readerbaby71

If someone asks I say, "Drinking isn' good for me so I decided to quit."

August252015

I gently echo this. Big time.

A few thoughts from my first sponsor's advice and early days- it's not about you; most people don't care and those who do are either supportive and those who don't likely have some issue with something (alcohol or whatever) that is their own problem. And, most people- even those close to us or in our circle of friends and family- just aren't that invested in our sobriety. Which is fine- even good- because like someone else said, it's your thang.

I have found that I intuitively know how to handle many things (I am an AA-er hence that phrasing) that used to baffle me (I am paraphrasing BB, 4th ed)- including what, how, and when to tell people. Now at 425 days, I have a range of responses and plenty more people that know some version of why I quit drinking, and some just know me as a non-drinker; this comes pretty naturally and in conversation, mostly.

Lastly, as my first sponsor said- we never (ever) OWE anyone an explanation or justification. Gradually, I became comfortable anywhere and with anyone- and if I ever don't, I make a polite exit. Family, friends, whomever.

I've got enough to think over without creating problems - for me, one step and one day and one event at a time. The best news is that you have a happy, sober life you said yourself you are excited about! That's what we need to hang on to, always.

SnazzyDresser

I played this very close to the vest, figuring it was ultimately my business and no one else's.

thomas11

My own opinion is that you are in complete control as to how people will react when you tell them. If you make a big deal out of it, they probably will too. If you casually tell them you quit drinking and carry on the conversation, it probably won't even register on their radar. I choose to be very low key about it. Sobriety is my journey, and whether I succeed or fail is on my shoulders.

Verona

Interesting to read everyone's replies. When I got sober the first time my councellor advised me to announce it to everyone. It didn't work out that great, I was still vulnerable in early sobriety and the conversations stressed me out even though most people encouraged me. Not everyone though which was hard. I think I'll do it differently this time around.

JeffreyAK

The people who mattered to me, by and large, already knew I had a drinking problem and were happy to see/hear that I had finally quit. Everyone else, I reckoned it's really none of their business. There are lots of stories of bad outcomes when people announce their problems to everyone, or get overly personal with TMI - quitting drinking is huge for us, and sometime we want to stand on a podium and tell the world, but most people either don't care or don't want to be reminded that they themselves may have a drinking problem.

What does happen rarely, with people I don't know well, is that I'll say I don't drink (like when a group wants to hit the bar at a conference, and I say I don't drink but I'll tag along and have an iced tea), and they will ask why not. This has only happened a few times, like once every year or two, but it has happened. My response has been basically, I already drank my lifetime quota, I'm done with alcohol. That has always shut them down. If it's someone I have a stronger relationship with, or want to, I might go a bit farther, that alcohol become a problem and so I quit drinking entirely. I've never had reason to go into more detail than that, with people who don't already know the story.

Wholesome

I've just been out for a long walk with my dog, who btw loves that mummy quit drinking! It's not just a walk anymore to get through, it's an adventure, sometimes we are gone for hours. Anyway I find that it's the best way to clear my mind if I'm bothered by something. I've decided that I'm not going to the bar (it's actually a brew house), I have no business in bars, there's nothing there for me anymore. I don't want to go. Could I get through it and have a reasonably good time? Sure. But it's stressing me out and I should listen to myself. My bf might be a bit disappointed, but he'll live. I'm sure he will suffer worse tragedies than me refusing to go to a bar with him. Plus he'll have other people there to hang out with. I figure that if I'm going to tell a lie it might as well be about why I'm not going instead of why I'm not drinking.

2ndhandrose

I think you have made a good decision, zen.

Listen to your innards

courage2

I agree with 2ndhandrose. The very fact that you started this thread and voiced all those worries suggested the event was making you more nervous than you knew. That's perfectly ok. Essential rule for a sober life: if something doesn't feel like it fits with your sobriety, *don't do it*!

Dee74

That sounds like a great decision

D

Wholesome

Yeah my bf was cheesed but so be it. Why put myself into the lions den if I don't have to? It's not because I'm afraid I would buckle and drink. I wouldn't. It's that I would be uncomfortable and anxious. I feel selfish for bailing on him on his birthday but I'll take him out for brunch tomorrow when he's all hungover and craving greasy food.

Wholesome

So my boyfriend outed me, he told everyone there that the reason I didn't come was that I'd quit drinking and was uncomfortable going to a bar. The very discussion I was trying to avoid he dropped on everyone without me there to explain myself. WTF? He says that everyone was very understanding. I feel betrayed, it wasn't his place to share that private information. I guess people were going to find out eventually anyways but I would have liked to tell them in my own way and in my own words. He sure showed me. That'll learn me for not doing what he wants. Jerk.

Maudcat

Well, that stinks!
I would have recommended that you keep your decision to yourself for a while. Honestly, people don't care as much as you may think they do.
And some people have decidedly strange attitudes about drinking.
I didn't want my decision to become sober become the thing by which some people defined me. I am so much more than that.
Peace.

Wholesome

I should have not been such a coward and gone. I wanted him to lie for me and he didn't. Oh well, it's done now.

August252015

That sucks. And how you deal with him and all that is a separate topic- what I want to contribute here is that it is and unfortunate reality that we simply cannot control when, if, how etc those in our lives tell others about our alcoholism. For me, this means letting go of resentment at my mom for telling people; not her place, and she knows how I feel about it, but I have had to (repeatedly) reconcile my own lane and let hers go, so to speak. I try to remember what I know is true- she is so happy and proud (I suffered long and so did my family and many others) and others knew how sick I was, that she can't help herself.

Letting go of what I cannot control- and working not to be resentful about it- is important (critical even) for me. AA helps me do this and it's why I read certain BB pages every day, on acceptance and taking MY OWN inventory, and the like.

You deserve a good, happy sober life. Making the right choices to support that can be hard - you did a good job in this case, despite this one part of the outcome- and I have found I continue to make better and better decisions (even if they aren't explicable to others when I make them, or others do things with them I don't like) as I grow in spiritual condition and my "reflexes" are increasingly in line with myprogram.

Keep going.

2ndhandrose

I'm sorry it played out this way, zen.

For what it's worth, I don't think you were acting cowardly by not going. We don't want to slip so we stay off the ice.

You still don't need to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Anyone who would think less of you for taking care of yourself is

Hold your head high, you are worth this.

Wholesome

I'm having a hard time not feeling resentful towards him. He sat down and announced it to the whole table and then they all discussed me and other people they know who have drinking problems. His mother, our friends, his extended family who I barely know, I might meet them at x-mas. I know that I can't control what others say about me but I expected more from him. He's the closest to me and who I've been confiding in about all this, I tell him everything and I trusted him. I don't give a **** if he thinks people understand. It wasn't his place to tell my secrets and he knows better. What's so hard about just saying I wasn't feeling well? He was mad so he talked smack about me to make himself feel better and humiliate me. Well he didn't have to go home and live with those people, he had to come home to me and there is no harmony here for him today. No birthday lovin from me. No brunch either. Nothing but my back. I can hardly stand to look at him. All I want to do it get away from him today. ****. What a lame thing to do. I don't know what would possess him. He's not normally a mean person. He's one of the kindest men I've met which is why I fell in love with him, it makes my feeling of betrayal even deeper precisely because it goes against his nature. He hates gossip, he thinks it's for stupid people who have nothing intelligent to talk about. But then he goes and gossips about me, his lover and best friend about my most personal business that he knows I want to keep private. I don't get it.

Fitcher

Sorry to hear that Zen. You were wronged in the most major-league kind of way. For you to even let him come home afterward is testament to your power to forgive and forget. Mine is not so great. I would have told my SO to take a permanent hike had I experienced the same.

Stay strong.

2ndhandrose

(((zen)))

It was a crap thing for him to do.

readerbaby71

Sorry to hear that he told everyone. Do you really know that he "talked smack" though? He was out of line but maybe his intentions weren't nefarious. Maybe he thought it would be easier for you next time if he told them. I can understand being angry--I would be too, but it's never a good idea to make assumptions about others' motivations.

P.S. You are NOT a coward for bowing out. You're taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. Maybe your BF needs to get used to that.

HUGS.