bigsombrero

I guess sometimes I am confused by the messages we get. For example, look at these two statements:

Statement #1:
"Recovery and sobriety comes first. I am vigilant, strong, and I grow and learn how to live by this code. My sobriety is extremely valuable and is a priority in my life."

Statement #2:
"Don't feel the need to socially disclose anything mentioned in Statement #1. My habits are not important to others. I should carry on with life as normal when it comes to meeting new people. Not drinking is no big deal."

Can you blame a guy for asking if the emperor wearing any clothes here? I'm not angry or upset - just pondering I guess. I think the bottom line is that all of these "recovery rules" are really just a bunch of thoughts and ideas, cobbled together. They really don't make sense, and a concrete way to live in recovery does not exist. Living in recovery is not so much a science - it's about finding a comfort zone. I guess that comes with a lot of trial and error.

CAPTAINZING2000

Might be I'm getting older but it's nobodies damn business why you don't drink or why I don't drink.

It bothered me a bit the first few years sober not now. Maybe, it was God testing me, I no longer have people trying to shove a drink in my hand.
I know, I have another drunk in me. What I don't know is if I have another recovery.
I know who and what I am today. What I think of myself I keep to myself.

jdooner

I think your asking a very important question and a meaningful topic. You are getting at the heart of identity and what sobriety means to you and how you self identify around what has been important in your life.

I drank for 24 years. I am 40 years old so for more than half of my life I identified with drinking in some form. I celebrated, I commiserated, I got married with it, I reproduced with it. Alcohol and later drugs were my number on tool in my coping tool box. Alcohol was a part of every important moment in my life and also responsible for many negative moments - what a paradox.

To dismiss the importance of how to relate after giving this up is just silly and naive. To those that say its no big deal are deluding themselves, particularly if they can't string a few months together themselves. I don't think you have to identify as a recovering or "ed" alcoholic but I also think its nothing to be ashamed of...my wife gets upset with me bc I do tell people if they ask that I am recovering. She feels it puts people back and upsets a sense of ease - I agree and have seen this. Lately I am trying to become someone who does not drink like Soberhawk said and as Robby said provide backstory if the right situation and there is interest. This seems to be working for me in social situations. I am proud of being sober though.

ScottFromWI

It's easy to overthink. I think you are in this case. You don't drink anymore because it's in the best interest to your well being. Life is better because of that as well. Move forward.

NoJimmy

Interesting, I see it the other way around. I see myself as strong enough not to keep doing what was damaging myself and causing me to act like a total boob. I get the social element, we can't participate in something most folks enjoy socially. It's an odd convention if you think about it, so many people have issues in controlling where to stop. We have been conditioned to accept this socially, the reality is it makes no more sense than sniffing glue or huffing paint. It sounds ridiculous you would be ashamed for lacking the ability to "huff" responsibly. Maybe that's a silly view.

jdooner

I could not disagree more. The logic here is sort of akin to telling someone to go live in a cave in Afghanistan bc modern society has seen cancer spike - go back to the dark ages. I actually think people who use their brain will be the answer vs constant simplification, which I liken to going backwards. I do see how being blissfully ignorant is easier though - sort of how I went through life when I was drinking.

bigsombrero

jdooner - thanks for your comment. I feel you understand what's going on in my head here. I think in particular it relates to the advice coming from the sober community. As you mentioned, a lot of the people disguise themselves as "wise counselors" in the sober community (and here on SR) can't even string a couple months together themselves. A few of them are even active drinkers. I'm trying to weed though all this stuff and separate the wheat from the chaff and really figure out what's going to work for ME. I find it helpful to hear from others who have been pondering similar situations in recovery.

ScottfromWI - also a good point, I completely agree that I'm overthinking it. But sometimes overthinking a particular subject can help one find clarity. If I need to pore over an issue for 24 hours with a fine toothed comb to confirm it's not a problem, then I would argue that was time well spent.

DG0409

I'd much rather have 'RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC' scrawled on my forehead than 'ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC'. I think it's healthy to think of 'recovering alcoholic' as ONE of your defining characteristics. Recovery is important.

Maybe it would help to make a list of other things that you would like to be on that list of defining characteristics as well and work toward them? Or perhaps you'd discover you already are many of the things on the list.

If I were to list characteristics that you make me think of I'd put: sense of humor, adventurous, and great writer just to name a few.

Sudz No More

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my counselor a few months ago. He was always pressing me about groups or other things that kept me involved with my alcohol habit. I told him straight up on more than one occasion that I didn't want alcohol to define me anymore. I believed that if I kept doing things that talked about drinking I would be giving my habit strength. I was right for my own mental psyche that thinking about it less in my daily life helped me. Coming to this website is the only daily reminder I get but it keeps me grounded. More than this would be detrimental for me.

In the same way, I don't choose to think of myself as an alcoholic anymore but just someone who chose to give up a bad habit. It's not much different than someone who chooses to stop smoking or eat less sugar or cake. You see them somewhere and they say " I don't smoke or I don't eat that stuff and you are ok with it. Well, I say I don't drink and they are ok with that.

JackieC

I love that you posted this thread because even though I'm only on Day 37, I already find myself thinking along these same lines. It's not, as you mentioned, an issue of "What will people think of me?" but more an issue of where does this sobriety fit into the bigger issue of who I am and what I will become. And I agree that there are some inherent contradictions in a lot of the thinking, though I don't know that I'd consider that any sort of flaw. If anything, it causes us to think these things through, and I think that's a very good thing (I'm an "over-thinker", needless to say, much like I'm "too sensitive" as well -- things I used to think were weaknesses, particularly when people told me that to my face, and now I see they aren't at all).

So this is a constant battle for me. Just this morning, I'm sitting here drinking coffee, trying to write an email to some friends. They've known me for years, we are very close. These are people I've drunk with for decades. I love these women, I think they are far more than just "drinking buddies" and that our friendships will survive this -- but I keep feeling a pull to DEFINE it. For them, for me, I don't know. I vacillate between sending an email that says "I'm an alcoholic and my dream is that I will never drink again" or an email that says "So, no biggie here, but I no longer drink. K, thanks, bye." Obviously the latter is tongue in cheek, a bit, but you get the point.

I think the reason I'm struggling so mightily with how to communicate it to my best friends out there is because I don't know how to communicate it to myself. And I'm back to the question of where does sobriety fit into my life. Is is a cog in the wheel or is the pedals themselves or the steering wheel or what?

This makes me think of one of my favorite quotes ever (yes, I'm a cliche english major who, 25 years later, is still quoting Rilke, but it fits):

…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet



The only thing I know for sure concerning my sobriety is that I need it. I cannot drink. This I know. Beyond that, I am picking my way along. It's a grand leap of faith but it feels like the right one for me.

Thanks again for posting about this. I love love love hearing everyone's perspective on these type issues.

Jackie

RobbyRobot

You know, most people who drink just get on with living. For us, we get on with living without drinking because we've learned the hard way drinking isn't for us on so many levels, goes without saying. So when we present as guys who have this great life because we don't drink, then naturally to most people they don't see how our claim equates to all that much celebration since most people can drink and still have great lives themselves, so we can come off as a bit odd as a minority.

Nonetheless, everybody knows somebody who has suffered from alcoholism or drinking n drugging problems, so when they meet up with a guy who has quit, of course they already know something must have happened to cause the quit in the first place. People are not generally dumb as individuals when it comes to reasons for quitting drinking. I respect this common sense awareness and so I don't assume I'm talking with idiots who have never heard of alcoholics or drug addicts, lol.

Lifestyle choices are always more art than science in how we go about having secured skill sets which reflect our personal philosophies in life. It really is ours to do as we see fit, and when our past alcoholism can be kept in the past, and our present recovery(ed) lives can be kept in our today, then the future is so bright we gotta wear shades, lol.

Seriously. Now that I'm recovered, my life is so much more then my simply being a recovered alcoholic drug addict. And I'm not unique in this, we're all so much more than just guys into recovery. Some guys see the glass half-full, and some see it half-empty - no matter really, but one view is more related as a struggle to get on with life, while the other is more about already being successful with those same struggles.

Comfort zone. Yeah, that works too.

ScottFromWI

You took my post completely them wrong way. I was not suggesting ignorance or cave dwelling by any stretch of the imagination. I'm suggesting that it's easy to overthink and mire yourself in an internal endless struggle with thoughts that have no positive outcome. Sorry if you took it differently but I stand by what wrote.

jdooner

Sorry if I misunderstood - thanks for clarifying - all good Scott

kcvalentine

Hey Big! I totally get it. I'm a little over two years into it and I still feel like I'm pretty early in the process. There is a lot of self discovery still happening, and I suspect there always will be (I hope so anyway!). I was an active alcoholic for 8 years but I was always worried about my image so I mostly drank at home with my husband. I didn't want to embarrass myself and my husband was so wild when he was drinking, I knew he'd humiliate both of us. So I always tried to keep that part of my life hidden...and that just made the walls of isolation that much thicker. And the thing was it really didn't even matter that I kept the getting wasted part private because I was acting so weird and selfishly (a byproduct of the drinking) when I was was sober in public that a lot people didn't really want to be around me anyway.

Now that I've rebuilt a lot of damaged relationships, being the sober one is kind of nice. I'm so present in all of my interactions that socializing is like a whole new experience! And I've been that safe place for friends who are reconciling their own addiction issues; a beacon of hope if you will.

And I'm also in a place where I'm establishing a lot of new relationships. When I was early into my recovery I started practicing yoga, meditation and mindfulness and found it saved my soul. Now I'm actually a yoga teacher and so I'm in the public eye a lot. I don't want to be known as the recovering teacher, so I only tell certain people. My bosses know and some of my colleagues too. But I don't have it in my bio or anything. But when the time is right and I meet a student in need, I'm more than happy to share my story.

It's a fine line - learning who to tell and who not to tell. And I think the best advice I can give you is to use your intuition. If you really feel like telling someone will improve the relationship, then by all means do it. If not, maybe let it go or wait until the time is right.

I'm so proud of your 19 months. That's so awesome! xoxoxo

RobbyRobot

Well, sure that is true, quitting is of course in our best interest, but your statement implies way too much of a simplification of what was left behind. If it was really that simple, than SR is nothing more than a mixed social club with guys telling complicated stories for no good reason. Yes, things can be overthought about, but when dealing with life and death, not so much.

ScottFromWI

Sorry OP and others, I will bow out of this. Dee/Anna, please remove my posts.

Boleo

If I say I am a "recovering alcoholic" and feel shame as a result of it - I am experiencing humiliation.

If I say I am a "recovering alcoholic" and feel proud as a result of it - I am experiencing humility.

Same outside experience. Different inside experience.

doggonecarl

More sick of it than being defined as "alcoholic"?

I spent my entire adult life drugging and drinking. Did that define me. Probably. Sober three and a half years. Does my sobriety define me? No, the person I am while sober defines me. But I'm blessed to wear the label "In Recovery" rather than the one I had attached to me for so long.

BradJustBrad

What an interesting thread! Applied to me, I think these two statements conflate my current "not-drinking" with my former drinking problem. My not-drinking is a very big deal, an important facet of my life (along with exercise and healthy eating) and something I am more than happy to share with others. On the other hand, my former drinking problem, while it may have led to my decision to stop drinking, is not something I feel a need to share, nor is it something that defines me today.

I’m only a few years older than you, bigsombrero, and we’re still young. If we keep up our health, with a little luck we’ll have 50, 60, or even 70 productive years ahead of us. That’s an awful lot of time, and there's an awful lot I want to do, and I know I can't do it if I drink. But I am not going to spend the next half century defining myself by some mistakes I made for the past ten years.

I don’t mean to downplay at all the insidious nature of addiction, or the imperative to be vigilant to prevent a relapse. But if I take my not-drinking seriously, and take to heart the lifestyle change of being a non-drinker, all will fall into place.

(As an aside, that’s one thing I really liked about Allan Carr’s book. He frames the decision not to drink in rational, positive terms that I find very liberating (if a bit repetitive).)

Full disclosure: I am closing in on four weeks since my first and only quit date. I may not have years of sobriety behind me, but I don't have any failed attempts either. Take it as you will.

freshstart57

You said this quite a few posts up the page, and I'm surprised that this got missed by the helpful horde. I feel that this is at the crux of the issue. It is not what you did in the past or what you are leaving behind you. It is how you see your daily living, it is about how you see your present state. From this, it seems as though you see your life now as one of austerity and self deprivation. It needn't be like this at all. Your present state can be one of release and freedom, it can be a state of triumph and achievement. It can be a continuous source of deep internal pride and self-respect.

Scott, I am with you for what that's worth. This is the most important, the only essential aspect of sobriety for heaven's sake. Leave the booze behind and then get on with life. This is why I often conclude my posts with the rejoinder 'onward'.

BigSombrero, make this 'recovering' into a 'recovered'. Leave the word alcoholic behind you as it doesn't have any meaning for someone who does not now or will not ever drink. You are now one of the worldwide majority who simply does not ever use alcohol. All the other facets of you, your attitude, your personality, are all up to you. You are free to be you. Onward!