Trying.
Life Goes On
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In between bouts of thinking and feeling like nothing (I'm on Day 20), I remember my friend's mantra, "Just Don't Drink." It helps. Any time you are being hard on yourself for anything, chalk your day up as a success if you Just Don't Drink.
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The sobriety mission continues. I'm not even 72 hours in, so it's still hell. I look fwd to it not being such an EFFORT. I know...take it one day at a time, keep posting, pat myself on the back for successes so far. It is just EXHAUSTING to have to put forth this effort, especially when it would seem so easy to quit. Of course, living as a drinking alcoholic is its own special kind of hell, isn't it? So, I guess I'm kind of trapped between a rock and a hard place.
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Originally Posted by Sohard 
The sobriety mission continues. I'm not even 72 hours in, so it's still hell. I look fwd to it not being such an EFFORT. I know...take it one day at a time, keep posting, pat myself on the back for successes so far. It is just EXHAUSTING to have to put forth this effort, especially when it would seem so easy to quit. Of course, living as a drinking alcoholic is its own special kind of hell, isn't it? So, I guess I'm kind of trapped between a rock and a hard place.
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Originally Posted by Obladi
You are most definitely not alone. Hang in there - tomorrow should be much better in physical terms.
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"I might drink tomorrow, but not today." is what I told myself the first month, after that it got easier and now 62 days in I don't have to say it anymore. I just at this point resist consuming alcohol. I've done extensive research on how alcohol actually affects your brain and causes addiction. A good read if you want to know what you're actually experiencing would be the following article:
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
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Originally Posted by Sohard
Thank you. I'm actually much less bothered at the point by the physical discomfort than the mental one. I want to feel like I've surrendered, but for some reason I don't. Despite how badly I want it. But, I'll just keep not drinking and hope that it will become the norm, I guess.
You can live on your feet or die on your knees.
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It depends on what you surrender to. I've surrendered to the impossibility of drinking and I am moving on. The surrender is also a giving up of the conflict in my brain. I don't fight with the addiction. When I fight with it, it wins. There's no need to fight with something I have released. Like giving up on a bad marriage: working on just not caring, because fighting with your spouse means you still care.
When I have surrendered, the fight is over. I give up on this, it's too difficult, it's too painful, damaging, humiliating, dangerous: it's over.
When I have surrendered, the fight is over. I give up on this, it's too difficult, it's too painful, damaging, humiliating, dangerous: it's over.
Life Goes On
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Glad you're feeling better physically - that's awesome.
If it helps any, I can relate very personally (and very presently) to psychic discomfort. I've been in that state for close to two weeks now, I think. After all the times I've stopped drinking, this one is different. Something about its quality and impact is just... different.
What do you feel you need to surrender to, Sohard?
O
If it helps any, I can relate very personally (and very presently) to psychic discomfort. I've been in that state for close to two weeks now, I think. After all the times I've stopped drinking, this one is different. Something about its quality and impact is just... different.
What do you feel you need to surrender to, Sohard?
O
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Perhaps surrender means I stop fighting. Give up the battle for control, quit trying to get everything on my terms. Perhaps it means opening my mind to new ideas, following suggestions without resistance. Perhaps the idea of surrender is achieved through the steps, and is summarised in the tenth step promises which start: "And we have ceased fighting anyone or any thing, even alcohol."
Perhaps my motivation for working the steps came from my total acceptance that alcohol had me beat, that I lacked the power to overcome it. From that position of seeming hopelessness I developed an absolute willingness to do what ever it took to recover. When I read about spiritual experience it seems that these conditions are a prerequisite. As the whole objective of the AA program is to have a life changing spiritual experience, surrender seems quite important.
Perhaps my motivation for working the steps came from my total acceptance that alcohol had me beat, that I lacked the power to overcome it. From that position of seeming hopelessness I developed an absolute willingness to do what ever it took to recover. When I read about spiritual experience it seems that these conditions are a prerequisite. As the whole objective of the AA program is to have a life changing spiritual experience, surrender seems quite important.
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Originally Posted by calvinm16
"I might drink tomorrow, but not today." is what I told myself the first month, after that it got easier and now 62 days in I don't have to say it anymore. I just at this point resist consuming alcohol. I've done extensive research on how alcohol actually affects your brain and causes addiction. A good read if you want to know what you're actually experiencing would be the following article:
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
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Everyone's thoughts are appreciated. I will try to explain what is gong on in my twisted up brain at the moment with my AVs screaming at me (I'm sure it is more than one voice!).
I initially quit last week at age 41, after having a bottle or more a day for over 20 years. I was PUMPED. I went through a hellish 3 days and then things stabilized. I got to day 7 before I screwed up. Some stupid incident where I took a cork out of an opener for my mom, using my teeth, because it was lodged in. I was CONVINCED I'd tasted a little wine on it, probably not, and so figured I might as well starting drinking for the night. I hadn't even felt weak that evening before this moment. My fault for being anywhere near wine. Lesson learned.
I knew immediately what I'd done was horrible for me. I vowed to start again on sobriety the next day, and that is what I did. Now I am on day 3. The thing is....
When I was on my FIRST day three, I was pumped, motivated, feeling how wonderful freedom from wine was, even thought I was still feeling physically shaken from withdrawal. The elation not to be enslaved by wine overrode everything else. But, this day 3 (my second day 3, if you will) is different...
I don't feel as pumped. I'm feel like, oh, this is my second time trying, probably one of many times I'll try in my life. I want to feel the SAME motivation and excitement as I had before on quitting round 1, or else I worry I'll just be a dry alcoholic. I want to be a FREE alcoholic. I don't understand why I can't get that feeling back when I'm trying so hard.
I initially quit last week at age 41, after having a bottle or more a day for over 20 years. I was PUMPED. I went through a hellish 3 days and then things stabilized. I got to day 7 before I screwed up. Some stupid incident where I took a cork out of an opener for my mom, using my teeth, because it was lodged in. I was CONVINCED I'd tasted a little wine on it, probably not, and so figured I might as well starting drinking for the night. I hadn't even felt weak that evening before this moment. My fault for being anywhere near wine. Lesson learned.
I knew immediately what I'd done was horrible for me. I vowed to start again on sobriety the next day, and that is what I did. Now I am on day 3. The thing is....
When I was on my FIRST day three, I was pumped, motivated, feeling how wonderful freedom from wine was, even thought I was still feeling physically shaken from withdrawal. The elation not to be enslaved by wine overrode everything else. But, this day 3 (my second day 3, if you will) is different...
I don't feel as pumped. I'm feel like, oh, this is my second time trying, probably one of many times I'll try in my life. I want to feel the SAME motivation and excitement as I had before on quitting round 1, or else I worry I'll just be a dry alcoholic. I want to be a FREE alcoholic. I don't understand why I can't get that feeling back when I'm trying so hard.
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Originally Posted by calvinm16
"I might drink tomorrow, but not today." is what I told myself the first month, after that it got easier and now 62 days in I don't have to say it anymore. I just at this point resist consuming alcohol. I've done extensive research on how alcohol actually affects your brain and causes addiction. A good read if you want to know what you're actually experiencing would be the following article:
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...14/310-339.htm
Life Goes On
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Originally Posted by Sohard
When I was on my FIRST day three, I was pumped, motivated, feeling how wonderful freedom from wine was, even thought I was still feeling physically shaken from withdrawal. The elation not to be enslaved by wine overrode everything else. But, this day 3 (my second day 3, if you will) is different...
I don't feel as pumped. I'm feel like, oh, this is my second time trying, probably one of many times I'll try in my life. I want to feel the SAME motivation and excitement as I had before on quitting round 1, or else I worry I'll just be a dry alcoholic. I want to be a FREE alcoholic. I don't understand why I can't get that feeling back when I'm trying so hard.
I don't feel as pumped. I'm feel like, oh, this is my second time trying, probably one of many times I'll try in my life. I want to feel the SAME motivation and excitement as I had before on quitting round 1, or else I worry I'll just be a dry alcoholic. I want to be a FREE alcoholic. I don't understand why I can't get that feeling back when I'm trying so hard.
I worry sometimes about being too opinionated or know-it-allish, so if I ever come off that way please disregard or tell me. I most certainly do not know everything; I'm just trying to figure this all out like you are. So. Here are my thoughts about what might be going on with you...
During the summer, I first heard the concept of wanting to get that feeling back. It was from addicts who call it "chasing the first high." Apparently this is a very common thing for people who abuse substances. I don't identify with that feeling in regard to using but I do identify in terms of quitting. I've never gotten that first rush of pride/pleasure since the first time I quit. I've quit an awful lot of times, so understand missing that feeling and discounting progress as "no big deal, you've been here before. So what."
Not being excited is no indicator whatsoever that you've become a dry drunk. It's a human thing. I don't know anyone who can honestly claim that the second time they did something that was thrilling, they got the same rush as the first time.
I think you are very fortunate indeed for recognizing this feeling. It took me years and years to get that far. Now, I see that there is hard work to be done. Not with quitting - quitting is easy. Staying quit is the really hard part because now I'm facing myself in the mirror and realizing that I've got work to do.
If we transform that feeling to "I've got discovery to do!" it's much more palatable. I'm getting there, but honestly it doesn't change the fact that it's not easy to abandon my go-to "I don't care" drug. But I'm convinced that it must be done.
Hope something in there was helpful...
O
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Originally Posted by Sohard
I don't feel as pumped. I'm feel like, oh, this is my second time trying, probably one of many times I'll try in my life. I want to feel the SAME motivation and excitement as I had before on quitting round 1, or else I worry I'll just be a dry alcoholic. I want to be a FREE alcoholic. I don't understand why I can't get that feeling back when I'm trying so hard.
One of the things we have to also recognize is that as addicts, we have a predisposition to want instant gratification. That's why we drink....because it does give us that initial rush/pleasure right away. But it's unrealistic to expect that just stopping drinking is going to make us "feel good" all the time. There are a lot of things in life that will make us not feel good: Illness, money problems, jobs, conflict, family - the list is long. Not drinking alcohol is good for us, but it doesn't solve any of those other problems. And the hardest part of getting sober is to face those problems head on, vs running away to a bottle and trying to hide.
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Originally Posted by Obladi
SoHard, I am so glad you are sharing your journey here. It is so comforting to be able to feel a connection to another addict, even via electronic means.
I worry sometimes about being too opinionated or know-it-allish, so if I ever come off that way please disregard or tell me. I most certainly do not know everything; I'm just trying to figure this all out like you are. So. Here are my thoughts about what might be going on with you...
During the summer, I first heard the concept of wanting to get that feeling back. It was from addicts who call it "chasing the first high." Apparently this is a very common thing for people who abuse substances. I don't identify with that feeling in regard to using but I do identify in terms of quitting. I've never gotten that first rush of pride/pleasure since the first time I quit. I've quit an awful lot of times, so understand missing that feeling and discounting progress as "no big deal, you've been here before. So what."
Not being excited is no indicator whatsoever that you've become a dry drunk. It's a human thing. I don't know anyone who can honestly claim that the second time they did something that was thrilling, they got the same rush as the first time.
I think you are very fortunate indeed for recognizing this feeling. It took me years and years to get that far. Now, I see that there is hard work to be done. Not with quitting - quitting is easy. Staying quit is the really hard part because now I'm facing myself in the mirror and realizing that I've got work to do.
If we transform that feeling to "I've got discovery to do!" it's much more palatable. I'm getting there, but honestly it doesn't change the fact that it's not easy to abandon my go-to "I don't care" drug. But I'm convinced that it must be done.
Hope something in there was helpful...
O
I worry sometimes about being too opinionated or know-it-allish, so if I ever come off that way please disregard or tell me. I most certainly do not know everything; I'm just trying to figure this all out like you are. So. Here are my thoughts about what might be going on with you...
During the summer, I first heard the concept of wanting to get that feeling back. It was from addicts who call it "chasing the first high." Apparently this is a very common thing for people who abuse substances. I don't identify with that feeling in regard to using but I do identify in terms of quitting. I've never gotten that first rush of pride/pleasure since the first time I quit. I've quit an awful lot of times, so understand missing that feeling and discounting progress as "no big deal, you've been here before. So what."
Not being excited is no indicator whatsoever that you've become a dry drunk. It's a human thing. I don't know anyone who can honestly claim that the second time they did something that was thrilling, they got the same rush as the first time.
I think you are very fortunate indeed for recognizing this feeling. It took me years and years to get that far. Now, I see that there is hard work to be done. Not with quitting - quitting is easy. Staying quit is the really hard part because now I'm facing myself in the mirror and realizing that I've got work to do.
If we transform that feeling to "I've got discovery to do!" it's much more palatable. I'm getting there, but honestly it doesn't change the fact that it's not easy to abandon my go-to "I don't care" drug. But I'm convinced that it must be done.
Hope something in there was helpful...
O
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Perhaps it's not because you aren't trying "hard" but maybe you aren't trying the right things? Do you take any time out of your day to work a specific recovery program or to work on areas of your life associated with underyling/related isses? Or are you just trying to "not drink"?
One of the things we have to also recognize is that as addicts, we have a predisposition to want instant gratification. That's why we drink....because it does give us that initial rush/pleasure right away. But it's unrealistic to expect that just stopping drinking is going to make us "feel good" all the time. There are a lot of things in life that will make us not feel good: Illness, money problems, jobs, conflict, family - the list is long. Not drinking alcohol is good for us, but it doesn't solve any of those other problems. And the hardest part of getting sober is to face those problems head on, vs running away to a bottle and trying to hide.
One of the things we have to also recognize is that as addicts, we have a predisposition to want instant gratification. That's why we drink....because it does give us that initial rush/pleasure right away. But it's unrealistic to expect that just stopping drinking is going to make us "feel good" all the time. There are a lot of things in life that will make us not feel good: Illness, money problems, jobs, conflict, family - the list is long. Not drinking alcohol is good for us, but it doesn't solve any of those other problems. And the hardest part of getting sober is to face those problems head on, vs running away to a bottle and trying to hide.
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Originally Posted by Sohard
Scott, thanks for your thoughts. Other than just not drinking, I am staying on SR, seeing a therapist 3 days a week, and reading and listening to anything and everything there is on this topic. I tend to be OCD (not fake OCD like people use in everyday conversation nowadays, but real OCD) so take medication for that. I've just found myself obsessing that this second attempt at quitting is less real than the first attempt (whatever the hell that means) so I'm feeling not as strong or sure as I was on attempt number 1. Make any sense??
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Originally Posted by Obladi
SoHard, I am so glad you are sharing your journey here. It is so comforting to be able to feel a connection to another addict, even via electronic means.
I worry sometimes about being too opinionated or know-it-allish, so if I ever come off that way please disregard or tell me. I most certainly do not know everything; I'm just trying to figure this all out like you are. So. Here are my thoughts about what might be going on with you...
During the summer, I first heard the concept of wanting to get that feeling back. It was from addicts who call it "chasing the first high." Apparently this is a very common thing for people who abuse substances. I don't identify with that feeling in regard to using but I do identify in terms of quitting. I've never gotten that first rush of pride/pleasure since the first time I quit. I've quit an awful lot of times, so understand missing that feeling and discounting progress as "no big deal, you've been here before. So what."
Not being excited is no indicator whatsoever that you've become a dry drunk. It's a human thing. I don't know anyone who can honestly claim that the second time they did something that was thrilling, they got the same rush as the first time.
I think you are very fortunate indeed for recognizing this feeling. It took me years and years to get that far. Now, I see that there is hard work to be done. Not with quitting - quitting is easy. Staying quit is the really hard part because now I'm facing myself in the mirror and realizing that I've got work to do.
If we transform that feeling to "I've got discovery to do!" it's much more palatable. I'm getting there, but honestly it doesn't change the fact that it's not easy to abandon my go-to "I don't care" drug. But I'm convinced that it must be done.
Hope something in there was helpful...
O
I worry sometimes about being too opinionated or know-it-allish, so if I ever come off that way please disregard or tell me. I most certainly do not know everything; I'm just trying to figure this all out like you are. So. Here are my thoughts about what might be going on with you...
During the summer, I first heard the concept of wanting to get that feeling back. It was from addicts who call it "chasing the first high." Apparently this is a very common thing for people who abuse substances. I don't identify with that feeling in regard to using but I do identify in terms of quitting. I've never gotten that first rush of pride/pleasure since the first time I quit. I've quit an awful lot of times, so understand missing that feeling and discounting progress as "no big deal, you've been here before. So what."
Not being excited is no indicator whatsoever that you've become a dry drunk. It's a human thing. I don't know anyone who can honestly claim that the second time they did something that was thrilling, they got the same rush as the first time.
I think you are very fortunate indeed for recognizing this feeling. It took me years and years to get that far. Now, I see that there is hard work to be done. Not with quitting - quitting is easy. Staying quit is the really hard part because now I'm facing myself in the mirror and realizing that I've got work to do.
If we transform that feeling to "I've got discovery to do!" it's much more palatable. I'm getting there, but honestly it doesn't change the fact that it's not easy to abandon my go-to "I don't care" drug. But I'm convinced that it must be done.
Hope something in there was helpful...
O
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