AnonSara

Just wanted to run by my thoughts with others....

I have been sober for a while. I have been working the 12 steps with a really good sponsor for some time and going to regular meetings. I do have to admit that at the same time I am not hitting the 12-step programs with the same intensity I was in the past. For a lot of reasons. So I know I may just be in my AV thought process but I've been thinking a lot about how if I have changed so many things about my character defects, become aware and made changes in my interpersonal relationships, acknowledged the reasons why I drank in the first place and how drinking never became a means to an end I wanted, then why couldn't I drink if I did it like a normal person? That is, not drinking in secret, being honest about my consumption, not over-consuming, not using for the reasons I convinced myself I needed to drink. I know I'm assuming that once I have a drink that I'll be able to "control" it. But I'm not obsessed with getting drunk or escaping. I just think a gin and tonic sounds good.
I feel like all my emotional stuff led to the problems with alcohol and so if I'm really in touch with that and continue to work on that is it possible to be a "normal" drinker?

suki44883

Yep, that sneaky old AV. Less than a month ago you came here because you were thinking about a relapse. Don't fall for the talk...you are better off not drinking. You know that.

SDH73

I guess my question would be why you would think that being able to have drinks is important?

I mean, if you've been cleaning up some messes in your life and working your sobriety to better yourself, what would be the purpose of drinking again? Wasn't it quitting that helped you to come to some realizations and make some positive changes?

P.S. I agree that an occasional gin and tonic sounds nice. I also know that if one is nice, two would be even better. And so on. Easier for me to not drink at all than to try and control it.

amp123

Sounds like an extremely dangerous idea to me. AV's having a sneaky wander through your subconscious, mate!

zjw

it might feed the AV if you consume. At least I'd assume it would. I saw someone post up on here once that they relapsed had a few drinks and immediatly the obsession was reignited and they found themselves obsessing over it all over again coming up with reasons to drink etc...

Roll the dice if you want to but you very well could be playing with fire.

zjw

Just to add I'v ehad some of the same thoughts. I'm so disciplined now i eat right i exercised my ducks are in a row in many respects. I think I probably would not even like the taste to be honest. and even if i did like the taste the next morning after a couple beers i'd probably not feel so great and not wanna repeat that again.

Thats really how I think it might go down if i picked up. But I really dont know. and I dont wanna take that kind of risk. If i rekindle that flame for the drink and feed that monster i'll have quite the battle on my hands to stuff it back into its little box.

happybeingme

For me my alcoholism has two facets the mental / emotional and the physical. Mentally and emotionally I have never been healthier. Had you asked me ten years ago if I thought I could feel this way I would have said no. But physically I am addicted to alcohol and that is forever. I can't fix it. I can only abstain. But, four years of sobriety and I couldn't care less about never drinking again. It's who I am. A non drinker.

AnonSara

thank you for the comments. I really want to believe I can drink normally because I LOVE the feel of alcohol in my system. I just do.
So SDH73, I guess it's not important to drink... I just miss that feeling. Chasing that feeling without the consequences of a hangover, bad behavior etc sounds appealing. Drinking normally is what I want and I want to believe I can. Although I have proven to myself in the past I cannot do it. BUT i had not worked on the emotional pieces before... so it goes round and round. I really want to try and I am afraid to try and that's probably a good enough reason not to do it.

suki44883

All of us wanted the exact same thing...just to be able to drink like people who aren't alcoholic. We tried denial, moderating over and over again...anything other than accept that we were alcoholic.

If you have tried multiple times before and it just doesn't work, maybe it's time to accept that you just cannot drink. We all had to face that reality at some point.

doggonecarl

yeah...about drinking.

Non drinkers don't expend a fraction of the amount energy you have thinking about alcohol. Non drinkers. I don't mean "normal" drinkers, and I don't mean alcoholics trying to quit. I mean people who don't drink. They don't think about it.

That's my goal in recovery. To be a non drinker who doesn't think about drinking, or not drinking.

JeffreyAK

I guess you'll have to figure that out yourself, all anyone else can do is relate personal experiences. For me, I am absolutely **not** an alcoholic since I don't drink and haven't in years, but I know exactly what would happen if I put myself in a place where I started drinking again, and it would not end well.

SDH73

I sympathize, AnonSara. I loved how alcohol made me feel. That's why I had to stop drinking it, because I wanted to feel like that an awful lot. I enjoyed drinking more than being sober, and my sober time became tedious. Just getting through it so I could go have drinks and feel good. But it was always a fleeting goodness and there were always consequences.

I want to enjoy my time, not just get through it so I can get down to the drinking. Removing alcohol from the equation allows me the freedom to seek and find things that bring me genuine joy.

On The Road

One drink never means one drink for those of us in recovery. Forget about the emotional side of things, we are doomed by biology. Once the switch is flipped, our bodies will crave alcohol until it destroys us.

least

It's easier to not drink at all than to try to "drink normally".

toadie54

I can relate a lot in what you have said here...think "normal" drinking is out of the question for me, only complete abstinence will work.

Dee74

After many years I've come to see that any thought that ends in me drinking again is proof I'm still alcoholic.

I destroyed my life completely with alcohol. Beyond crashed and burned.

8 years on, after a ton of work, I have a great life now, built on me being sober.

Why would anyone risk messing that up....unless they were addicted?

D

emilycrystal

This is my greatest dream, although I find it highly unlikely. If I lived to be be 150 years old and never touched another drop I'd still be obsessed with not drinking. I mean it's been a year and I think about it every day.
I've met people with 15 and 30 years and they STILL think about alcohol. It's really depressing and almost makes me want to give up.

Soberwolf

This is why i love D's advice - Spot on

Hevyn

I loved it too, Sara. So much that I almost lost my life trying to manage it & have 'a few' now and then. It never worked for me - not once. As soon as it was in my system, all my determination left me. Please be careful.

MIRecovery

So what exactly would drinking give you?