Thanks ScottFromWI. I do know (in the rational part of my mind) you are right. And on day 12, it is, for the most part, easier than on day 1. There is one aspect that is more difficult, however. I remember back when I first went on anti-depressants (right after college). I knew that the way they made me feel was more "normal", but unfortunately "normal" wasn't "normal" for me - sad and chaotic a bit obsessive was. I pushed through, though, and it became more "normal". I do know this will be the case with sobriety, too (if I make it). However, at least this early in the game, it feels so freaking abnormal. While people drink for a variety of reasons on top of addiction, my main reason on top of addiction I have realized, in the past 2 weeks, is to squash difficult emotions. Most particularly about my dad's death. As he was homebound for years, we spend countless times drinking wine, watching tv, and playing backgammon together. Memories I cherish. Sitting here now, I don't feel like ME. I'd kill for a glass of wine just to get me back in the mindset I was back then, it would almost make me feel closer to my dad. I could then sit and wallow in the memories in a way that I can't sober, even if they are more real when I am sober (perhaps too real then).
I know, I know. Everyone will say it is my mind playing tricks on me, trying to get me to drink. And I know you are largely right. Sometimes, however, I think I am just too damn sensitive/emotional and if anyone REALLY got the way I felt, they would damn well understand why I like to down a bottle of wine. I really do think that. Anyway. Just some thoughts.