It Is, Quite Literally, Always A New Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Mizz. Eating helps, for sure. I tend to forget these days...
That "playing the tape forward" exercise hasn't been helpful to date. I hope to get to the point of being able to visualize some day. All joking aside, I do need to make a habit of keeping that notebook on my person at all times; writing activates my rational brain. I'm not having active thoughts or impulses to actually drink, I just want to create another action/activity/thought that helps me to pull the alarm if ever the need arises again. Hope that makes sense.
(How, O, oh how, are you mixing and matching AVRT and non-AVRT at the same time? I dunno - it just seems to be effective at this time. For me.)
Kid called as requested and I wasn't even awake yet! So there was no way for her to gauge my moo. Turns out to be a good thing because she needed to vent about her very non-professional manager and other crazy shenanigans at work. I was happy to be there just to listen. And get this - I didn't try to solve anything for her because that's not what she needed right then!
*Applause sign flashes*
Physically: Headache (I'm tired of saying that)
Mentally: Alert and awake. Quite different from the last couple of weeks.
Spiritually: I remembered to say Thank You! this morning. Not sure "who" that's directed to, but that's fine. It makes me feel good.
That "playing the tape forward" exercise hasn't been helpful to date. I hope to get to the point of being able to visualize some day. All joking aside, I do need to make a habit of keeping that notebook on my person at all times; writing activates my rational brain. I'm not having active thoughts or impulses to actually drink, I just want to create another action/activity/thought that helps me to pull the alarm if ever the need arises again. Hope that makes sense.
(How, O, oh how, are you mixing and matching AVRT and non-AVRT at the same time? I dunno - it just seems to be effective at this time. For me.)
Kid called as requested and I wasn't even awake yet! So there was no way for her to gauge my moo. Turns out to be a good thing because she needed to vent about her very non-professional manager and other crazy shenanigans at work. I was happy to be there just to listen. And get this - I didn't try to solve anything for her because that's not what she needed right then!
*Applause sign flashes*
Physically: Headache (I'm tired of saying that)
Mentally: Alert and awake. Quite different from the last couple of weeks.
Spiritually: I remembered to say Thank You! this morning. Not sure "who" that's directed to, but that's fine. It makes me feel good.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
My grandmother had some mood disorder. When she went downhill, she went way down - my mother called it "Psychotic Depression" yesterday when we were trying to define it. Grandma was never diagnosed although she did go for ECT when she'd gone too far - and it worked.
Every time we'd visit, my dad would ask how she was. If she responded, "I'm fine; have a headache," dad would heartily say, "Good!" Over the years, he realized that the absence of a headache was a warning sign that her mood was potentially on the fritz.
Interesting.
Turns out there's science behind that, sort of, some 6 decades too late for grandma:
Every time we'd visit, my dad would ask how she was. If she responded, "I'm fine; have a headache," dad would heartily say, "Good!" Over the years, he realized that the absence of a headache was a warning sign that her mood was potentially on the fritz.
Interesting.
Turns out there's science behind that, sort of, some 6 decades too late for grandma:
Researchers have suggested that a common predisposition to anxiety disorders, depression, and migraines may exist. Migraines and chronic daily headaches are common in people who suffer from anxiety disorders. Migraine headaches can precede the onset of mental disorders, according to a 2009 study.
Headaches | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
https://adaa.org/understanding-anxie...sses/headaches
Seems like every medication has a potential side effect of worsening the condition. Seems like maybe grandma's brain worked in that way. Maybe.
Headaches | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
https://adaa.org/understanding-anxie...sses/headaches
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I know your Beast doesn't want to hear about a BP, lol. But there are some other very useful concepts in the AVRT lexicon. You could try searching for the term vertigo in the threads in Sec Con.
I still do shifting exercises from time to time . I drive past all the places I used to buy booze all the time . Sometimes I'll 'pretend' to myself I'm about to pull in and wait to feel what pops up , the excitement , sense of relief , not so quiet cheering of the AV .
It helps to reinforce the idea of separation .
I couldn't keep myself 'in sobriety' , prevent relapses , work on myself enough to fix the causes.
But I figured out I could keep IT from getting booze, by deciding to accept the leap of faith , I required, and trust myself that I could quit , forever, for good.
I turned the addiction's maxim of never say never against itself and said never again. AVRT doesn't 'work' without a BP, without a Big Plan I was essentially planning to drink more at some future time . I don't drink now, and this now too
The idea that I can't not drink right now is simply wrong, ipso it's true that whenever now happens it is entirely possible that I can not drink.
I still do shifting exercises from time to time . I drive past all the places I used to buy booze all the time . Sometimes I'll 'pretend' to myself I'm about to pull in and wait to feel what pops up , the excitement , sense of relief , not so quiet cheering of the AV .
It helps to reinforce the idea of separation .
I couldn't keep myself 'in sobriety' , prevent relapses , work on myself enough to fix the causes.
But I figured out I could keep IT from getting booze, by deciding to accept the leap of faith , I required, and trust myself that I could quit , forever, for good.
I turned the addiction's maxim of never say never against itself and said never again. AVRT doesn't 'work' without a BP, without a Big Plan I was essentially planning to drink more at some future time . I don't drink now, and this now too
The idea that I can't not drink right now is simply wrong, ipso it's true that whenever now happens it is entirely possible that I can not drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Hey O and her followers,
I am sorry for the radio silence -- have a terrible travelling month for work that will find me in Hong Kong (twice), London, Abuja, Miami, Mexico City, and Nashville (believe it or not). And home from time to time in between to check in on my 13 year old and my not Husband. Crazy.
But I do enjoy it some of the time, and tolerate it the rest. And at least I am blessed with work.
No matter where I am I check in on you folk, but apologies about the lack of replies.
I have now caught up on all the posts, and would say this.
For me, playing it forward is essential. I cannot remember the last time I drank, but it has been years. But I was always at risk of drinking again until the moment it hit me that abstinence really is not control, and that if I drink again, ever, it will always have the same consequences.
I realised this for certain when after my mother died some friends who came over suggested a drink in her honour, and I agreed cause at that point I truly thought I have this. And I then spent a month or so drinking, not crazy, but not one drink on a Friday either. And I knew then that no matter what, I am just not a one drink kind of gal.
And that the consequences are simply not worth any pleasure.
I am now, maybe for the first time, also at the point where I don't even see the pleasure. Just lack of control and weakness.
But I got here by realising that there really is no such thing for me EVER as one drink.
So my friend, that is what I would work on. Whether you get there through writing stuff down, standing on your head, what ever works for you.
But you know you can stop drinking its the staying stopped that is the issue. And staying stopped depends on knowing in your soul that it is always the better option. Indeed the only option.
I also love the Hip Sobriety website and did her course with a friend. By the time I did it, I had not drunk in a long time but still found it terrific and would highly highly recommend to anyone on this road.
My therapist also told me a great practical trick for a craving that works. Really.
Every time you have a caring for anything, twirl around three times. It resets your brain.
I love you -- you got this -- a dear friend told me that she thinks everyone has 10,000 drinks in them -- she just got hers in early!
We only get one ride on this rodeo, what a shame to waste it bombed.
XXX
I am sorry for the radio silence -- have a terrible travelling month for work that will find me in Hong Kong (twice), London, Abuja, Miami, Mexico City, and Nashville (believe it or not). And home from time to time in between to check in on my 13 year old and my not Husband. Crazy.
But I do enjoy it some of the time, and tolerate it the rest. And at least I am blessed with work.
No matter where I am I check in on you folk, but apologies about the lack of replies.
I have now caught up on all the posts, and would say this.
For me, playing it forward is essential. I cannot remember the last time I drank, but it has been years. But I was always at risk of drinking again until the moment it hit me that abstinence really is not control, and that if I drink again, ever, it will always have the same consequences.
I realised this for certain when after my mother died some friends who came over suggested a drink in her honour, and I agreed cause at that point I truly thought I have this. And I then spent a month or so drinking, not crazy, but not one drink on a Friday either. And I knew then that no matter what, I am just not a one drink kind of gal.
And that the consequences are simply not worth any pleasure.
I am now, maybe for the first time, also at the point where I don't even see the pleasure. Just lack of control and weakness.
But I got here by realising that there really is no such thing for me EVER as one drink.
So my friend, that is what I would work on. Whether you get there through writing stuff down, standing on your head, what ever works for you.
But you know you can stop drinking its the staying stopped that is the issue. And staying stopped depends on knowing in your soul that it is always the better option. Indeed the only option.
I also love the Hip Sobriety website and did her course with a friend. By the time I did it, I had not drunk in a long time but still found it terrific and would highly highly recommend to anyone on this road.
My therapist also told me a great practical trick for a craving that works. Really.
Every time you have a caring for anything, twirl around three times. It resets your brain.
I love you -- you got this -- a dear friend told me that she thinks everyone has 10,000 drinks in them -- she just got hers in early!
We only get one ride on this rodeo, what a shame to waste it bombed.
XXX
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks for keeping the fire stoked yesterday, friends.
The headache has been a lifelong thing, not brought on by the meds, but perhaps exacerbated by one or another. I do drink lots of water. Seems this might just be part of my makeup.
Vertigo... yeah I've been meaning to go back and re-read some of that stuff. Maybe that's a good plan for tonight.
Dropsie! How good to hear from you. That's quite the globe hopping you're doing there while I sit in my tidy home doing next to nothing. It will be nice to have a cuppa once you settle down.
Interesting twist this evening. Youngest appeared, clearly despondent. We talked a bit and I offered to let her stay a couple of nights while I think about whether she might be able to stay a couple of months. Seems a ceasefire is in place.
I honestly don't know what to think of this.
I won't drink.
Physically: like I just got punched
Mentally: calm, leery
Spiritually: meditation is in order
The headache has been a lifelong thing, not brought on by the meds, but perhaps exacerbated by one or another. I do drink lots of water. Seems this might just be part of my makeup.
Vertigo... yeah I've been meaning to go back and re-read some of that stuff. Maybe that's a good plan for tonight.
Dropsie! How good to hear from you. That's quite the globe hopping you're doing there while I sit in my tidy home doing next to nothing. It will be nice to have a cuppa once you settle down.
Interesting twist this evening. Youngest appeared, clearly despondent. We talked a bit and I offered to let her stay a couple of nights while I think about whether she might be able to stay a couple of months. Seems a ceasefire is in place.
I honestly don't know what to think of this.
I won't drink.
Physically: like I just got punched
Mentally: calm, leery
Spiritually: meditation is in order
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I want to eat all manner of crap right now. Feeling a bit ill at ease as the daughter and I move about the house a bit (me turning off lights behind her).
Tense in the shoulders, no headache (!?).
Ok... she is here because she needs me; at least my home. Or needs to have someone/something to count on.
Breathe.
Tense in the shoulders, no headache (!?).
Ok... she is here because she needs me; at least my home. Or needs to have someone/something to count on.
Breathe.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
My kid needs... I will do my best to provide help while maintaining boundaries. Haven't thought about what those are, much. Aside from what she already knows from living with me these past 19 years.
Last night, she had to unload a load of stuff all over again from our past. I was careful not to respond to pragmatic things and instead paid attention to the feelings. I acknowledged and apologized and very judiciously (I think?) interjected some thoughts I've been thinking lately.
Woke up, turned to my Netflix, and just - got OUT of bed and did the stuff I should do. Shower, feed cats, check bank balance, pay a couple of bills, take meds, etc. Doing dishes I was aware that I was making noise and imagined that the kid could be annoyed and pissy at this. Not a helpful thought, but it could be true, still not helpful. Heart is beating harder, body feels like I might have to run. Try to shake it off by moving along - I have things to do! It doesn't work.
Ok, first things first. Meditate. That helps some. Typing right now I feel flushed/sweaty and my stomach is sour or aching. No headache. hmmm
I have zero desire to drink. ( Now, dwtb.)
Physically: See above
Mentally: Difficulty focusing, but getting by. Anxious about returning to work - it's showing up in my dreams.
Spiritually: Just remembered to say "Thank You."
Last night, she had to unload a load of stuff all over again from our past. I was careful not to respond to pragmatic things and instead paid attention to the feelings. I acknowledged and apologized and very judiciously (I think?) interjected some thoughts I've been thinking lately.
Woke up, turned to my Netflix, and just - got OUT of bed and did the stuff I should do. Shower, feed cats, check bank balance, pay a couple of bills, take meds, etc. Doing dishes I was aware that I was making noise and imagined that the kid could be annoyed and pissy at this. Not a helpful thought, but it could be true, still not helpful. Heart is beating harder, body feels like I might have to run. Try to shake it off by moving along - I have things to do! It doesn't work.
Ok, first things first. Meditate. That helps some. Typing right now I feel flushed/sweaty and my stomach is sour or aching. No headache. hmmm
I have zero desire to drink. ( Now, dwtb.)
Physically: See above
Mentally: Difficulty focusing, but getting by. Anxious about returning to work - it's showing up in my dreams.
Spiritually: Just remembered to say "Thank You."
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Music and Song
When I woke this morning and made the conviction to get my arse out of bed, an old 70s church song came to me: "I cannot come, I cannot come to the banquet don't trouble me now. I have married a wife, I have bought me a cow..." It's all about procrastination about getting to God's place and makes me smile every time I think of it. My sister and I used to goofily sing "I have bought me a wife, I have married a cow."
Got going. Sometime between brushing teeth and washing dishes, my brain started singing "A Day in the Life."
Went to a meeting where the topic was learning to be an emotional grown-up. Of course. On the way home, "Hey Jude" came on the radio.
I'm on tenterhooks for which band or genre will win best of 5.
Got going. Sometime between brushing teeth and washing dishes, my brain started singing "A Day in the Life."
Went to a meeting where the topic was learning to be an emotional grown-up. Of course. On the way home, "Hey Jude" came on the radio.
I'm on tenterhooks for which band or genre will win best of 5.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Headaches
Just a thought.
Perhaps headaches are indicative of the relationship right now between Me and beast activity. Just thinking this because I have absolutely zero desire to drink right now and I have no headache.
Perhaps headaches are indicative of the relationship right now between Me and beast activity. Just thinking this because I have absolutely zero desire to drink right now and I have no headache.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Nope that's not it
I think maybe there's just no figuring out the headaches. Ima just keep goin and hope they will resolve via better living. In the future, no mention of a headache means you can assume there is one. 
Got released to return to work tomorrow. Please send prayers, good mojo, or jujubees my way, whatever your inclination may be.
Two meetings today, plus lupper with the eldest. Paid bills, read and was otherwise useful in the in-betweens. It was no worse than laying around watching Amazon videos all day and much more satisfying, so I'll try to stick with that approach.
Physically: A little warm! It's still 70 degrees out and breezy. Really nice. House is holding the day's previous tropical high of 74.
Mentally: More meditation is in order, I think. Try to get centered for tomorrow.
Spiritually: Dare I say somewhat at peace? There, I said it.
Got released to return to work tomorrow. Please send prayers, good mojo, or jujubees my way, whatever your inclination may be.
Two meetings today, plus lupper with the eldest. Paid bills, read and was otherwise useful in the in-betweens. It was no worse than laying around watching Amazon videos all day and much more satisfying, so I'll try to stick with that approach.
Physically: A little warm! It's still 70 degrees out and breezy. Really nice. House is holding the day's previous tropical high of 74.
Mentally: More meditation is in order, I think. Try to get centered for tomorrow.
Spiritually: Dare I say somewhat at peace? There, I said it.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I knew getting through morning ablutions and whatnot would be a challenge when work came into the picture. Doing fairly well so far. Only hit snooze twice and just need to chat at you fine people, do a bit o meditation, dress and get gone. (So what DID you do so far, O? Oh other stuff... )
Physically: Slept well and feeling overall good. No headache!
Mentally: I suspect I'm stuffing anxiety into a dark spot somewhere. On the other hand, I feel alert and able to focus.
Spiritually: Thankful for focus today on being good: wise, temperate, courageous, just
)Physically: Slept well and feeling overall good. No headache!
Mentally: I suspect I'm stuffing anxiety into a dark spot somewhere. On the other hand, I feel alert and able to focus.
Spiritually: Thankful for focus today on being good: wise, temperate, courageous, just
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I think maybe they are a little afraid of me. "She was out on leave! Twice! And we're not quite sure why, but clearly it wasn't physical. Shhhh... you might upset her. Worse yet, you might say something wrong and upset HR!"
Or maybe they're just nice people.
Could be both.
Anyhow, the day was chill and that was awesome. I even went for a walk with some coworkers to get our annual flu vaccine. Something I would've normally taken care of on my own time even though it's required for work.
IOP was good too. I met with my counselor and we ran out of time, as usual. I'll go back next week to finish that conversation. I graduate next Tuesday from IOP and will then go to once weekly Continuing Care (CC) sessions. I am leery because (1) I'm coming up to 30 days again shortly and (2) going once weekly will give me less oversight. I know I'm a grown woman and I know I'm the only person who can control me. But I think you also know what I mean. (Time for a BP, dwtbd? I just realized I'd been making you tb instead of tbd; rather Shakespearean of me, no? What's the dw portion of this?)
I got all fired up during the group discussion hour because several people described the AV so clearly. I just had to lay the concept of the beast and RR on them. Some people were really taken by it, so that was fun/cool.
Home now and set my alarm which will be ringing me in seven hours so I really must take my leave.
Oh I have news on the youngest kid, too. Cliffhanger, y'all! I'll tell you tomorrow.
Physically: Good! No headache!
Mentally: Keen and bright.
Spiritually: Present in the now for now
Or maybe they're just nice people.
Could be both.
Anyhow, the day was chill and that was awesome. I even went for a walk with some coworkers to get our annual flu vaccine. Something I would've normally taken care of on my own time even though it's required for work.
IOP was good too. I met with my counselor and we ran out of time, as usual. I'll go back next week to finish that conversation. I graduate next Tuesday from IOP and will then go to once weekly Continuing Care (CC) sessions. I am leery because (1) I'm coming up to 30 days again shortly and (2) going once weekly will give me less oversight. I know I'm a grown woman and I know I'm the only person who can control me. But I think you also know what I mean. (Time for a BP, dwtbd? I just realized I'd been making you tb instead of tbd; rather Shakespearean of me, no? What's the dw portion of this?)
I got all fired up during the group discussion hour because several people described the AV so clearly. I just had to lay the concept of the beast and RR on them. Some people were really taken by it, so that was fun/cool.
Home now and set my alarm which will be ringing me in seven hours so I really must take my leave.
Oh I have news on the youngest kid, too. Cliffhanger, y'all! I'll tell you tomorrow.
Physically: Good! No headache!
Mentally: Keen and bright.
Spiritually: Present in the now for now
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Rose!
All neurons are firing on full blast, Scottie! Warp Speed 6 and set a course for Planet Mania.
This morning, I am very mindful of my thinking and am thinking "No wonder I can't do visualization exercises - I'm always watching myself think!" Think about a leaf floating down the pond, O. " So I proceed to think about the fact that I am thinking about an imaginary leaf floating down an imaginary pond and get stuck because I can't "see"it. Interestingly, I just did the visualization by typing what it looked like here (erased it) - and it was actually successful. What does that mean?
Other things - no headache! no wait, there is a headache. ok it's gone again. what was I thinking the moment before? I was thinking that I have an infection in one of my teeth and it's likely travelling to my brain and that's probably why I have a headache and now I'm going to die of a brain infection and that makes sense because I'm convinced that's what Dad died of and I've had this nagging feeling for years that I'm somehow determined to die like Dad did. In a way. Or maybe it's because I have this on site visit today and that's a little stressful. I dunno.
No time to expose more of my whack-job thinking - need to get on the road.
xo
Physically: Feeling fairly well, overall. Don't like that Very Stiff feeling when I get up.
Mentally: See above. Actually, I'm also feeling sort of happy.
Spiritually: Trying
Oh, one more thing quick! This morning's AA meditation was all about living in the Now because Now is all we ever have. I copied it and sent it off to my counselor at IOP because it's right in line with what I was trying to convey last night. Sounds an awful lot like AVRT, no?
All neurons are firing on full blast, Scottie! Warp Speed 6 and set a course for Planet Mania.
This morning, I am very mindful of my thinking and am thinking "No wonder I can't do visualization exercises - I'm always watching myself think!" Think about a leaf floating down the pond, O. " So I proceed to think about the fact that I am thinking about an imaginary leaf floating down an imaginary pond and get stuck because I can't "see"it. Interestingly, I just did the visualization by typing what it looked like here (erased it) - and it was actually successful. What does that mean?
Other things - no headache! no wait, there is a headache. ok it's gone again. what was I thinking the moment before? I was thinking that I have an infection in one of my teeth and it's likely travelling to my brain and that's probably why I have a headache and now I'm going to die of a brain infection and that makes sense because I'm convinced that's what Dad died of and I've had this nagging feeling for years that I'm somehow determined to die like Dad did. In a way. Or maybe it's because I have this on site visit today and that's a little stressful. I dunno.
No time to expose more of my whack-job thinking - need to get on the road.
xo
Physically: Feeling fairly well, overall. Don't like that Very Stiff feeling when I get up.
Mentally: See above.
Actually, I'm also feeling sort of happy. Spiritually: Trying
Oh, one more thing quick! This morning's AA meditation was all about living in the Now because Now is all we ever have. I copied it and sent it off to my counselor at IOP because it's right in line with what I was trying to convey last night. Sounds an awful lot like AVRT, no?
I have finally realized the great fact that all I have is now. Now is mine. I can do what I want with it. I own it, for better or worse. What I do now, in this present moment, is what makes up my life. My whole life is only a succession of nows.
- Quoted from the book 24 Hours a Day.
- Quoted from the book 24 Hours a Day.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Now is always the time for a Big Plan, see what I did there ?
don't
want
to
be
drunk
Being a perpetual hunt and pecker , when I picked my id I figured this phrase would not 'roll off the fingers' easily and would make me think about. It started as imperative statement to reinforce 'myself' and became a declarative, it worked
don't
want
to
be
drunk
Being a perpetual hunt and pecker , when I picked my id I figured this phrase would not 'roll off the fingers' easily and would make me think about. It started as imperative statement to reinforce 'myself' and became a declarative, it worked
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