BirdOnWire

"Like a bird on a wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried, in my way, to be free"

Leonard Cohen, a Canadian gift

Sobriety IS freedom.

Hawkeye13

Yes--I never thought I would get past "wanting" to drink but I also have absolutely no desire to drink again.

I am happier, more in touch with myself and life, and so grateful

DoubleDragons

I am almost 22 months sober. My craving for alcohol is almost nil. Occasionally, I get winsome during the holidays or at an outing with people with whom I used to drink a lot. Two realizations that helped me with my "nostalgia" was that 1) I have noticed while sober that people don't change their personalities that much when they are drinking. They are pretty much the same people until they have had too much, then they become obnoxious, boring, loud and tedious. I can only assume that I am the same way. Therefore not drinking, I am still "me." I learned that people didn't like me because of I was a "fun drinker". They liked me despite of my crazy drinking. 2) I am proud of who I am as a sober, recovering person. I am stronger. I make wiser decisions. I am healthier. When I put a few sips of alcohol into my system, I drink that part of myself right away. So, it is not "wise, recovering DD" that decides to have another drink, or another 5 drinks or to try some crazy stunt while in a blackout. A few sips of alcohol transforms my brain into addicted DD and one can only guess where that is going to lead. So my fantasy of normal drinking is just that because alcohol in my blood takes all semblance of "normal" away from me.

Fly N Buy

Itchy,

I stay in the solution - but, while not nostalgic for the "good old days" there's more of a feeling of having survived and lived to laugh about some of our trials and tribulations.

Maybe it's the program I'm in - we are not a glum lot = sardonic / gallows humor even when dealing with a deadly disease.

So, I can't help reference this -

We are people who normally would not mix. But there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful.

We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck, when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain's table. Unlike the feelings of the ship's passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.


But I am sensitive to your point and I too have no desire to drink today either. That crazy obsession has been removed and life is so much better.

I do not however fall into the category of my worst day sober is far better than my best day when I was drinking. That is simply untrue, for me.

Rule 62

fini

Drinking normally is what I want and I want to believe I can. Although I have proven to myself in the past I cannot do it. BUT i had not worked on the emotional pieces before... so it goes round and round.

AnonSara,

you have proven one thing to yourself. proven.
but you want to believe the opposite, regardless of the proof you have.
you have the proof and don't believe it.

that's a screwy place to be in.
it's where the "but's" come in, in their many forms.

what we'd like to believe, what we wish to be so, doesn't , in reality, hold up against what's really so.

freshstart57

Just as all humans must do in order to achieve a balanced and satisfying life, we must accept what is. We addicts are no different in that way in the least. It may be more challenging for us due to our history of refusal to do this, but the fact still remains. We must accept what is.

lighter

At a personal level it doesn't matter to me whether I was an alcoholic or a heavy drinker. I gave up when I thought I was a heavy drinker.

It's semantics.

Do you want to return to where you were when you were drinking? You can't expect next time to be any better. Maybe you can hope, but you can't guarantee.

dsmaxis10

Kick your av in the nuts. Day two had four years had three beers and was back to were I used to be in a short time for the last two and a half years it's not worth it trust me. Every time I drink it gets worse can't even get a week now start iop voluntary Tuesday.

2ndhandrose

I am currently at 6 months and 15 1/2 days sober (but hey, who's counting )

This is coming off of a 22 year relapse after 6 years sober.

What I never stopped thinking about during my 22 yr relapse was how happy I was during my 6 yrs of sobriety. I fantasized about being sober.

I still think about alcohol but mostly about how happy I am to feel free of its deadly grip on me. I'm no saint, I still have my AV that tries to give me the gears but now I can choose not to pay it any mind.

Not always easy but always worth it.

mpr

My two cents... I was sober for nearly 8 years and decided to try again. Now nothing bad happened but neither did anything good. Like many have said it just isn't worth the hassle, hangovers, keeping track, the mind f**k. It is easier to just abstain as less variables are in the mix, easier to manage.

I decided to give it up again as I prefer sobriety.

You can take our word or see for yourself.

FeenixxRising

You say you've been sober for awhile and working the Steps with a good sponsor, yet even with all this you still have a desire to drink? Perhaps you need more help than the 12-Steps or your sponsor can provide. Have you tried counseling or maybe using a secular behavioral modification program like SMART Recovery in conjunction with AA?

IOAA2

Hi.
I learned early on that thinking about NOT drinking has better results than thinking about drinking.
I am grateful to share that I haven’t had a desire to drink in over 36 years, after drinking a liter of vodka every evening for too long.

BE WELL

sg1970

A friend of mine with about the same amount of time as you thought he had it whooped. Went out about a month ago. This week it's hallucinations and dt's. Screw that.

fini

hi AnonSara,
it's your thread

how are you doing with it all now that you've had so much feedback?

CousinA

Thank you.

Like you. I haven't had the desire to drink since early in my sobriety. When the occasional thought passes my mind I think about sleeping on park benches and subways, respiratory arrest and selling my ass and blood for the next one. That hasn't been my life for a very long while. None of the above is non-alcoholic behavior.

-allan

Itchy

I do fall into that category, as if I lost my wife and children in an accident that would be my worst day sober. It will remain better than my best day drinking which started with shaking and drinking shots in my coffee every day. I was miserable. You see I would be able to feel the grief and the pain and be able to make the somber decisions and arrangements the end of life entails. As a drinker I would have proclaimed my grief as an excuse to drink more.

But that is me and I am recovered from drinking and its effects on my life. Some AArs, which I was for months 2-5 of my recovery, feel that AA and alcoholism has no ending. I don't believe that myself and respect the views of those that do for them. I have dear people in my old AA home group who do and benefit from it. I don't begrudge them their beliefs and succor.

But by no means don't make the mistake of thinking me humorless in my own recovery. Here is a link to one of my posts here on SR when I only had one year and four months sobriety: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3226921

Here's one I wrote in my first month sober here on SR in October 2010. It was right after my worst day sober at 58, right after my younger brother died at 56 of a massive heart attack and my plane broke down making me miss the only flight there to make his funeral. Then I spent several hours in the airport where I normally would be drinking.

It was better than my best day drunk, when I was voluntarily and mentally disabled. I was enabled to help from afar, from an airport, the others, who'd lost their husband and daddy. In my worst moment of grief, I did not make it selfishly about me.

I thanked the powers that be for my sobriety. Not because I would not drink there, but so I COULD deal with the worst day I had sober. I wrote:

"I liked drinking when it was voluntary, not when it became mandatory."


and

"From about six months sober I realized that we indeed need to start with a clean slate, and here it is before us, and many times we look at the blank canvas we asked for, and we see the paints we can use and choose, and that the brushes are all cleaned and ready, but for some reason we say we can't, when won't is really the truth we need to face. I was afraid I would bung it up again."


and

"I haven't lost drinking, I have gained sobriety."


See as I also wrote early on:

"Sobriety is no loss for me but a new adventure."


I make no apologies for thinking my drinking days as dark. There is no funny about it. Sad? Comical in the denial? The most positive thing I can say about my drinking is that it was sad, and a waste of almost ten years of what could have been my most productive period in life, 48-58.

No I did not drink because I had my worst day sober less than a month after detoxing my first, and last time. The bad day when my most loved brother died suddenly. I now have five years sober and happy. At the time I knew many would have relapsed. But I found a determined grin, because the only thing that kept crossing my mind was he was totally deprived of the rest of his life, and I could dang well live mine as best, and sober I can. I really thought there at the airport that my Bro, who was a terrible claustrophobic, and would not board an airplane FOR ANY REASON, caused my connection flight to break so I could not fly, and make a family required affair good or bad, as he did his whole life.

I could find irony, even then, sober. I was able.

Enjoy.

MelindaFlowers

A few years ago if some "all knowing" person would have told me, "You are not an alcoholic," I would have driven to the liquor store to celebrate.

Now, if some "all knowing" person told me I wasn't an alcoholic I'd say "That's nice." I wouldn't drink. Why? I like these 30 lbs I've lost. I like fitting into my old clothes. I don't miss the hangovers. Oh, those hangovers at work were the worst. I don't miss the mental obsession. Who thinks about what liquor store to go to after work....at 8 am?? Hiding liquor bottles in the trunk of my car was annoying. Did I mention I DON'T MISS THE HANGOVERS?

What alcohol did for me can't be found in two drinks. Why even think about moderation? Oh, and I would break every rule I'd make.

So what if you never were an alcoholic? If you then want to play by the non-alcoholic rules of life, you'd never be able to drink more than two drinks a night. I have a gut feeling it would awaken some long-sleeping demon and the aftermath wouldn't be pretty.

Why did you stop drinking when you did? Specific incident? Tired of hangovers?

lighter

Since I have given up on alcohol I've had days that were worse than any I had when I was drinking.

Being sober meant I could deal with them.

If I had been drunk, those days would have been much worse.

MelindaFlowers

That's brilliant. I have had some very low days and lost the first person in my life in my sober year. But I got through them without a hangover.

I LOVE the saying "There's nothing so bad that drinking couldn't make worse...."

ZetaP38

Hi, AnonSara ~

“She finally realized that when she enjoyed drinking, she couldn’t control it; and when she controlled it, she didn’t enjoy it.” Unknown


I know beyond a doubt that I would not enjoy moderation one teensy, tiny bit. I didn't like it before I got sober and would hate it more now. I think a bullet would taste better.

I'd tried 'just two' at a work party where I dare not get drunk. It was a tense party and I left as early as I could - went home and had as much as I wished. In AA lingo, it was called "finishing the drunk". Unbeknownst consciously to me, once that craving was trigged, insanity was on the march.

Looking back in AA, through being shown what to look for by the experiences of other, I remembered the misery of that unsatisfied craving when it couldn't be satisfied in a short time - the irritability, sulkiness, rage. I was amazed.

One night I came home from work and only had an inch or two left in the 1/2 gal jug in the fridge. It should have been more (I'd planned for it to last another night). However, I drank more than intended the night before (why did that always surprise me?), so it was near bottom. I studied that jug for a couple of minutes...subconsciously weighing....

Finally, I decided to just go to bed without. I had no clue that I was weighing no-booze against the craving that would come from being teased. (If anyone would have asked what I was doing standing with the fridge door open, I'd probably have said the 'truth', "Oh, I'm deciding if I want to watch TV first or just go to bed."

I'm not trying to talk you out of trying moderation. I just want to be sure that you've had an opportunity to review your history with some examples of the craving phenomenon.

If they aren't part of your history - or even if they are - and should you decide to drink, some awareness might be helpful. Don't go on holiday; make it a research field trip.

I hope you'll reconsider and search out other possible causes for this persistent thought - like being in a boring place in life (or other emotion) and wanting a quick change.

Maybe watch "The Matrix" where Neo is in the car the first time with Trinity and Switch. Neo opens the door to get out and has turned to look back a dismal, forsaken road.

Trinity: Don't do it, Neo.
Neo: Why not?
Trinity: Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be....



Heart hugs,

PJ