Can an alcoholic live with a normal drinker?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
I have come to the conclusion that i can do this. He drinks rarely and i think i just got a bit jealous. We have beer and liquor in our home and that doesn't bother me. I am coming to accept that everyone didnt quit drinking... just me.
For the most part he is sober 98% of the time so if he can drink normally then he can. I know i cannot. Acceptance.
Thank you for the relies...
Jess
For the most part he is sober 98% of the time so if he can drink normally then he can. I know i cannot. Acceptance.
Thank you for the relies...
Jess
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by JustFine
For the most part he is sober 98% of the time so if he can drink normally then he can.
I don't like being around super drunk people and definitely wouldn't want a relationship with a heavy drinker though. Not because it would make me want to drink (it wouldn't), but more because it just grosses me out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135
I could live with that too. (I sort of do)
My GF has about 1 beer per week. Doesn't bug me at all.
If/when we live together, I may allow her to have alcohol in the house, as long as we can have a rule that I get to dump it if it "calls" to me.
Other people can drink, I can't. It makes me "sick." I have an "alergy." I accept it as a fact of life.
I didn't give anything up, though, I choose not to drink. (Alergy) That mindset helps me.
After some time, when you hang with some annoying drunks and see all the drama and crap they put themselves through, that evening and possibly the following day, I predict your "jealousy" will go far away and you'll have JOMO. (Joy of Missing Out)
All the best,
CJ.
My GF has about 1 beer per week. Doesn't bug me at all.
If/when we live together, I may allow her to have alcohol in the house, as long as we can have a rule that I get to dump it if it "calls" to me.
Other people can drink, I can't. It makes me "sick." I have an "alergy." I accept it as a fact of life.
I didn't give anything up, though, I choose not to drink. (Alergy) That mindset helps me.
After some time, when you hang with some annoying drunks and see all the drama and crap they put themselves through, that evening and possibly the following day, I predict your "jealousy" will go far away and you'll have JOMO. (Joy of Missing Out)
All the best,
CJ.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Santa Barbara, SoCal
Posts: 561
My bf is a normal drinker. He truly is normal because he can have one beer and then not drink for weeks.
My parents are "normal drinkers" who drink vodka every night after 8pm but hardly ever act drunk and always stay well organized in every aspect of their life.
My bf doesn't bother me. I never drank beer and so I don't get jealous. I do get jealous if he orders a martini and he gets that, therefore he doesn't do it.
My family does bother me. Because I love vodka and because I wish I could drink vodka every night and function normally. They drink in front of me because they say I need to learn how to navigate the real world where everyone drinks. I just need to learn to say no.
I think it's possible to be with a normal drinker as long as the love and support is strong. My bf has seen me at my worst stages of alcoholism and understands how imperative it is for me to not drink.
My parents are "normal drinkers" who drink vodka every night after 8pm but hardly ever act drunk and always stay well organized in every aspect of their life.
My bf doesn't bother me. I never drank beer and so I don't get jealous. I do get jealous if he orders a martini and he gets that, therefore he doesn't do it.
My family does bother me. Because I love vodka and because I wish I could drink vodka every night and function normally. They drink in front of me because they say I need to learn how to navigate the real world where everyone drinks. I just need to learn to say no.
I think it's possible to be with a normal drinker as long as the love and support is strong. My bf has seen me at my worst stages of alcoholism and understands how imperative it is for me to not drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I do. His normal drinking has zer impact on my sobriety. There is a liquor store that's about 300 feet from my house. Tgat doesn't bother me either. When I made the decision to stop drinking and I was actually OK with that then nothing can get in my way
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by Jade1224 
My parents are "normal drinkers" who drink vodka every night after 8pm but hardly ever act drunk and always stay well organized in every aspect of their life.
My family does bother me. Because I love vodka and because I wish I could drink vodka every night and function normally. They drink in front of me because they say I need to learn how to navigate the real world where everyone drinks..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,474
.
Eventually, one can get to a 'Force Field Of Disinterest' re: Drinking. I'm there. My Wife of 39 Years kept Drinking fairly hard early on in my Sobriety. PITA. Not because I wanted to drink again, but because putting up with her behavior was wasted energy I had to expend. Life's too short...
She's cut WAY back, and doesn't drink around me. She asked me to go with her back to Boulder CO for an Annual Party this Weekend where there's plenty of Drinking. I knew she didn't want to go alone, so I told her I'd go if she didn't drink [which she's been doing more of voluntarily]. She instantly shot back that she would not drink. So, long Weekend on. Easy peasy, actually. I refuse to be the only one not Drinking at a small Dinner Party here, or at Parties like the one on tap this Weekend. I owe that to no one. Period. You don't get what you don't demand.
This sort of agreement is our New Normal. I don't plan to deviate from this arrangement - achieved with some difficult moments - and that simply will not happen.
I'm very comfortable with my Sober Self. Any Drinking urges are long gone. It'll likely become a huge non-event in your Life as time goes on. We do a lot of separate 'stuff', and I would do more of that if she got militant, and had to drink around me again. People vote with their Feet.
She smokes 'uppy' Sativa Pot daily, and I could not care less. Some of that is for genuine Pain Management. This is our kinda compromise; easily done here in Pot-legal Colorado.
.
Eventually, one can get to a 'Force Field Of Disinterest' re: Drinking. I'm there. My Wife of 39 Years kept Drinking fairly hard early on in my Sobriety. PITA. Not because I wanted to drink again, but because putting up with her behavior was wasted energy I had to expend. Life's too short...
She's cut WAY back, and doesn't drink around me. She asked me to go with her back to Boulder CO for an Annual Party this Weekend where there's plenty of Drinking. I knew she didn't want to go alone, so I told her I'd go if she didn't drink [which she's been doing more of voluntarily]. She instantly shot back that she would not drink. So, long Weekend on. Easy peasy, actually. I refuse to be the only one not Drinking at a small Dinner Party here, or at Parties like the one on tap this Weekend. I owe that to no one. Period. You don't get what you don't demand.
This sort of agreement is our New Normal. I don't plan to deviate from this arrangement - achieved with some difficult moments - and that simply will not happen.
I'm very comfortable with my Sober Self. Any Drinking urges are long gone. It'll likely become a huge non-event in your Life as time goes on. We do a lot of separate 'stuff', and I would do more of that if she got militant, and had to drink around me again. People vote with their Feet.
She smokes 'uppy' Sativa Pot daily, and I could not care less. Some of that is for genuine Pain Management. This is our kinda compromise; easily done here in Pot-legal Colorado.
.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
My wife and I used to get into these terrible fights when we were both drinking. Now, when she is six sheets to the wind and she gets in a fighting mood, it's just funny to me. I can so easily parry her every thrust. It's like arguing with a mental midget. I'd rather she not drink but when she's does, it can be funny. In a sadistic sort of way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: East
Posts: 165
My wife is a very light drinker. I've seen her more than tipsy maybe 5 times in 16 years. She has a glass or two of wine a month. She actually claims it enhances the taste of her food! Wow, that so wasn't me!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
I think it is possible, as long as the other person is a fairly moderate drinker. I wouldn't/couldn't get into a relationship now with someone that is getting plastered every night (I don't know how my husband put up with me for so long!) Fortunately, my husband has quit drinking to support me. He just has the 0% beers. I don't mind if he drinks again, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. He can take it or leave it.
My dad (also an alcoholic) has wine and stuff in the house for dinner parties, and for when people come over. But, it's not something he could handle in the early days.....I think time helps a lot. Well - there's also the fact that he is now allergic to alcohol! Has anyone else had that? If he orders mussels, for example, and the wine in the sauce hasn't cooked out, he comes out in hives and stuff! He literally can't drink, even if he wanted to. Sorry - slightly OT!
My dad (also an alcoholic) has wine and stuff in the house for dinner parties, and for when people come over. But, it's not something he could handle in the early days.....I think time helps a lot. Well - there's also the fact that he is now allergic to alcohol! Has anyone else had that? If he orders mussels, for example, and the wine in the sauce hasn't cooked out, he comes out in hives and stuff! He literally can't drink, even if he wanted to. Sorry - slightly OT!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Auckland
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Jade1224
My bf doesn't bother me. I never drank beer and so I don't get jealous. I do get jealous if he orders a martini and he gets that, therefore he doesn't do it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
My wife drinks very very little if at all. I can't actually remember the last time she had a drink. If she did drink, I wouldn't mind anyway. It actually causes me concern if I meet someone somewhere and they opt out of having a drink out of deference to me. I would actually prefer they don't modify their choices just to please me, if anything I would be pleased if they did drink while I have my coffee! I'm whole enough in my sobriety that I can see that while I can never drink again I don't have the right to prevent anyone from enjoying a drink.
Having said that, I avoid messy drunk people as they remind me of how I was.
Having said that, I avoid messy drunk people as they remind me of how I was.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by JustFine
I have a little over 100 days sober. I met my boyfriend a year ago while on a relapse after 2 years sobriety. The first few months of our relationship i was still controlling my drinking pretty well but by 6 months in i had to quit AGAIN. It took me a few months and he was supportive through it all. In fact he hasn't had a drink around me since i quit almost 4 months ago.
However every year.... once a year he and his dad go to this Pints for Paws event which last year at this time was our first date. Of-course this year i didn't go and he did. We moved in together 3 months ago and tonight when he came home he was pretty well lit.
It really bothered me. I havent been in the best place in my own sobriety the last month or so and have been fighting my beast weekly.... especially on weekends.
When he got home he just said he had fun and went to bed. He may not drink again for another month and just have a beer then. However, is this going to work.... does this ever work?
Hes a great boyfriend he just isnt alcoholic. Will I just feel resentment toward him everytime he has a beer? We are talking marriage and i just need opinion.... i know the first year is hell but, should i dump the most sensitive amazing guy i have ever met and look for a fellow alcoholic?
Thanks in advance for the responses....
Jess
However every year.... once a year he and his dad go to this Pints for Paws event which last year at this time was our first date. Of-course this year i didn't go and he did. We moved in together 3 months ago and tonight when he came home he was pretty well lit.
It really bothered me. I havent been in the best place in my own sobriety the last month or so and have been fighting my beast weekly.... especially on weekends.
When he got home he just said he had fun and went to bed. He may not drink again for another month and just have a beer then. However, is this going to work.... does this ever work?
Hes a great boyfriend he just isnt alcoholic. Will I just feel resentment toward him everytime he has a beer? We are talking marriage and i just need opinion.... i know the first year is hell but, should i dump the most sensitive amazing guy i have ever met and look for a fellow alcoholic?
Thanks in advance for the responses....
Jess
My wife can drink normally. One maybe two drinks and she is good for the night when we go out.
Personally, I wouldn't want to live with a person who liked to drink regularly even if they didn't drink alcoholically. I prefer conversations and/or dealing with people when they aren't slightly buzzed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
When I first sobered up my normal drinker wife removed all of her wine from our house. After seeing me in blackout action she thought that to be best. I had been burned too many times by booze and assured her I was done and that I would not be tempted by her wine. After I was sober for a few months she once again started to drink her one glass of wine per night.
It's never been a problem for me.
But, I had made a firm decision to never drink again.
Now each morning when I do the dishes I usually pour down the drain
1/3 a glass of her wine that she didn't finish.
How many of us drunks ever poured a glass of wine and didn't finish it?
M-Bob
It's never been a problem for me.
But, I had made a firm decision to never drink again.
Now each morning when I do the dishes I usually pour down the drain
1/3 a glass of her wine that she didn't finish.
How many of us drunks ever poured a glass of wine and didn't finish it?
M-Bob
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: West Coast
Posts: 8
I honestly think it's possible (as some of the others here have shown), but it's difficult.
I'm and the same days sober as you (I think I'm at 117 days, will be four months next week). My fiance doesn't drink but my roommates do.
It has always been difficult for me. I've many times relapsed and dipped into my roommate's alcohol stash. Over the years I have no idea how many times I have asked them to keep their alcohol in their room or locked up and they never have. I've found myself many times drunk and ending the night with their alcohol in my hands. I've explained to them that I have a problem and that I steal their alcohol when I'm already drunk and I just can't stop... Sometimes it feels to me that they don't give a damn and would rather be angry at me for drinking than do anything to protect their "stash".
Their drinking is still a major trigger for me.
I realize it's not their job to protect my sobriety. I don't expect them to quit drinking because of me nor to not keep alcohol in the house... I just wish they would not leave it out when they're not using it, I wish they would make it inaccessible to me, I wish they wouldn't offer me to try a sip, I wish they wouldn't ALL stand around me and discuss booze while drinking.
They know I'm an alcoholic. They know I've been in recovery and relapsed many times.
They just don't understand... AT ALL. They have absolutely no understanding of how difficult it is to stay sober, even without then triggering me.
I've thought about moving out several times.
My fiance owns the house we live in (but we are leasing the property). For probably 5-7 years they've talked about moving out but never have... And as I've tried to get sober I've considered that I may have to move out to maintain sobriety. I've quite literally ached for a sober space, feeling that I can't live constantly surrounded by drinkers and alcohol.
I'm still considering it. With a baby on the way and my sobriety still hanging in the balance it feels even more like something I may have to do.
I feel trapped right now and that does nothing for my ability to stay sober (especially having panic disorder). I lost my job about five months ago and am currently working on a certification so that once the baby's born I will have a good paying job that would allow me to afford an apartment of my own.
I feel like living on my own would present its own challenges (as well as to my sobriety), but I also think it would be easier without the temptation constantly in my face.
I can handle being around people who are having a glass of wine or so with dinner. That used to be difficult for me but it's not anymore... What's hard for me is people drinking liquor and getting tipsy around me.
I deal with it mostly by keeping to myself and hiding in my room. I recognize that I can't necessarily do that with a baby who will eventually need more space than my room provides (there's not enough floor source for crawling or toys).
Living with drinkers is already being difficult when I can hide away... I can only imagine what it'll be like when I have an infant that needs space to move around and I can't just hide from them when they're drinking.
I look at it as: either eventually they are going to have to make some compromises or I will.
And I think that eventually I will be the one making changes (since they have never been willing to make any). In the meantime I'm trying to build a safety net. I'm going to meetings and I've spoken with my sister (who doesn't drink or use any drugs) about moving in if I need to for my mental health, sobriety, and they baby's health (I am going to avoid this option if I can but if I can't handle it anymore I will use it).
So, I guess I would say there's probably a line for most people of what they can handle. If my roommates were more respectful I don't think it'd be a problem... But they're not... And that's the worst thing for me (especially knowing my pleas fall on deaf ears).
Best wishes, hang in there.
I'm and the same days sober as you (I think I'm at 117 days, will be four months next week). My fiance doesn't drink but my roommates do.
It has always been difficult for me. I've many times relapsed and dipped into my roommate's alcohol stash. Over the years I have no idea how many times I have asked them to keep their alcohol in their room or locked up and they never have. I've found myself many times drunk and ending the night with their alcohol in my hands. I've explained to them that I have a problem and that I steal their alcohol when I'm already drunk and I just can't stop... Sometimes it feels to me that they don't give a damn and would rather be angry at me for drinking than do anything to protect their "stash".
Their drinking is still a major trigger for me.
I realize it's not their job to protect my sobriety. I don't expect them to quit drinking because of me nor to not keep alcohol in the house... I just wish they would not leave it out when they're not using it, I wish they would make it inaccessible to me, I wish they wouldn't offer me to try a sip, I wish they wouldn't ALL stand around me and discuss booze while drinking.
They know I'm an alcoholic. They know I've been in recovery and relapsed many times.
They just don't understand... AT ALL. They have absolutely no understanding of how difficult it is to stay sober, even without then triggering me.
I've thought about moving out several times.
My fiance owns the house we live in (but we are leasing the property). For probably 5-7 years they've talked about moving out but never have... And as I've tried to get sober I've considered that I may have to move out to maintain sobriety. I've quite literally ached for a sober space, feeling that I can't live constantly surrounded by drinkers and alcohol.
I'm still considering it. With a baby on the way and my sobriety still hanging in the balance it feels even more like something I may have to do.
I feel trapped right now and that does nothing for my ability to stay sober (especially having panic disorder). I lost my job about five months ago and am currently working on a certification so that once the baby's born I will have a good paying job that would allow me to afford an apartment of my own.
I feel like living on my own would present its own challenges (as well as to my sobriety), but I also think it would be easier without the temptation constantly in my face.
I can handle being around people who are having a glass of wine or so with dinner. That used to be difficult for me but it's not anymore... What's hard for me is people drinking liquor and getting tipsy around me.
I deal with it mostly by keeping to myself and hiding in my room. I recognize that I can't necessarily do that with a baby who will eventually need more space than my room provides (there's not enough floor source for crawling or toys).
Living with drinkers is already being difficult when I can hide away... I can only imagine what it'll be like when I have an infant that needs space to move around and I can't just hide from them when they're drinking.
I look at it as: either eventually they are going to have to make some compromises or I will.
And I think that eventually I will be the one making changes (since they have never been willing to make any). In the meantime I'm trying to build a safety net. I'm going to meetings and I've spoken with my sister (who doesn't drink or use any drugs) about moving in if I need to for my mental health, sobriety, and they baby's health (I am going to avoid this option if I can but if I can't handle it anymore I will use it).
So, I guess I would say there's probably a line for most people of what they can handle. If my roommates were more respectful I don't think it'd be a problem... But they're not... And that's the worst thing for me (especially knowing my pleas fall on deaf ears).
Best wishes, hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 165
This is a really good question! I have same problem as U do. i guess the answer is U and I both have to be strong enuf in our sobriety...so someone else drinking doesnt bother us. but i pretty much find it impossible.
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