biminiblue

I'm pretty sure they haven't given it a second thought. No one thinks about you that much, they are thinking about themselves.

What are you going to do to ensure that you don't pick up a drink again? What are you going to do at a party? Do you have a plan for how to talk yourself down when you have an urge for a drink?

awuh1

An apology and an amends are quite different things Scott. That's why I suggested the latter. People often believe they are the same thing, but they are not.

solita1

surely making amends in my case is just to make sure it never happens again and be the person I believe I can be. Every case is different, were these people I saw regularly then I could make amends in different ways but as we barely know each other anyway it is not that simple.

In your cases, when someone accepted an apology did you take their word for it. After all, they couldve ignored me and told me never to speak to them again. Instead they were the ones who told me to forget about it and not to worry (yet here I am worrying obviously - cus I let myself down).

If someone does me wrong and they apologise then I always accept it, I dont hold grudges, especially against things said/done when drink was involved cus I know what drink does to people.

My plan from now on is simply not to drink alcohol. I have already proven to myself many times that I can go to bars, parties etc and not drink, the key is too make this long term which will obviously be tricky. Normally the pressure to drink comes from other people anyway so I'll just make sure I stand my ground.

Dee74

Reputations can be rebuilt. I used to be the neighbourhood drunk bum, the guy mothers shooed their kids away from.

Generally, I'm not remembered for that anymore. That's not to say some people might still think of me that way but there's absolutely nothing I can do about that, yeah?

It doesn't worry me now because those events and those behaviours do not define me in 2016.

To me everyday is a gift - it's another chance to do right, in some small way everyday.
If I'm looking back at yesterday, I might miss the good stuff I can do today.

with regards to drinking - if drinking makes you behave badly even once or twice a year, and the ramifications of your drinking cause this much upset and despair for you, I think you need to consider not drinking at all?

Would it be that much of a loss?
D

solita1

Yes I think you are correct. There have been 4/5 times in the past year/year and a half where I have felt horrible for days or weeks due to my behaviour towards my gf and my family. This last time the behaviour was in front of a load of family, who have also seen me act like a fool in the past 5-10 years ago but not like this, not getting angry and overreacting.

I think I should just give up drink but part of me keeps thinking of all the times where I behaved myself. Is one or 2 times enough to give it up for good? Interested to hear opinions. Could it just be a control issue?

ScottFromWI

If it were a control issue you would never drink more than you plan on drinking - think about it logically for a minute. That would be my opinion.

Another thought....how exactly would you know if the next time you drink would be a time where you can control your drinking or not? Did you know on any of the previous times?

solita1

Normally my drinking gets out of control when I am around certain people who drink a lot. When for example I am out with my girlfriend I generally just have a few if any. When I have friends visiting or I hang out with certain friends, that is when things get out of control. When I stay out of those situations my drinking is controlled.

Also, when I am in my native country I get carried away as we have a big drinking culture, but in my every day life I am quite controlled, hard working etc..but when I am around certain people or in certain situations I get carried away. Without those I am a 'normal' drinker, I think.

ScottFromWI

Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic/problem drinker solita. What you do in your every day life and how you control things other than your drinking aren't really a good indicator of whether or not you can "control" your drinking though. Many people are able to function well in their daily lives for a time but have still a drinking problem. And usually the problem gets worse to the point that it start affecting the rest of our lives. When it gets really bad, some people end up losing their jobs, families and even their lives because alcohol takes over everything.

If you read other peoples stories here, you'll also find that for the vast majority, it's not possible to "control" your drinking part of the time. In essence, alcoholism is really a an all-or-nothing situation. For most it's progressive too...and the uncontrollable drinking becomes more and more frequent.

But again, none of us can tell you with 100% certainty...you need to decide for yourself.

solita1

Thank you for your answers. I think giving up is probably the best thing for me. Everything else in my life is in order, just need to get this in order to be the person I want to be.

Think I just need to move on from the incident last week, my apology was accepted, I need to accept that and try to forget about it, I am feeling better but wish the thought would just go away. If other people think Im an idiot then I need to accept that there is nothing I can do about it.

How long does it take for the shame to disappear?

biminiblue

The guilt is gone when you decide it is. It's in your head, no one else's.

solita1

I am a natural worrier- something else I need to address.

Do you find that people who accept apologies genuinely do?

FormerWineGirl

I think that with these warning signs, it is a good idea to quit drinking while you still have a handle on things. However, I think you are being much to hard on yourself. From what you say, you said some things you shouldn't have, but you apologized and it was accepted. There is no point in beating yourself up over it any longer. If it would make you feel better, drop a card in the mail reiterating your apology.

SoberCAH

Most of us have experienced these types of painful episodes and the resulting consequences.

It's certainly not fun.

I got help for my drinking when I was just a little older than you (age 31), and I don't behave the way I used to.

Keep us posted about what you do.

It sounds like not drinking would be a smart thing to do.

solita1

Thanks,

Yeah, I need to stop beating myself up. My apology was accepted, I should just try to forget about it but sometimes it is hard. I keep thinking maybe they just told me it was accepted but are lying. I should just accept that they have accepted it lol.

I am definitely giving up drink. Those 4-5 times I have acted like a fool in the past few years are enough. Im sick of the hangovers and shame after my stupid behaviour.

No other time was like this though, I still feel shame over a week later. At the end of the day, all I did was overreact to some comments which I thought should not have been made..but I went about it the wrong way. Arguments happen all the time, even sober I still wouldve been angry and pissed off but I wouldnt have raised my voice and caused a scene...or who knows.

90% of the people who saw me overreact are people I never see anyway and wont for many years probably, but I am still ashamed. I think it is probably because I am disappointed in myself. I know I cant change how people think of me, an I really shoulnt care - I dont have to see or deal with these people at all except for a few hours every 5 years. I'm sure they will still remember though.