought up codependency to ya?

seems quite a few of us alkies are also codies.

cocokramer

She is toxic to me.... yes, I believe that. I have from our first meeting which is why I stuck to my boundaries. She is trying to push those boundaries now and i'm not giving. My own recovery is my priority. Thank you so much. You hit the nail on the head.

Gottalife

Yes!!!! She wanted to drink sherry at xmas... I'm thingking.... hey.... maybe she's not an alcoholic. But I'm sure that she probably is. She tried to basically say to me that if she went out again it would be because I wasn't spending enough time with her.....[/QUOTE]

This along with the other factors like unwillingness to take step four suggest to me to go back to the beginning, her 1st step, your 12th. P92 states if we are satisfied he'she is a real alcoholic. That is where it begins, qualify the prospect, make sure they need what we are offering. If the don't qualify as alcoholics, try and hep them find the type of help they need, then move on to the next prospect.

In Tomsteve's quote "to keep chasing a man" suggests that we may do some chasing in the beginning, just don't keep doing it if she is not interested.

It never hurts to remember that work with other alcoholics is very much a part of our own recovery, and it has proven very effective at keeping us sober. Sometimes we get a bonus and the person we are working with gets sober too. I have observed over the long haul, it is the sponsors that stay sober.

cocokramer

Hahaha!!!!!!!!!!! total codependency. I've put up some pretty firm boundaries with the sponsee. She has alienated many in my home group. I did make a committment and wanted to stick it out but I do believe that it is a bit toxic to me.

Funny - I never understood what codependency was until I was in recovery for a while. Guilty as charged.

tomsteve

Funny - I never understood what codependency was until I was in recovery for a while.

about 6 or so years in was when i understood and started addressing it.
double winners ROCK!!

crazy how ive heard in AA that "NO" is the hardest word for an alkie to say and it turned out to be the hardest word for a codie,too.