Wholesome

I have kept my decision to quit drinking for good very private so far, only telling a handful of people in my life, just those closest to me. I am starting to get out and about again after hiding away while I waited for things to normalize for me. I am wondering whether I should tell other people about my decision..... people like my in-laws, my own family members, friends who aren't the closest to me. I am not embarrassed or anything, quite the opposite, I'm thrilled to be free and I feel fantastic on so many levels. What is concerning me is that I don't want people to treat me different or be uncomfortable around me because of cultural stigmas. I don't want people to do silly things like hiding that they are drinking from me or treat me like I need to be sheltered from it. I don't want people to be weird with me. The few times I've been out and turned drinks down I've gotten these puzzled looks from people because they've always known me to be gung-ho for a drink or 6. On one side I want to be known as a non-drinker but on the other, I'm weary of the blowback. I have a dinner and drink thing this weekend for my boyfriends birthday with his family and a bunch of friends and I'm totally fine going and comfortable knowing that I will stay for dinner and leave when the drinks really start flowing..... I'm feeling like I may need to start offering an explanation for why I'm not partaking like I used to though. How did you folks handle letting people know you'd quit drinking? I'm not sure if I should say something or if I should just keep doing what I'm doing and let them wonder? It's not like I owe anyone an explanation but I don't feel like I have anything to hide either. It's a good thing that I quit, I should be proud and I am.

PhoenixJ

If you are comfortable- there is no need to explain/defend. If people persist- just say you decided that no more booze was good for your health.

Mattq2

Pj is right. What others think is not important in the grand scheme of "your" sobriety. I have kept my decision to not drink private. Now that I'm several months sober people don't ask anymore.

It's really about what will secure your sobriety. It's a personal choice that only you can make.

Your sobriety is what's most important.

BrendaChenowyth

I'm just not sure it matters to other people as much as it matters to us.. so I tend to never bring it up.

And I think it is common to phase out of drinking as you get older..

courage2

Are you maybe anticipating trouble where there isn't any? It doesn't sound like anyone has put you on the spot so far. Maybe you're not as comfortable going out -- at least on this occasion-- as you think?

It's good to extend yourself but you don't have to give information that doesn't feel natural. In my experience, very few other people really want to hear about my alcoholism LOL. A smile and "not tonight" says enough.

Wholesome

LOL yeah it's kind of a conversation killer! Awkward.....

MarkTwain

Zenchaser, seriously, I think you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overthinking this!

Trying to outguess everyone's reactions around you, figuring out what their next move will be, their opinion of you, etc etc etc.

Just be yourself and do and say what seems natural to you in the moment. Whom to tell? Just let your instincts in the situation tell you what to do...you might be surprised how little "normal" people care about your non-drinking.

Ken33xx

One of the smartest things I did when I joined aa and stopped drinking was to keep my mouth shut.

I didn't want the pressure of people asking me if I was still sober.

Add to that the fact I didn't trust myself. I'd made promises in the past to stop drinking but never kept them.

I very much like the one day at a time concept.

I'm not say what I'm going to do tomorrow I'm just not drinking today.

Outside of meetings I almost never discuss why I don't drink and truth to tell almost nobody cares anyway.

MarkTwain

No kidding. And I'll tell you this was shocking to me at first. I couldn't understand it, but it was a great relief. I really thought everyone was concentrated on my drinking!

Wholesome

Yeah no big announcements, it doesn't feel right. It's nobodies business and agreed that no one wants to hear about it. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and let my actions do the talking.

Dee74

H Zen

I've probably shared before that I told everyone...and while I never backed away from that I kind of regret that now in one sense because I worried a lot of people needlessly.

If your motive is because it will be good for them to know then that's fine...if it may not be good for them but benefits you, then of course you might want to think that through?

D

Wholesome

I've thought of that too Dee. That I don't want to worry people.

paulokes

The further away I get from my last drink the less I care what others think.

First I told just close family. Then work colleagues friends and others as it came up.

Personally I got sick and tired of hiding...I am now very very open but only if it comes up or is appropriate. I didn't get sober to hide under a rock.

The most annoying aspect of sobriety for me today is that the fact I don't drink sometimes makes others paranoid or feel the need to explain or justify their own drinking

Honestly I don't care what others think of me today...I made an honest decision to quit for myself so it matters much less what others think...makes no difference to my decision and any problem is their problem

P

Ken33xx

I prefer not to get into discussions about aa or 12step program in general.

And I've been sober long enough that outside of my family almost everyone knows me as a non drinker.

It's not an issue with coworkers or people in general.

I've been going to functions where drinking is going on for over 20 years and people really don't give a damn.

SteveAlex

My immediate family mostly knows. Thats more of accountability of my choice. Everyone else I really dont care either way. I know I cant drink anymore. Already been in jail, institution/hospitals. I know whats left..

Algorithm

Telling other people about your decision to quit drinking is similar to telling people that you are an alcoholic, especially if it is done for the purpose of 'accountability' as a non-drinker. This is not unusual in interpersonal dependency models of recovery, but your Beast will be well-poised to strike if you entertain that notion.

The best way to avoid blow-back and cultural stigmas is to allow things to happen naturally, and to keep your decision to quit drinking for good to yourself. It is for you to know, and for others to find out. Some ladies simply don't drink, zenchaser, and there is nothing wrong with that.

See "Personal Business" on pages 200-202 of your RR: TNC book.

KES06

I guess it's different for everybody, reading the replies. I told EVERYONE, including my "bar friends" on my last evening out before I quit. Announced it on FB. Lol. It felt a little bit like that dream where you're in a public place and suddenly find yourself naked. (is that TMI? maybe not everybody has had that dream). But I suddenly felt accountable. I think the respect I received far outweighed the puzzlement.
As long as you live your "truth", nobody else matters. Congrats on your decision to quit and your bravery to get back out there and socialize.

aasharon90

Addiction is out there affecting many
folks on a daily bases, taking them out
one by one, some for good and many
who have found recovery.

Many folks still today have no idea how
dangerous it is until someone close to
them has died or it has happened to them.

26 yrs ago, I had no idea how bad my
addiction to alcohol had become until
family stepped in getting me help I so
desperately needed at that time in my
life.

Once I entered recovery and began to
incorporate the knowledge of my addiction
and a program of recovery to my every
day life, then it became top priority, a strong
solid foundation to live my life upon for
many one days sober down the road.

From day one of my recovery it became
known in my family and friends circle,
because each one was affected or touched
in one way or another by my own actions
and behavior.

Yrs down the road as I continue with my
own on going recovery always remaining
teachable, willing to make healthy changes,
I have become more passionate about my
recovery, more understanding of the dangers
still lurking out there in the world with
drugs and alcohol and how it affects many.

I use to worry back in the day about many
things surrounding my addiction and recovery,
but over the yrs, I am not. It has become my
own responsibility to pass on the knowledge
and recovery of addiction that was taught to
me yrs ago to others struggling with addiction
still today.

I am just one of many voices who share this
important information, our own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes of what life was and is
like before, during and after alcohol or drugs
to those still suffering.

I began passing this info on right there in
my home beginning with my little ones yrs
ago, making them aware of the dangers
out there in the world surrounded by drugs
and alcohol.

They saw first hand what it did to me in
hopes that my own experience would be
a life long lesson to them when they began
their own lives down the road.

Thankfully those lessons stuck because
they grew up and became awesome, talented,
loving, caring little adults with their own
families, addiction free.

When I think about that, It makes me feel
blessed that I must have done something
right with help from Above.

What an AWESOME Gift..!!!

Wholesome

Hi Algorithm, part of my thinking is that people already know I used to party. I've never been a secret, closet drinker, hiding bottles so no one would know. I feel like people already have this image of me so now I owe them an explanation as to why I'm not that way anymore. People are going to wonder why I'm leaving early on my own boyfriends birthday party..... I also don't like that I'm going to be making up some lie, some story. I don't normally tell lies, I don't see the need. Actually that's not entirely accurate, I lied plenty of times if I was too hungover to attend some event so lying to get myself out of a drinking event is OK lol. It would worry his mom to tell her the truth and I don't want to do that, she's a real sweetheart. Over time people will figure it out for themselves that I've changed, that's the right way, to let it happen gradually and naturally.

Sharing my decision would most definitely not be for accountability. I am the only one with the power here and I neither expect nor want anyone else getting involved in trying to manage me.



Thanks for all the replies! It's good to have a place where others understand and have already navigated these waters.

Fitcher

My go-to answer has always been, "I am a better person when I don't drink". If someone scoffs at this reply, they're not the kind of person I keep in my life.