Stayingsassy

Well, the beast is the addiction. So when you accept you are powerless after you take the first drink, and just release that to the universe, or give it to God, or accept that you have something bigger than you that you can’t fight, you give it up to something or someone higher than you. This to me means that when the beast comes knocking, as it does in it’s so many clever forms, I just swat it away. It’s now become meaningless. I’ve already given up the addiction because there is no way at all for me to control what happens after the first drink, it’s decided, it’s done, I’ve released it to the higher power, so the beast has no upper hand and whatever it tries to do to get me to drink means nothing. Step one and step two go hand in hand with the concepts of avrt and those two steps just make things simpler.

Obladi

Yup.

The way I'm currently thinking is that all of us belong to and are within that higher power. If I let go to God or take my power back, it's really one and the same thing.

It also helps me to separate not drinking (avrt) from dealing with other stuff (support programs, etc).

First thing is, Dont Drink regardless of what that beast wants.

O

celandra1

I tend to anticipate triggers which become stronger and turn into lapses. For me, I try to ignore/dismiss the thoughts instead of adding fuel to the fire. I've been thinking about tomorrow today, Mondays have been a lapse day for me lately. Hopefully tomorrow will be day six smoke/drink free. Hang in there sohard, we can do it.

Sohard

Day 7 and I woke up feeling SO proud and SO amazed, but also a bit sad. Like, 'oh, maybe alcohol really is out of my life now?' Addiction is so messed up. I can despise something and fight to get it out of my life, but miss it too?? I don't miss the drinker I was in the past 20 years. I miss those times (decades ago) I could have a drink before progressing to alcoholism. Oh well. The trade for sobriety is certainly worth it.

Obladi

Sohard,

7 days is wonderful!

Yep, it was fun drinking. A longggg time ago. More recently for me, it was blatantly an escape and not fun in any way. Just running away, which grown people aren't supposed to do. At least in such a hedonistic way. Maybe you also miss other things about those days long past that you also would not do today? Maybe you could put drinking in that "bucket" of youthful behaviors that you no longer do. Just an idea.

I'm sorry I forgot - I know you go to therapy, but what is keeping you from going to some group (or groups) for camaraderie?

Good good good.
What's your next target and what might keep you from getting there?

xo

O

Mac4711

Sohard,
Good morning to you! Regarding being sad that alcohol is out of your life, that happens to me as well once in a while. But then I remind myself of all the times I messed up (blackouts, offending other people, hiding alcohol, you name it) and I see the progressive nature of the disease and that it would only get worse. Like Obladi said above, let’s just think of this as one the things that we did in our youth.
Congrats on 7 days!

Sohard

Yes, you and Obladi are right. It stills feels strange to think of drinking as a youth thing, given that I drank MUCH more as an adult. I like that idea, though. I'm going to try it!

Sohard

Great point: I need a new target since I achieved "the week". I'll shoot for 30 days. As of now, I can't even imagine failing. But, you know, I can't make promises (although I want to).

Obladi

No thinking of shooting.
Do.

-Yodadi

Sohard

You know what? As I was writing that I was thinking about how I need to start thinking/writing with more conviction!

Sohard

I'm one week in and was feeling great. For some reason all of these intense thoughts came up today about my dad (who died from an incredibly long and difficult illness about 2 years ago). We could not have been closer. The pain literally took my breath away, as if it happened yesterday. I feel like crying now just writing about it, which is why I almost didn't write about it here. There is nothing I'd want more than to go home and numb myself with alcohol. Nothing.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss.

I walled up a lot of pain when I was drinking, When I stopped it was like the dam broke and a lot of old pain came flooding back.

Although our first impulse is to 'renumbify' ourselves - don't. Feeling grief is a natural process - it hurts but we lean on support and we get through.

Drinking again just halts that process and the wounds stay raw....so we need more 'medicine'....and so on & on it goes.

I know it's scary but you will get through this sohard

D

Sohard

That's a good way to phrase it: it IS scary. Thank you for your thoughts.

IFheweresaught

I reached the point where I had no mental defence against the first drink as described in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I "realized" that I was powerless over the progressive and ultimately fatal malady that I have weather I admitted it or not and weather I did anything about it or not. The solution is an action as opposed to self denial. We substitute a completely new and different way of life with God for the old way when we were our own guiding force. The "self" changes, we become new people who don't want to drink anymore.

Obladi

Sohard,

The thing that's going to be difficult for me (and perhaps you too) for some time to come is to pay attention to those feelings and also let them just be. Not wallow, not numb, just be.

For sure there are things that I "handled" with getting drunk that will rear their ugly heads once again. I'm putting my money on continued sobriety and my little daily meditations to help with that. How bout you?

O

Sohard

Just checking in. I'm on day 11. It helps me to count. Im feeling great but still a bit shocked alcohol is out of my life. Also embarrassed it ran it for so long. I just didn't realize. And sad. My father was addicted to cigarettes and it killed him with a long and painful death. It hurts to know he was trapped by an addiction his whole life. It's such a horrible way to live. First the disease of addiction and then the disease addiction caused. Sigh.

ScottFromWI

Congrats on day 11 Sohard. We all did things we regret while we were drinking, and yes it is somewhat embarrassing to look back at how blind we were to what was going on. But try not to ruminate on it too much...you can make choices today that will have a very positive effect on you and those around you. And people will notice it over time too.

Sohard

Thanks ScottFromWI. I do know (in the rational part of my mind) you are right. And on day 12, it is, for the most part, easier than on day 1. There is one aspect that is more difficult, however. I remember back when I first went on anti-depressants (right after college). I knew that the way they made me feel was more "normal", but unfortunately "normal" wasn't "normal" for me - sad and chaotic a bit obsessive was. I pushed through, though, and it became more "normal". I do know this will be the case with sobriety, too (if I make it). However, at least this early in the game, it feels so freaking abnormal. While people drink for a variety of reasons on top of addiction, my main reason on top of addiction I have realized, in the past 2 weeks, is to squash difficult emotions. Most particularly about my dad's death. As he was homebound for years, we spend countless times drinking wine, watching tv, and playing backgammon together. Memories I cherish. Sitting here now, I don't feel like ME. I'd kill for a glass of wine just to get me back in the mindset I was back then, it would almost make me feel closer to my dad. I could then sit and wallow in the memories in a way that I can't sober, even if they are more real when I am sober (perhaps too real then).

I know, I know. Everyone will say it is my mind playing tricks on me, trying to get me to drink. And I know you are largely right. Sometimes, however, I think I am just too damn sensitive/emotional and if anyone REALLY got the way I felt, they would damn well understand why I like to down a bottle of wine. I really do think that. Anyway. Just some thoughts.

Bob4x4

good work on the 12 days. keep it going.

. . . my dad passed away a few years ago when i was sober for 3 years, i didn't start drinking until 2 years later but i was still mourning his loss and the loss of the large family dinners and holidays that suddenly stopped because of (batsh.t) crazy mom. it takes a while to move forward, we only have one dad. I know the feeling you are talking of , spending time with him and missing it.

I told a friend about what was going on with me, my dad died and his sister had died recently (who was also an older friend and neighbour of mine), and i was depressed by all the recent losses and he just said, don't look back, keep going.

I knew how much pain / anger he was in but he was still planning vacations, and get-togethers, etc. and still had the state of mind and to care enough not to just tell me to F.O. and figure it out for myself. Or as some people have done - just ignore me until I'm not depressed anymore - LOL wtf kinda help is that?