Soberpotamus

I can understand what you all are saying. I guess the way my brain works is to find logic or meaning in things. I mean, I hope everyone's brain does on some level, lol. But you know what I mean. Yeah, I can get that you lose the ability to reason at the end. I know I did as well. Self-preservation, instinct, sudden epiphanies... they were all true for my own experience as well. I guess I still hold onto the idea that I had a choice even at the end.

suicideseason

I cant understand half of what their saying... Im sorry if im coming off rude here but i view this as attention seeking. If youre so great in entertainment industry, the **** aint you sober? Ppl in entertainment lose their jobs and come back cuz of this, sobriety.. So many examples right there...And, why is it other peoples problem for you to go be a patient some where, why isnt it yours? I half feel youve given up, and are just blaming others for this or that. When are you going to grow up? Ive met ppl as gone as you, and they dont spend their days on the internets.

Makes me wonder.

walkbeformakrun

You sound very intolerant. And a tad incoherent. Are you drinking right now?

Hawks

As Bill Hicks said

"is this real or is this just a ride? "

If it's real then logic applies.

If it's a ride, then all our knowledge is synthetic and logic is out the window because then, we only think we know what is going on.

I'm with Bill...... It's just a ride

Soberpotamus

All he meant is that it's short Life is short. Transient. You get on the rollercoaster, whiz around, up, down, everything goes super fast... and boom. You're done. It's over.

And he also probably meant that you can wax philosophical, take things hard and seriously, but when all's said and done... did you enjoy it? Did you like the ride?

Cow

Hawkeye, I sorry you also has the anhedonia. I know lot of people not understand how oddly, desolately, almost surreally painful it is. Glad you able to stay sober in spite of it. I hope I can too.

suicideS, but what you really think? Listen I sure I a real pill to some people. I understand. We just a little salon of drunks chatting, is nobody force to attend. Except for Robot, I think he try to escape and we orders him to stay!

Gilmer

You are so gracious, Cow!

Hawks

"today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”
― Bill Hicks

I reckon he was talking about a ride more like the above.

The ride you get when we open what Bill terms our "third eye"

Soberpotamus

So you think he had some sort of monistic philosophy or spirituality then? I can see that.

anattaboy

Cow, I have indifference, self loathing and everything associated with breaking my own word to myself with alcohol and may even have this new thing and it may be permanent. I say may because I've never pushed through quite long enough to find out (8 yrs. is my max). AVRT is not just saying words--it's a very deep commitment to myself to quit the self harm come hell (been there but know it gets hotter) or highwater (was at the top of my game when I drank after 8 yrs. sober). I'm actually excited for the next challenge coming my way (paying debts and physically caring for myself so I can see my 4yr old graduate). I am managing. I see it as a gift to myself and it feels damn good.

silentrun

Thanks everyone. I am ok. The thing about nicotine meltdowns is they last a short amount of time. Some of the meltdowns I had when sobering up lasted days and days.

Sat night my grandpa had some clots let lose and go to his legs. He is 91 and his body is shutting down so they got him stable and moved him back to his room at the nursing home with my grandma. He has some awareness but no cognition at all. She knew he was dying so her heart gave out today and she died a little after 2. Last night I got ahold of my NM (I'm still shunned) and told her the end was very near for her mom and dad (as opposed to the end of the world which has been any day now since the beginning of time). She never showed even after I told her I could get her Satanic siblings out of the room so she could have alone time with her parents. People who are not in the cult don't matter anyway so I am not surprised by her response.
Watching regular people react in family situations made me realize what was taken from me. It made me sad when they talked about Bdays I was never at or Christmas.

It's Ok though. I got to have it the past few days.

It's funny Hawks mentioned Bill Hicks. I was thinking about that today and even said something very similar to my grandpa. Everyone was telling him it was OK to let go after grandma died but he is one tough bastard.

courage2

I'm so sorry, you're mistaken, it's navel-gazing. All of us on this thread have tremendously attractive navels, and we love to look at them, and admire one another's. Yours is a nice one, too!

fini

picky and pedantic, but trying for clarity because it's important to me :
can't always find logic or meaning, but i sure look for it. my mind works that way, too. and i didn't lose the ability to reason.
reason wasn't what ultimately did the trick for me, though.

kind of a mind-warping thing, that
i had to reasonably conclude from this that there might be other things that reason alone might be more-or-less useless for.
cool.

Della1968

Sorry for your loss SR

courage2

My goodness. If Mr. Hicks with whom I'm unfamiliar knows anything about Hinduism, that "or" is a typographical error.

fini

ach silentrun, so sorry to hear of your hard times.

as far as the not-smoking, one thing that really helped me was fennel seeds: cheap (even the organic ones), no calories, taste good, good for digestion. something to do with hands and mouth. and when you're done, you can spit them out if you're so inclined. or swallow.

and no, it didn't make me turn into a fennel-seed-chewing addict.

take care.

Cow

Attaboy, anattaboy! I maybe has to find some reward system that not involve "feeling good" cuz probable not gonna get that ... ... but what else is there really? "Thinking good"? Not rewarding really. "Doing good"? Reward of that is mostly "feeling good" about it. Hmmm. Maybe you guys come up with something.

Documentary about Bill Hicks is great viewing, very smart, funny dude.

Bunny, my navel kind of blah, and plus also it has weird little skin tag in it! Gross! Yuck! Look away! Look away!

SR, I know you can takes it, but that a raw f*cking deal! I got a crap family, but yours like supercrap. Man we need lot of hugs in here lately. Lot of people hurting. I gonna call Rampart for IV with D5W and Ringers Lactate! At least that always help on "Emergency".

Ken33xx

I like what a member wrote in another thread awhile back about how we analyze the analysis, split hairs and then split them again. At the end of it all what do we have? What works for you. SR is great in that we get a variety of opinions on sobriety. There's no right or wrong way to get sober. It's up to the individual.

With regards to AA: there are four members I personally know that have had a hard time getting sober. One guy had ten years sobriety under his belt, then went out and has been in and out for the past twenty years.

All good guys who know the trip, thump the big book/steps, do the walk and not just the talk. Yet, for whatever reason they continue to drink and/or use drugs.

Why do I stay sober they can't? All I can say is I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and the desire to drink was lifted. How was that desire lifted? Close identification with another drunk who shared at my first AA meeting? God? Maybe both.

However, it had nothing to do with the BB as the obsession was gone before I'd ever heard of the book.

Today whenever the thought of drinking hits me (especially at an airport) I play the tape out in my head. And it always ends the same with me drunk and a massive hangover or worse.

Hawks

I'll Pm you, last time I posted this it got removed.

suicideseason

no i find this thread a disrespect to people who are trying to be sober thanks for being lovely.

half their posts make no sense. they refer themselves as a cow and talk about being ****** up cuz the wind blew southernly instead of to the east. making lies about getting treatment. They refer themselves in this thread "adventures of sober cow" whos sober and calls themselves a cow, or says cats and dogs enable them. this thread is offensive to my sobriety and i personally wish to see this removed. im about to be 10 days sober, thank you very much.

you sound naive. have a lovely night.