Kllme

I don't even know what to do anymore. Was on decent streak sober.

I am a halfway young guy who has a college degree. I haven't showered in 10 days or shaved.

I have not made a mortgage payment since 2013. House in forclosure. Don't work now but supposedly have job lined up.

I am a train wreck. Went through withdrawls where I was constantly coughing/ gaging along with anxiety. sweating, insomnia. Had to take 12 shots just to get through it. All I was doing was pacing the floor while hot, tremors, insomnia, anxiety. I live by myself so for the most part, no one knows.

I have to take around 12 shots just to make me feel "normal". I had phone interview, I did 20 shots to relax me. They had no idea because it takes prob. 4 times that to get me drunk. Tolerance is ridiculously high. A fifth of vodka. Straight shots may give me a buzze. Most would prob. be in the ER.

I don't know where this will end up but don't feel positive. Withdrawls are worse. I sweat, don't sleep, start coughing, feel like I am gagging then spit in the sink. Don't eat alot because I know I will be throwing it up but yet still have a gut.

Please don't tell me to see a Dr. I am worried they may take anxiety med away. I can never tell people real truth but this is anonymous.

Mom made a comment about my weight gain. She never drinks but dad was hardcore alcoholic. I tried on clothes she bought me and right away because of her experience said " that is your liver".

I know my billirubin is high. I have a feeling my red or white blood cells are not functioning correctly. You know how when you get a papercut, it is fine and skin is repaired the next day. It takes my small wounds weeks to repair and some of them they do, the wound may be closed but the skin will not completely repair itself.

On top of that with job, I would be in hotel a couple days a week by myself and we all know hotels have bars but have to take job.

I never thought my life would be this messed up. I was once a good athlete that looked the part. Now I feel like a fatass and loser.

I had to get this off my mind.

Soberwolf

Hi Kilme i realise you want to be Anonymous and if your worried about seeing a Dr i think you need to do something before it gets any worse

Have you contacted your local alcohol addiction services ? mtns ? addiction counselling ?

Here is help with a plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

MIRecovery

Welcome

It sounds like you are in deep. Maybe you don't want to see a doctor but you don't want to be living under a bridge or die.

Reach out to your family and ask for help

skg

Call AA in your area. If you are serious about wanting help, they may send two folks to cone and talk with you--or take you to meet with others just like you.

What are you afraid of? Getting well?

least

If you're still drinking then you're just postponing withdrawal. You are always going to have w/d. You need some help getting thru the first few days so you can stay sober. I hope you can get help to get sober.

NoGoingBack

I'm going to tell you want you don't want to hear.

See a doctor. Be honest. No self respecting doc will take your anxiety medication away (assuming it's prescribed).

From what you say, you're in deep and the only way out is to get help.

I don't know where you are but I sympathise totally with your symptoms. I'm a long term alcoholic, before I went through my detox I had cut down to around 100 UK units a day (1 UK unit = 25ml shot of spirits). I had been on up to 200 units previously.

Shaking, sweating, nausea, dry gagging/throwing up, not eating, first thought on waking was always "when/how will I get my first drink".

Don't be afraid to reach out for help, ever. Sometimes what seems like the most frightening step is the one which is most liberating. I found so much relief when I finally took that step.

Talk to people here and reach out to family if you feel able, people can only help you if they know how bad it's gotten.

Try to cut down, not just go cold turkey until you can get some medical help. Easier said than done but I do know people who have had life threatening complications from going cold turkey.

I've just reread this before I post and I'm aware it may come across as harsh, it's not intended to cause any upset but I couldn't think of a nice way to put it to you, I've basically echoed what a good friend of mine said to me when my drinking got so completely out of control I was at serious risk of losing everything...

Hope you can get some support, stick around on here, you're in good company!

Best wishes
NGB

JeffreyAK

I'm going to suggest a doctor too. I've been through withdrawals that bad, it's hell but you either keep going and wait for them to end (they will) or you see a doctor for meds that will help a lot to reduce (but not eliminate) withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol makes for horrible anxiety, then covers it up the next time you drink, so I really doubt your meds are doing much given how much alcohol you are drinking. See a doc, you'll be glad you did.

zjw

You should consider seeing a doc and seeking help from family while you can still do so on your terms. The truth will come out it always does. Either the hard way or your way it up to you to decide really at this point your lucky you still have the choice.

Axiom

Please go see a doctor. I know you said not to say that but detox is serious business and I underestimated how bad mine would be. I really didn't want to see a doctor, went cold turkey and ended up in the ICU, I consider myself lucky that I did.

I sincerely doubt that they would take anti-anxiety medication away during alcohol detox. The anxiety is in large part being caused by the alcohol/withdrawal.

Your life may seem like a mess right now but you can change it. I promise you if you get and stay sober you never have to feel like this again.

Please be safe.

Imabuleva

When do you start your job?

See a doctor and get through the withdrawals before then. If you have to be drunk at work, you probably won't last long in person. No offense is intended by this, it's just a fact.

Doctors can give you medication that actually works for underlying conditions, without the side effects of alcohol.

Dee74

There's some great advice here kllme - I really hope you take it.

Without help from an outside source the best you can hope for is more of the same.

The worst is pretty obvious.

D

ScottFromWI

I can't add much either killme, you most likely need medical intervention, detox or both. It is also very likely that the extreme amounts that you are drinking counteract or even exacerbate the anxiety....so the meds probably don't do much anyway.

I'd also suggest calling your local aa hotline, seeing a doctor or the ER, or both. This is extremely serious business and you need serious help.

waynetheking

Kllme get help or die. Your a alcoholic. The booze is killing you. You have to quit now. You can do this. Start by getting help and detox in a medical facilitie. We all hate and dispise alcohol. Don't let it take you out. Were here for ya.

Imabuleva

I guess I should have emphasized the GET HELP part in my previous comment.

Doctor, ER, family. Don't try to detox from that amount of daily alcohol intake by yourself. One, it is extremely dangerous and DT's are considered a medical emergency. Two, doctors can give you medication to help you detox more comfortably.

Sasha4

Get help.
This could kill you.
You could end up in intensive care or worse, incubated and sedated.
The job won't matter if you are not here to live and get detoxed.

Go try have a wash.
Pack a few things.
Confide in someone.
Can you really not confide in your mum?
She loves you, you are her son. As a mum myself, I would hate that my daughter was so ill, so unhappy, that I might loose her, because she thought she could not tell me or ask for help.

You can get back to where you were in life.
You just have to jump a few hurdles first.
Please, please keep close to us here and let us know where you are and how you are doing.

Are you in the UK or elsewhere?
If you were in the Uk, I would ring an ambulance for you. You getting through this matters that much to me, really you do.

I wish you the best xx

MIRecovery

There are a lot of posts by people that care and have a lot of sobriety. Everyone is telling you the same thing. You need a doctor and help. The alternative is very likely death.

We all know what you are going through. You are not a bad person you have a bad disease.

Please take our advice

paintballguy

Hopefully you have already received this advice.

When i checked myself into detox i was in the same sorry shape as you. Almost right down to the ounce in your quantities. The morning gag and occasional blip of puke, shakes at work, anxiety, dizziness.

You need to go to a medical detox facility as quickly as you can. Your benzodiazapam based anti anxiety meds will assauge your withdrawal but will do nothing for your tolerance or your alcohol problem, could make it worse and if you get addicted to the benzos they are the worst to come off of it can take sometimes as long as 3 months.

Dont fear the detox, its not as scary as it sounds i actually had a lot of fun one the initial feeling like i was going to die was over. They give you meds to smooth it out, help you sleep, deal with anxiety they dont just lock you in a room and go nutbar cold turkey. They take your BP every hour and administer anti anxiety meds as neccesary to sooth the withdrawal.

They dont prescribe benzosl at least not here. They crash you hard and med you hour by hour to get it over with quicker. They gave me phenobarbitol. You still feel like **** but no tremors anxiety or anything and they monitor you for.dt.

At your stage honestly theres no way you can quit without medical assistance. I know the feeling because i was there, ready to lose my house and all. But youll feel that anxiety those tremors and knowing a mickey slammed will put you back to mostly normal is just too tempting. Plus if you try it on your own you could die, alcohol is hard to come off of.

Theyll give you your anti anxiety meds back when your done and may even prescribe you some while your in if you truly need them. Chances are though, when your out, you either wont need them or youll need a lot less, because both alcohol and benzo withdrawal cause severe anxiety.

Get checked in asap. Dont be scared. I know i was and i felt stupid for being so scared after a couple days inside.

Mountainmanbob

Call your family and beg for help.
Please, do exactly what they ask of you.
MM