HighDraw18

Hi All,

I wanted to start a thread that I could use as sort of a running journal for my thoughts. I don't mind if no one reads - this is more for me as a place to put my thoughts on paper.

Mentioned in my other thread but quick overview is that I drank alcohol on a daily basis 5 years ago and cut way back, including many extended stretches of abstinence. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life since, but I still struggle with binge drinking when I do decide to drink so I am looking to cut out alcohol (tobacco and drugs as well) completely and live a more positive life.

I have the day off from work for Presidents Day, but it is freezing outside and going to snow later, sigh, I hate winter. I think I have always suffered from some slight seasonal depression.

I was reading a bunch of stuff posted here by a user that seemed to be active from 2008-2012 and for whatever reason was completely moved by her story. I have nothing in common with the individual: she was a mid-30s single mom of 3 from the UK and I'm a 26 year old single guy from the US, but I felt her pain and honestly, I find myself hoping that she made it. I couldn't find any update on SR and she was last active in 2015...but I hope she's okay.

Strange thoughts on a grey, February morning but feel solid in sobriety.

ScottFromWI

Starting a journal sounds like a fine idea to me HighDraw. Sounds like you've been able to make some positive changes already, and congrats on the decision to quit completely.

I find SR invaluable as well not only to post and get direct support, but also to read others stories. Invariably you'll find someone that you connect with.

least

Journaling here can be very helpful to one's recovery.

zjw

when we write things out we tend to remember it better ouselves. so I know when i write out my drivel to others here i'm helping myself to remember my own words of wisdom lol.

its also good too because now and then i post something and someone pulls one of my old posts and calls me on my own BS and then i'm very thankful for that!.

HighDraw18

Thanks for reading guys.

I have dealt with anxiety throughout my life and sometimes it helps to write out random, racing thoughts.

Soberwolf

Journalling is a great idea

HighDraw18

Quiet day off here...stuck inside due to the weather, which means plenty of time to think, which isn't ideal for me.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of regret and that I have missed all of my chances - like the best times have come and gone. I know this isn't true but the feelings persist. For any Sopranos fans, it's like what Tony tells Dr. Melfi in the first episode, "but lately I'm getting the feeling that I cams in at the end. The best is over."

Hah, oh well, hopefully I have better coping skills than Tony.

HighDraw18

Continuation of my story.

So when I realized I had a problem 5-6 years ago I made a lot of big changes. I left college one semester shy of graduating and lived at home for a year (2011). I got a job managing a store 6 days a week and repaid credit card debt that I had racked up. I lost a bunch of weight and got into the best shape of my life. I jumped through all the necessary hoops to get re-registered at my old university and was on schedule to graduate May 2012. Most importantly, I had gained back a lot of people's trust. I wasn't completely sober but drinking was extremely infrequent and wasn't causing any issues (I had quit doing any drugs).

The only real negative was that just prior to leaving for school again (1300 miles from home)' my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I was floored - just a year prior she had told me she would leave if I didn't start going to meetings. I had cleaned up completely but I was happy to just hang out at home most of the time and that wasn't enough for her. I was wrapped up in improving my life and she started to look for attention elsewhere. It was a toxic relationship but in all honesty I miss her to this day.

I went back to college feeling refreshed and finished my last semester. I fell back into partying (some binge drinking and recreational drug use) but I didn't let it ruin my life. I felt responsible. I came home and got a job in finance. Life was good.

More to come.

Obladi

I totally support having a thread for yourself.
It's good for me to have a place of my own and a commitment to post their daily.

Look forward to reading your thoughts as you go along.

Fervor

This is a great idea. Do you mind if I copy it?

HighDraw18

So I got a job and life was generally good. I was trying to walk the straight and narrow and had pretty much isolated myself. I had no social life to speak of but that was okay because my life was moving in a positive direction.

I started going out again and I thought I was handling booze well. I could go months without drinking but I noticed that when I did, I was always drinking to oblivion. I drove home blacked out in 2013 and pulled into my driveway with a smashed up front end on my brand new car. I thank God everyday that I only hit a snowbank that night and it is a miracle that I didn't get a DUI. This was a wake up call and I haven't driven drunk since, but I didn't fully give up the booze.

Over the past 2 years I have gone through long periods of not drinking highlighted by huge binges here and there. My life is under control but I hate who I am when I'm drunk. I frequently blackout, use illicit drugs, and generally make poor decisions when I'm under the influence. I try to justify it by saying everyone parties like I do but the truth is they don't.

I've said it in another thread and I'll say it again: sober HighDraw doesn't recognize drunk HighDraw and that's scary. So I'm ready to never take another drink or drug again.

I'm also giving up dip (chewing tobacco) as it's the last remaining link to the person I was at my worst.

Thanks for playing along guys.

HighDraw18

Not at all. Go for it!

HighDraw18

Felt positive this morning and the feeling has stayed with me throughout the day.

Thought: I tend to get complacent sometimes and lack the willingness to get outside my comfort zone.

I have stayed at my job for far too long despite wanting to leave. Made some networking calls today and I am working towards finding my next opportunity.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you are making some positive strides in many areas of your life, getting outside the "comfort zone" is certainly difficult.

Soberwolf

Your doing excellent

Obladi

You're sounding good, HighDraw.
It's astounding what changing your perspective can do, huh?

HighDraw18

Thanks for reading guys . I feel slightly different than a lot of folks that are struggling daily - I haven't drank like that in years, although I remember it well and I respect everybody fighting through it.

Biggest challenge for me now is staying positive and vigilant. It's so easy for me to get comfortable or discouraged and just say, "f*** it! I'm gonna go out and get bombed."

But I know that isn't healthy so going to do my best to avoid it.

HighDraw18

Feeling good this morning. The weather has been warming up a bit this week so that always helps my mood. Most of the snow has melted off and I'm hopeful I might be able to get out to hit some balls this weekend (fingers crossed!!!!).

A couple of buddies want to grab dinner Saturday night. I'm a little concerned as we would usually drink through dinner then go out and drink more. I haven't decided if I'm going to skip it or just not drink. Maybe I'll volunteer to be the designated driver? Hmm I'll have to think about this!

Have a good day guys!

ScottFromWI

Glad you are having a good day HD. Regarding the dinner, ask yourself this: Is the purpose of the meeting really eating dinner, or is it just a clever disguise that they use to go out drinking together? For me getting sober meant some pretty major changes in my life - including changing some of the people I hung out with and the places I hung out at. If they are good enough friends, you should be able to tell them ahead of time that you won't be drinking and they should have no problem with that. But if the sole purpose of the evening is drinking....what will you actually do while you are there? Think about that for a bit.

Dee74

I stayed away from drinking and heavy drinkers until I was 110% sure I wanted to be sober more than anything. If there's any discomfort in the idea for you, maybe that's a sign you need a little longer to build up those 'sobriety muscles'?

D