Looking for advice -- What made you want to get sober?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,657
Hi hopeful. Unfortunately you cannot 'make' him do anything he is not prepared to do. Addiction is a slippery slope. All I can suggest is you do not put your life on hold- supporting him to the expense of your own. Support is one thing- but not moving on- that can turn into years. Have you gone to al-anon? Logic did not cut it for me- I knew what booze was doing to me, but I drank anyway. I knew what it was doing to my family- both deep down.
I stopped in the end because I died.
My empathy and support to you. PJ
I stopped in the end because I died.
My empathy and support to you. PJ
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by TheHopeful 
Hi everyone,
I'm looking for advice and/or insights on what made you want to seek help and get sober.
My boyfriend has been an alcoholic for about two years, or possibly longer, and I'm at a loss at how I can help him make the change he so desperately needs.
We have been together for 7 years and if I'm honest we have both been heavy drinkers for as long as I can remember. A lot of our activities together centered on drinking, and we'd usually drink at least a few beers every night, and then a lot more on the weekends.
About two years ago he lost his business and sunk into a depression. His drinking gradually increased and I began finding bottles of vodka, brandy, etc hidden away in odd places like his sock drawer, suitcases we never use, etc.
At first I didn't worry about it too much as his behavior hadn't changed and there weren't any noticeably bad effects.
However, gradually that all changed and he has since had so many bad experiences due to his drinking, from accidents and fights to trouble with the law.
I have stopped drinking completely in the hopes that it would help him stop too, but so far it has just annoyed him that we can't go out drinking together. Our relationship has deteriorated so much and part of me wants to leave but another part is scared that he will end up killing himself if I do.
Anyway, sorry this has gotten so long, my question is simply what made you want to stop? Was there a specific event or was it a gradual thing? Was there something you friends or family did that helped you finally get help?
I have tried talking to him about so many times it but he is very resistant to it and it usually just causes a fight. The only times we have been able to discuss it openly have been the "morning after" a bad situation has happened due to his drinking and he is feeling remorse. When this happens he always promises he will stop, but can't go more than a day or two without drinking again.
Everyone tells me I have to wait for him to reach bottom, but that is such a cliche, and I feel it can't continue this way for much longer before something truly terrible happens.
I'm looking for advice and/or insights on what made you want to seek help and get sober.
My boyfriend has been an alcoholic for about two years, or possibly longer, and I'm at a loss at how I can help him make the change he so desperately needs.
We have been together for 7 years and if I'm honest we have both been heavy drinkers for as long as I can remember. A lot of our activities together centered on drinking, and we'd usually drink at least a few beers every night, and then a lot more on the weekends.
About two years ago he lost his business and sunk into a depression. His drinking gradually increased and I began finding bottles of vodka, brandy, etc hidden away in odd places like his sock drawer, suitcases we never use, etc.
At first I didn't worry about it too much as his behavior hadn't changed and there weren't any noticeably bad effects.
However, gradually that all changed and he has since had so many bad experiences due to his drinking, from accidents and fights to trouble with the law.
I have stopped drinking completely in the hopes that it would help him stop too, but so far it has just annoyed him that we can't go out drinking together. Our relationship has deteriorated so much and part of me wants to leave but another part is scared that he will end up killing himself if I do.
Anyway, sorry this has gotten so long, my question is simply what made you want to stop? Was there a specific event or was it a gradual thing? Was there something you friends or family did that helped you finally get help?
I have tried talking to him about so many times it but he is very resistant to it and it usually just causes a fight. The only times we have been able to discuss it openly have been the "morning after" a bad situation has happened due to his drinking and he is feeling remorse. When this happens he always promises he will stop, but can't go more than a day or two without drinking again.
Everyone tells me I have to wait for him to reach bottom, but that is such a cliche, and I feel it can't continue this way for much longer before something truly terrible happens.
It might be uncomfortable to think about but you may want to consider moving on without him.
I've know people in Al-Anon who have spent years in an unhealthy relationship waiting for the other person to "get better."
Life is too short for all that.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Someone once said in a meeting "my life was a dumpster fire when I got here" and I laughed because I could relate.
I wanted to die. I had no reason to go on living. I was in so much emotional pain. I just couldn't drink anymore.
I wanted to die. I had no reason to go on living. I was in so much emotional pain. I just couldn't drink anymore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
Seeing the damage (emotional) that I was doing to those around me. At the point I was at my health wasn't my concern. I could feel better with a couple shots of bourbon.
Then my DW whose opinion I treasure said to me "When you used to walk into a room people got exited like , HEY LOOK ALAN'S HERE. Now they are like OH GREAT ALAN"S HERE as they look for the exit" That was a nail in the coffin to see that my drinking was impacting others. Also quite a blow to my over-inflated ego. What it was, was a reality check. And I needed it..
Then my DW whose opinion I treasure said to me "When you used to walk into a room people got exited like , HEY LOOK ALAN'S HERE. Now they are like OH GREAT ALAN"S HERE as they look for the exit" That was a nail in the coffin to see that my drinking was impacting others. Also quite a blow to my over-inflated ego. What it was, was a reality check. And I needed it..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
It's becoming more and more clear to me from reading through this forum that it might be time to walk away. It's so hard to walk away from 7 years of our life, and it feels so pointless. Like losing my best friend. We used to be so close and do everything together, now it's just one fight after another and the good days are few and far between.
Another problem and a big reason I haven't left him yet is that since he lost his business he hasn't been able to hold down a steady job, probably largely due to his unstable state of mind due to the drinking.
This means that I currently pay most if not all the bills, so if I leave at this point I don't even know how he will manage. Classic enabling? Probably.
Anyway, it's nice to be able to talk about this somewhere...most of my friends and family don't know how bad it's gotten and I don't know how to bring it up with them.
Another problem and a big reason I haven't left him yet is that since he lost his business he hasn't been able to hold down a steady job, probably largely due to his unstable state of mind due to the drinking.
This means that I currently pay most if not all the bills, so if I leave at this point I don't even know how he will manage. Classic enabling? Probably.
Anyway, it's nice to be able to talk about this somewhere...most of my friends and family don't know how bad it's gotten and I don't know how to bring it up with them.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad you are here and sharing Hopeful. There's really nothing positive about the situations that active/drinking alcoholics put themselves in - not to mention others around them.
And there is definitely a gray/fuzzy line between helping/supporting and enabling. If you are paying all his bills and he's still drinking despite your repeated attempts to help then it probably is enabling to be quite frank.
Right now I would suggest you try and focus on helping yourself - if you are keeping this all inside it's potentially a form of co-dependence. I would personally suggest letting someone in your family know who you can trust...you needn't go through this alone. And as far as how you bring it up, just be honest - my boyfriend is an alcoholic and he won't stop drinking. There is no shame it telling the truth.
And there is definitely a gray/fuzzy line between helping/supporting and enabling. If you are paying all his bills and he's still drinking despite your repeated attempts to help then it probably is enabling to be quite frank.
Right now I would suggest you try and focus on helping yourself - if you are keeping this all inside it's potentially a form of co-dependence. I would personally suggest letting someone in your family know who you can trust...you needn't go through this alone. And as far as how you bring it up, just be honest - my boyfriend is an alcoholic and he won't stop drinking. There is no shame it telling the truth.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by TheHopeful
It's becoming more and more clear to me from reading through this forum that it might be time to walk away. It's so hard to walk away from 7 years of our life, and it feels so pointless. Like losing my best friend. We used to be so close and do everything together, now it's just one fight after another and the good days are few and far between.
Another problem and a big reason I haven't left him yet is that since he lost his business he hasn't been able to hold down a steady job, probably largely due to his unstable state of mind due to the drinking.
This means that I currently pay most if not all the bills, so if I leave at this point I don't even know how he will manage. Classic enabling? Probably.
Anyway, it's nice to be able to talk about this somewhere...most of my friends and family don't know how bad it's gotten and I don't know how to bring it up with them.
Another problem and a big reason I haven't left him yet is that since he lost his business he hasn't been able to hold down a steady job, probably largely due to his unstable state of mind due to the drinking.
This means that I currently pay most if not all the bills, so if I leave at this point I don't even know how he will manage. Classic enabling? Probably.
Anyway, it's nice to be able to talk about this somewhere...most of my friends and family don't know how bad it's gotten and I don't know how to bring it up with them.
didn't know the codie part till a wee bit after I got sober.
it isn't easy admitting or accepting the best decision is to walk away. but the alternative is more chaos,drama, and depressing crap.
classic enabling? I wouldn't call it probably.
carrying a grown person and doing everything for them that they can do for themselves- that they SHOULD be doing forthemselves is definatly enabling.
maybe ya don't have to bring up anything with family and friends at this time . personally I think ya have bigger fish to fry without adding more fish to the fryer by letting others know everything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
This was part of an email with a friend that I served with whose been sober a while. Here is what he said to me that was part of my rationalizing sobriety:
"If you're not ready to quit, f*** it don't quit. I personally won't think more of you or less of you either way. However you know first hand that continuing to drink comes with a price. Physically, mentally, financially, legally, and in your interpersonal relationships. How much are you willing to pay?"
Perhaps that can be rephrased in some way to help.
"If you're not ready to quit, f*** it don't quit. I personally won't think more of you or less of you either way. However you know first hand that continuing to drink comes with a price. Physically, mentally, financially, legally, and in your interpersonal relationships. How much are you willing to pay?"
Perhaps that can be rephrased in some way to help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
I don't think there is anything anyone could have done to make me to quit. Maybe my wife leaving with the kids, but that wouldn't have made me quit long term. It wasn't until I had had enough where I quit for good.
I would talk to him and explain why you are concerned. Not sure if an ultimatum is a good idea, but I would stress that this isn't something you will live with. The thing with that is you would have to follow through if he doesn't quit.
Imo, you need to decide what is best for you. You can't control him or his actions. You can't make him quit or love him enough that he'll quit.
I would talk to him and explain why you are concerned. Not sure if an ultimatum is a good idea, but I would stress that this isn't something you will live with. The thing with that is you would have to follow through if he doesn't quit.
Imo, you need to decide what is best for you. You can't control him or his actions. You can't make him quit or love him enough that he'll quit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I am really sorry you are going through this- I really can't add anything that hasn't already been said, there are great responses albeit hard messages to hear. Bottom line is, you have to take care of yourself first. You keep your affairs in order and part of that is keeping yourself healthy and whole, mentally, emotionally, physically. He is a toxic disease for you, his sickness makes you sick. You can't cure him, so give yourself a chance to heal yourself. You didn't cause it, so don't use guilt as a reason to stay stuck. You know you can't control it because he can't control himself, so let go. Whether that means some super strong boundaries or walking away, is up to you. You can't make his choice for him.
You deserve much better than you are allowing yourself. I hope you choose to walk towards the peace and happiness you so deserve. First you gotta deal with the tough stuff. But you will never go through this alone if you stick around SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Thanks for the all thoughtful responses, I really do appreciate it.
We had another major fallout last night, and this morning he agreed for the first time to see a doctor to discuss possible detox options.
I felt relieved at first, but now I just feel sick to my stomach wondering whether he is going to be drunk again when I get home. I guess we'll see what happens.
We had another major fallout last night, and this morning he agreed for the first time to see a doctor to discuss possible detox options.
I felt relieved at first, but now I just feel sick to my stomach wondering whether he is going to be drunk again when I get home. I guess we'll see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
I didnt think i had a problem for a very long time, even though i was a blackout drinker and drank a lot every night, would drink drive, pass out on streets and a whole load of horror stories.
It was my GP asking how much i drank, i even cut the amount down when i told him just a little white lie. He still sent me to a recovery service, and it was only when i heard experiences, drinking amounts, stories from other alcoholics i realised, **** i am exactly the same. It still took me about a year and a half to commit fully to the programme as i would get cocky after a month without drink then start drinking again. But i got there in the end
It was my GP asking how much i drank, i even cut the amount down when i told him just a little white lie. He still sent me to a recovery service, and it was only when i heard experiences, drinking amounts, stories from other alcoholics i realised, **** i am exactly the same. It still took me about a year and a half to commit fully to the programme as i would get cocky after a month without drink then start drinking again. But i got there in the end
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