The crazy-making behavior!
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The crazy-making behavior!
Let me preface this by saying: I know there's nothing to be done, I can't do anything about it. I recited the serenity prayer more last night than I have in the last 3 months.
A few of you know about the fact that I'm a home health aide, and that the lady I take care of has a nephew that lives across the street and comes to check in on her and that he is an alcoholic. And that for a long time I projected my issues with my own father on to him, although that mess is taken care of now. But I still work there.
Last night around 6:15, he stopped over to bring in her mail, say hello and change a light bulb in the kitchen before going back to have dinner at home.. He had to go in to the closet in the dining room for something and that is also where all the alcohol kept in the house is.. So he says to his aunt "I'm gonna take a bottle of vodka home with me, I have a sore throat." She said okay.
First, why not whiskey? Probably because those bottles were so low, he wanted a little more than that. Second, why not grab a glass in the kitchen and have your shot and put it back? Third, I know his voice and he didn't have a sore throat, not one to where he would need to anesthetise with alcohol in order to eat dinner.
Here's why this is crazy-making, and not because I feel responsible, having witnessed it, that I should intervene. I know his family knows what he's doing. The crazy-making part was that I was able to identify that behavior for what it was, and catch him in that lie, because I was just like him.
The crazy-making part was that I felt paranoid, like maybe I should cover my butt, in case someone asks where that bottle went, and he denies even knowing alcohol was in that closet, it could look like one of us caregivers had taken it.. His aunt has dementia, how accurate can anyone say her memory is.. know what I mean??? So instinctively I wanted to get ahead of it and tell someone that he'd been there and took the bottle, so it wouldn't come back on me.. then realized his cousins wouldn't care if I did decide to have myself some at the end of the day.. lol I wouldn't, that's wrong. But I don't want to say anything and get involved in family drama.
And yeah, I know.. I gotta get out of this, and I'm working on it. New job orientation is next week. I just resent the fact I couldn't sleep last night obsessing over him and his behavior and all of his behavior over the past year.. I'm far from feeling like he's going to affect me to drink, that is not even desirable to me at this point.. It's just like I said.. crazy-making.. because I read all kinds of **** in to his behavior, while maybe a normal person would just believe his sore throat story and think nothing of it. Am I crazy for letting this bug me so bad???
A few of you know about the fact that I'm a home health aide, and that the lady I take care of has a nephew that lives across the street and comes to check in on her and that he is an alcoholic. And that for a long time I projected my issues with my own father on to him, although that mess is taken care of now. But I still work there.
Last night around 6:15, he stopped over to bring in her mail, say hello and change a light bulb in the kitchen before going back to have dinner at home.. He had to go in to the closet in the dining room for something and that is also where all the alcohol kept in the house is.. So he says to his aunt "I'm gonna take a bottle of vodka home with me, I have a sore throat." She said okay.
First, why not whiskey? Probably because those bottles were so low, he wanted a little more than that. Second, why not grab a glass in the kitchen and have your shot and put it back? Third, I know his voice and he didn't have a sore throat, not one to where he would need to anesthetise with alcohol in order to eat dinner.
Here's why this is crazy-making, and not because I feel responsible, having witnessed it, that I should intervene. I know his family knows what he's doing. The crazy-making part was that I was able to identify that behavior for what it was, and catch him in that lie, because I was just like him.
The crazy-making part was that I felt paranoid, like maybe I should cover my butt, in case someone asks where that bottle went, and he denies even knowing alcohol was in that closet, it could look like one of us caregivers had taken it.. His aunt has dementia, how accurate can anyone say her memory is.. know what I mean??? So instinctively I wanted to get ahead of it and tell someone that he'd been there and took the bottle, so it wouldn't come back on me.. then realized his cousins wouldn't care if I did decide to have myself some at the end of the day.. lol I wouldn't, that's wrong. But I don't want to say anything and get involved in family drama.
And yeah, I know.. I gotta get out of this, and I'm working on it. New job orientation is next week. I just resent the fact I couldn't sleep last night obsessing over him and his behavior and all of his behavior over the past year.. I'm far from feeling like he's going to affect me to drink, that is not even desirable to me at this point.. It's just like I said.. crazy-making.. because I read all kinds of **** in to his behavior, while maybe a normal person would just believe his sore throat story and think nothing of it. Am I crazy for letting this bug me so bad???
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I don't think you're crazy, but I hope you can let it go.
One of the things I've worked hard on in my sober time is minding my own business. I'm a work in progress. It's something I pray about at my door just before I leave in the morning. I have to ask myself (pretty often!) -
"Does it need to be said?"
"Does it need to be said right now?"
"Does it need to be said by me?"
I think most of us would have recognized that behavior - and I don't think it takes an alcoholic to do so.
I tend to want to save the world.
I read on another post yesterday,
"I don't need your help today.
~Love, God."
One of the things I've worked hard on in my sober time is minding my own business. I'm a work in progress. It's something I pray about at my door just before I leave in the morning. I have to ask myself (pretty often!) -
"Does it need to be said?"
"Does it need to be said right now?"
"Does it need to be said by me?"
I think most of us would have recognized that behavior - and I don't think it takes an alcoholic to do so.
I tend to want to save the world.
I read on another post yesterday,
"I don't need your help today.
~Love, God."
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Well, again, my prefacing statement.. This is the only place I've spoken of it, or will speak of it.. although my mind goes to scenarios where I might.. I know I won't.. And sometimes when I don't know what else to do with a thought, I dump it here...
I too have begun to practice the art of minding my own business, I'm still trying to finish Codependent No More and that's really helping.. I'm better at controlling actions and reactions, but I do have a tendency to mentally obsess.
I still just want to know if I'm the only one that could spot that lie.. vodka? sore throat? the whole bottle?
I too have begun to practice the art of minding my own business, I'm still trying to finish Codependent No More and that's really helping.. I'm better at controlling actions and reactions, but I do have a tendency to mentally obsess.
I still just want to know if I'm the only one that could spot that lie.. vodka? sore throat? the whole bottle?
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Anyone with an AV spots that lie...and in what world does pouring a caustic toxic substance on a sore throat constitute a therapy, anyway? It's pretty sad.
He's full of it and you don't like watching the nice lady you're working for be lied to. Understandable, but as you know, it's not your problem to fix.
When I'm grinding away on something like this, I try to tell myself I'm filing it under "things to think about in three days." Most times by then I've moved on and you will, too...
He's full of it and you don't like watching the nice lady you're working for be lied to. Understandable, but as you know, it's not your problem to fix.
When I'm grinding away on something like this, I try to tell myself I'm filing it under "things to think about in three days." Most times by then I've moved on and you will, too...
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Yeah. I think anybody could spot it. If he just needed a touch of the "medicinal scotch," he would had a shot or a hot toddy (vodka? 
)
But you were wise to just let it go. It probably wouldn't be noticed; if it was, it wouldn't have been a big deal; and besides, you're a short timer.
Bim, I really like those questions of yours!
)But you were wise to just let it go. It probably wouldn't be noticed; if it was, it wouldn't have been a big deal; and besides, you're a short timer.
Bim, I really like those questions of yours!
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I think I glossed over your post, bim, I was lost in my own head.. Really great insights there.
I like the idea of writing it down and saying "revisit this in 3 days if you must"
Something occurred to me in the shower just now (great thinking gets done there).. I used to call him a trigger.. then reframed it, that I would not allow something or someone to be a trigger for me.. Now I am realizing, it's not just anything that triggers me on a negative downward spiral, it's this. crazy. making. stuff.
I have been trying to practice the power of intention in my life, I really believe that your thoughts become your reality.. And up until yesterday evening, I felt confident and powerful and happy.. and then he came in.. I was friendly, he was nice.. then he said that statement.. and tick... tick... tick.... tick... my energy started falling, and falling, and falling..
And I allowed it to. I didn't do anything to stop it. And so I didn't sleep, I tossed and turned, my back was tense and drove me crazy, I had a headache, I woke up depressed enough to reschedule a meeting because I couldn't get out of bed...
Maybe next time I will go to the gym and come home and try to listen to a guided meditation or something while I go to sleep.. I didn't even try. But live and learn.
I like the idea of writing it down and saying "revisit this in 3 days if you must"
Something occurred to me in the shower just now (great thinking gets done there).. I used to call him a trigger.. then reframed it, that I would not allow something or someone to be a trigger for me.. Now I am realizing, it's not just anything that triggers me on a negative downward spiral, it's this. crazy. making. stuff.
I have been trying to practice the power of intention in my life, I really believe that your thoughts become your reality.. And up until yesterday evening, I felt confident and powerful and happy.. and then he came in.. I was friendly, he was nice.. then he said that statement.. and tick... tick... tick.... tick... my energy started falling, and falling, and falling..
And I allowed it to. I didn't do anything to stop it. And so I didn't sleep, I tossed and turned, my back was tense and drove me crazy, I had a headache, I woke up depressed enough to reschedule a meeting because I couldn't get out of bed...
Maybe next time I will go to the gym and come home and try to listen to a guided meditation or something while I go to sleep.. I didn't even try. But live and learn.
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BC, that's a huge distinction.
Thoughts get "triggered." In early sobriety I sometimes spent three days being upset and spinning about something. In my case I believe I had done enough damage to my central nervous system that I really obsessed over stuff w a a a a y longer than a normal brain does. That kind of situation now doesn't hold power over me - but I was exactly like you described in early days of my own sobriety.
I know that my intentions/motivations are good. I know that when someone else is triggered it's their stuff. I am now able to tell the difference, and I don't worry about other peoples' reactions to stuff.
You're doing great. You know and see that something isn't quite right yet. You dissect it, and you're getting good feedback from your inner voice.
Thoughts get "triggered." In early sobriety I sometimes spent three days being upset and spinning about something. In my case I believe I had done enough damage to my central nervous system that I really obsessed over stuff w a a a a y longer than a normal brain does. That kind of situation now doesn't hold power over me - but I was exactly like you described in early days of my own sobriety.
I know that my intentions/motivations are good. I know that when someone else is triggered it's their stuff. I am now able to tell the difference, and I don't worry about other peoples' reactions to stuff.
You're doing great. You know and see that something isn't quite right yet. You dissect it, and you're getting good feedback from your inner voice.
I could see peace instead of this
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I don't know about you, but with me it wasn't even so much about certain situations. It was more that my mind just needed to have something, anything to obsess about. I had many sleepless nights over things that, looking back on them now, weren't really all that big a deal.
If it wasn't one thing, then my mind would latch onto something else. With me it was mostly work or partner issues, but if nothing was going on there, then I'd find something else, like my health or my in-laws or the neighbours. I seem to have come out of that, but now when I remember being that way, it was like I was living in a certain type of hell.
For me it wouldn't even be so much what a person is even doing, but simply more of a need for my mind to obsess and that itself is what needed to be addressed. It sure wasn't easy to get out of that in my case and took a long time; I did a lot of reading and searching for answers and practicing the art of acceptance and letting go. But what an incredible relief it is to have managed to escape that crazy-making prison that was my own mind.
If it wasn't one thing, then my mind would latch onto something else. With me it was mostly work or partner issues, but if nothing was going on there, then I'd find something else, like my health or my in-laws or the neighbours. I seem to have come out of that, but now when I remember being that way, it was like I was living in a certain type of hell.
For me it wouldn't even be so much what a person is even doing, but simply more of a need for my mind to obsess and that itself is what needed to be addressed. It sure wasn't easy to get out of that in my case and took a long time; I did a lot of reading and searching for answers and practicing the art of acceptance and letting go. But what an incredible relief it is to have managed to escape that crazy-making prison that was my own mind.
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It took me over 70 days to realize I had quit drinking but I hadn't quit being an addict... He's my last sort of connection to the pain I once carried around? It had been the essence of my identity for so long.. my entire life. I have worked out all the stuff with my father, forgiven him, forgiven others who have hurt me, forgiven myself for hurting me.. Over the past year, I've projected so much on to this man that when I see him, I see a reflection of the pain I want to be away from.
And I have to try and bear in mind, he's just a person, an imperfect person, just like me and everyone else, and I've made him what he is to me, I alone created that, and I can dismantle it.. or I can just walk away from it. But I do think I will want to work it through, because we don't live far apart, and I would like to visit his aunt in the future, I could still see him, and it could all come back. It really doesn't have to!
And I have to try and bear in mind, he's just a person, an imperfect person, just like me and everyone else, and I've made him what he is to me, I alone created that, and I can dismantle it.. or I can just walk away from it. But I do think I will want to work it through, because we don't live far apart, and I would like to visit his aunt in the future, I could still see him, and it could all come back. It really doesn't have to!
I could see peace instead of this
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Brenda, it seems to me you are on the right track and have come a long way in so short a time. I see a lot of insight in you that takes some people years and years and sometimes they never see those things.
I think if you continue on your path, you will keep finding your way and you will be fine.
I think if you continue on your path, you will keep finding your way and you will be fine.
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haha. Well as an ex-drunk myself - any port in a storm.
Also, I used to say, "No self-respecting germ would live in this body."
Any alcohol is better than none in his mind. You don't really think whiskey is good for a cold, do you? Are you triggered on the perceived lie?
Also, I used to say, "No self-respecting germ would live in this body."
Any alcohol is better than none in his mind. You don't really think whiskey is good for a cold, do you? Are you triggered on the perceived lie?
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something I can(still) have to recite until it gets from my head to my heart:
not my circus
not my monkey
you've been having a lot of insights,seeing a lot, and learning a great deal. good on ya for seeing this stuff for what it is!!
could very well be your HP at work- helping you learn about yourself by seeing the behaviors in others.
not my circus
not my monkey
you've been having a lot of insights,seeing a lot, and learning a great deal. good on ya for seeing this stuff for what it is!!
could very well be your HP at work- helping you learn about yourself by seeing the behaviors in others.
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I was really really good with the lies of omission. I took pride in the fact that I never lied to my mom, I just hid. Lied to the cops to get out of DUI, oh but I HAD to get out of that.. I could dance my way out of anything.. If no one asked me the obvious, I never had to own up..
When he said it, his voice sounded so calm, so relaxed doing it, and that was why I second guessed myself.. but we know we had that ability, too. We could sweet talk anyone.. Smh..
When he said it, his voice sounded so calm, so relaxed doing it, and that was why I second guessed myself.. but we know we had that ability, too. We could sweet talk anyone.. Smh..
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
something I can(still) have to recite until it gets from my head to my heart:
not my circus
not my monkey
you've been having a lot of insights,seeing a lot, and learning a great deal. good on ya for seeing this stuff for what it is!!
could very well be your HP at work- helping you learn about yourself by seeing the behaviors in others.
not my circus
not my monkey
you've been having a lot of insights,seeing a lot, and learning a great deal. good on ya for seeing this stuff for what it is!!
could very well be your HP at work- helping you learn about yourself by seeing the behaviors in others.
The lady I take care of is my only monkey. He is not my monkey. Wish he'd quit rattling my cage.
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
Wish he'd quit rattling my cage.
"who's allowing her to live there,tom? who's allowing her to bother you?"
at first I was quite defensive but then realized,"that jerks right!"
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I can be an obsessive thinker too Brenda. It serves no purpose....well maybe it serves the purpose of giving me something to obsessively think about. I drove myself crazy.
I start each day telling myself to release all behaviors and thinking that do not serve the purpose of staying sober and simply being happy. If I can achieve those 2 things most everything else falls into place. I try to look at challenges rationally, ask myself what I can do to improve the situation, do it, then let the rest go. If I can't let it go I try to give it to a power greater than I. That's new for me but it does help. I don't have to understand the process, just practice it.
As an addict I don't have the luxury of unhealthy thinking. Some of my negative behaviors served a purpose when I was growing up. But through my addiction most have morphed into thinking that only increases my chances of picking up a drink. I know for me that obsessively contemplating my navel drives me farther and farther away from acceptance that I cannot control anyone or anything other than myself.
I start each day telling myself to release all behaviors and thinking that do not serve the purpose of staying sober and simply being happy. If I can achieve those 2 things most everything else falls into place. I try to look at challenges rationally, ask myself what I can do to improve the situation, do it, then let the rest go. If I can't let it go I try to give it to a power greater than I. That's new for me but it does help. I don't have to understand the process, just practice it.
As an addict I don't have the luxury of unhealthy thinking. Some of my negative behaviors served a purpose when I was growing up. But through my addiction most have morphed into thinking that only increases my chances of picking up a drink. I know for me that obsessively contemplating my navel drives me farther and farther away from acceptance that I cannot control anyone or anything other than myself.
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