Katie88

I spent 90 days in treatment - and relapsed when I was free. Part of my relapse was because when i got out of treatment it still felt like my family didn't want me. I don't have a spouse or a job and it felt like my family didnt want me - what was the point of being sober?

Well, my family caught me in the relapse and said if i wanted a relationship with them i needed to go to detox. so i went and checked myself in as a gesture...i had absolutely no alcohol withdrawal so my being there was purely symbolic.

they came and picked me up from the detox and I've been home for a couple weeks. still sober. they said if i relapsed again i would get sent to a 90 day rehab again. so i am not drinking and going to AA but am having trouble just because my life seems so depressing at 30: no money, no job, no romantic prospects, living with parents, etc. i caused so much damage drinking that the things i want, and happiness, seem so far out of reach.

i know drinking isn't an option now unless i want to go back to rehab or be homeless with no family. so I'm sober, but i want to want to recover for myself - not because i am backed into a corner. does that make any sense?

awuh1

That makes perfect sense.

I think you have fallen into a sort of trap. That is, you've relied on circumstances and fears (like being in rehab or the threat of being homeless) to keep you from drinking. That may work in the short run but you need a long term solution.

I'd recommend that you stop judging your life by the standards that society in general judges us by, like "work", "relationship", "money" and and the place you are living. It's ok to want more, but you're not going to get it all at once.

Find a passion. Something you really like to do and focus on that for awhile. Hopefully it will become something that can make you some money in the long term. But in the beginning it should just be something you enjoy.

Live by the principles which are the steps and I have a feeling that the positive things will begin to appear more attractive than the alcohol.

All the best to you.

Sudz No More

No sense in beating yourself up. Look at the bright side, you have that family that is willing to help you. Just stay sober and relax at home for a while. Pretty soon if you stay sober the fog of war will start to lift. Just hang in there and things will get better.

Katie88

thank you both so much! that clarity is very helpful. just one sober day, and a meeting a day, for now. i hope the fog will start to lift!

fantail

Katie, oh man! We are/were in similar boats. I know how rough it is. I went to rehab last year at 31 immediately after losing my job and my relationship (and drinking away the last of the money I had saved). I had to move in with my mother afterwards. Those first few months were really, really hard. I felt a lot of shame, hopelessness, and aimlessness. I did truly want to stay sober for myself, but even so I was very overwhelmed by the mess I'd made and felt incredibly less than.

But sober time really does help. As I felt better mentally and physically I started pulling together freelance work and was able to eventually earn enough money to move out on my own again. Now I've been interviewing with multiple companies and will hopefully soon have a full-time job again and all of the normal adult life stuff restored. (knock wood). If not, I have my freelancing and my day to day is pretty good. I have friends and hobbies and I'm happy most days. I turned 32 at rehab (!!) and that was a very, very low moment for me. With any luck on my 33rd birthday in a few months I will be more or less fully back on my feet. I really have seen this year how just being sober puts me in a position to grab opportunities when they come along. It makes such a difference. (and I feel like the same will apply to relationships). I hope you hang in there, I'm sure you'll start to feel the same way! It's nice to have other 30-somethings on the wagon

Gottalife

Hi. I had similar experiences except I went a little further. No money no job, no friends no family, nowhere to live. Mentally so messed up I still could not see my drinking as the problem. In fact neither drinking or sobriety looked attractive.

I went to AA for a solution, not with a desire to stop drinking, but with a desire for the misery to stop. I felt like I had no future. I needed a better way to live. So I really tried with the AA program, sponsor, steps, and meetings, and things began to change.

For a while my imagination had deserted me, I didn't find much of interest in the world, but I persisted with the steps and the misery left to be replaced with a feeling deep,inside that at last I was on the right track. The drink problem seemed to dissapear. Then one day my sponsor rang me with the news I had been sober for three months. No one was more surprised than me. I had gone all that time without a drink, I didn't think that would be possible. Life continued to get better, and the misery was banished. I was 22 then, I'm 59 now, and it still amazes me.

doggonecarl

It's not out of reach. And take this oldster's word for it...30 is still young.

I started my life over (the first time) at 30. Quit drugs. Enrolled in college. Got a degree. Found a new career.

But it started with being clean and going after the things I denied myself by engaging in over a decade of drug abuse and addiction.

Stop using alcohol to deny yourself the things you want and deserve.

tomsteve

when i stopped trying to keep up with the jones' and decided i was the jones', even though i didnt own a home, have a shiney new car, a jillion dollar account, fancy clothes, and all that stuff that doesnt create happiness......
miraculous things happened in me.

if you keep going to aa, work the program, and not drink., your life can be whatever you want it to be. LOTS of great years ahead for ya!

tomsteve

one of me greatest influences in life is a man who got sober at 45. he was so bad physically he spent a month in the hospital. then quite a bit of time on the mental stuff.
anyways, he would say," you can do anything you want as long as you dont drink."
some of the things he did after getting sober at 45:

started a successful business
built and flew an airplane
flew in an f16
traveled to every continent.
built a wicked cool ford t bucket( crazy old codger put a 500hp engine in it, which he built himself)
built a sawmill,which turned into another successful business.

and one thing he says was more important than ANYTHING:
became a responsible, productive member of society and got his family back.

zjw

ALmost sounds like you gotta want yourself. Being sober for all these other(s) is great and all btu I dunno getting sober and remaining that way for me was the most selfish thing I ever did. As a result of that sure all the other(s) benefited.

It doesnt have to be depressing it also sounds like a pretty awesome do-over. no money no job no romantic prospects. Least you dont have a crap job and a crap relationship etc.. Sounds to me like your free to make your life into whatever you want it to be. that can be pretty scary adventurous and fun all at the same time.

cairn

Katie, do you have any control over the amount you drink once you start?

Katie88

none. i am not denying being an alcoholic. I've known that for years and kept drinking because i loved the release and relief. i now know that i can't drink again ever and am grieving this very significant loss.

Mountainmanbob

Yes, that makes sense and we hear that ones will not sober up totally for the sake of others.

It truly sounds like your life has become unmanageable due to your drinking. Just think of the wonderful things that might come your way if you stay sober. Believe me the list is long. If you are an alcoholic such as myself it has played out many times that when in a drunken state of mind not much seems to work out for the best. Actually in my case everything and everyone were slowly leaving me. Why not consider this your bottom and start to put your life back together sober? It all takes time but, baby steps in the sober direction leads most to a happy life.

Do you ever feel like you are in a war ?
I say often these days that the war is over -- Thank God.

Good luck,
Bob

Hawkeye13

Yeah, I grieved it too at first.
Now I'm glad it's out of my life.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are staying sober now Katie. All the things you seek in life will be much more attainable without alcohol.

The problem with most of us though is that we are very impatient, it's part of our addictive personality. We want instant gratification with drugs/alcohol, but we feel that way with our regular lives too sometimes. Having a house, job, relationship, etc and all the other things you want are absolutely attainable, but not all at once. You need to start small and also take inventory of some of the things you DO have. For example, you were very unhappy while in rehab and wanted nothing more than to get out, and now you are! You also have a very supportive family - as much as it may not seem so you are incredibly lucky to have parents still standing beside you throughout all this.

Soberwolf

Good job Katie

cairn

Ya. I am familiar with barleycorn's charms.

You may have already realized, rehabs don't always work for alcoholics in whom the obsession to drink has a real stronghold. They amount to little more than a waste of resources, a vacation from drinking, and we are usually straight back to work immediately on release, despite the high resolve, promises and obligations. 'A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.'

The alcoholic has been called the recipient of more useless good advice than anyone else on the planet. We become a useless, pitiful burden to everyone, and honestly, we cannot understand it any more than anyone looking on can. We strain everybody's patience lol, you will hear endless such stories at AA meetings if you get around much, you won't feel so alone Heck at least you still have parents who will claim you, mine ordered a full and formal abortion years ago - I had to move back in with the ex sheesh. Talk about humiliation and restrictions on freedom lol! Crampin my style! lol

We are NOT like normal people, we NEVER will be. Normal people assume that if we just want it bad enough we can plug the jug like they do, find alternative forms of entertainment, relief, wellness, ambition, and get back to living.

The obsession to drink, in an alcoholic, becomes SO paramount it eventually overrules all of our best intentions and other interests in life. Every once in awhile, barleycorn calls, we answer, he tricks us again, and life erodes and crumbles into bewildering destitution. If common sense fixed it we wouldn't be such problems We walk back in and pick it up like it's ginger ale. BAM! Over and over and over.

But it was out of this weary round of rehabs, sanitariums, psychiatry, self help, good ideas, fads, churches and doctors, all futile, countless thousands driven mad and to destruction, that AA itself was formed, and through which many find release and new, truly happy real living.

I myself just finally found the key to it last winter, and I'm looking up now from what seemed a stupid dusty old religious quack piece of literature, going, 'is this even *legal*?! Do people *know* about this??!' Here's the cool part - I never even had to give up drinking - once I fully accepted these terms for living the urge just disappeared exactly as they said it would. And I have barely made a beginning yet. NO you don't have to become stupid boring and glum! Quite the opposite!

Have you looked at their book? The chapter on alcoholism? What is your reaction to the 'spiritual way of life' angle?

Oh you have NO idea what is in store for you if AA ever sinks its teeth into you. Kings would give their kingdoms for it if they knew. You won't miss your jobs, you won't regret a moment of your life, you will indeed see it has been the very experience to get you to exactly where you need to be. And to you will be given the greatest power of all, for just so long as you insist on giving every single shred away.

Take heart woman! Don't upset the apple cart! After all, it's the cart we are concerned with! Do read that AA book. I was ready to burn it, when I finally discovered that holy gees we may fully rely on everything contained therein.

Just ask yourself what it all means to you. Nothing counts but total honesty and an open mind to experimentation. The only key is willingness, and barleycorn has an expert way of delivering that.

Cheers!