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I think i'm getting to the source of what started my drinking problem


I think i'm getting to the source of what started my drinking problem

Old 05-25-2016, 11:32 AM
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I think i'm getting to the source of what started my drinking problem

It seems a big reason behind my drinking was not being comfortable with the kind of man I am. I've always been a sensitive guy. I'm not really into manly or masculine things. I feel like I drink to stop myself from caring or appearing too weak. It started as a solution to dealing with women, then it moved on to how I started dealing with life.

I've always been taught by male friends not to show you care too much about a girl, and drinking made it alot easier. But now i'm asking myself why would I want to be with a women who I have to get drunk just to communicate with. Perhaps I have been going after the wrong kind of girls. Not that most of the women i've met this past year have been bad people, I just feel like none of them were what I needed. Most of them were in and out of relationships, terrified of responsibility, still trying to go out and party and be high or drunk all the time. And I felt like if I was drunk all the time I could stop these things from changing how I viewed them. I thought that's what men were suppose to do when it came to women. But I think it's time I change my standards a little, pursue a woman who is a bit more "stable" and positive.

I've also been working on myself, when it comes to dating my 3 problems are insecurity, anger and jealousy. My male friends would tell me stories about how they slept with some girl they just met, or how they slept with a coworker and it would make me feel like a loser. Now i'm starting to realize maybe all that stuff doesn't matter as much. I don't have to live like a rockstar or sleep with a different girl every weekend to be happy or feel like a real man.
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Old 05-25-2016, 01:21 PM
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Humans come in all shapes and sizes on the inside and outside, we need to learn to be open and accepting of all of them. Being sensitive does not make you any less of a man or a person for that matter. And yes, I can understand drinking to mask it, but you don't need to. Welcome to SR.
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Old 05-25-2016, 01:43 PM
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Self realization is certainly important younghyde. I think it's equally important however, to acknowledge our addiction as a distinct and real problem, regardless of the "cause". All those factors you list can certainly cause stress or discomfort, but the key is learning healthy ways to deal with then instead of drinking...because there will always be stress and problems in our lives.

I think your last statement is very much on-point: Most of those things don't matter.
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Old 05-25-2016, 02:00 PM
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Well as a woman I can say that a man that is 'sensitive' is a real man. A man that has some values and boundaries is strong and knows what he wants.

I think that most of us like confidence in our mate....but having a softer side is not weakness. Society puts so much pressure on men to be 'manly' the alpha. But what is that anyway? And if its just a performance, flaunting things like 'getting laid'(promiscuous sex, no matter what sex one is) to feel higher on the 'manly' ladder is pathetic, really. And then, of course, there are all kinds of societal pressures put on women, and massive double standards. Its sad. The good news is, the older ya get, the less ya care about that crap.

I love this quote by David Stewart "To know yourself is to become yourself". So very true. And accept exactly who you are...not drinking is much easier when I just accept me for me.
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Old 05-25-2016, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by YoungHyde25 View Post
I've also been working on myself, when it comes to dating my 3 problems are insecurity, anger and jealousy.
Those three will make you miserable. You're right to put your focus there. And as you work on those things, I think you'll find that the other stuff sorts itself out. The best way to attract a good partner is to make yourself into a good one yourself. Also I think you're right on track when you say that you shouldn't be pursuing people you have to be drunk to talk to. Being ourselves means casting a smaller net, but when you do find someone the results are so much better that way. Good luck, glad you're working through this stuff and getting alcohol out of your life!
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Old 05-25-2016, 09:37 PM
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Yep. Sounds pretty normal (for an alcoholic). Fear and resentment pretty much dictated to me up til when I worked the 12-steps. And they still can if I don't work my program. I felt like it was all pretty hopeless for a while, because I couldn't seem to help how I reacted to life, and those two jokers, Fear and Resentment were like my inner Laurel and Hardy making me behave alternately like a victim and then like a pompous ass, fill of grandiocity. Half the time I felt like I was scared of people, and even the (many) people who I hated left me worried that they might not like me. What kind of nutter worries whether someone they hate or dislike dislikes them?!! (An alcoholic one I suppose).

So, the good news is that it can get better. But if you're like me, that will only happen if you work on your recovery, and stay mindful of the pitfalls and alcoholic perspective chiming in.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery.
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:15 PM
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It sounds to me like the blind leading the blind, but now you're beginning to see more clearly. Keep it up! And, keep on with the not drinking plan.
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:34 PM
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Lots of women like sensitive men and some prefer them. You may not find them in the kind of places you've been looking, though. Probably most of those women have been doing the same thing, being what they think guys want. Try to find a girl who has wised up, like you, who will respect and care for you as you are. She would be worth the wait and the effort.
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Old 05-27-2016, 08:17 PM
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Being sensitive certainly doesn't make you any less of a man. And lots of times the guys who brag about sleeping with lots of women are full of it anyway. It's just macho horshs$&@!
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Old 05-27-2016, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
I think it's equally important however, to acknowledge our addiction as a distinct and real problem, regardless of the "cause".

This was my first thought when I read your post. This may or may not relate to your situation but here's my two cents.

I had several reasons I thought made me drink as much as I did. After a few years of trying to fix the cause I realized that my drinking wasn't caused by anything other than my addiction to alcohol.

I was the shy person who, initially, found that alcohol cured this and made me funny, relaxed, extroverted, etc. But if social anxiety was my problem then why did I end up drinking alone?

It sounds like you've got a good hold on your situation. Once the alcohol is removed we can work on ourselves. I've heard people say "I figured out why I drank so much. I HATED my career!" First, many people hate their careers but don't numb it with alcohol. Secondly, they find they continue with the alcohol after they find a job they love.

Maybe all that is more related to my experience but maybe someone can relate to some of it.
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