breath

Welcome! Here you'll find the resources, support and fellowship to help you through the recovery process and develop the sobriety you seek.

Take this event as an opportunity to embrace your true self and become the person you desire to be.

biminiblue

Yes.

Let it go.

You don't have a crystal ball. No one can read the future. They call that "future tripping." It isn't useful. Let go of the "what ifs."

solita1

Yes, need to learn to let go of things. For me, giving up drinking doesnt seem difficult, as I have gone off it for months at a time before, but I just cant shake the feeling that my last drunken episode will forever define me, even though my apology has been accepted and others have told me to forget about it. Right now nothing can really take those feelings away.

I didnt kill anyone, I just lost my temper at something someone said and caused a bit of a scene in a place where nearly everyone would have been drunk anyway. I am still so ashamed though.

biminiblue

Stop dwelling on it. Do something to take your mind off of it. Clean a closet, find a hobby, go volunteer at an animal shelter walking dogs or visiting with cats.

Breaking obsessive thinking is key to a happy life. The way to do that is not dwell on the negatives!

solita1

yeah, I do tend to over think things even at the best of times. I'm just frustrated that I let myself down and not the person I know I am and can be.

Ive told friends I'm giving up drink but they just laugh as we've all said this before when hungover. I do believe my friends drink more than me and much more frequently...they dont seem to get into arguments etc with their families etc but would they also qualify as having a drinking problem? Even if bad things dont happen?

biminiblue

The only person I can diagnose is me. I don't have to figure out anyone else's drinking other than mine. You're not with these people 24/7 and have no idea what goes on in their lives. They'll tell you what they want you to know.

Why does it matter to you what anyone else is doing? The drinking affects you in a way that makes your life uncomfortable. It does that to me, too. I don't get in fights, I get super-friendly and chatty. This comes with its own set of problems and is something that frequently got me in trouble.

I have a much better life without alcohol.

ScottFromWI

Your friends and family will believe you when you actually stay sober for a period of time. You cannot change what you've done, but you can change how you handle yourself from today forward.

How much other people drink is not relevant, worry about your own problem as it's all you can control.

solita1

Ok, thanks. Do you meditate or anything. I started meditating a year or so ago and love it. In a way Im glad what happened happened as it is giving me real determination to not drink again as I cant be trusted after a few drinks. Had I not caused a scene I probably wouldve waited a few months and my dark side wouldve come out eventually.

ALinNS

I believe that is a question you might want to consider asking a health professional, especially your family doctor as they know your history and can help you. In my case I have to due to the level I binge at but everyone is different.

awuh1

An apology is all well and good. It is often a good first step, but it may not be all you can do. Have you considered making amends for your behavior. This would consist of asking your cousin if there is anything that you can do to make things right, any action you can take to help repair the damage. Then be prepared to do it (unless of course this would harm someone).

If she says there is nothing you can do, beyond your apology, then you have done all that you can. Let it go.

What you do about your drinking is another matter. I would consider it well.

solita1

I apologised to everyone and they said to forget about it and that it is all forgotten about. I'm not sure what I could do apart from not drink again. I live in a different country and rarely see these people. One I hadnt seen for 10 years the other 2 for about 6.

Do you believe that the apology isnt enough? I told them how sorry I was and how I was ashamed and embarrassed by my behaviour and they told me to forget about it and accepted the apology. I'm not sure what else I could do for them due to being in a different country and also not having any real relationship with these people apart from being relatives.

What kind of things could people be asked to do beyond apologising? Like if someone upset you and apologised then asked if there is anything else they could do, what would you say to them?

ScottFromWI

You can make a plan to live your life sober and prevent further episodes like this from happening. There is a big difference between simply "not drinking" and living life sober. Living sober means figuring out healthy ways to deal with life's problems and better ways to relax/enjoy yourself without alcohol/


See my reply above. You have to let this go...there is nothing you can say or any gesture you can make that will undo what you've done.

solita1

ok thanks. From experience, if you apologised to someone and they accepted, was that enough for you? Obviously it doesnt make the behaviour ok but at did it at least give you some peace of mind to help you to continue with your life?

awuh1

It's not up to you to decide what else you can do. That's why you ask them. You could be surprised with their answer.

There are times when taking this extra step means ALOT to the person who has been hurt, even if they decline your willingness to take action. Either way, you put it in their hands.

I respectfully disagree with Scott. There are times when an offer to make amends will actually strengthen a relationship.

solita1

ok, I understand what you mean, but if there is basically no relationship there to begin. As I've said, they are people I have seen very little in my life. We live in different places. Have nothing in common except for blood.

I acted out of order and apologised profusely - that apology was accepted and I was told to forget about it and was thanked for apologising.

I know what you mean about going that bit extra but what would you say if someone asked you if there was anything else they could do?

I feel bad enough as it is, and explained to them how much this has affected me - they know the apology is genuine. I dont want to feel worse by thinking I should be asking if there is anything more I can do when everyone told me just to forget about it.

awuh1

You will never know the result of doing this until you do it. If you think it will cause harm then don't do it. If not, why not?

My suggestion was made primarily for your well being.

Recovery999

I worked the 12 Steps. On Step 4 (personal inventory) I wrote down my past and my character defects (anger, fears, resentments, etc). I read it out loud to another person for Step 5. After this event, about 90% of the guilt and shame (and I had PLENTY) went away for me. I don't think about those things anymore.

Apologizing came in Step 9- made amends to all people we had harmed.

The best type of amends is a "living amends" i.e. if you hurt a friend or relative, make sure you are the best friend, daughter, etc you can be in the future. And make sure to never do it again!

solita1

That is what Im trying to tell myself, that I am determined to be the best person possible from now on. I just dont want people seeing me in a negative light. I dont see my relatives much so they probably wont get to see the 'new' me. I dont want them to hold onto thoughts of me being a guy who causes arguments and overreacts to stuff when drunk.

I hope when those involved accepted my apology and said to forget about it, they meant it. That will make going forward easier for me.

ScottFromWI

To clarify I wasn't suggesting that apologies/amends are not helpful, but the OP has already apologized multiple times. In my opinion actions speak louder than words once an apology has been issued. It's up to the person at the other end as to whether or not they "accept" it and continuing to apologize over and over is not helpful IMHO.

ScottFromWI

You need to find a way to move forward whether or not they accept your apology unforutnately. You cannot control how other people react - and while apologizing is a good gesture, some people may simply not accept it. That is their choice and you cannot control it.

That's why you need to doubly focus on today and controlling what you CAN control. You CAN find a sobriety plan that works for you. You CAN choose to be sober today and prevent further incidents like the ones from the past from happening again.