Obladi

HighDraw,

Glad you're being introspective about this, but be careful with beating yourself up. Not sure if you are doing that, but I know I had a tendency to do that and it prevented me from facing the issue head on.

Scott's onto a good idea. What else can you do to get some help? That used to be such an intimidating thought to me, but you know what? "Help" is a good thing! It's helpful.

HighDraw18

Scott/Obladi - thanks for reading. I've considered seeking out some external help but truth be told, the idea is really scary. I think if I was to seek it out I would opt for AA meetings but I'd have no idea what to expect. It's certainly something I'm mulling over.

And you're right Oladi - I definitely have a tendency to beat myself up. Need to let it go and move forward. Hanging on to regrets is never healthy but I don't want to gloss over what happened either.

ScottFromWI

To me your current life sounds pretty scary to be honest. Increasing binging, blackouts, not knowing what you did or where you did it...that's pretty scary stuff. The consequences are potentially very dire. And it's already happening - not theoretical. And the answer to the question of "did I do ( insert bad thing here )" will eventually always be yes. There's always a first ruined relationship because of a drunken text, a first DUI, a first blackout sexual encounter, a first STD, the list goes on and on.

Recovery is only scary to your addiction. In real life, recovery is about getting better. About learning to life a full life without hiding in a bottle of booze.

Obladi

Scott, that's true.
Perhaps you forget that the fear of the unknown is different that the familiarity of the known, frightening as it is.

I vividly remember the fear of doing something different. For me, it was mainly the fear of "people knowing." It was really difficult for me to figure out what the right next step was simply because I was getting stopped at that part.

HD, do you know what it is that's scary to you about doing something different? You say an AA meeting is probably your next right thing. What's intimidating about that? Maybe we can help.

HighDraw18

Scott - No question about it, blacking out is scary and the lifestyle is unmanageable. I'm not debating you at all. I agree something in my approach needs to change just not sure if AA is that change.

Obladi - I don't know what specifically concerns me...I guess just the unknown. I guess I don't understand the whole sponsor/working the steps process. I'll do some research.

Thanks for reading and posting guys. The support really helps.

Obladi

HD,

You don't need to know anything going into an AA meeting. You also are not required to have a sponsor or work the steps. As I understand it, the only requirement for showing up at a "closed" meeting is that you have a desire to stop drinking.

My understanding is that you can also call your local AA hotline (Google "AA (Insert Your City Name") and they can match you up with a person who will go to a meeting with you. How great is that?

I'm saying "my understanding" because that's not the route I took, but I'm pretty sure I've got it right and if I don't someone will surely correct me.

HighDraw18

Thanks for the info Obladi.

I think that I am going to give it another go utilizing SR as my main external support. If this attempt goes south then I will hit a meeting (I've got a schedule of meetings near me ready just in case).

I think I tried to take on too much at once pre-relapse. I was trying to quit tobacco and find a new job at the same time. Too ambitious me thinks. I think I'm going to let myself continue to dip until I get some solid sober time under my belt. It's not great but chewing tobacco never put me in dangerous situations or raised my anxiety through the roof.

Morning everybody - let's have a good day!

HighDraw18

Rainy, grey morning here today but I'm upbeat about where I'm at.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about forever and how drinking is just not an option in my life anymore. I'm becoming more comfortable with that and it's actually serving to quell my anxiety a bit.

My problem right now is patience. I want my sober time now but I know it must be earned. The problem that I see with binging is that it's hard to get excited about one day at a time. I've put months together before so I'm anxious to fast forward towards 6 months, 1 year sober. With respect to that, I'm trying to stay in the moment. I have a tendency to beat myself up over past events or look forward to things down the line and that's dangerous.

Hope everyone's doing well.

Obladi

I get that.
But think of the days you wouldn't have been drinking as freebies?
Many times I would have been happy for a 5-day running start!

HighDraw18

Haha Obladi, I never looked at it that way! I'll take my freebies.

HighDraw18

Morning everyone .

It's Friday!!!! Played basketball last night, which was great. I need to start working more cardio into my routine though! Wind isn't what it used to be.

I've got a full plan for my weekend so I'm not tempted to head out with my buddies at the last minute. 9 times out of 10 that's how a binge starts. Feel good and gonna have a sober weekend.

Dee74

sounds great HighDraw

D

Hawkeye13

Good luck and be strong!

Obladi

If you decide you're not going with the buddies, you won't.
It's as simple as that, HD.

As they say, set your confidence level to 110%
I have no doubt in my mind that you can make it through the weekend sober.

Jump on here if you start losing it.

HighDraw18

Thanks guys. I'm at home enjoying a sober Friday night. Got sober activities planned this weekend - should be good!

HighDraw18

Got through the weekend sober and it feels great.

Looking forward to a good weak. Weather is warming up and spring is around the corner.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you had a good weekend. Spring is a great time of the year to be sober for sure...the warm, fresh air feels great.

Hawkeye13

Great job on your sober weekend!
Now actively plan for a sober week--what will you do instead of drink,
what support will you get in your recovery, get some good food,
juices, tea, etc. and snacks to have at home to deal with cravings.

Obladi

Great job, HD.

Now - watch out for Weekend #2.
You'll really have a running start once you've gotten past that.

I don't mean to be a wet blanket at all, more like a cautiously optimistic supporter who has full faith you can do this.

HighDraw18

Thanks everyone - I appreciate the support.

Scott - Absolutely. I love spending time outside and golf season is kicking off - so many things I'd rather do than waste time being drunk or hungover.

Hawkeye - Will do. Weekdays are easier for me to stay sober (binge drinker) but I will definitely stay vigilant. Thanks for the reminder.

Obladi - I don't think you're a wet blanket at all! Second weekend is definitely a hurdle as I'm generally feeling pretty good. I don't want to take any chances so I already have sober activities planned for Saturday and Sunday.